My family is a typical rural family. In rural areas, it is normal to favor boys over girls. However, there is also a saying in families without boys: the older ones are loved, the younger ones are cared for, and the one in the middle suffers the most. This saying is the most appropriate for my family.
I was the middle child of three sisters. My older sister had endless new clothes and my younger sister endless delicious food, but I only had my older sister's old clothes to wear, and it was never my turn to eat. Regarding all this, my mother said, "We're poor. You need to go to school, and we don't have enough money, so you just have to make do." Her words of "make do" made me make do for twenty years.
My name is Xie Yu, my elder sister is Xie Lian, and my younger sister is Xie Fen. My elder sister is one year older than me, and my younger sister is two years younger than me. However, when I was born, family planning was strictly enforced in rural areas. A normal family could only have two children at most. Otherwise, if there was one more, there would be a fine. My father had no choice but to report us as twins. Outsiders never suspected it because my elder sister is very small. Even though she is one year older than me, she is not as tall as me.
My elder sister has been sickly since she was young, so all the delicious food belonged to her, and I could only watch. In my memory, my parents never hugged me, and they didn’t even give me the most basic praise. They thought that as long as I had enough food and clothes, that was enough. But they didn’t know how envious and jealous I was when they hugged my elder sister.
When I was a kid, my favorite part of Chinese New Year was being taken to visit relatives. I'd get to eat all sorts of delicious food I couldn't normally eat, and my family might even give me some money. It wasn't much, only five or ten yuan, but it was a significant amount of pocket money for me, and it was the only time of year I'd actually touch money. But even those opportunities were few and far between. My parents would take my older sisters with them and assign me chores.
The villagers told my mother, "How's your second daughter? I haven't seen her in a long time. When she comes, bring her over to meet me."
When my mother heard what the villagers said, she said "OK" stiffly.
The next day, my mother took me to visit relatives as the villagers wished. However, my older sister also went with us, while my younger sister went to other people's homes with my father. I was ten years old at that time, but I felt unfair and wronged, and wanted to cry.
The villager was my aunt. She was very kind and treated me very well. When she saw me and my sister, she came to meet us. I clearly saw that she was running towards me, but my mother stopped her.
[Her aunt, this is Lianlian. It's been a while since we last met. Have you become prettier?]
My aunt glanced at me, then at my mother, and finally her gaze fell on my sister. She raised her hand and touched her head. "Yes, you've become more beautiful again."
When my mother heard what my aunt said, she laughed happily. I know, I have always known that in my mother's eyes, there are only her eldest daughter and her youngest daughter. As for me, I am probably just a filler.
After touching my sister, my aunt wanted to touch me, but my mother stopped her outstretched hand, and walked inside holding my aunt with one hand and my sister with the other. I could only stay where I was, looking at their harmonious backs. For the first time, I wanted to ask my mother why, why did she treat me like this, and whether I was her child.
My aunt looked at my sister and me and said to my mother, "The children have grown up so fast! Time flies. You two girls are so beautiful."
When my mother heard what my aunt said, she seemed particularly excited. She pulled my sister over and said to my aunt with a smile, "This little girl of mine is not only beautiful, but also very good at her work and is very capable. My little daughter has grown up a lot and is already eight years old this year."
When my mother talked about my older sister and younger sister, the smile in her eyes could not be hidden. That was her pride, her source of pride. From beginning to end, my mother never mentioned me. No, to be precise, she didn't even look at me. And I felt very sad when I saw my mother holding my sister's hand.
My aunt seemed to see through my mother's attitude and stopped asking me. She just looked at me and sighed.
That year, I was ten years old. It was the first time my mother took me to visit relatives in the countryside, and it was also the last time. Besides her reluctance, I also didn't want to go, because the partiality in her heart and eyes made me feel very uncomfortable.
When I was twelve years old, my sister and I were infected with chickenpox at the same time. Our bodies were covered with dense chickenpox, which was painful and itchy.
My mother looked at my sister's face full of acne and burst into tears with heartache. She turned around, looked at me, and poked my head hard with her hand. Her hands were not only rough but also very strong. The poke on my head was so painful that I couldn't bear her strength and took a few steps back.
I told you to stay home and not go out, but you refused to listen and ran out, catching chickenpox from someone else and causing your sister to get it too. Are you satisfied? Do you know what you've done to our family and how much extra money it's costing us? Don't you want to study anymore? Where's the money for your medicine? You only cause trouble and can't help us at all.
I was powerless to refute what my mother said. Although I didn't know if I brought the chickenpox back with me, it was indeed caused by me coming home from playing. My tears flowed uncontrollably. I was also a patient, but the treatment I received was completely different.
My mother looked at my tears and seemed even angrier.
[Cry, cry, cry, all you do is cry. How dare you cry? You're such a troublemaker.]
My mother's "evil spirit" made me stop crying. At that time, my mind was filled with the words "evil spirit." At twelve years old, I was already in sixth grade. I knew exactly what these three words meant, and even more so, what they represented. I never realized that in this family of five, I wasn't just the extraneous one, but the one who caused harm. Would anyone who came into contact with me become unhappy? At that moment, I truly began to doubt myself as an evil spirit. Otherwise, why would my own mother call me that?
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