Chapter 38
Time: August of the year following Qiu Yayu's departure.
For over a year, Lü Xiaoyan seemed to live in a transparent membrane. The sounds of the outside world were blurred, and the colors seemed much dimmer. He completed his studies methodically, even finishing most of his credits ahead of schedule with an almost self-destructive focus. His graduation work—the "Empty Mirror" series—attracted considerable attention with its extreme calmness and the omnipresent sense of "absence" in the paintings, and also earned him an opportunity to study at a top art academy abroad.
His mentor patted him on the shoulder and said earnestly, "Xiaoyan, go out and see different worlds. It will help your writing and... your state of mind."
The parents were naturally supportive, carefully hiding their worries and only repeatedly saying, "It's good to go out and relax."
Lü Xiaoyan himself was at a loss. Leave? It seemed like nowhere was more important. Stay? Every inch of air here was filled with her image. Ultimately, he accepted the offer, completing the formalities and booking his flight as if it were a task.
The departure date was set for August 30th. It seemed like an unconscious arrangement; he needed to escape this land before that date.
The campus in August was still sweltering, filled with the incessant chirping of cicadas. In the last few days before leaving school, Lü Xiaoyan began packing up his dormitory. Most of his belongings had already been packed and shipped, leaving only some odds and ends and personal items. He opened the bottom drawer of his desk, which contained some things he rarely used but couldn't bear to throw away.
Several old photography magazines, a stack of used printer paper with the back for sketching, a few pens that had run out of ink... and a thick kraft paper envelope forgotten in a corner.
He paused, not remembering when he had left such an envelope there. The envelope wasn't sealed, looked quite old, and had slightly worn edges. He hesitated, then picked it up; it felt rather heavy.
He sat down on the bare bed and opened the envelope.
Inside was a stack of photographs. Not his meticulously composed, perfectly developed works, but... Polaroid photos.
Those square photographic papers that capture the moment instantly, with a unique retro hue and rough texture.
The first photo is a close-up of the darkroom. Under the glow of a red safel, bottles of chemicals are piled up in the corner of the workbench. The background is blurry, but you can tell it's his darkroom. In the lower right corner of the photo, there are crooked little words written in white pen: "The way my senior works so diligently is like he's casting a spell."
Lü Xiaoyan's fingers trembled violently. This was... taken by her?
He quickly flipped to the second picture. It was a profile shot of him sleeping face down in the library, sunlight streaming through the window and casting tiny dappled patterns on his eyelashes. Next to it was a caption: "Shh~ A sneaky photo of a sleeping senior, his eyelashes are so long!"
The third photo shows his furrowed brow as he adjusts the camera. The caption reads: "Frowning can be handsome, but I hope you smile more, senior~"
The fourth photo is of them in the old town. He stood at the alley entrance waiting for the light and shadow, and she secretly took a picture of his back from behind. Caption: "The best scenery in my world."
The fifth picture is from the botanical garden. He's handing her a marshmallow; only his hand and half the marshmallow are visible. Caption: "The sweetest marshmallow, and the best you."
The sixth one...
The seventh one...
One after another.
All of these were photos she secretly took of him.
Some compositions are crooked, some are poorly exposed, and some are even blurry. But every single one is full of life and a clumsy yet overflowing love. The white, delicate, and slightly mischievous handwriting is like her whispering excitedly in his ear, telling him about her discoveries and her favorite things.
Lu Xiaoyan looked at each photo, her breathing becoming increasingly rapid. Her heart felt like it was being tightly gripped by an invisible hand, aching and throbbing. He had never known that she had secretly recorded so many photos with a Polaroid camera. She always carried that rangefinder camera he had given her, pretending to compose shots. It turned out she had been keeping such a "secret photo album."
These photos seemed to fill in some blank corners of his memory, making those past times more three-dimensional and vivid. He could almost see her sly yet satisfied smile as she pressed the shutter, and feel the joy in her eyes as she wrote these annotations.
When he turned to the last stack, his hand paused.
The style of these photos has changed. They're no longer candid shots; they're more like... her own experiment.
There were funny faces she made in front of the mirror.
There was a close-up of the small green plant on her desk.
There was a rainbow hanging outside the window after the rain.
There was a necklace she had recently bought, with a small camera pendant (which he later saw among her belongings).
And... a few selfies.
These weren't carefully angled selfies; they were more like casual snapshots. In one photo, she seemed to have just washed her hair, which was still wet and hanging down. She was without makeup, smiling a little goofily at the camera, her eyes bright. Next to it was written: "I really like Lü Xiaoyan today too!"
The last Polaroid photo shows the familiar dorm desk in the background. A notebook and pen are spread out on the desk, and she is writing something with her head down. Only her downcast eyes and slender fingers holding the pen are visible in the photo. The light is soft, outlining her profile with exceptional gentleness.
The caption for this photo was written on the back of the photographic paper.
Lu Xiaoyan turned the photo over, her hands trembling.
Still using a white pen, the handwriting was neater and more careful than before:
To the future Lü Xiaoyan:
If... I mean if, one day I'm no longer by your side, I hope these photos can keep you company in my place.
I want you to know that you look beautiful when you smile, and you're also handsome when you frown.
I want you to know that when you're working hard, you shine in my eyes.
I want you to know that you are the most beautiful scenery in my world.
So don't be sad for too long. Carry my share and continue to love light and shadow, and love this world.
—You will always love you, Ya-yu.
Time seemed to freeze completely at that moment.
The air stopped moving, and all sound disappeared.
Lu Xiaoyan remained frozen in his photo-taking posture, sitting there motionless. His eyes were fixed on those few lines of text; every stroke felt like a red-hot iron, searing into his retina and penetrating the depths of his soul.
If... one day I'm no longer by your side...
She wrote this sentence.
At the most radiant age of her life, when she was joyfully planning her future with him, she wrote these words that seemed like a prophecy.
What was she feeling when she wrote it? Was it a girl's inexplicable sadness? Or... some vague premonition about an unpredictable fate that she herself was unaware of?
I hope these photos can keep you company in my place...
Don't be sad for too long...
I will carry my share and continue to love light and shadow, and love this world...
It turns out she already "knew".
She had prepared this "gift" for him long ago. While he was still immersed in the happiness of having her, she had already quietly paved a small path for him, leading to a future without her.
"Heh..."
A suppressed whimper, like that of a wounded beast, finally broke through the throat that Lü Xiaoyan was tightly choking.
He suddenly bent over, his forehead slamming heavily against his knees, his hands gripping the stack of Polaroid photos tightly, his knuckles turning bluish-white from the excessive force. His shoulders trembled violently uncontrollably.
All the ice walls he had built up over the past year, all the calmness and numbness he had used to arm himself, were shattered at this moment by this stack of light Polaroid photos and her gentle yet cruel message.
He didn't burst into tears, but instead let out a broken sob, a suppressed chokehold squeezed from the depths of his chest. Tears welled up and quickly soaked his knees, dripping onto the cold cement floor and spreading out a small, dark stain.
It turns out she knew everything.
It turns out that she had even considered the pain he might experience.
It turns out that her greatest wish was not for him to remember her forever, but rather that he... could continue on his journey.
How could he?
How could he carry this heavy "hope" bought with her life and face alone a cold and long future where she would never be again?
I don't know how much time passed, but the sky outside the window gradually darkened. The dormitory was dark, with no lights on.
Lu Xiaoyan slowly raised his head, his face still wet with tears, but his eyes were no longer empty and lifeless, but filled with immense grief that almost tore him apart, as well as a deeper and more complex tremor.
He carefully put the stack of Polaroid photos away, returned them to the brown paper envelope, and held them tightly in his arms, as if holding the last and warmest warmth she left in this world.
He walked to the window and looked at the streetlights that were gradually coming on downstairs, and the city lights in the distance, which were bright but cold.
The next day, August 30th.
Lü Xiaoyan did not go to the airport.
He canceled his flight and emailed the foreign college to decline the offer.
He stayed.
He wasn't trapped by memories, but rather, he found a reason to stay.
He went into the darkroom, without turning on the red light, and looked at the blank photograph on the wall in the gradually descending twilight—"The first year of missing you."
Then, he picked up his pen and, with force and clarity, added a new line of text beside it:
"Open your eyes and see the world you've missed."
This is not the end.
This is a new beginning.
A beginning burdened with love and death, pain and hope, that must continue.
The development process has only just begun.
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