Chapter 146 Why Accept My Despicable Kiss
If Zhang Lian had not run away that night when he was 14, if he had not met Li Ziyue, Zhang Lian's life would have come to an end at a glance.
He will unknowingly walk on the path that his mother has arranged for him: when he is alive, he will be suppressed into an emotionless machine, and after his death, his body will become a great specimen, and every inch of flesh and blood and every bone will be chopped into pieces and carefully studied.
Li Ziyue saved him, and Li Ziyue treated him like a relative.
But how did Zhang Lian repay him?
He put all the dark sides of his heart on Li Ziyue, making Li Ziyue a trap created by his love and desire.
Therefore, even though he was old enough to reveal everything to Li Ziyue, Zhang Lian still didn't dare to.
The tree of love and desire bears many fruits: joy, jealousy, expectation, anger, kindness... and cowardice and timidity hidden in the deepest part.
Love makes a fearless person become anxious and worried, and makes a person without emotions become cautious, inferior and clumsy.
Li Ziyue would hate him for this, just as he hated his own bad behavior.
However, every glance, every touch, and every temptation expressed in a joking manner received an almost perfect response from Li Ziyue.
You shouldn't do this.
Zhang Lian thought silently in his heart.
You should stay away from me, you should reject me, you should push me away, you should scold me, beat me and hate me.
But why do you allow me to look at you like this, why do you allow me to stand beside you, why do you allow me to count your curled eyelashes at night.
Why accept my vile kiss.
Why did you touch my wound?
On countless nights, when Li Ziyue fell asleep with his back to him, Zhang Lian would always gently embrace him from behind and look for Li Ziyue's hand in the quilt.
Li Ziyue had no idea that Zhang Lian's fingertips were touching his wrist to estimate the size of the handcuffs.
He also didn't know that Zhang Lian would touch his ring finger later.
Then carefully calculate the ring size.
Zhang Lian bit the tip of Li Ziyue's ear impatiently. He heard Li Ziyue in his arms hum unconsciously, and the desire in his heart was finally relieved a little.
Li Ziyue asked him why he bit him?
This is the real reason.
Zhang Lian leaned on Li Ziyue and waited for him to blow-dry his hair. The rustling sound of the hair dryer covered up his disordered heartbeat and breathing.
Li Ziyue really liked the way he pretended.
So pure, gentle, and ignorant.
Zhang Lian never had a hard time thinking about this issue. Although all his politeness, indifference and innocence were pretended, he never felt that Li Ziyue's love for him was false. In any case, Li Ziyue really loved him.
Is he going to pretend like this forever?
If one day he could no longer conceal his ugliness and exposed it all, how would Li Ziyue view him?
Li Ziyue would denounce his deception, suddenly realize his meanness, and stay away from him without hesitation.
Zhang Lian couldn't accept that Li Ziyue would leave him.
He thought that maybe he could trap Li Ziyue in the house in advance, or hide Li Ziyue forever in a dark basement, or use something to bind Li Ziyue to him...
They even broke Li Ziyue's hands and feet, making him unable to walk.
When this thought just came to his mind, Zhang Lian no longer felt pleasure, but a chill to the bone.
He looked at himself in the mirror. His indifferent expression was very similar to the way he looked when he had just slaughtered the monster in the test box.
At some point, the monsters he had killed sneaked into his body and quietly gnawed at his soul when his will was weak.
Zhang Lian leaned against the wall and coughed. He felt disgusted with his own even greater vileness.
Zhang Lian does have a strong and irrepressible desire for Li Ziyue. These desires are generated by love, but they can never overcome the purest love.
Coercion, oppression, violence...
When he was still in the test box, he knew ten thousand ways to make things weaker than him obey him. More than ten years of training have made these ideas deeply rooted in his mind, but no matter what, he could not forget the fear of those monsters before they died.
Such trembling eyes, such a pathetic situation.
Zhang Lian was looking at the monsters in the test box, and the people outside were looking at Zhang Lian through the surveillance of the test box.
How different his situation was from those monsters.
Did he escape to make these things happen again?
The faucet was turned on, and Zhang Lian gradually bent down, letting the cold water hit his face.
Keep acting.
If this is the case, Li Ziyue can always love him.
Then act for the rest of your life.
When Zhang Lian was thinking this, the high-level fake person gave him a turning point.
Most people are afraid of the high-level fake human copy, but Zhang Lian has been waiting for this day. He can confess all his despicable deeds to Li Ziyue under the identity of a fake human.
He was worried that Li Ziyue would not accept everything, so even when wearing a fake human mask, he still restrained himself.
Did you realize that I am this kind of person?
He whispered in his heart.
You were surprised by what I said, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. I am actually much worse than I appear.
Do you hate me?
Are you afraid of me?
Which one do you like better than the well-behaved Zhang Lian?
He thought of many possibilities, but unexpectedly Li Ziyue gave him a better answer.
Soup was simmering in the kitchen, bubbles gurgling on the surface and a faint fragrance lingering in the air.
"Because I trusted people too easily, I was fooled too many times and suffered a lot of losses."
"Six years ago, because of my naivety and self-confidence, I was the only one in my team who survived. From then on, no matter who I met, I would doubt them first and then trust them."
"But you are different, Zhang Lian." Li Ziyue put his hand on his forehead. "When we met again in the primary pseudo-human copy, although I couldn't remember the past, I subconsciously believed in you. My emotions rarely overcome my rationality. You are a rare exception."
"I was once cheated out of everything in a high-level fake human dungeon. I know that trusting someone in a dungeon is like putting your life in their hands. It just so happens that the person I suspected really wanted to kill me," Li Ziyue smiled, "but in this dungeon I still trust you unconditionally."
"Even when I wasn't sure whether you were a fake or real person, I was never afraid of you."
Li Ziyue's eyes curved into beautiful crescents: "Why is that, Zhang Lian?"
Zhang Lian pursed his lips into a long line.
Li Ziyue's eyes softened. "The night you and I first met, I thought I killed my friend in order to have a chance to live. At that time, I had no other thoughts except death."
"It was you who saved me, Zhang Lian."
Zhang Lian was stunned.
"Your appearance made me feel that I still had a reason to live. You were proof that I still had some kindness in me. If I hadn't met you, I might have died on that winter night."
"But then some misunderstandings arose between us," Li Ziyue just smiled, "You didn't want me to think about the past, and I should have been angry about your sudden departure, but I just accepted everything calmly."
"Why is that? Zhang Lian."
"Lock me up, do whatever you want to me, even if you only talk to me for the rest of my life, just do whatever you like, it doesn't matter. Your feelings for me are not dirty, nor are they unspeakable. You just love me very much, right?"
Zhang Lian had long thought that Li Ziyue's eyes were very beautiful. When he smiled, his eyes were like the moon in the sky. When he was calm, there seemed to be a clear spring there. Even when he was angry, his dark eyes were as bright as the twinkling stars at night.
However, all is not yet perfect.
Zhang Lian will never forget the look Li Ziyue gave him at that moment.
It was an arc-shaped orange-yellow color that had just risen in the mountains in the early morning, shrouded in the thin morning mist. The air was cool, with a hint of chill, while the sunlight was tinged with gentle heat.
Then he heard Li Ziyue say.
"You have never hurt me on your own initiative, so it doesn't matter. Don't blame yourself." Li Ziyue stroked the back of his neck, "I like your love for me, because I love you too, Zhang Lian."
Zhang Lian's thick eyelashes trembled twice.
He said in a hoarse voice: "But I lied to you."
"That's why I feel like I'm completely hopeless," Li Ziyue's mouth curled up slightly, "If someone lied to me, I would be angry, but if that person is you."
"It took me less than ten seconds to accept that you lied to me, and the whole time I was thinking about my own problems."
"Why did you lie to me? Because I didn't give you enough sense of security."
Li Ziyue licked his lips and said, "Because you don't have the confidence to judge whether I will accept what you think is dark, so you have been hiding until now, right?"
"If only I had made you feel more loved during this process." His eyes were bright, "you wouldn't have hidden your pain so much."
He held Zhang Lian's face on both sides and lowered his voice: "I'm sorry."
Zhang Lian felt someone kissing him gently on his forehead and his neck felt hot.
How could the cheated person apologize first?
Zhang Lian stayed there for half a second, then raised his jaw to let Li Ziyue touch his lips.
He hooked his hand behind Li Ziyue's back, and Li Ziyue instantly lost his balance and fell on the sofa under his pressure.
Zhang Lian blinked slowly and stroked a bit of soft hair on Li Ziyue's ear with his fingers.
"elder brother."
He just called him softly.
During the six years when Li Ziyue was not found, too many people did not understand Zhang Lian's persistence.
How strong the feelings must be to be willing to search for a needle in a haystack in dangerous copies again and again; how much love must be required to be willing to be framed even though one knows there is a trap just for the possibility of getting some information about Li Ziyue.
Zhang Lian has always been a man of few words, and only when he talks about Li Ziyue does he reveal his gentle side.
"It would be nice if you had met Li Ziyue," Zhang Lian seemed to be lost in some memories, his expression became particularly gentle, "If you had met him, you wouldn't have asked me these questions again."
…
Zhang Lian held down his hands, pressed his body down, and got very close to him: "You will regret it."
Zhang Lian said in a hoarse voice: "You will regret saying you love me, and you will also regret indulging me."
"I think I should love you more, but do you think this is indulgence?" Li Ziyue laughed, "Zhang Lian, you really..."
Before he could finish his words, Zhang Lian blocked him with a lingering kiss. This was different from the superficial kisses of the past, and also different from the eagerness of the past few days. Zhang Lian slowed down the pace and allowed him to catch his breath in the middle, but he didn't intend to let him go easily.
Li Ziyue felt dizzy from the kiss and didn't even realize that Zhang Lian's hand had already reached into his shirt.
Zhang Lian subconsciously wanted to bite Li Zi's increasingly swollen lower lip. There was still a very shallow mark there, which was left by Zhang Lian a few days ago. However, Zhang Lian stopped the action the moment he got close.
He slowly retracted his fangs and only extended the tip of his tongue to lick the mark a little bit.
Li Ziyue hummed unconsciously.
Zhang Lian was so stimulated by the sound that he almost fell completely on Li Ziyue.
I can't go on any longer. If I continue, I won't be able to stop.
Zhang Lian leaned on Li Ziyue's shoulder and slowly closed his eyes.
At this time, the kitchen was completely quiet, with only a slight scent of food left.
"Li Ziyue," he said in a hoarse voice, and touched Li Ziyue's earlobe, rubbing it lightly or heavily, "Cook for me."
"What?"
Li Ziyue breathed slightly, thinking he had heard it wrong.
"I want to eat it," Zhang Lian nuzzled his neck, "It's the porridge you made for me when I was sick. I haven't eaten it for a long time."
Li Ziyue thought for a while and said, "Get up first. I'll go to the kitchen to check."
"Not now," Zhang Lian seemed to be in a bad mood, "It's too late now."
"There's still time." Li Ziyue patted him.
Zhang Lian suddenly propped up his upper body. He looked deeply at Li Ziyue from top to bottom, but remained silent.
Li Ziyue's eyebrows twitched slightly.
Zhang Lian changed the subject: "You haven't been to my world yet, right?"
Li Ziyue seemed to understand what Zhang Lian wanted to say. He froze for half a second, but still shook his head.
"Let's go together later." Zhang Lian slowed down his tone.
Li Ziyue just looked at him.
"It's been snowing in my world." Zhang Lian let his hand touch the side of his face, "Are you afraid of the cold? I won't let you get cold."
Li Ziyue touched the back of Zhang Lian's neck, where there was a slightly curled section of hair.
"You said you would love me more." Zhang Lian kissed his Adam's apple, "Isn't that right, Li Ziyue?"
"Yes." Li Ziyue's words were choked with sobs.
Zhang Lian kissed the corner of his eye, then he moved his lips down and whispered something in Li Ziyue's ear.
Li Ziyue looked at him blankly.
Zhang Lian just smiled and said, "I told you, I am a very despicable person. Despicable people are naturally good at threatening others."
"Zhang Lian, I..." Before Li Ziyue could finish his words, he was kissed by Zhang Lian again.
Zhang Lian said sullenly: "You can say I'm childish or I'm cheating, I don't want to hear your answer now."
Li Ziyue's hands at his side moved slightly.
He first lowered his eyelashes, and Zhang Lian saw that his butterfly-like eyelashes were trembling slightly, and then his eyes were moist and shiny.
Li Ziyue would say many things against his will, but his eyes would never lie.
Don't listen to what Li Ziyue says, look into his eyes, observe his actions, and listen to his heartbeat.
Li Ziyue's answer to Zhang Lian was hesitant.
Zhang Lian gradually felt an unspeakable bitterness in his heart.
He suddenly chuckled: "Just kidding."
Zhang Lian kissed Li Ziyue's forehead: "Don't take my words to heart, just eat."
He stood up and was about to leave, but Li Ziyue behind him grabbed the tail of his clothes.
However, when Zhang Lian's eyes met Li Ziyue again, Li Ziyue let go.
Li Ziyue just said "hmm" in a very flat tone, as if he couldn't understand the meaning of Zhang Lian's words.
"Let's eat." He said softly.
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