Chapter 48 "Chu Yi, are we friends?"
Zhou Jiashu took a bite of a freshly baked potato and moved closer to Zhou Ai. He mumbled something with something in his mouth, "Brother Zhou, did you offend Teacher Chu in some way? I feel like he's been reluctant to talk to you lately."
The noise of the bonfire party was muffled by the drizzle and turned into a vague background sound. Zhou Jiashu's unintentional question was still buzzing in Zhou Ai's ears, carrying the heat of roasted potatoes, burning his heart.
Even this clueless kid could see that Chu Yi was avoiding him.
Zhou Ai silently took a big sip of rice wine, sat there obediently, didn't speak for a long time, and quietly looked at Chu Yi not far away.
He saw Chu Yi stand up, glance at the screen of his mobile phone, turn around and talk to the person behind him, then turn around and walk into the darkness outside the party.
Zhou Ai's eyes involuntarily followed the thin figure. When he came to his senses, he found that it had begun to drizzle. The villagers at the bonfire party also stood up and walked towards their homes.
With almost no hesitation, Zhou Ai stood up, picked up a spare umbrella nearby, and followed.
He stopped in the shadows a little further away and watched Chu Yi standing in the rain, talking on the phone. The rain wasn't heavy, but it was enough to soak his hair and clothes. Chu Yi seemed a little absent-minded, speaking quickly and with a subtle weariness.
"Okay, that's it. We'll talk about it when I get back." Chu Yi said this and was about to hang up the phone when he suddenly felt the coolness on his hair and neck.
He raised his head and was stunned for a moment. A black umbrella was silently opened above his head, blocking the rain.
Chu Yi turned around suddenly and was surprised to find Zhou Ai standing just one step behind him.
The other party didn't say anything, and there was no expression on his face. He just looked at him quietly, standing there patiently with an umbrella, waiting for him to end the call.
Chu Yi subconsciously said "hang up first" to the person on the other end of the phone and turned off the screen.
The air suddenly became quiet, leaving only the rustling sound of drizzle hitting the umbrella.
There was a subtle silence between the two of them.
Zhou Ai looked at Chu Yi's slightly widened eyes, in which his own shadow was clearly reflected, and there was a hint of surprise that he had not yet been able to hide.
He asked nothing, said nothing, and silently handed the umbrella handle to Chu Yi, then turned and prepared to rush into the rain. The movement of handing the umbrella was quick and decisive, and he didn't say a word from beginning to end.
However, just as Zhou Ai stepped out from under the umbrella, with the rain about to fall on his shoulders, a cool hand suddenly reached out from behind and gently grasped the edge of his jacket. The force was light, but it instantly stopped him from taking a step forward.
Zhou Ai paused, then turned around, somewhat puzzled. Chu Yi still held onto the hem of his shirt, the umbrella tilted slightly to shield him from the rain, while Chu Yi's own shoulder was exposed to the rain.
"Wait a minute." Chu Yi's voice sounded, lighter than a drop of rain, but it clearly penetrated Zhou Ai's ears.
Zhou Ai looked at him, waiting for the next words. He thought Chu Yi would at least say thank you, or ask, "Why are you here?"
But Chu Yi just looked at him, frowning slightly, and asked: "Give me the umbrella, what will you do?"
Zhou Ai was stunned for a moment, then pulled the corner of his mouth, trying to show a relaxed expression, and pointed to his clothes: "It's okay, my jacket is waterproof."
As he spoke, as if to prove something, he raised his hand and pulled up the hat attached to the back of his clothes, putting it on his head to cover his hair. Then he lowered his head and pretended to continue walking out. "I'm leaving."
That posture clearly showed that he was afraid that staying for even one more second would annoy the other person.
But as soon as he moved, the hand that was holding the corner of his clothes not only did not loosen, but tightened a little.
Zhou Ai turned his head again in confusion. This time, he saw Chu Yi's expression clearly - it was not the distant or polite expression he had expected. On that handsome face, his brows were furrowed, his lips were pressed into a line, and his complexion could even be said to be a little dark, as if... he was angry?
Zhou Ai's heart skipped a beat, thinking that his act of offering him an umbrella had offended him again and only added to his troubles. He quickly said, "I'll leave right away, really, you..." Before he could finish his words, he was coldly interrupted by Chu Yi.
"Zhou Ai."
He addressed her by name, his tone icy and filled with suppressed anger.
Zhou Ai was stunned and looked at him in confusion.
Chu Yi stared into his eyes, his voice even colder, almost emphasizing each word: "If you don't want to fight, then I won't fight either."
After saying that, he actually pretended to let go of the umbrella handle, letting the black umbrella fall to the muddy ground.
"Ah——!" Zhou Ai was startled and almost rushed over to catch the umbrella handle that was about to fall, holding it firmly and covering the two of them under the umbrella again.
Looking down at Chu Yi's cold, distant, and handsome face, Zhou Ai suddenly couldn't understand what he was angry about. "You... I thought you didn't want to hold an umbrella with me... That's why I..."
That's why I left quickly and tactfully, not wanting to embarrass you.
Zhou Ai didn't finish his words, but his meaning was clear.
Chu Yi suddenly raised his head and looked straight at him, saying word by word, "So, you're going to go back in the rain, feeling so self-indulgent and moved?"
The four words "self-touched" were like a needle that accurately pierced through all of Zhou Ai's careful protective layers, revealing the clumsy and sincere heart that was afraid of being disliked.
Zhou Ai was completely stunned, and her fingers gripping the umbrella handle tightened slightly.
The rain was dripping, the space under the umbrella suddenly became cramped, and the air was filled with a tense feeling that was about to explode.
Looking at Chu Yi's angry expression, Zhou Ai suddenly seemed to understand something.
He wasn't angry at himself for sending the umbrella.
He was angry that he was leaving after delivering the umbrella.
He was angry at himself for being "self-sentimental" and "self-satisfied" like "I annoyed you so I disappeared immediately."
Zhou Ai opened his mouth, but didn't know what to say for a moment.
The atmosphere under the umbrella was still eerily silent. Just as his brain froze, unsure how to react, Chu Yi loosened his grip on the corner of his shirt.
When that slightly cool touch disappeared, Zhou Ai's heart subconsciously skipped a beat.
However, the next second, the hand did not retract, but was raised naturally, and lightly patted Zhou Ai's left shoulder to remove the tiny water droplets that had condensed on the fabric of his jacket.
Zhou Ai's body froze instantly, as if struck by a tiny electric current.
All the senses were magnified infinitely at that moment.
He could clearly feel the cool temperature of Chu Yi's fingertips through a layer of waterproof cloth, hear the rustling sound of the drizzle hitting the umbrella more and more intensely, and even hear the sound of his heart suddenly losing control and beating wildly in his chest.
The blood rushed to his head and then quickly fell back, making his ears and neck feel hot.
Zhou Ai's body was stiff, not daring to move, and he even subconsciously held his breath, fearing that the slightest movement would disturb this sudden, almost illusory touch.
Chu Yi moved quickly, brushing away the condensed water droplets before retracting his hand. "Let's go." As he spoke, he handed the umbrella toward Zhou Ai, indicating that he would hold it.
Zhou Ai was still in a state of trance, and his brain was unable to process these continuous instructions.
He uttered "Ah?" in a daze, his eyes a little straight as he looked at the umbrella handle handed to him, then raised his eyes to look at Chu Yi's side profile, his whole body exuding a rare sense of stupidity.
He had completely lost his usual relaxed and even somewhat ruffian look, and instead looked like a teenage boy who had just fallen in love and was thrown into confusion by an unintentional action from the person he liked.
Chu Yi waited for two seconds, but didn't see him take the umbrella, so he couldn't help but turn around to look at him.
Seeing Zhou Ai's obvious daydreaming look, with flushed cheeks and a fixed gaze, Chu Yi was also stunned for a moment. He pushed the umbrella forward again and said in a slightly urgent tone: "Why are you daydreaming? Hold it up."
"Oh...oh! Okay!" Zhou Ai suddenly came back to his senses and hurriedly caught the umbrella handle. His fingers inevitably touched Chu Yi's slightly cold fingertips. Another tingling sensation like an electric current ran through him, and he almost lost his grip on the umbrella.
Zhou Ai quickly gripped the umbrella handle tightly, holding it firmly between the two of them. His heart was still beating wildly in his chest, causing pain in his ribs.
He secretly glanced at Chu Yi beside him out of the corner of his eye and saw that he was looking straight ahead, as if he was about to go back.
Zhou Ai quickly looked straight ahead, his body stretched straight, and he followed Chu Yi's steps with his hands and feet.
The raindrops formed a dense curtain outside the umbrella's edge. The two walked side by side, neither too far nor too close, their arms occasionally brushing against each other's sleeves as their steps synchronized.
Every slight touch made Zhou Ai's heart skip a beat and then beat faster.
He felt like a child who was secretly in love for the first time, his heart filled with unspeakable joy and nervousness, and all his senses and emotions were infinitely magnified and affected by the person next to him.
It turns out that not all "stage-specific relationships" are destined to be cruel.
At least at this moment, in the small space under the umbrella, the sound of raindrops, and the occasional touching of clothes, for him, it was already a long enough heartbeat.
Zhou Ai's heart was still jumping around in his chest, and the trembling feeling brought by the gentle touch just now had not completely subsided.
He secretly glanced at Chu Yi beside him. The man was still looking straight ahead, and the profile lines of his face looked a little cold in the dim light.
The grievances and confusion that had been pent up for a long time, mixed with the inexplicable panic at the moment, finally made Zhou Ai unable to help but speak.
His voice was a little tense, and even had a hint of recklessness and nervousness that he himself was not aware of, similar to that of an adolescent boy.
"Chu Yi," he called his name, then paused, as if mustering up his courage, "Do you dislike me a little?"
As soon as he said that, Zhou Ai felt a little regretful.
It was too blunt, too childish, and hardly something he would ask.
He subconsciously tightened his grip on the umbrella handle, his knuckles turning slightly white, waiting for the other party's reaction, like a prisoner awaiting sentencing.
Chu Yi didn't stop, and didn't even turn around to look at him immediately. Just when Zhou Ai thought he wouldn't answer, or would coldly deny it, Chu Yi turned his head slightly, his eyes fell on his tense face, and asked, "How did you tell that?"
Chu Yi's counter-question was somewhat unexpected to Zhou Ai.
It's not a direct denial, nor is it an affirmative answer.
Zhou Ai was stunned for a moment, and then a deeper sense of grievance surged up. He almost blurted out with a hint of accusation: "You don't even want to talk to me."
He listed the evidence, "You never approach me unless it's absolutely necessary. Even when I talk to you, you only respond with the simplest of words, never using more than two. Sometimes you'll even walk away when you see me coming..."
His voice got lower and lower as he spoke, until it almost turned into a mutter, with a kind of frustration that even he felt a little embarrassed about.
These details, spoken out by him now, seemed more like repeated confirmation of the fact that he was indeed hated.
Chu Yi listened quietly without interrupting. He sighed softly only after Zhou Ai finished speaking.
The sigh was so light that it was almost drowned out by the sound of rain, but it clearly entered Zhou Ai's ears.
"I don't hate you."
Zhou Ai suddenly raised his head and looked at Chu Yi.
Chu Yi did not avoid his gaze, but seemed to be at a loss as to how to put it. He frowned slightly, as if he was organizing his thoughts.
"But," he paused, finally finding the right words, his tone becoming very frank, even a little cruel, "I don't know how to respond to you."
Zhou Ai was even more confused: "My... words?"
Chu Yi looked at him, and Zhou Ai's somewhat silly expression was reflected in his clear eyes.
"Yeah." Chu Yi nodded, his tone calm but direct, "You always say things... that I don't know how to respond to. Sometimes it's a joke, sometimes it's... something that sounds casual, but seems to be more than just casual."
He paused, as if trying to recall specific examples, but ultimately didn't list them. He simply concluded, "I can't tell which ones are serious and which ones are just your habits. I'm afraid if I pick up the wrong one, I'll look stupid, or... cause a deeper misunderstanding."
He looked back at the muddy path ahead, his voice carrying a hint of self-mockery and powerlessness.
“Like now.”
"You asked me if I hated you... If I said 'no,' what would happen next? What would you say? How should I respond? I don't know."
He frankly analyzed his predicament, and the social barriers and self-protection mechanisms that arose from his inability to accurately grasp the other party's intentions were fully exposed at this moment.
"So, many times, silence or avoiding is...the safest and least error-prone option for me."
After he finished speaking, silence fell again under the umbrella, with only the sound of rain remaining.
Zhou Ai was completely stunned. He had never thought that this was the reason behind Chu Yi's alienation and silence.
It's not that I hate it, but I feel helpless.
It was because those words that he thought were harmless, and even contained hints of temptation and provocation, were actually difficult questions for Chu Yi to answer, and he was afraid of answering them incorrectly.
A huge feeling of regret and heartache instantly overwhelmed Zhou Ai.
Looking back at it now, his previous "jokes" seemed so frivolous and irresponsible.
Looking at Chu Yi's slightly furrowed brows and troubled profile, Zhou Ai felt as if his heart was soaked in warm water, sour and soft.
It turns out that this is how the wall was built.
"Then are we friends?" Hearing the second question raised by Zhou Ai, Chu Yi stopped and smiled knowingly.
He didn't say anything, still kept his head down, and walked forward silently. He was thinking seriously about Zhou Ai's second question.
Once upon a time, he was Zhou Ai's fan, and the two of them had a relationship like fan and idol.
Later, he became Zhou Ai's attending physician, and the two had a doctor-patient relationship.
Up to now, the two have been filming the same variety show, and they can barely be considered colleagues.
Therefore, after careful consideration, Chu Yi did not know how to conclude the "friend" relationship Zhou Ai mentioned.
He looked up at Zhou Ai, who was silently holding an umbrella and waiting for his answer on his left, and threw the question back, "If you think it is, then we are."
After he finished speaking, he paused again, his eyes soft, but with an invisible sense of distance, and continued:
"If you think we are not, then we are not."
This is said extremely beautifully, but also extremely... cunningly.
It sounds full of respect and compromise, as if all the choices and definitions are generously given to Zhou Ai.
As long as Zhou Ai is willing, they can be friends now. If one day in the future Zhou Ai feels that it is no longer the case, the relationship can be terminated at any time, cleanly and neatly, without leaving any future troubles.
But when Zhou Ai heard these words and looked at Chu Yi's gentle yet calm eyes, his heart seemed to be suddenly immersed in ice water.
He suddenly realized very clearly that Chu Yi's seemingly gentle decision-making power was actually the most ruthless way of distancing himself from him.
Because this means that in this relationship, Chu Yi himself has no position or attachment.
He is like a calm bystander, thoughtfully providing you with all the options you want, but he is unwilling to invest even a little bit of his own emotions and expectations.
"If you think so, then we are."
——Okay, if you need this “friend” identity to make you feel at ease, then I will cooperate.
"If you think we are not, then we are not."
——Of course, if one day you feel that it is no longer necessary, I will never bother you.
Chu Yi cleared himself of all responsibilities, leaving no thoughts behind and not taking any possible emotional risks.
All the advances and retreats, all the joys and anger, all the beginnings and endings, all depend solely on Zhou Ai's thoughts.
Behind this gentleness lies a deep rationality and alienation.
Zhou Ai looked at Chu Yi, his throat seemed to be choked by something and he couldn't make a sound.
For the first time, he felt so clearly how strong the wall built by the person in front of him was, and how... hurtful it was invisibly.
The rain seemed to be getting heavier.
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