102 | (One Hundred and One) Did you think about me and masturbate last night?
Su Xingmao loved looking into her eyes. It is said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. When he looked into her clear eyes, he would be momentarily lost in thought, as if he could touch her soul in an instant.
Therefore, he was so disoriented that he lost his voice again.
So he said, "Could you move a little closer to me?"
Get close to him, but don't look at him for a moment.
"Why?"
Su Xingmao paused for a moment before slowly saying, "Look at me, there are some things I don't know how to say."
Their eyes met.
His reserved eyes drooped, and he thought, "You don't know, when you look at me, my language system automatically dries up and becomes barren. I get lost in your eyes, like a single-threaded machine, forgetting the function of my mouth, as if it can only breathe stupidly."
Are you shy?
He nodded, then shook his head: "He must be nervous."
"You get nervous too?" Her mood subtly improved. How could she not be nervous when he was making lewd remarks in bed?
Xie Qingyan asked, "Will you be nervous when you go abroad to compete?"
Su Xingmao said, "No."
"You only see me as nervous?"
"Um."
"real?"
"I have never lied to you."
"Oh..." With the reason valid, Xie Qingyan was successfully appeased. She obediently sat on his lap, pressing her ear against his chest. The sound of his heartbeat and his voice mingled together, barely drowning out her chaotic heartbeat.
Su Xingmao talked to her for a long time, as if he wanted to empty all the silence of the past.
He said that the feeling of liking someone is wonderful. He really enjoys talking to her on the phone, even if he doesn't say anything. Just listening to her light breathing makes his heart feel at peace.
He said that he went to the teacher to ask to switch seats because he wanted to be closer to her—although he used studying as an excuse, which was a perfectly respectable reason.
He said he didn't actually like Zhou Jianyang. She always said he was boring, so could Zhou Jianyang be someone she found interesting? He was afraid.
He said his nickname was originally her name. When he first registered for WeChat, he had to enter a nickname, and he subconsciously typed the first letter of Xie, X. Later, he added another X. It meant thank you.
When you like someone a lot, the deepest thought in your heart is gratitude.
Thank you for appearing in my life. Thank you for coming to me, for getting close to me, thank you for seeing me, and for holding me tight.
He said he was learning French and that if she wanted to go to France in the future, he would go to see her.
Xie Qingyan suddenly straightened her back and sat up straight: "I haven't had a chance to tell you yet, I was planning to apply to the University of Pennsylvania..."
She poked his chest repeatedly and said dryly, "You know, my dad's over there, so I'm definitely going to study abroad."
"I know."
"Aren't you angry?"
Su Xingmao said, "I'm just disappointed that you didn't tell me about your decision right away."
He said, "You can do whatever you want; I will never stop you from roaming freely. But remember, tell me."
Xie Qingyan was momentarily lost in thought and muttered a curse at him for being an idiot. Why hadn't he said these things before? She didn't have mind-reading abilities, so how could she know the complexities in his mind?
Su Xingmao heard this and softly hummed in agreement, saying that he dared not speak, fearing that she would drift further away from him.
He lowered his head gently, looking at her closely, a fleeting hint of sorrow flashing in his eyes, which disappeared in the blink of an eye.
You always avoid me.
"That's because you used to be so annoying, never telling me anything." Xie Qingyan retorted, "Didn't you avoid me and not reply to my messages... So you've become bad because of me?"
Su Xingmao said, "I don't want to avoid you. I need time to calm down and think about how to handle this."
"Deal with what? My relationship with you?"
"To deal with my excessive attention and unbalanced emotions."
Is this something a human being should say?
Xie Qingyan felt that his spoken language and expressions were too formal, perhaps because he hadn't interacted with people much? He lacked human warmth, and when he spoke, there was a faint sense of artificiality, like a living AI.
"So, if I don't force you to open your mouth, are you just going to keep putting up with it? Keep sulking and giving me the silent treatment!" Xie Qingyan asserted, accusing her of something baseless.
He suffered an undeserved misfortune, but he wasn't angry: "I didn't think that way. I want more time to process it."
"So? What have you figured out? What were you originally planning to do?"
"...I hadn't fully sorted things out last night. I don't know what the consequences would be if I told you frankly, whether it would push you away, make you dislike me more, and keep you away from me. I also can't assess the probability that you will listen to me properly."
Rather than doing that, it's better to pretend to be magnanimous.
After a long, rambling explanation, Xie Qingyan was completely bewildered and eventually gave up, declaring, "Speak human language. I'm illiterate, I can't understand you."
"...I haven't thought it through, I don't know."
Xie Qingyan was baffled. She almost laughed in anger. So this "academic genius" spent the whole night thinking in a daze, but couldn't come up with anything. He just kept wasting his time.
Are you stupid?!
Xie Qingyan now had every reason to object to anyone praising his intelligence.
He replied: Yes.
"You weren't so certain about liking me before, but now, where's your certainty and confidence?"
"Xie Qingyan." Su Xingmao called her name earnestly, his tone flat: "I don't have that kind of thing in front of you."
In the face of this ambiguous, seemingly distant relationship, he was simply gambling on getting the right answer.
He gazed at her.
But it seemed as if something crystalline rolled down from the corner of her eye, too fast, too quickly, and disappeared in a hurry.
The classroom was so dimly lit that she thought she was seeing things.
“…Alright.” Xie Qingyan was convinced, secretly pleased, nestled in his arms, blinking at him: “Su Xing Mao.”
"Um?"
She called him "Su Xing Mao".
"I'm listening."
A finger climbed up from her Adam's apple, teasing the protruding knuckle. She suppressed a smile, her expression one of reserved smugness: "You really like me that much?"
Su Xingmao nodded firmly and forcefully: "I like it very much." It's not just liking, you have already surpassed everything in this world.
She asked animatedly, "Since when?"
when?
He realized that her name was written on the pages of his life.
Her memories were like a cocoon; the more he tried to hide and struggled, the tighter the entanglement became, until he was trapped inside and could hardly breathe.
Before seeing her each day, he would feel a numbing pain in his heart, a mixture of anticipation and fear. When he couldn't see her, his heart would feel empty, as if a piece of it was missing.
She was like a wild wind, blowing him wildly, yet mischievously slipping through his fingers; he tried in vain to grasp her.
When he unconsciously chased after her, he knew that he had fallen hopelessly in love with someone.
"A long, long time ago."
The sweet smile on her lips could no longer be contained; it spilled out from her eyes, which were crescent-shaped and sparkling. She no longer resembled a proud kitten, but rather a little fox that had captured its prey, brandishing its sharp claws and showing off triumphantly: "One last question, how much do you like me?"
After pondering for a long time, Su Xingmao wanted to answer this difficult question seriously. He wanted to say that he might still be unqualified, dull, boring, and uninteresting, but if you were willing to give him some time, he would use all his knowledge to love you in a way that surpasses even loving himself.
But the mischievous people around me don't think so.
Her voice was like a little hook, drawing his breath upwards.
"What do you think of me?" The girl's fingertips traced his skin, from his jawline to his lips, a slight itch and warmth rising up.
Xie Qingyan brushed his eyelashes aside.
She repeatedly pinched out a little dampness with her fingertips; she hadn't misread it.
He looked at her expressionlessly, his eyes welling up with tears.
Her heart was in turmoil.
It was getting late, and the last ray of light disappeared on the horizon. The ivy covering the wall drooped dejectedly, rustling in the wind.
She wanted to turn on a light to illuminate the room, but he stopped her, saying it wasn't necessary.
Xie Qingyan stroked his trembling eyelids, thinking that perhaps it wasn't a light rain, but a river crying.
The long wait and the countless moments of sadness converged into a torrent that broke through the dam.
People who always cry miserably don't understand why some people can be quiet when they're sad.
Time stood still for a long time.
Her slender white fingers danced before his eyes, the light and shadow shifting constantly, like the pick of an old camera, the lens changing rapidly, finally focusing on her face as she regained her smile.
She leaned down and kissed his eyes, tasting the sour and salty flavor on her tongue.
"Okay, I know."
Is this considered coaxing? She didn't know. She acted on instinct, awkwardly pulling his head into her arms, like her mother would hold her when she was little, gently patting his back.
Are you feeling better?
He's too good at putting on a brave face: "I'm fine."
Xie Qingyan stood up, turned on his phone's flashlight, and leaned forward to examine it carefully.
What are you looking at?
They were so close together, in the dim light, that they couldn't see each other's faces clearly, only their hot, humid breaths mingling together.
It was like stepping back into the distant past of childhood, when they sat shoulder to shoulder, head to head, huddled under the covers, watching glow-in-the-dark comic strips together. Back then, space was limited, and even the air had to be shared.
For so many years, they have been breathing the same air from the same small patch of land, watching the wisps of white vapor swirl around.
With the lights on, her large, porcelain-blue eyes darted around: "Let's see if someone's secretly crying."
Xie Qingyan curiously played with his dried eyelashes. Each straight little black line was like a blade of grass growing downwards, sharp and prickly.
She shrugged regretfully: "Looks like there aren't any left."
The flowing green spread out, and by now it had turned into a tired bluish-black circle. She looked down and said meaningfully, "Your dark circles are really heavy."
"Why?" Xie Qingyan muttered, trying to ease the tension, but what came out was a malicious speculation: "You still haven't told me, what are you thinking about me? Last night, did you think about me while you masturbated?"
She still harbored resentment towards him for ignoring her.
His expression changed so quickly; one moment his eyes were red, and the next his face was flushed.
"Do you want me to do this, Yan Yan?"
Her hand hovered over his face, and Su Xingmao's breath rose up, steaming with wisps of heat.
"You're so lecherous, do you need me to hope for you?" Xie Qingyan rolled her eyes. It was meant as a joke, but upon reflection, it made more and more sense.
"I think you probably missed me and that's why you couldn't sleep after flying all night."
The boy lowered his head, his chest trembling, and a muffled laugh lingered in her ear: "Thank you for thinking of me as so brave."
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