Chapter 34 Leaving
"Yin'er, I won't. I will listen to you from now on, okay? I'll go find him and talk to him clearly, okay?" Gu Wan hugged her in panic. What did she do? How did it become like this?
Liu Yin'er pushed her away and stood up as if she had made some important decision. Then she turned her head to look out the window with a lonely expression and a cold tone, "Awan, please go away. Being with you always makes me scared. I'm already scared. Please go away, leave this home, leave Jiuqu County, and go back to your capital. I don't want to see you again. Please let me go."
Gu Wan looked at the person in front of her in disbelief. No, this was not true, it was not like that. She had been in ancient times for twenty years, and for the first time she felt like crying but had no tears. "Yin'er, don't be like this. I was wrong. I will never drink again." She once again hugged the person in front of her tightly, throwing away her reserve, just to urgently find that sense of security.
"Awan, stop acting like a child. I still like your calm and relaxed look before. We shouldn't have been together. Go home, go back to the capital. I'm tired. Just listen to me this last time. Let yourself go, and also... let me go." Liu Yin'er stroked Gu Wan's back, biting her lower lip tightly. Every word she said took a huge effort, but even though the words were so heavy that she had difficulty breathing, she still said them cruelly.
What was I like before? At that time, I didn’t care about anything, but it was just because there was no one in my heart that I cared about. But now, because of you, I have gradually changed. But you told me to go home, but can a place without you be considered home?
"So you came back like this." Li Yuan looked at the man in front of him who looked distraught, and couldn't believe that the person in front of him was the Gu Wan who was full of vigor and vitality back then.
"What else can I do? Maybe it's better this way. The two of us are far apart. When there is no feeling between us anymore, there will be no hurt." Gu Wan couldn't help but feel a surge of welling in her eyes. She turned her head and sighed. She wanted to take Yin'er away with her, but she would be too selfish. Yin'er still has relatives here. What's more, if she said some words, she might get rejection.
Hu Ziyan looked at Gu Wan with disdain. She said that it was fine, but who was she showing the pain on her face? "I think it's fine too. Otherwise, my sister Yin'er would be worried about you every day. It's too hard for her."
"Yan'er!" Li Yuan quickly interrupted his wife and cast a caring look at Gu Wan with an apologetic look. His wife was too blunt in her words, although she did not say anything wrong.
"So what are your plans, Brother Gu? Going back to Beijing or..." Li Yuan used his eyes to comfort his wife who was still angry with Liu Yiner, and asked carefully.
"What else can I do? I'm afraid I have to bother you for a while." Gu Wan sighed again. She never expected that one day she would end up in such a situation. Life is really unpredictable.
Li Yuan saw that she always sighed when she spoke, and he couldn't help but sigh as well. "Hey~ Don't be too pessimistic. It's not that serious. Are you not allowed to go home? Go back tomorrow and admit your mistake. As for Zhao Yunzhong, let's work together to find a solution."
Gu Wan didn't say anything, but held her forehead with her hand as she felt a headache. If Zhao Yunzhong's problem could be easily solved, her wife wouldn't let her leave. The most important thing was that Liu Yin'er's expression and tone at that time had shattered her courage to the point where not even a slag was left. How could she dare to go back? She was afraid that her wife was determined this time. She had promised to never leave her. Sigh...
The next day, Gu Wan went to the academy first. Seeing Zhao Yunzhong trying every possible way to talk to her, she was too tired to deal with him. She said hastily, "Brother Zhao, it's impossible for us. My wife is the only one in my heart." Then she hurried away. It turned out to be her own fault. If she had known this would happen, she would not have done it in the first place.
So she gathered up her courage for a whole day and rehearsed her lines countless times. When night fell, Gu Wan finally arrived at the door of her home in Liujia Village. She knocked lightly on the door, but there was no response. Gu Wan sighed again and pushed the door in vain, only to find that it was locked. She looked at the cold moonlight and finally left.
Late at night, Gu Wan tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep. Her eyes felt sore from time to time. Thinking of the conversation at that time, she suddenly felt infinite panic. What if... what if this separation would last forever? The worry and fear accumulated little by little, making her breathless.
She kept her eyes open until dawn, then quickly washed up and hired a carriage to head towards Liujia Village, preparing for the worst, as if this would give her some courage.
She had walked this road countless times, and she didn't know how many times she had caused her young lady to return home alone and lost because of her stupidity. The more she thought about it, the deeper the guilt. Gu Wan stared blankly out the window, wondering how many mistakes she had to make in this life before she could learn to be a good lover.
Arriving at the courtyard gate, she had just stepped out of the carriage when she saw someone about to leave. Gu Wan's throat tightened and she couldn't help but choke up for a moment. The mental preparation she had put in along the way collapsed in an instant. "Yin'er, I..."
"Come back to my room and talk." Liu Yiner looked at Gu Wan who had lost her composure and hurriedly asked her to go back to her room and talk.
"Yin'er, come back to Beijing with me, we can..." Gu Wan was interrupted halfway through her words, and she had no choice but to respond and listen.
"Okay, A'wan, there's no point in saying more. I'm really tired. Our fate is too shallow. You and I are just husband and wife in name only. It's probably destined by heaven. Anyway, take care of yourself." Liu Yiner covered her face with her hands in annoyance, then looked up at Gu Wan seriously, and said cruel words with determination.
"Yin'er, don't be like this. I wanted to wait until you were eighteen years old before..." Gu Wan was interrupted again when he was about to say something.
"Enough, stop talking, I don't want to listen, go away, don't bother me again, and, don't, don't let me see you again." Liu Yiner pushed Gu Wan out of the door, turned around and locked the door, "Please, stop talking, I'm scared, go live your life, find a man who loves you, it's better than being in fear with me like this."
"Yin'er, I... okay, I'll go, you... you have to be happy..." Gu Wan stroked her chest hard. It was like there was an invisible hand inside, tightly grasping her heart, contracting it so hard that it was suffocating and painful.
Liu Yin'er leaned against the door. There was only a wooden door between them, but it felt like there were thousands of people between them. At this moment, she wanted to chase out the door, but she was afraid.
I'm afraid that after your identity is exposed, we will suffer even heavier things, things that will crush us, and that will be a disaster that we cannot bear. People in ancient times often said that a short pain is worse than a long pain. Maybe that's the case. Just pretend that you have never come, just pretend that I have never loved you.
Jiuqu County, in front of the Gu Mansion, Li Yuan and Hu Ziyan snuggled together, watching Gu Wan's carriage go away.
Hu Ziyan glanced at Li Yuan with a little melancholy. They must be well in the future and must not end up like Gu Wan and the others.
Li Yuan gave his wife a caring hug and said, "Don't worry, Yan'er, Brother Gu will return to Beijing safely. Uncle is ill, and as a daughter, she should go back to take care of her father. In the future, we should help her take care of Sister-in-law Yin'er.
Hu Ziyan narrowed her eyes in relief, "Silly husband, I'm not worried about them but us. However, I must have been worrying too much. Her silly husband neither drinks too much and makes mistakes, nor does he care about other men. I am lucky."
On the carriage back to Beijing, Gu Wan watched Li Yuan prepare fine wine for her. Would drinking to drown her sorrows only make her more sorrowful? But why couldn't she drink a single sip at this moment? Even her hands and feet felt awkward. She had never experienced this before and could only put her hopes on time, hoping that time would dilute everything.
Isn't there a saying that goes: Time is the best medicine! Gu Wan thought to himself.
However, after countless days and nights, she realized that there is a kind of lingering pain in this world that nothing can take away. That pain is called: unrequited love.
(Before the Capital)
General Zhenyuan Li Deguang was an unknown young general in his early years. He was competitive and brave when he was young. By chance, he once saved a merchant girl. Although he was a martial arts expert, he was not as worldly-wise as others, so he had always been just a small guard in the army. Later, it seemed as if he was suddenly discovered by the commander-in-chief, and he was promoted all the way.
Later, when he made great contributions and was ranked among generals, he happened to sit at the same table with his former commander-in-chief. Even though he was not good at dealing with people, he knew that he should be grateful for the former's support. However, he did not expect that he would learn the truth about his promotion.
It turned out that his promotion was not due to his own hard work and luck, but because the Lu family in the capital spent a lot of money to help him. He vaguely remembered that he had rescued a beautiful lady before, and they hurriedly introduced themselves to each other, and it seemed that she was the eldest lady of the Lu family trading company.
Later, when the emperor awarded the general's mansion, he thought about it and decided to go to the general's house to express his gratitude. In fact, he had also thought that he was about to get married. However, he did not expect that Lu Qin, the daughter of Lu family, although a merchant's daughter, was proficient in music, chess, calligraphy and painting. Because of her beauty, she was also known as one of the four talented women in the capital. So, with the man in love and the woman willing, they got married.
Although Li Deguang had little education, he was a general after all, and he had some abilities. Most of the time, he was still aware of the righteousness, so he married Lu Qin as his wife. Originally, the two got along well after marriage, but one year after marriage, Lu Qin still had no children. After a while, Li Deguang planned to take a concubine. In fact, for a man of his status, marrying two wives and concubines was relatively small. Most others had three or four wives and concubines. So when he welcomed Zhou Wan, who was as famous as Lu Qin and one of the four great talents, into the mansion, Lu Qin did not care.
However, just a few months after Concubine Zhou came into the mansion, coincidentally, both of them became pregnant. And Li Deguang, in order to continue the family line, talked about giving birth to two big fat boys every day, so both women became nervous.
When it was time for the due date, Aunt Zhou's child was born a day earlier, and it happened to be a boy, named Li Duanyan, who looked and had the same temperament as his father. However, his legal wife Lu Qin gave birth a day later, but fortunately it was also a boy, named Li Duanru, which is our Gu Wan, but he looked and had the same temperament as his mother.
As the two children grew up, their personalities became completely opposite: one was literary and the other martial. As for Gu Wan, she realized from her mother's words and deeds that her gender had been lied to her just a few days after she traveled to ancient times. So after Lu Qin died of illness, she, who had no interest in officialdom, began to plan to leave the capital all day long. Her father also paid less attention to Gu Wan because he loved his eldest son Li Duanyan very much.
When Gu Wan got married by accident and left home on the occasion of her wedding, leaving a letter behind, he, as a father, was only angry for a moment and thought that the child had never suffered.
Later, he learned that Gu Wan fell off a cliff and his life or death was unknown. Although he was depressed for a long time, he had always paid little attention to his frail youngest son and did not invest too much emotion in him. Except for the initial guilt, the pain gradually faded.
But the will of heaven is unpredictable. Who would have thought that during this expedition, his eldest son, whom he had always placed high hopes on, died in the battlefield. He also fell ill because of this. He thought he had no children, but Lu Zhi told him that his second son who accidentally fell off the cliff was still alive. While sighing that there was a successor in the general's mansion, Li Deguang was worried about the frail body of his son, who was afraid that he could not take on such a heavy responsibility.
Aunt Zhou, who was immersed in the grief of losing her son, was worried about the assassination she had planned when she learned that Gu Wan was not dead. She was afraid that Gu Wan had discovered it.
Unfortunately, man proposes, God disposes. For so many years, she had made painstaking plans for her son and thought she had solved the future troubles. However, she did not expect that the huge family business of the general's mansion would eventually become a wedding dress for that woman's child.
Her son was the eldest son, and even though he pleased the master, he was inferior to others because he was not a direct descendant. Her son was so outstanding, but ended up like this. Aunt Zhou was guarding Li Deguang's bedside, in a trance. When she was young, she was one of the four great talented women in the capital. She did not listen to that man's advice and gave her whole life to this man, but in the end, she got nothing.
The next day, under great mental pressure, Aunt Zhou sent someone to prepare a sedan chair and went to the Qingshi Taoist Temple in the suburbs of Beijing. She did not go there to seek help or pray, but just to reminisce with old friends.
"Sister Li, how are you these days?" Zhou Wan saw someone sweeping fallen leaves leisurely in front of the Taoist temple from afar. As usual, she opened her mouth and called out to the nun in gray cloth clothes, "Sister Li."
"Donor Zhou, please be careful with your words. My Buddhist name is Congzhi." The woman turned around, and her appearance was exactly the same as Shangguan Qing, except that her face was a little more haggard. It turned out that the Buddhist nun Congzhi of the Qingshi Taoist Temple was the prime minister's wife who became a nun shortly after giving birth to a daughter.
"Sister Li, I'm here to congratulate you. Qing'er may still be alive." Zhou Wan tried hard to smile and hide her unhappiness.
Master Congxin turned back to the hall with a calm expression. Listening to the footsteps behind her, she raised her head slightly and closed her eyes in pain. "Why do you have to put on a smile in front of me? Whether Qing'er is alive or not depends entirely on his own luck. But Duanyan... you..."
"Sister Li, you are not shy. We used to be close friends, but ever since you became a nun for no reason and became a nun, you have been calling me Donor Zhou every time. Why do you have to call me Sister Li? Now I have lost my son and my master is bedridden. The general's mansion belongs to the eldest son. This really fulfilled your wish." Zhou Wan was indignant and took her anger out on the nun with her words.
"Congxin is my Buddhist name. Donor Zhou, please be careful with your words. The mundane world is too far away from me. It's just that you really shouldn't fight with others. You don't have to fight for what belongs to you, and you can't fight for what doesn't belong to you. You must be possessed by a demon." Mother Congxin avoided Zhou Wan's gaze. She turned around quietly, looked at the incense burner, and said the words that she had repeated countless times. After she finished speaking, she closed her eyes again, deeply hiding her pain and obsession.
"I want to fight, let's see what you can do to me." Zhou Wan left in anger again. This was a scene that often played out between them. In a blink of an eye, more than 20 years had passed. She was always indifferent in front of others, but every time she came to the Qingshi Temple, she would reveal her many negative emotions to her close friend who had indulged her the most.
The former wife of the Prime Minister, now Master Congxin, watched the graceful woman get into the sedan chair and leave, then glanced at her own gray cloth clothes, and looked towards the distant sky with dim eyes.
"Wan'er, what kind of life do you want to live in the future?"
"I want to marry a great hero, live a life of luxury, and raise children with my husband. What about you, Sister Li?"
"As for me, I will probably live out the rest of my life with simple meals, a quiet life, and a quiet life with a Buddhist monk."
"Sister Li, what nonsense are you talking about? You are so outstanding, you must marry someone better."
The words we said when we were little are still ringing in my ears. The life I want most cannot be separated from your participation, but what you want has nothing to do with me. So I will stay with you forever and spend the rest of my life with you.
"The rushes are lush and green, the white dew turns to frost. The so-called sweetheart is on the other side of the water. If I follow her upstream, the way is long and obstructed. If I follow her downstream, she seems to be in the center of the water." The verses come out of his mouth softly, as if telling the thoughts of many years, and he follows her.
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The author has something to say:
It's late at night. Thank you to my classmates who have been with me all the way, and thank you to the little angels who have grown up with me~
The original complaints in this chapter have been replaced. Students, please stop cultivating immortality. Early to bed and early to rise will catch worms.
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