My Path
Chapter 56, My Path
After the banquet, my older brother had someone take Lan Feiyu and me back to rest.
I was preoccupied with my thoughts the whole way and didn't say much. Lan Feiyu teased me a couple of times, but when she saw that I only gave perfunctory responses, she stopped talking.
Back in my room, I closed the door and collapsed onto the bed. Before I could recover from my chaotic thoughts, I suddenly heard Lan Feiyu say softly, "Xi'er, if you... if you don't want to, that's fine too."
"Huh?" I responded blankly, and after a moment I realized what Lan Feiyu was talking about. I jumped out of bed and grabbed her hand, saying, "What are you thinking? I didn't mean to refuse. I'm so glad you brought this up in front of your big brother, Yu'er, really."
Lan Feiyu looked at me, bit her lower lip, and her eyes flickered: "But you don't look happy at all."
I forced a smile, which made Lan Feiyu slap my face with a "pfft": "Alright, don't force it, your smile looks much worse than crying. Xi'er, is there something on your mind? Your mother only has you as her child, are you worried about her?"
"Yu'er, you must never call my mother 'old lady' in front of her again. If she immediately gives you a cold look, I don't know what I'll do." I pushed her to lie down on the bed with me. She took off her head ornaments one by one and leaned on my shoulder. The faint, unique fragrance emanating from her body made me feel a little intoxicated. I took a deep breath, turned my head, and my nose almost touched her hair.
“I’m not unhappy, Yu’er,” I said softly, feeling her even breath brushing against my neck. “For you, I am naturally happy. Seeing you… seeing you have a clear path ahead, that you will become the Lord of Bozhou, and that you will hold up the sky for the people of Bozhou, I am more proud of you than anyone else.”
I paused for a moment, my fingers unconsciously twisting the edge of the blankets, and continued, "But... seeing you all discussing national affairs and planning for the future at the table, with my elder brother strategizing and Mr. Tao having a clear vision, and you, Yu'er, you also have your own direction and responsibilities... I suddenly felt like an outsider."
Lan Feiyu shifted slightly, as if she wanted to look up at me, but I gently pressed her shoulder down.
"And me?" My voice carried a hint of bewilderment that I myself was unaware of. "I escaped from the capital to avoid marriage. But now that I've escaped, what's next? I want to see elephants, I want to see my uncle's former fiefdom, I want to travel to the ends of the earth... These are all like the whimsical thoughts of a child. Now, seeing you with such a heavy future ahead of you, I don't know what I should do."
I gave a bitter smile: "Don't be fooled by the title of 'princess' bestowed upon me by my elder brother. It was just a title he came up with on the spot in Bozhou to protect me. What kind of princess am I? I have no fiefdom, no real power, and none of the responsibilities a princess should bear. In the end, I'm still Zhao Xi, the one who ran away from home to escape an arranged marriage. Everyone else has their own place and things to do, but I... it's like I'm still hanging in mid-air, unable to find a place to land."
“So, Yu’er,” I turned my head, looking intently at her profile so close to mine, “I admire everything you are about to shoulder, and I am genuinely happy that you are finally able to do something for your father and brothers, for Bozhou. But, but, well, there’s also a bit of… well, it’s hard to describe. Maybe it’s envy, or perhaps, it’s worrying about myself. You already, no, you already knew which path you were going to take, while I, I still don’t know what I’m going to do next…”
After saying all this, I felt a little lighter, but also a little uneasy, wondering what Lan Feiyu would think of my somewhat disheartening words.
Lan Feiyu nudged her head closer to me. I was a little ticklish and instinctively tried to pull away, but she reached out and put her arm around my waist. Her voice was as soft as cotton: "Xi'er, if you feel that Father and Brother died tragically... or even earlier, Father and I were controlled by two villains, and I had to force a smile, even shamelessly fawn over Xian Asa, and endure... endure that scoundrel. If I didn't have to bear all of this, if I didn't have to think about the future of Bozhou, Xi'er, how could I let others... see you that way?"
At this point, she hugged me even tighter and pressed her upper body against me.
I understood most of what she said. She had suffered such misfortune, which gave her the resilience she has today. Those heavy hardships should not be overshadowed by my lighthearted "envy". My chest ached as if it were being squeezed. But I was a little dazed for a moment because of that last sentence - others... how do they see me?
Who? What do you think of me?
Before I could even process what was happening, Lan Feiyu hugged me even tighter, her cheek pressed against mine, her warm breath brushing against my ear, trembling slightly. This intimate gesture made my heart skip a beat, and suddenly it dawned on me—she was talking about Yuanzi! She didn't want Yuanzi to "look" at me that way, to treat me that way!
With a "whoosh," my cheeks and ears burned, hotter than ever before. The image of Iris's dark green eyes and her cool, irresistible lips uncontrollably surfaced in my mind.
Lan Feiyu held me quietly the whole time. She was so close that she could feel my body stiffen instantly and my temperature rise sharply. She loosened her grip slightly and looked up at me. I panicked and immediately tried to turn my head away, but it was too late. She had already taken in my flushed face and my somewhat evasive eyes.
The look in her eyes, which had just been tinged with a hint of grievance and confession, dimmed the moment she saw my expression. That glimmer of light was like a candle flame extinguished by the wind, leaving only a flickering ember. The softness and warmth in her eyes vanished quickly, replaced by an indescribable sadness and… I even felt a trace of hurt. She slowly loosened her arms around me, and the previously close embrace created a slight distance between us. The faint, comforting scent of pine in the room seemed to have taken on a cooler hue because of her change in mood.
"Yu'er..." I panicked a little and quickly turned around to hug her. She closed her eyes, and clear tears welled up in the corners of her eyes, which made me even more frightened. I couldn't help but press my face against her wet, soft cheek, calling her name softly over and over again, "Yu'er, Yu'er..."
Her breathing was initially rapid, then gradually slowed down; our heartbeats mingled together, creating a deafening sound.
The pounding of my heart, I couldn't tell if it was hers or mine, or perhaps, at that moment, we truly shared the same heart, feeling the same flutter and unease. I held her tighter, my chin gently resting on the top of her head, inhaling the delicate fragrance of her hair, mingled with the faint saltiness of tears. She didn't speak, but simply shifted her position in my arms to a more secure one, like a weary bird finally finding shelter.
Time seemed to stand still at that moment. The sunlight outside the window gradually softened, casting a warm and hazy glow on the furnishings in the room. I could feel her long eyelashes fluttering gently against my neck, bringing a subtle tickle that seeped from my skin into my heart, transforming into an indescribable softness. Involuntarily, I raised my hand, very gently, with a care I didn't even realize myself, to brush away the strands of hair on her cheek that were damp with tears. My fingertips touched her slightly cool skin, and she trembled almost imperceptibly, but instead of pulling away, she buried her face even deeper into the crook of my neck.
My throat tightened; I had a thousand words I wanted to say to comfort her, yet all words seemed pale and powerless at that moment. In the end, I simply tightened my arms, holding this girl, weary and wounded, even closer in my embrace. If I could, I wanted to use my body heat to melt the coldness in her heart and soothe the sorrow between her brows. We held each other quietly like that, feeling a comfort and connection that transcended words in the rhythm of our breaths and heartbeats. It was a strange feeling, as if all the chaos and danger of the world had receded at that moment, leaving only this corner of peace and… and a tenderness I had never felt before, a tenderness that made my heart flutter.
The quieter Lan Feiyu became in my arms, the more I wanted to do something to tell her that I was here with her, that I wouldn't let her be lonely anymore... I... would never feel the same way about anyone else...
Gently, with a decisiveness I hadn't even anticipated, I loosened my arms slightly, allowing me to lift my head a little. She seemed to sense my change and slowly lifted her face from the crook of my neck. Her eyes, washed by tears, appeared exceptionally clear yet confused in the dim light, gazing at me with a questioning look, completely unguarded.
Her lips, still slightly salty from tears, were parted as if she wanted to say something. And I, at that moment, went blank. All my thoughts and concerns vanished, leaving only the face before me that broke my heart, and the longing to meld her into my very bones.
I almost held my breath, slowly, very slowly lowering my head to get closer to her. Her eyelashes trembled slightly again, but she didn't pull away. The instant our lips lightly touched, I felt a sweet, tingling sensation spread from our point of contact throughout my entire body. Her lips were incredibly soft, slightly cool, and carried her unique, faint fragrance. At first, it was just a very gentle touch, like a feather brushing the surface of water, cautiously probing. I could feel her body stiffen slightly, but then, under my clumsy yet firm kiss, she gradually relaxed, even letting out a barely audible, sigh-like moan.
I closed my eyes, pouring all my emotions into this awkward yet sincere kiss—tenderness, comfort, promise, and a surging surge of feelings that I myself couldn't quite discern. At that moment, it seemed as if only the two of us remained in the world, along with the intoxicating softness and warmth between our lips.
“Yu’er,” I heard myself say, “I will stay, stay in… Bozhou…”
She wrapped her arms around the back of my head; this time, it was her turn to take over.
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