Unspoken thoughts
The snow fell thickly, turning the pines and cypresses on campus a pinkish-white. Luo Yan sat at her desk in her dormitory, her fingertips repeatedly tapping her phone screen—half an hour ago, she had sent Qi Sheng a message, inviting him to have coffee. The chat window was still showing the "sent successfully" notification, like a thread hanging over her heart.
Just as she was lost in thought, her phone suddenly vibrated. Luo Yan grabbed the phone, and a message from Qi Sheng popped up on the screen: "Okay, tomorrow at 3 PM, at the coffee shop near the east gate of the school?"
She stared at the line of text for a full ten seconds before belatedly bursting into laughter.
The next afternoon, Luo Yan arrived at the coffee shop ten minutes early. She chose a window seat and ordered a hot cocoa. The snow outside had stopped, and sunlight streamed through the glass, casting warm dappled patterns on the table, but it couldn't dispel the tension in her heart.
At exactly three o'clock, the door of the coffee shop was pushed open, and Qi Sheng walked in. He was wearing a black down jacket, without a hat, and his hair was a little messy from the wind. When he saw Luo Yan, he walked towards her.
"Sorry I'm late." He took off his coat and hung it on the back of the chair. "I just finished discussing my thesis with my advisor."
"No, I just arrived too." Luo Yan quickly waved her hand and handed him the order. "What would you like to drink, senior?"
"Just one Americano will do."
While waiting for their coffee, neither of them spoke, and the atmosphere became a little awkward. Luo Yan looked down at the hot cocoa in her cup, stirring it gently with a spoon. Finally, she couldn't help but ask softly, "Senior, why haven't I seen you wearing that white tennis cap you always used to wear lately?"
Qi Sheng paused for a moment, his fingers tightened around the cup, and after a few seconds of silence, he spoke, his voice lower than usual: "That hat... it's the one I used to wear when I played tennis."
"Did you used to play tennis?" Luo Yan asked curiously. "I thought you were a track and field athlete, running so fast at the sports meet."
“I’ve been playing tennis since I was little,” he smiled, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “I’ve been playing for almost ten years, and I almost went on to play professionally.”
"Then why..."
“Because of one person.” Qi Sheng’s gaze fell on the snow outside the window, as if he were seeing something from long ago through the snowflakes. “We met at the tennis club. She was a tennis prodigy. We trained together, participated in competitions together, and even had the same rackets.”
Luo Yan's heart sank, and her hand gripping the cup tightened slightly. Hearing him say "training together" and "using the same racket," she vaguely guessed that this person meant more than just an ordinary friend to her.
“We made a promise to join the provincial team together,” he said softly, with a hoarse voice worn down by the years. “That year, I won the provincial championship, but she left.”
He took a big gulp of his coffee, his Adam's apple bobbing. "Later, I asked her why, and she said tennis was too tiring. She was fed up with practicing until her arms were too sore to lift every day, fed up with the pressure of winning and losing. I argued with her, saying she had let down the two of us who had persevered for so many years. She said I didn't understand what she wanted at all..."
“I won the provincial championship trophy,” he said, looking at Luo Yan with deep weariness in his eyes. “After that, I coached the school team a few times, but now I rarely touch a tennis racket. I’ve also put that hat away.”
Luo Yan listened quietly, feeling a tightness in her chest, a suffocating sensation. The fragmented descriptions—the promises they made together, the heated arguments, the resolute turn away—made her increasingly certain that "she" must have been someone very important to him, perhaps his ex-girlfriend.
Behind that missing tennis cap lies a shattered past. His taciturn nature stems from the trust and expectations that were torn apart during that argument.
"So... do you still think about her now?" Luo Yan asked softly.
“It’s rare now,” Qi Sheng shook his head, his fingertips unconsciously tracing the inside of the coffee cup, “but I still subconsciously avoid anything related to her sometimes.”
He paused, then suddenly smiled, a smile tinged with self-deprecation: "It's kind of funny, really. I don't even dare to listen to the bands she likes, for fear of being reminded of the days we went to concerts together."
Looking at the fleeting vulnerability in his eyes, Luo Yan suddenly felt that the shining figure at the sports meet and the man sitting in front of her now overlapped to form a more three-dimensional person.
“Senior,” she mustered her courage and looked at him earnestly, “you must be dazzling when you play tennis.”
Qi Sheng was taken aback, seemingly not expecting her to say that: "It used to be alright, at least she could cheer me on from the stands."
"So now... would you still want to pick up a racket again?"
He remained silent for a long time, so long that Luo Yan thought he wouldn't answer, before softly saying, "I don't know. Maybe when I can truly separate winning and losing from her, and only remember why I liked tennis in the first place, that will be enough."
“Yes,” Luo Yan looked into his eyes, her tone firm. “You’ll never really give up something you love so much.”
Qi Sheng looked at her and smiled, a smile like the sunshine after a snowfall, dispelling the gloom in his eyes: "Thank you for your kind words."
His gaze fell on Luo Yan's face, with a gentle smile: "Actually, I admire you quite a bit."
"What do you admire about me?" Luo Yan was stunned.
"I admire your persistence in pursuing what you love," he said. "Last time I saw you debugging a program, you were so focused, your eyes were shining. That state of mind was very touching."
Praised like that, Luo Yan's cheeks flushed again, and her heart raced. She looked up and met his eyes, which held none of the usual aloofness, only a gentle smile, like the winter sun, warmly shining on her heart.
For a fleeting moment, Luo Yan almost blurted out what was on her mind. She wanted to say, "Senior, I've actually liked you for a long time," and "I've been very happy working with you during this time."
But the words caught in her throat. She saw the relief in his eyes and understood that the wound needed time to heal. She didn't want to add any new burden to him with her feelings at this time. Perhaps, being a junior who could listen to his troubles, like this, was already enough.
"Thank you," Luo Yan lowered her head, concealing her panic, "I will continue to work hard."
Qi Sheng seemed to sense her unease and didn't press further. He simply smiled and changed the subject: "What are your plans for winter break?"
"I might stay home, read books, and learn programming."
“That’s good,” he nodded, “a good balance between work and rest.”
The atmosphere returned to a relaxed state in the following conversation. They talked about their plans for the winter break, their arrangements for the new semester, and even about Xiao Hei—Luo Yan showed Qi Sheng a picture of Xiao Hei and told him that the once timid kitten had now become the "tyrant" of the house.
"So cute." Qi Sheng looked at the photo, a gentle smile curving his lips.
Before we knew it, the café had become quite crowded. The sky outside the window began to darken, and the streetlights lit up one by one, their warm yellow glow reflecting on the snow, creating a particularly cozy atmosphere.
"It's getting late, I should go back." Qi Sheng glanced at his watch and stood up.
“Well, I should go back to my dorm and pack my things too.” Luo Yan stood up as well.
The two walked out of the coffee shop together, and the snow started falling again. Tiny snowflakes landed on their hair, feeling icy cold.
"Thank you for the coffee," Qi Sheng said.
Luo Yan smiled.
As they reached the school gate, Qi Sheng stopped and said, "I'm going back to the graduate student dormitory first. Be careful on your way."
"goodbye."
"goodbye."
Qi Sheng turned and walked into the snow, his figure quickly blurred by the snowflakes. Luo Yan stood there, watching his figure disappear at the end of the road, her heart feeling filled with something warm, yet also a little empty.
She touched her phone in her pocket, but didn't send a message or take another step. Today's coffee was, for her, a courageous attempt and a gentle understanding—understanding his silence and accepting the current distance between them.
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