108 | (One Hundred and Seven) Beyond Love
Xie Qingyan playfully mimicked him, replying with only one word: "Guess?"
Su Xingmao said, "If we're going to be outdoors, I hope it's summer, otherwise the kittens will get cold."
"You certainly think long-term," Xie Qingyan scoffed. "You're thinking so far ahead. Have you considered where you'll study in the future?"
"I—" He only managed to utter one word before covering Su Xingmao's mouth with two fingers: "You're not allowed to include where I am in your core options."
"Otherwise, I will definitely break up with you!" She had already ignored the fact that "when did they say they were together?"
Xie Qingyan knew that France was a paradise for art students. Su Xingmao excelled in all subjects and won a gold medal in the Olympiad, which would directly secure him a place in Tsinghua or Peking University. Xie Qingyan knew that since he had not yet signed an agreement, he must also have plans to study abroad. He was excellent in both mathematics and physics. If he chose mathematics, France would be a top choice. However, if he chose physics, France would become a secondary option.
In the past two years, Su Xingmao has clearly leaned more towards physics in his competitions.
This means that if Su Xingmao were to study physics, Massachusetts would be the best choice, and they would definitely be in different places.
Xie Qingyan understood this, but she refused to become someone who "influenced his life choices."
Giving up one's ideals for something one likes, or moving to a city for someone else, is certainly touching, but one should be responsible for one's own choices.
Love is always secondary, this is the principle that Xie Jinyu taught her. So even though she felt some regret, she never thought of going back to Zhang Fulan to seek reconciliation. As a result, her career is thriving and her future is bright.
"I won't."
He said that first, his eyes dimmed a little, and after a long silence, he said, "I will think it over and won't make things difficult for you."
"But I want to know, do you not want me to be in the same place as you, or..."
He needs a suitable answer, one that can convince him.
Xie Qingyan replied earnestly, "I would prefer you to take more responsibility for yourself."
Strangely enough, she was more mature than him in this respect.
Over the past few months, Xie Qingyan had been observing Su Xingmao closely. She was not surprised to find that Su Xingmao was too thin and more monotonous than she had imagined. Even his food preferences were not particularly strong. He neither liked salty nor sweet food, as if he didn't care what he ate every day.
He lived his life too casually.
There was a subtle, indifferent attitude towards her own life and death, so faint that it was almost invisible. If she hadn't grown closer to him and been in such close contact, even she, who had known him for ten years, might not have noticed it.
Like a lone whale that has been alone for too long.
They have lost the instinct to return to their pods, and have even become accustomed to not looking forward to the coming year or the future. They just swim and swim, settling wherever they end up, and it doesn't matter if a whale falls.
"Haven't you noticed, Su Xingmao, that you're strange? All these years, besides me, you don't have a single friend. You have no hobbies, you don't like going out, you don't like traveling, and when I ask you what you want to eat, you always say you can do whatever you want. You also don't have any favorite comics, movies, or books. Oh, right, fitness... but that seems to be because..."
The faint moonlight fell on his face, and the boy's lips moved, but he said nothing.
Xie Qingyan choked up: "Many times I feel like you are a fake person. You have such good grades, but it seems like you don't have any ideals or goals for yourself? You don't have any particular school you want to go to. For example, I want to paint, and I want to paint for the rest of my life. I also want to study at the best art academy in the world. Even if I don't get in, I will try. What if I succeed?"
"And what about you, Su Xingmao? What do you want to do in the future? Don't you have any ideas? You have so much time, but you're never willing to try. It's like you're living in a glass house, completely hiding yourself away. You can see the whole world, but you feel so far away from it. You shouldn't live like this. There are countless possibilities in life besides love."
It's as if he's a paper effigy, an empty shell who only knows how to love her.
He lived his life as a shadow.
Apart from the occasional beating of her heart, she was just an empty shell.
Xie Qingyan didn't like this.
He must become himself first before he can love others.
"Besides your lover, I also hope you shine."
Even she herself was surprised that she would say that.
Su Xingmao silently lowered his head, his black hair hanging down over his forehead, obscuring his eyes. After a moment, he whispered that he knew. He added that he would also read books when he was alone, physics books. He liked those laws and principles, those beautiful representations of the rationality of the universe, but he didn't like complicated formulas, so he rarely spoke of them.
Xie Qingyan stared at him. The light was too dim, and his hair was messy. In the dim light, there seemed to be shimmering water in the corners of his eyes, and they were also a little red. He looked so pitiful.
When he saw her looking at him, he glanced at her, then quickly looked down again.
"Why are you looking at me like that? Hey, Su Xingmao, don't tell me you're going to cry three times in one night in front of me." Xie Qingyan realized that Su Xingmao was a hidden crybaby. He was really good at pretending before.
“I didn’t cry,” he said.
Some emotions are simply unexpressed, and they just flow from the eyes.
Xie Qingyan sighed, "Does it mean that you don't cry if you don't shed tears?"
"Do you read Shakespeare?" Xie Qingyan asked. In order to play Romeo and Juliet well, she had recently read many of Shakespeare's works. There was a sentence she liked very much, which she wanted to give to him to comfort him: "May you always be yourself."
May you always shine with your true self.
The dull eyes seemed to light up again.
"Are you feeling better now?" Xie Qingyan opened her arms and hugged him. "Um! I didn't mean to blame you... I just wanted you to be more energetic. You're so lifeless every day, it gets really annoying for me!"
Nobody wants to see a gloomy, lifeless face every day; it's so annoying!
"Besides, you know me. I only have a tiny bit of patience. Don't be too annoying, okay?" Don't exceed her tolerance limit, or she'll definitely dump him.
He knew she was bad.
"Can you stop bothering me? I know everything. I'll think about myself." Su Xingmao responded sullenly, resting his head on her neck. The boy, who was taller and broader than her, curled up in her arms and gripped her hand tightly. The veins on the back of his hand were bulging. He held it tightly for a long time, unwilling to let go.
I want to be hugged by her forever.
I'm so happy I could die.
Xie Qingyan's words were not without reason.
But the thought of the future, when they are destined to be separated by the other side of the ocean, breaks my heart. It's so sad.
Previously, Su Xingmao always longed for Xie Qingyan to depend on him and need her.
But he gradually realized that he was the one who wanted to rely on Xie Qingyan more, and that he needed her more.
He had been ensnared in her trap for a long time.
Xie Qingyan would temporarily soften his heart because of his sadness.
Does she like him crying? His tears excite her.
Su Xingmao tried his best to analyze the situation calmly.
He rarely exposes his vulnerability, so can he push his luck a little?
Use this vulnerability to capture her.
He turned his face away, his unfathomable eyes looking at her quietly.
"Xie Qingyan, you can..."
Her eyelashes trembled slightly.
The voice sounded like it was being pulled out of the throat, strained and hoarse.
"Can you love me a little more?"
Please.
Please love me a little more.
Please give me enough courage.
Otherwise, how could I bear to live alone in a foreign land without you? My soul would die.
That night, a gentle, continuous shower of sunlight fell on the back of her neck.
After that, the constellation Mao avoided the topic and did not give a definite answer.
In the following days of rehearsals, Xie Qingyan was able to see Su Xingmao again. Several times, Romeo told her his lines, but she was distracted, her eyes darting to the window, forgetting to respond. Zhou Jianyang held her hand and carefully reminded her with his mouth, "Don't forget your lines."
Many things that were previously unnoticed are slowly beginning to emerge. For example, the constellation Mao always appears on the edge of her field of vision, in a corner that is easily overlooked—if one does not look at it out of the corner of their eye.
Xie Qingyan belatedly realized that liking someone is actually the process of seeing them.
Details that were previously unnoticed gradually unfold.
She never needed to pack her schoolbag; Su Xingmao would pack it for her after tutoring her homework the day before.
He would time his morning run precisely so that he could catch her on her way to school, and so she could always catch a glimpse of his shadow under the window when she woke up.
After PE class at school, there would be an extra bottle of water on her desk... She used to think that Zhou Hanyu bought it on a whim, but later she found out that it was him too.
Every time she looked up, she would find those clear, calm eyes gazing in that direction.
No matter how many books or people are in between.
These things have been going on for a very long time, and the only difference from before is...
It's no longer a one-sided gaze.
She spotted him and looked at him.
Su Xingmao maintained a distance that was neither too close nor too far from her, neither disturbing her nor being too conspicuous, thus maintaining just the right amount of presence.
Only a very small number of people who could discern the unusual nature of the relationship between the two would notice this detail. For example, Zhou Jianyang glanced at it casually and asked maliciously, "Did you bite Su Xingmao's neck? It's hard to imagine."
As the rehearsal ended, the crowd gradually dispersed.
Xie Qingyan chewed the lollipop in her mouth with a loud crunching sound: "What's wrong? Are you envious? Do you want to be bitten too?"
She deliberately bared her teeth at him.
So cute...but...
Does that count as an admission?
Zhou Jianyang felt a slight itch in his Adam's apple. He clicked his tongue and made a soft "tsk" sound. Although he had expected it, he was still a little surprised and quite annoyed.
“You two aren’t a good match,” he said tactfully.
"It's not up to you," Xie Qingyan retorted sharply. "You're acting a bit strange, Zhou Jianyang. A few months ago, I asked you if you had anyone you liked, and you said forget it. What do you mean now?"
Zhou Jianyang was speechless for a moment.
Xie Qingyan was right. Months ago, he had keenly sensed the undercurrents between the two of them. Xie Qingyan intended to drag him into the game and use him as a shield. As proud as he was, he could not tolerate being in such a position. His refusal was obvious and perfectly reasonable.
However, the New Year's Eve party brought the two of them together again. He spent more time with Xie Qingyan every day, seeing her every smile and frown up close. It seemed that even the time he spent looking at her had increased. At first, he was still able to confidently respond to Su Xingmao's watchful gaze as a classmate.
In the past few days, Su Xingmao still gazes at Xie Qingyan through the window, but his tense and sharp eyes seem to have softened a lot.
The constellation Mao no longer harbors hostility towards him.
It is ignoring it.
As if having gained some kind of support, Su Xingmao completely disregarded him.
Zhou Jianyang wondered if his words to Xie Qingyan that day had had an effect, as their relationship seemed to have taken a step closer.
Until one day, he accidentally saw a faint red mark under Su Xingmao's Adam's apple. The edges were blurred and covered by the collar of his school uniform. Only when he turned his head for a moment did he see a very shallow half of a tooth mark. The red mark was fading but still ambiguous. He stared at it for a long time before he could see it clearly.
Zhou Jianyang almost instantly thought of Xie Qingyan's teeth.
During rehearsals, he and Xie Qingyan were very close, and physical contact was inevitable. He could always smell the fragrance in the girl's hair, a warm citrus scent mixed with a cool pine scent. Occasionally, he would also smell the same scent next to Su Xingmao.
She would smile at him according to the predetermined lines, her lips parted to reveal her pearly white upper teeth, including a tiny canine tooth that only showed a little bit when she couldn't help but laugh out loud.
Now, these sharp teeth, like marks or stamps, are imprinted on the neck of the constellation Mao.
So, was it Xie Qingyan who bit him?
Has their relationship progressed that quickly? Holding hands and hugging weren't enough; they've already kissed? Or is it something far more than just kissing?
Do they... have sex?
The teeth marks didn't fade for days. When they were first made, they must have been extremely vivid, requiring very intense sucking and even biting to leave a mark...
The moment this thought crossed Zhou Jianyang's mind, he was furious. This fury was not directed at Xie Qingyan or Su Xingmao, but at his own dulled awareness.
A week ago, he said he didn't want to take the blame in their relationship. But just a week later, he's wondering what role he actually played in their relationship.
Did he push things forward? He seemed suddenly very unwilling to just become an NPC in someone else's love story.
With too many thoughts flooding his mind, Zhou Jianyang began to feel bored with the daily rehearsals.
Seeing Xie Qingyan filled him with immense conflict. He thought to himself that this was just a rehearsal and that she had already started talking to Su Xingmao, but he couldn't deceive himself and wanted to spend more time with Xie Qingyan.
He reminded her to say that line—"You're standing right in front of me like this, and all I want to do is stand with the person I love. I'll never remember anything else."
She even felt a pang of regret, thinking back to when he hadn't rejected her.
Instead of being so arrogant, she could be more open and accept being used, and perhaps peel away that budding, unformed affection and transplant it onto him, openly occupying his attention.
After all, she did say that.
Su Xingmao is boring and dull, right? He doesn't even know how to play games—but they share the same interests. He and Xie Qingyan can roam freely in the game, cooperating perfectly. Isn't this kind of perfect understanding precious?
Even their dance steps, yes, the duet during rehearsals, were practiced with ease and fluency.
The fact that my classmates said we were a good match is true.
"I'm just curious."
Zhou Jianyang shrugged, making a "the more the merrier" expression, "Everyone's saying we're dating, isn't he angry?"
Xie Qingyan didn't take him seriously: "You actually take the confession wall seriously?"
In the quiet of sunset, whistles echoed across the playground. Only two people remained in the rehearsal room. Zhou Jianyang was tidying up the script, while Xie Qingyan was putting away the props and preparing to leave, just before stepping out of the classroom.
Suddenly, someone behind Xie Qingyan called out to him.
Ask her what would have happened if she had come to him back then and he had agreed to be with her?
Will there be any more stories about Su Xing Mao? Did that tooth mark originally belong to him?
If Xie Qingyan were to bite him, would he bite so hard that the mark would linger on his body for days?
My throat feels like it's on fire, hot and itchy.
"Ah, this is a difficult question to answer." Xie Qingyan tilted her head and thought about it seriously. She stretched and yawned, the light shining on her face, and she smiled nonchalantly.
The girl's smile was languid, carefree, and casual, with a touch of mischievous playfulness. She winked at him with her right eye: "But thankfully, there are no 'what ifs' in this world, so I don't need to think about it. Goodbye~"
A breeze brushed past my ear.
Xie Qingyan turned and left, her steps light and quick, like a little deer leaping into the light. Her schoolbag fluttered behind her, and her ponytail swayed wildly. Her long, black hair danced in the air, the golden light shimmering at the edges so bright it was dazzling and stung the eyes.
The girl in her school uniform moved with lightning speed, and in the blink of an eye, she had passed a corner.
A pair of steady, strong hands emerged from the shadows and skillfully took her bag.
His gaze swept back briefly before quickly returning to his own. His tall figure loomed over the girl, their silhouettes overlapping. The boy reached out and stroked her head, gently rubbing her hair. Then, he lowered his head and whispered softly, "Why are you so slow today?"
What did Xie Qingyan answer?
The sound could no longer be heard; it drifted away on the wind.
Zhou Jianyang stood still, the twilight light of dusk streaming through the glass. The winter solstice was approaching, the days were getting shorter, and every minute was changing, the shadows growing shorter and shorter.
Time stretched on to the point of almost freezing.
On this warm winter evening, he watched the figures, one in front of the other, disappear at the end of the corridor.
The script in my hand was rustled by the wind and stopped on a certain page.
The beams of the setting sun illuminated the writing.
Benvolio: Have you fallen into the trap of love?
Romeo: I am still lingering outside the door—
Benvolio: Outside the Door of Love?
Romeo: I cannot win the heart of the one I desire.
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