099 | (Ninety-eight) Hates waiting
That winter passed by extremely quickly; the days flew by, and the clothes became thicker and thicker each day, and the night grew ever darker.
Midterm exams are over, and on the eve of Christmas, the winter solstice arrives even earlier.
For the first time ever, Xie Qingyan experienced a sense of accomplishment in her studies. She realized that even tedious tasks could become enjoyable when they could provide positive feedback.
On the contrary.
The constellation of Mao (卯) remains in a low mood.
He could only possess her physically, but his soul was empty and thirsty.
No one could tell him why people are closer in spirit but farther apart in heart.
He devoured books and watched movies, trying to find answers in other people's stories, but all his knowledge, experience, and observations, all his learning, were futile and pale in the face of this feeling of liking.
Su Xingmao sadly realized this.
He wasn't smart; he was clumsy.
The more tightly his heart was bound together, the more dull his tongue became. Countless times, he aimlessly searched for topics, filling the chat box with dry, lifeless words.
Expressing love is difficult; the more you care, the less you understand how to communicate.
Many times, he wanted to message her, and it didn't matter what she said, just talk to him, tell him what she was doing, why she was frowning while reading, or if she was unhappy today.
He was suffering from an unnamed torment, which made him restless. Su Xingmao knew that he was becoming insatiable, and simply looking at him was not enough. He was like a person suffering from hunger, who could not find relief without touching him with his lips.
One day in early December, the homeroom teacher brought a notice about preparing programs for the New Year's Eve party.
That week, the two most popular representatives from Class 8, Xie Qingyan and Zhou Jianyang, were chosen to perform "Romeo and Juliet." The evening rehearsals were held every evening. They performed in a spacious classroom, surrounded by people taking pictures. Su Xingmao watched the beautiful girl through a window, smiling and chatting. She was so popular, and for a moment, he felt it was only natural that she deserved to be loved by everyone.
My heart collapsed and fell, like jumping from my chest into a bottomless abyss.
My legs are numb from standing.
It was still a sunny day after I left the classroom.
On a sunny evening, the scene is like a palette of colors in an oil painting, vibrant and dazzling.
But he didn't like this bright winter day; only his heart was shrouded in gloom.
He didn't like looking at her through the crowd, didn't like that distance separating them, didn't like her smile not belonging to him, and didn't like her smiling gaze falling on others.
Perhaps what he should least like is himself, wandering aimlessly and lost outside the window.
His reflection was visible in the glass: a pale-lipped, lifeless man lost in confusion and despair.
The night becomes a breeding ground for emptiness.
He could always see her holding someone else's hand when he closed his eyes, and his heart ached like it was being gnawed by ants.
But one needs the right to be sad; he had no clear identity to rely on to criticize even the slightest thing.
"You're not upset, are you?"
Xie Qingyan sent a message when she accepted the performance assignment.
"…Won't."
He answered calmly.
Beneath the calm exterior flows not blood, but a certain emotion called jealousy.
He knew that love was a possessive desire, but it could only be expressed as selfless.
Perhaps he could choose not to look, but it was as if his eyes were bound by an invisible tether, his gaze always leading him in her direction.
He couldn't help but care.
Xie Qingyan said smugly, "I'm too good, even if the teacher calls on me, there's nothing I can do."
Xie Qingyan has made significant progress this month, especially in the midterm exams where she achieved her best results ever. Her teachers praised her highly as a positive example, and it's no surprise that she was the first person they thought of for the gala.
He was convincing himself. It's just a performance; it's normal.
"Hey, it's a promise, you can't blame me."
I won't blame you.
The phone screen is off.
"What is our relationship?"
A sentence was repeatedly considered in the dialog box, but it failed to be sent.
During this period, he deeply unearthed the negative aspects of his own humanity: selfishness, jealousy, greed, an insatiable hunger, and a gluttonous desire to devour her.
Why does liking something become a sin? The sin of lust.
"Yan Yan".
"Xie Qingyan".
The book says that when people are vulnerable, they can gain strength by calling out the name of someone they care about.
But will the call be answered?
Su Xingmao flipped through French books.
A deeper sense of panic enveloped him than at this moment.
Xie Qingyan planned to start preparing her portfolio for the Paris Academy of Fine Arts application during the winter break, but she hadn't even told him about it.
This was Xie Jinyu telling him that he had worked hard during this time, and that she had hired a professional art teacher for Xie Qingyan to take over his winter vacation duties—informing Su Xingmao about future holidays—so that he would no longer be troubled to tutor Xie Qingyan.
All?
It seems that even the only legitimate way to get close to her has been cut off.
Su Xingmao realized that he was never part of her future plans.
For Xie Qingyan, this seemed to be nothing more than a game of physical pleasure, but upon closer examination, it seemed to signify the end of the matter.
He couldn't bring himself to question; asking questions would require an extra dose of courage.
Even if he obtains a legitimate identity, they will still be separated by thousands of miles.
He hates the distance that hasn't arrived yet.
He hated endless waiting.
I hate hearing the echoes of love only in my dreams.
Su Xingmao returned to his room, found the simple drawing held together by tape, and wrote down the words on it.
Is waiting my punishment?
Mais j'ai attendu, attendu, attendu pour toi, me si j'attendais mon destin.
(But I wait, I wait, I wait for you, just as I wait for my destiny.)
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com
