novel
The cafeteria at dinner time was like a boiling cauldron. Luo Yan found a corner with her tray, poking at the rice in her bowl with her chopsticks, but her thoughts were far away—the string of numbers on the sticky note was folded into a small square and hidden in her school uniform pocket, the corner digging into her palm like a hot candy.
"What are you daydreaming about?" Lin Yi sat down opposite her with her plate, biting her chopsticks and laughing. "Your face is almost buried in your bowl."
Luo Yan snapped out of her daze, shoveled a mouthful of rice into her mouth, and mumbled, "It's nothing."
"Nothing much," Lin Yi leaned closer and lowered her voice, "I heard from your senior that you took a picture with Professor Qi?"
Luo Yan's cheeks flushed, but she neither admitted nor denied it.
“You’re something else,” Lin Yi nudged her with her elbow. “You usually look so listless, but you’re actually quite energetic.”
"No," Luo Yan wanted to explain, but felt that the more she talked, the more confusing it would become, so she simply shut up. The scrambled eggs with tomatoes on her plate had cooled down a bit, but she couldn't taste it. Her mind kept replaying the scene from the group photo that afternoon—the height difference when Qi Sheng stood next to her, the faint smell of laundry detergent on him, and her stiff, wooden expression when Yu Qing pressed the shutter.
It wasn't until Lin Yi nudged her, saying, "Hurry up, you'll be late for evening self-study," that she snapped out of her daze, hastily shoveled down a couple of mouthfuls of food, and followed the crowd toward the teaching building.
The evening breeze carried a chill, rustling the plane trees in front of the teaching building. The corridor was much quieter than during the day, with only a few students hurrying by carrying their workbooks. Luo Yan reached the classroom door, hesitated for a moment, then took out the sticky note with the number on it from her pocket and carefully tucked it into her Chinese textbook. Hidden here, it wouldn't be discovered.
When the bell rang for evening self-study, the classroom was already full. The sports meet only gave students a daytime break; evening self-study continued as usual. Outside, the sky had completely darkened, and the fluorescent lights in the classroom were almost blinding, casting everyone's shadows neatly draped over their desks. Luo Yan opened her math workbook, her pen hovering in mid-air, unable to bring it down.
She tried to concentrate on the function graph, but the winding lines all turned into Qi Sheng's profile as he announced his number. She could even clearly recall the gentle curve of his Adam's apple as he spoke.
Stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it.
Luo Yan silently recited the instructions to herself and gently tapped her forehead with the tip of her pen. She opened her physics workbook, trying to distract herself with force analysis, but as soon as she calculated an acceleration, she remembered her heart pounding when Yu Qing dragged her to the judges' table that afternoon.
The soft rustling of pages turning came from the front row. Lin Yi, her deskmate, was writing furiously, her profile illuminated by the lamplight, showing exceptional focus. Luo Yan looked at her and suddenly felt a pang of envy. It seemed everyone else could calmly immerse themselves in their own rhythm, while she, like a derailed train, was overwhelmed by a sudden surge of joy.
She took a deep breath and forced herself to look back at the workbook. Just then, the back door of the classroom was gently pushed open, and Xu Ying appeared in the doorway.
Luo Yan glanced up, not paying much attention. Xu Ying often came to patrol during evening self-study sessions; it was just a routine.
Xu Ying paced back and forth in the classroom, her stilettos clicking softly on the tiles, the rhythm as even as the second hand. Her gaze swept over each row of desks, slow yet carrying an undeniable sense of pressure. Luo Yan was engrossed in solving a problem, her pen scribbling across the scratch paper.
She only looked up casually when the "tap tap" stopped beside her seat, and met Xu Ying's gaze.
"Luo Yan, come out for a moment." Xu Ying's voice was not loud, but it was like a thumbtack, precisely nailed into the quiet air.
Luo Yan paused, her pen hovering over the paper. The surrounding classmates' eyes immediately turned to her, filled with curiosity. She stood up, still wondering: Was it because she hadn't corrected the mistakes on last week's geography quiz? Or was it because her class notes were found to be incomplete during a random check? She followed Xu Ying out of the classroom with light steps.
The motion-activated lights in the corridor turned on, casting long, thin shadows of the two women in a cold, white light. Xu Ying didn't speak, walking straight to the office at the end of the corridor. As she opened the door, she glanced back at Luo Yan, a look that made Luo Yan feel inexplicably heavy.
"Sit down." Xu Ying pointed to the plastic chair opposite the desk, sat down first, and took something out of the drawer and placed it on the table.
Luo Yan had just sat down when her gaze fell on the object, and she froze—it was the novel. The colorful spine was particularly eye-catching under the incandescent light.
She had completely forgotten about it.
"I saw it on your desk during my afternoon rounds." Xu Ying tapped lightly on the spine of the book with her fingertips, her tone flat but with a hint of coldness. "Luo Yan, how many times have I emphasized that the classroom is a place for learning, not a storage room for entertainment books?"
Luo Yan opened her mouth, wanting to explain, "It's just temporarily placed there, I haven't looked at it yet," but Xu Ying's next words blocked her from speaking.
"The sports meet is for you to relax your bodies, not to indulge your minds." Xu Ying pushed up her glasses, the lenses reflecting a cold light. "I've seen your weekly test reports after you transferred classes. Your physics score has plummeted from the passing mark to the bottom. Last time I talked to you about the geography questions you got wrong, you said you 'couldn't remember the thought process.' Now it seems that it wasn't that you couldn't remember, but that you simply didn't take it to heart."
Luo Yan slowly lowered her head, her fingertips twisting the hem of her school uniform. Every word Xu Ying spoke felt like a needle, pricking her most vulnerable spot. After transferring to the science class, she was indeed troubled by physics formulas, but more often than not, she couldn't concentrate—thinking about Qi Sheng's profile while sketching, staring blankly out the window while doing exercises, and even during evening self-study just now, she was pondering whether that group photo looked too silly.
“You transferred to the science class to improve your weaknesses, not to just coast through.” Xu Ying’s voice deepened. “I’ve noticed you’ve been spacing out a lot in class lately, your eyes wandering like a kite with a broken string. Luo Yan, tell me yourself, where has all your energy gone?”
Luo Yan's throat felt blocked, and she couldn't utter a single word. She couldn't very well tell the teacher that she'd been thinking about how the PE teacher played basketball lately, and that she'd been reaching for the piece of paper with the number written on it in her pocket. She couldn't bring herself to say these things, not even to the rigid Xu Ying, and she couldn't bring herself to talk to Lin Yi either.
The only sound in the office was the ticking of the wall clock, as if counting down her silence. Xu Ying's gaze fell on her lowered head. She didn't press further, but simply picked up the novel and put it in the drawer: "I'll keep this book for now. If you get into the top 50 in physics on next Friday's weekly test, come and get it back."
Luo Yan nodded, her eyes welling up with tears. It wasn't from feeling wronged, but from feeling guilty—she hadn't taken her studies seriously and had indeed been distracted by irrelevant people and things.
"Go back to evening self-study." Xu Ying waved her hand and reopened the lesson plan on the table. "Get your mind back on track, don't wait until you fall behind to start worrying."
Luo Yan stood up and walked heavily out of the office. The corridor lights went out, and darkness, carried by the evening breeze, swept in, making her shiver. The sticky note in her pocket still felt warm, but the excitement that had overwhelmed her had now turned into a heavy weariness.
She slowly walked back to the classroom, pushed open the door, and the bright fluorescent light stung her eyes. Lin Yi looked up at her, her eyes questioning. She shook her head and silently sat back down in her seat.
On the open physics workbook, the force analysis diagram was still unfinished. Luo Yan picked up her pen, the tip hovering over the paper, and for the first time clearly realized: those quietly growing, fleeting thoughts should perhaps really be put aside for now.
The bell for evening self-study hadn't rung yet, and the classroom was so quiet you could hear the scratching of pens on paper. Luo Yan gazed at the dark night sky outside the window, feeling a profound emptiness in her heart.
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com