Chapter 38 Mother
The suffocating silence in the living room didn't last long before the door locked again. My dad had returned. He was visibly taken aback by the sight of a strange (and apparently distinguished) young man in the house, but he didn't ask any further questions. He simply nodded at Lin Yan as a greeting.
"Hello, uncle." Lin Yan stood up again and greeted him politely.
"Well, hello," my dad replied, heading straight to the bedroom, presumably to find my mom. Through the door, I could faintly hear a few low conversations, but I couldn't make out the content. Not long after, my dad came out, a freshly lit cigarette in his hand, and sat on the sofa across from Lin Yan.
"Young man, do you want to smoke?" he asked casually and took a puff first.
"Thank you, uncle, I don't smoke." Lin Yan declined with a smile.
My dad didn't force us and started asking random, insignificant questions. He asked about the school environment, what we were studying, and whether housing prices in the city had gone up... Compared to my mom's irritating silence and scrutiny, my dad's casual chatter, with its touch of street smartness, actually made the atmosphere much more relaxed.
Lin Yan visibly relaxed, the stiffness fading from his face as he regained his usual composure. He answered with neither servility nor arrogance, occasionally even chiming in on my dad's topic. The atmosphere was surprisingly harmonious. I sat nearby, watching Lin Yan and my dad chat about family matters, and my heart settled a little.
As we chatted, my dad habitually took a deep puff of his cigarette, and the air was filled with smoke.
Lin Yan looked at the smoke, his brows furrowed slightly, and then he reminded him in a very natural tone, with a touch of concern from a younger generation: "Uncle, smoking is not good for your health, especially your lungs."
My dad's fingers paused as he held his cigarette. He glanced up at Lin Yan, a hint of surprise in his eyes, then looked back at the lit cigarette. He was silent for a few seconds. Then, without saying anything, he silently put out the cigarette he had just taken a few puffs of into the ashtray on the coffee table.
This action made me stunned for a moment. My dad is a heavy smoker, and my mom usually says he's useless, but today he actually listens to Lin Yan?
The atmosphere was a bit awkward, but luckily dinner was served soon.
The dinner table was still dominated by a dull atmosphere. My mother ate in silence, occasionally serving some food to the guest (Lin Yan). My father, perhaps trying to ease the awkwardness, offered, "Xiao Lin, it's so late, and it's not convenient to go home. Why don't you stay home for the night? Let Xiao Rui clean up the guest room for you."
"Thank you, uncle and aunt. Sorry to bother you." Lin Yan agreed with a smile, his attitude humble and polite.
When asked which room they would stay in, Lin Yan replied naturally: "Don't bother uncle and aunt. Chen Rui and I can sleep in the same room. His bed is quite big." He said it very frankly, as if this was the most normal thing.
The moment he finished speaking, my mother, who had been unresponsive and eating with her head down, suddenly raised her head and gave Lin Yan a sharp glance! That look was swift, like a cold blade, carrying a penetrating scrutiny and... a hint of indescribable complex emotions. Although she quickly lowered her head and continued eating, the sense of oppression brought by that glance made Lin Yan and I feel a pang of fear.
The smile on Lin Yan's face froze for a moment, then returned to normal, as if nothing had happened.
After dinner, I returned to my room, closed the door, and shut myself off from the outside world. I finally breathed a sigh of relief. Lin Yan, like a heavy burden had been lifted off his shoulders, leaned against my desk, and whispered with lingering fear, "Ruirui...your mother...is quite a character."
I smiled bitterly and nodded: "Really? The aura is too strong."
Lin Yan rubbed his brows, a rare flicker of frustration visible. "To be honest, I've seen plenty of situations. Presenting projects to high-ranking university leaders, negotiating with company executives—I've never been afraid. But just now... the look in your mother's eyes made the hairs on my back stand up." He chuckled self-deprecatingly. "I don't know if it's because I'm naturally nervous about meeting my partner's parents for the first time, or if your mother is just... unfathomable."
I walked over, leaned against him, and said with a hint of sarcasm, "My mom is a Chinese teacher at a key high school, and she's also the head teacher. She's taught key classes for decades, so she's seen all sorts of troublemakers. When she scolds someone without using a single curse word, it can make you question your life. Her eyes, when she looks at students, are like X-rays. Our little thoughts are probably as transparent to her."
"No wonder..." Lin Yan suddenly realized, and then asked curiously, "Then... Auntie...seems to be quite..." He chose his words carefully, "...distant?"
Mentioning this, I felt a bit down again. We were alone in the room, the night darkening outside the window. I pulled Lin Yan to sit on the bed, leaning against him. Speaking softly, I took the initiative to talk to him about this for the first time.
"My mom's life...it wasn't easy," I said slowly. "She was born in a rural family that particularly favored boys over girls. She was the eldest, with younger brothers and sisters. She studied hard and finally got into college, but her family didn't want her to go. They wanted her to get married early in exchange for a dowry to support the family. She managed to finish school by working odd jobs and taking out student loans. Then, after only two years of working, her family started urging her to get married. They pushed really hard. They introduced someone to someone at random, and that was my dad. My dad is...as you can see, a very honest and hardworking person, but not very educated, just an ordinary worker. My mom...she's very intelligent and ambitious, but my dad and I...don't really have much in common."
I paused and felt Lin Yan holding my hand tighter.
"I can sense that my mom has a natural aversion and distrust towards men. Maybe it's the trauma of the environment she grew up in? Or maybe it's because her marriage to my dad... there really wasn't any emotional foundation? Anyway, she's very distant from my dad, and towards me..." I trailed off, a little bitterly, "...and can't show that kind of... normal, passionate maternal love. It's like she... doesn't know how to express it, or... doesn't want to express it at all?"
Lin Yan listened quietly, saying nothing, only holding me tighter. His chin rested on the top of my head, and I could feel the rise and fall of his chest. He had initially thought it might be some specific conflict, but he hadn't expected it to be a deeper, more helpless intergenerational trauma.
"Ruirui..." His voice was a little hoarse, with an unbearable heartache, "What hurts me the most... is you." He turned me around and held my face. In the dim light, his eyes were surprisingly bright, and they were full of tenderness. "As a child, you should have received your mother's unreserved love and grown up in a warm and normal family atmosphere..." His thumb gently brushed the corner of my eye, which was a little wet. "Although my family is not very good, my mother... she is a very gentle person who loves children very much. A large part of my personality is like her. So I know... how important those things you are missing are."
I looked at his distressed eyes and smiled, a smile that held a hint of relief and a familiar numbness. "It's all in the past. I've been used to it since I was little. I realized at a very young age that my mom was different from other moms. When other kids fell, their moms would lovingly pick them up and comfort them. After school, their moms would affectionately ask what they learned that day and what friends they made... But my mom would just silently hold my hand and walk me home without saying a word."
A clear image emerged in my mind, and my voice trembled slightly:
"I'll never forget... In third grade, I was naughty and got into a fight with some classmates. I accidentally broke someone else's first-floor window with a rock. The adults in that house were incredibly aggressive, grabbing me and scolding me, insisting on calling my parents. My mom showed up, didn't ask me anything, just calmly apologized and said, 'We'll pay whatever you want.' But they wouldn't give up, cursing at me harshly, saying things like, 'You have no manners,' and 'What did your parents teach you?' My mom was..." I recall the scene, her eyes as cold as ice. "She just raised her head and glared at the guy. That look... was so frightening, the guy choked up, unable to say anything more. Then my mom took my hand, turned around, and walked away without another word. She was still silent on the way home."
"Later... she barely even cared about my studies. If I did well on a test, she wouldn't praise me; if I failed, she wouldn't scold me either. It was as if... my existence was just a mission accomplished for her?" I twitched my lips in self-mockery. "But luckily, I wasn't stupid. I figured things out on my own and managed to get into a pretty good university."
After saying this, the stone that had been weighing on my heart for years seemed to lighten a little. I looked up at Lin Yan, wanting to tell him that I was fine.
But what he saw was Lin Yan's red eyes and tears streaming down his cheeks.
I was stunned. As far as I could remember, Lin Yan cried only a handful of times, and most of those times were when she was deeply moved or felt extremely distressed about me. Like now, she was weeping silently as I recounted my past experiences...
"Hey... Lin Yan... you..." I was a little at a loss. I reached out to wipe his tears, but then I found it funny. "Why are you... so happy all the time now?"
Lin Yan grabbed my hand and pressed it against his chest. My heart was beating fast and hard. He pressed me tightly into his arms, so hard that it seemed as if he wanted to rub me into his bones and blood. His voice was choked with sobs, filled with strong love and unspeakable heartache:
"That's because I love you... Ruirui... I love you so much..." His voice was broken and painful, "I wish... I wish I could travel back to when you were a child... take you away... take good care of you... not let you suffer even the slightest injustice... not let you learn to read people's faces at such a young age... not leave you alone..."
His sobbing words were like a hot iron, instantly burning through my heart.
I froze in his embrace, my nose tingling with bitterness. This fool… he was grieving for the past, the smaller, less cared-for me. This heartache and love, transcending time and space, was so heavy it almost took my breath away, yet so warm it melted the ice deep within me.
I hugged him back tightly, burying my face deep in the crook of his neck, which held a familiar, refreshing scent. My muffled voice was a little tearful, yet incredibly serious:
"Silly... what nonsense are you talking about..." I sniffed, trying to make my voice sound a little more relaxed. "If... all the misfortunes I experienced before... were just to accumulate enough luck... for me to meet you... then I think... it's worth it. Really, Lin Yan, I am... very content now."
Lin Yan's body jolted, and he hugged me tighter. The only sound in the room was the mingling, wet sound of our breaths, and two hearts clinging to each other, beating for each other. The night outside the window was still dark, but the warmth in the room, filled with love and heartache, was enough to dispel any past chill.
In the master bedroom next door, Chen Rui's mother leaned against the headboard, not asleep. The faint voices in the living room had long since ceased, but the suppressed sobs and whispers coming from her son's room, as well as the unusual, overly close movements... made her sigh silently in the darkness, her eyes complex and indecipherable. She turned over, but ultimately did nothing.
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