Gaze in the wind
As the last vestiges of the National Day holiday were packed away in her schoolbag, Luo Yan stood at the gate of Lin'an No. 1 Middle School and took a deep breath. The air still held the lingering warmth of late summer, but the morning self-study bell ringing from the teaching building already carried the solemnity of autumn.
She entrusted Xiao Hei to a younger sister in the same apartment complex, giving her a three-page list of instructions before stepping back into the familiar campus with a heart that felt both empty and at peace, as if scratched by a cat's claws.
The science classroom was on the third floor. Sunlight slanted across the corridor, casting long, narrow patches of light at her feet. When Pan Yue saw her come in, she pushed a stack of math papers over and said in a low voice, "Luo Yan, did you do the last two bonus questions on your National Day homework? I think I should mail them in."
Luo Yan put down her schoolbag, her fingertips touching the cold desktop, instantly sobering her up. She opened her exercise book, her pen leaving clear marks on the paper: "I did it, it's here, take a look."
Mathematics has always been Luo Yan's strength, and since switching to science, this strength has become her most reliable anchor.
In the days since returning from Su Yi during the National Day holiday, she hasn't dwelled much on her interactions with Qi Sheng. Instead, she's focused all her energy on her physics error notebook—force analysis, electric and magnetic fields. Those diagrams and formulas that once made her dizzy have been dissected and annotated with different colored pens. The open notebook looks like a map that needs to be explored slowly.
"You understood this?" Pan Yue exclaimed in amazement at her solution. "I feel like physics is a foreign language to me..."
Luo Yan smiled and pulled out a physics workbook: "I brushed up on the basics during the holidays. Look at this, first draw the force decomposition like this, and it will become clearer gradually."
She spoke earnestly, her fingertips tapping on the draft paper. Sunlight streamed in through the window, falling on her lowered eyelashes and casting a fine golden glow. In that moment, she suddenly felt much more grounded, immersed in formulas and logic, inching forward little by little, than when she was burdened with worries.
During the break before evening self-study, Luo Yan carried a physics worksheet she had taken from her personal bookshelf outside and walked towards the classroom. As she passed the corner of the corridor, she caught a glimpse of Qi Sheng on the playground downstairs out of the corner of her eye.
He was discussing something with a few teachers, standing sideways beside the basketball hoop, his white sweatshirt clinging lightly to his body in the wind. The distance was a bit far, so his words were unclear; one could only see him occasionally raising his hand to gesture, his expression focused and calm.
Luo Yan paused, as if pulled back by an invisible thread. She subconsciously shrank into the shadows, her fingertips tightening around the test paper in her arms.
My heart still feels like it's been gently brushed by a feather, a subtle itch. But this feeling is different from the impetuousness and excitement I felt when facing Song Tian. It's more like a small pebble thrown into the center of a lake, creating very faint ripples that quickly subside.
She recalled Ren Xiangzhou's words: "If you like someone, that's fine, it's not a big deal. But you need to know that your world isn't just about him, it also includes yourself, your paintbrush, and the university you want to go to..."
Yes, it's not just him.
Luo Yan took a deep breath, clutched the test paper, turned around, and strode into the classroom. The physics workbook, open on her seat, awaited her; those challenging problems were what she needed to focus on right now.
A few weeks later, when the physics teacher walked into the classroom with a stack of small test papers, Luo Yan was repeatedly working out a basic problem about force analysis on a draft paper. The pen tip slid across the paper, erasing and revising, her train of thought like a path entangled by vines, requiring slow and careful clearing to see the way.
"This quiz," the teacher placed the test papers on the podium, her gaze sweeping over the class, "was generally okay, but quite a few students still didn't grasp the electromagnetic induction and force analysis sections well. However, one student has made significant progress, Luo Yan," the teacher paused, her gaze falling on her with encouragement, "Your accuracy on the multiple-choice questions improved considerably, especially on the basic force analysis questions. It's clear you put in the effort; keep it up."
Luo Yan paused for a moment, then subconsciously glanced down at her draft paper. A few murmurs arose around her, and Lin Yi nudged her with her elbow, whispering, "You've been secretly improving, haven't you?"
She gripped the pen, feeling a sense of peace and warmth wash over her, as if a gentle warmth had been washed over her. It wasn't a dazzling achievement; she had only gotten two more questions right than last time. But this progress, earned little by little through her own hard work, reassured her more than any praise.
Luo Yan lowered her head and drew a small, smiling face in the corner of the draft paper.
Wednesday's PE class is the most conflicted moment of the week for Luo Yan.
During free time after module classes, most girls would gather together to chat or take a walk, but Luo Yan would often sit on a bench under the shade of a tree with an exercise book in her hand. It wasn't that she didn't want to participate, but she knew that her gaze would always involuntarily drift towards the basketball court—Qi Sheng was there almost every time they had PE class.
Today is no exception.
She spread her workbook on her lap, a problem about uniformly accelerated linear motion in front of her. She had just figured out the conditions for applying the formula, but out of the corner of her eye, she saw figures jumping on the basketball court.
Qi Sheng wore a dark blue tracksuit, sweat soaking his forehead and trickling down his jawline. His wrists moved with magical dexterity when he dribbled, his drives, passes, and shots fluid and beautiful.
The girls around her were murmuring and discussing. Luo Yan watched quietly, feeling a warm glow in her heart.
She remembered watching him pass the ball on the playground, and the warmth of his palm against her wrist as he corrected her movements. That feeling of attraction remained, like a seed buried in the soil in early spring, quietly sprouting.
But this time, she didn't panic, nor did she feel an urgent need to get closer.
She simply looked at him as if he were a moving painting. Then she looked down and wrote a formula in her workbook.
What should it be like to like someone?
Luo Yan thought that she shouldn't treat Song Tian like she used to, making him her whole world and chasing after his shadow; nor should she feel that her troubles had become heavy because of his existence.
True liking should be about making yourself a better person. It's seeing him standing there and wanting to strive to keep up with him, to have the strength to stand shoulder to shoulder with him; it's because of his excellence that you yearn to explore your own potential and become a more confident and composed person.
Just like now, as she watches him shine on the court, her thoughts aren't "How can I get his attention?" but rather "I need to think about this problem again so I can get one more right on the next quiz."
This kind of affection won't burden either of you, nor will it cause you to lose your way in the midst of anxiety and uncertainty.
The basketball suddenly flew towards her, accompanied by a gust of wind. Luo Yan subconsciously closed her workbook, and when she looked up, the basketball had already been intercepted by the boy next to her.
Not far away, Qi Sheng also looked over, his gaze lingering on her face for a moment, then he gestured with his chin to the boy who intercepted the ball, as if to say, "Be careful."
Luo Yan nodded slightly in response to Qi Sheng's direction.
Then she opened the workbook again, her pen tip landing on the paper, refocusing on the symbols and graphics that needed to be slowly digested.
A breeze rustled through the leaves, carrying a faint scent of grass and wood. Sunlight filtered through the foliage, casting dappled patterns of light on her workbook, like a flowing galaxy.
On the day the results of the interim quiz came out, the math teacher held the report card and smiled as she called out the names of the top ten students in the class. When Luo Yan heard her name, she felt very at ease.
Kind applause rang out in the classroom. Luo Yan sat in her seat, knowing that she was gradually pulling her mind away from those fleeting emotions and putting it back on its own track, step by step, steadily and firmly.
At dinner time, Luo Yan and Pan Yue walked to the cafeteria together. As they passed the basketball court, they saw Qi Sheng and several students tidying up the equipment. He had taken off his sportswear and draped it over his shoulders; his white T-shirt was soaked with sweat, revealing his smooth shoulder line.
Pan Yue nudged Luo Yan with her elbow: "Hey, what are you looking at? Let's go."
Luo Yan snapped out of her daze, nodded, and quickened her pace.
As she reached the cafeteria entrance, she suddenly stopped and glanced back. The setting sun painted the basketball court a warm orange-red, and Qi Sheng's shadow stretched long as he bent down to put the basketball into the net bag.
The image of that group photo was still in her mind, but she didn't think about it anymore. She just lowered her head and straightened her backpack strap.
She still likes him, but she's not in a hurry for a response or to get closer.
She needs to first pave her own way, thoroughly understand each problem, and maintain her advantage. One day, when she is confident and accomplished enough, perhaps on a sunny afternoon, she will walk towards her goal with a smile.
Now, all she has to do is carry her heavy schoolbag, with this clear and warm feeling in her heart, and move forward step by step.
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