Chapter 28: It turns out I like you
Time seemed to have completely frozen at this moment.
In the distance, Aliang and Huangmao were still arguing and laughing over the ownership of half a grilled sausage. The bonfire was crackling and the evening breeze was still gentle.
But in Gu Ye's world, all sounds disappeared. Only Chu Yan's eyes remained, which looked particularly deep and calm in the night and the firelight.
He stared at Chu Yan blankly, his mind going blank.
The embers of the charcoal fire flickered outside the tent, like tired eyes blinking in the dark night. The occasional crackling of the charcoal was particularly clear in the silent wilderness. Not far away, in the tent of Aliang and his friends, the sound of snoring rose and fell like a dull background sound.
Gu Ye lay stiffly in his sleeping bag, his eyes wide open, staring intently at the blurry and distorted shadow on the top of the tent outlined by the faint light from the sky.
The darkness was like thick ink, enveloping everything, but it only amplified the sense of hearing - the steady and long breathing of Chu Yan beside him was like the most accurate metronome, hitting Gu Ye's eardrums clearly again and again, and then vibrating along the nerves all the way to the depths of his wildly beating heart.
"Gu Ye, I like boys."
Chu Yan's voice was as calm as stating an objective fact, without the slightest hesitation or embarrassment. It echoed so clearly in the quiet of the night, mixed with the rustling sound of the night wind passing through the grass tips, over and over again, stubbornly circling and exploding in Gu Ye's mind.
It was an earthquake without warning, instantly tearing apart the crust of his cognition. The surging emotional magma erupted, burning and reshaping all the inherent order.
This thought split the chaos like a cold lightning.
It turns out that Chu Yan's regular weekend disappearances weren't for his "girlfriend," but to see the man named "Shan," a man who could be accurately captured by Chu Yan amidst the bustling crowds and who would happily keep his date in the ambiguous night.
It turned out that the gentle touches, affectionate teasing, and focused gazes that Chu Yan occasionally revealed, which made his heart beat disorderly and his ears feel hot, were not a privilege that only Gu Ye could enjoy.
So, in Chu Yan's world, men could have such an intimate, enchanting relationship? It wasn't just friends, it was brothers, partners fighting side by side, but a deeper bond? It was hugs, kisses, it was...
Gu Ye suddenly closed his eyes, as if this could block out those uncontrollable, surging images. But in the darkness, his imagination became even more unbridled.
How would Chu Yan treat that "mountain"? Would he give it that predatory, possessive look he had never seen before? Would he speak in that deep, raspy, seductive voice? Would he, like that day when they were smoking at the alley, give it that lazy, sexy, bewitching look?
This belated yet remarkably clear realization, like a powerful searchlight, suddenly pierced Gu Ye's heart, a wasteland of emotions long obscured by ignorance, confusion, and self-deception. The throbbing, bitterness, possessiveness, and anxiety about gain and loss—all things he had deliberately ignored, forcibly suppressed, or masked with "brotherhood" and "gratitude"—were ruthlessly stripped away at that moment, laid bare before the judgment seat of consciousness, exposed and exposed.
He likes Chu Yan.
This feeling was so strong, like a long-dormant volcano that finally found an outlet to erupt. The huge emotional torrent made Gu Ye almost unable to breathe.
He subconsciously turned his head, and in the thick darkness, he tried to open his eyes wide, greedily tracing the vague outlines of the people around him.
Chu Yan seemed to be sleeping very soundly, his breathing was even and long, and the lines of his face looked soft and calm in the dim light. The gentle mask that he usually wore with a sense of alienation was completely removed, revealing an unguarded tranquility.
Just by looking at him like this, just by feeling his breath and body temperature so close to him, Gu Ye felt that the burning emotion in his chest was almost about to break through the constraints of his skin and completely ignite his whole body.
However, this brief and turbulent ecstasy and excitement brought by enlightenment is like the rising tide, coming quickly and receding even faster. What follows is the cold reef exposed after the tide recedes - cruel awakening and huge loss.
Chu Yan was genuinely kind to him. He helped him with his homework, took him in when he was homeless, took him out to relax, and even lent him a hand when he was in trouble. These were all tangible acts of warmth. But what was the source of this kindness?
Is it the bet about "being a younger brother" that ended long ago?
Is it Chu Yan’s instinctive affection and charity towards the “weak” or “interesting things”?
Or do you just see him as a friend who needs guidance, a little troublesome but still pleasant? A roommate with whom you can study, exercise, and eat together?
Chu Yan had his "mountain." The man who occupied the "date" position. The man who could make him willingly abandon everything on the weekend. That man, in Chu Yan's life, was clearly more special and more important than "friend Gu Ye."
What would Chu Yan's eyes look like when he looked at "the mountain"? Would it be the same mischievous, helpless smile he'd occasionally given him, like teasing a kitten or puppy? Or would it be deeper, more focused, with a fiery intensity and obsession he'd never seen before? What would happen between them?
Bitterness and jealousy, like two icy venomous snakes, suddenly entangled Gu Ye's heart, their sharp fangs piercing him, bringing waves of suffocating pain and a chill that spread throughout his body. He clenched his fists tightly around the rough lining of his sleeping bag, his knuckles crackling slightly from the excessive force, a sound that was particularly piercing in the silent tent.
Why is it that the “mountain” that I have never even seen can do it?
Is it not possible for Gu Ye to do this? Is he destined to stay forever in the clear-cut box of "friend", "roommate", and "someone who needs help"?
An unprecedented surge of fighting spirit and unwillingness, like wildfire, mixed with the unstoppable pride of youth, exploded in Gu Ye's heart, instantly overwhelming all the bitterness, loss, and pitiful inferiority. The flames burned hot and bright, carrying a determination to burn everything.
Yes! He is not qualified yet!
On his report card, his name was still a long way from Chu Yan's dazzling "top three";
Compared to Chu Yan's fighting skills, his skills were as immature as a toddler's;
He even had to rely on singing in bars to barely support himself to pay the rent for next month, and he had no financial security at all;
He even just clumsily and belatedly figured out his own feelings.
But Chu Yan said that he liked to see him working hard and gritting his teeth to solve difficult problems; Chu Yan would patiently explain those boring formulas to him over and over again; Chu Yan would use clumsy excuses to take him home when he was tired like a dead dog; Chu Yan did not push away his attempts to get closer, did not reject his clumsy advances, and even allowed him to live in his living space - does this mean that he still has a chance?
This was like a faint light in the endless darkness, giving Gu Ye the courage to move forward and the determination to go all out. He was not afraid of the long road or the high mountains, but he was afraid of not even having the qualifications to set out!
Gu Ye took a silent, deep breath in the darkness, as if to absorb the wilderness air, the crisp scent of Chu Yan, and the blazing fire in his chest. His eyes, shrouded in the thick ink, became more resolute than ever before.
He wanted to run faster and jump higher on the track Chu Yan was watching. He wanted Chu Yan's gaze to linger on him a little longer, a little longer. He wanted to become an indispensable presence in Chu Yan's life, a presence that he could no longer easily define as a "friend."
As for that "mountain"?
In the darkness, the corners of Gu Ye's mouth were pulled up into an arc very slowly and forcefully.
Completely and forever, go to hell!
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