Chapter 3
"Only after talking about it can you say the feelings haven't faded."
I was a little nervous, though unintentionally. But he probably wouldn't believe it; he said I hadn't changed over the years, but I really felt that was a long time ago. I thought I would never have any contact with Li Yuzhong again, and that was my thought at the time.
That's why she would secretly kiss him during her lunch break.
He couldn't possibly know that the classroom was empty and the view was obscured by textbooks. He'll never know, I calmly thought. If he did know, he would definitely distance himself from me. But then I thought again, perhaps he hasn't distanced himself because he doesn't want to lose me as a friend.
He is a sentimental person.
My mind raced with all sorts of thoughts. Li Yuzhong's face was so close, not quite inches, but still within reach. I wondered what it would feel like to kiss him now; he'd probably think I was crazy. Forget it, why did he have to ask me to play his wife?
I still don't understand.
He called my name, and I didn't understand. So much time had passed; was he still holding a grudge over such a small thing? I asked, "What's wrong?" He asked if I still wanted the Walkman. Ah, he was trying to cover his tracks again. I really wanted to say, "I still want it."
I said, "Who wants this thing?"
He calmly said, "Then I'll keep it here for now."
"Alright."
What happened next didn't happen as everyone expected, with no unspeakable events. Those "contractual marriages," "intense love between lovers," or "the passionate nights in Beijing and Hong Kong" stories—after reading too many novels, people think that if a woman is interested in a man, and a man is interested in a woman, they can just sleep together.
He sleeps on the sofa.
I sleep in the bed.
Nothing happened that night.
-
I continued acting, and after several trips back and forth, I had earned enough goodwill from the Li family. The wedding was arranged one afternoon. As we left the restaurant, the sun was shining brightly; it was almost Chinese New Year, and the festive atmosphere was palpable. With everything set up, it was indeed the right time.
Lai Yu-chung and I were actors.
I played his wife.
The thought of having fooled everyone makes me laugh. I have no one to tell. When my classmates found out about our engagement, some were surprised and some were happy. If I said it was "fake," they would all be shocked, just thinking about those familiar, terrified faces.
I find it quite interesting.
Life is like a play.
Six years ago, I never imagined I'd get married because of a film role—or more accurately, a role that paid between six and eight figures. When I was criticized online after participating in a variety show, I even considered leaving the entertainment industry; I felt I wasn't suited for it.
I just love acting.
But they weren't prepared to be judged.
There was a saying in the fan community before, "Cover your ears and charge forward." It sounds so easy, but all performance-based behavior requires feedback, and no one is indifferent to it. Actors are like vases; it's not that they lack talent, but they have to be there to be praised or criticized.
My former agent was trying to talk to me. I fidgeted with my fingers and listened quietly. I'd been aimless since she left, and now I'm gone too, unsure of what the future holds. She asked what I'd been busy with lately, and I told her I'd been busy being someone's wife. Her eyes widened.
"What did you say?! How could you get married?!"
"I haven't yet," I said. Then I casually handed over my wedding invitation, saying in a tone that was strangely calm, "You absolutely have to come!"
My former agent called me crazy, saying that such a small incident caused me such severe psychological damage. Do you think I'm the only one being criticized? There's always new juicy gossip on the internet. If you play dead, people will ignore you. Once the storm passes, you can buy some more traffic and continue making money.
"But I'm also feeling a bit tired," I admitted. "Playing roles that don't make a splash, and then being pushed into variety shows as a product that's bundled into sales. I terminated my contract because I didn't want my career to end up like this. What do I need dignity for?"
My word order was a bit messy, but she understood. If I wanted a respectable job, I'd either just coast along, either become completely useless and be discarded by the company, or remain somewhat useful to promote the next generation of employees. For a female celebrity, the greatest respectability is simply not making mistakes.
"Have you found someone else yet?"
I calmly said, "I'm raising money."
"What are you raising money for? How much money do you want?"
"Waiting for a notebook I like, then I'll get sponsorship."
"Everyone's vying to film good scripts, and investors' scrambling to pour money into them. What do you think you'll gain? Besides, if you really intend to make a name for yourself, why do you need to get married? You're twenty-seven this year, still a few years away from thirty. You're going to waste your time on marriage."
I know perfectly well: "It's all for the money."
"...So you're still going down the path you despise the most?"
"No!" I explained the whole story. "In short, he needs a wife who can handle things at home, and I happen to be that."
"He probably still has feelings for you..."
"You're overthinking it. It's purely a matter of good friendship," I thought, and for a reason. "If he really wanted something to happen between us, it would have happened ages ago. Why would he wait until now? What other reason do you think a man would not take the initiative for?"
"Joke, it's because you still have feelings for her."
I remained silent for a moment.
"Only if you've talked about it can you say that the feelings haven't ended."
The former manager laughed: "That's true. Alright, I'm relieved to see you still have plans. You're better than the artists I manage now."
She came in a whirlwind and left in a whirlwind. Her former manager was a bit rough around the edges, but she was incredibly considerate of her artists. I thought to myself that the artist she's managing now is lucky, but staying under her former manager's wing might not guarantee a bright future.
People who follow the rules too strictly are less likely to get things done.
I haven't seen many good people manage to do very well.
Oh.
As I was sighing, the person I had just been talking about called. Li Yuzhong asked if I was free. I'm so free, I'm available anytime, anywhere. He wanted to discuss the engagement party with me, no problem. I immediately got up and asked where he was.
"Look outside."
No way.
I calmed myself down.
I turned around, and there he was, behind a pane of glass so clear it seemed empty. Soft hair, a warm ginger-colored trench coat, his eyes reflecting the entire café. He looked even more innocent than the milk foam on my lips. I stared at him, unconsciously licking my lips.
I'm a little nervous.
Our occasional meetings, even if they're just a facade, are fleeting and superficial. He's not enough to stir my heart now, and that feeling has long since faded. I feel my heart clenching with a lingering, lingering pain, probably because of the dream I had a few days ago.
He's inside.
Two meanings. I don't understand why I had that dream. Could it be that my hormones are really out of whack lately? I can't possibly get butterflies in my stomach just because of "I love you." I'm not exactly an innocent person; at most, it's like I'm indulging in a fantasy about my younger self who couldn't have it. I think it's because of this: because I didn't end up with Li Yuzhong from high school, because the person I dreamed about was him from back then.
I can clearly understand my own heart.
I'm certain that even if Li Yuzhong stood naked in front of me right now, I still wouldn't feel anything for him. Because my feelings are purely from the stirrings of my youth, that secretive, slightly provocative yet restrained passion that I no longer have.
Nobody is worth that much from me.
Nevertheless, when I woke up and lay sprawled on the bed, I felt a strange, ecstatic restlessness. Li Yuzhong asked me to play the wife, and why did I agree? Besides the money, well, even if he didn't pay me, I would still be happy to give it a try. He has no idea.
Li Yuzhong is boring.
Playing someone else's wife is boring.
She plays the wife of the man she loved but couldn't have in her youth.
That's very interesting.
Especially when I heard from his family that he hadn't dated anyone else all these years. He seemed to be someone who had truly remained in the past, staring straight at you with those clear yet dull eyes. If he was angry, he would earnestly call your name.
"Li Yuzhong".
So, this time it's my turn to call him first.
What are you doing here?
He walked up to me and said, "The company is nearby. I ordered afternoon tea and just stopped by to pick it up." Behind him were several of his colleagues, presumably his subordinates, who looked at me with curiosity but politeness. Li Yuzhong introduced me as his fiancée, and the way he said those three words felt both strange and absurd. If I had suddenly heard he had a fiancée, I probably would have felt the same way.
"Wait, are you Li Xintong?"
It seems not everyone doesn't recognize me. I thought to myself, after almost ten years in the industry, I've managed to leave behind something, but it's probably not a good reputation. His other colleagues asked, "Who is that? An actor, who recently participated in a variety show called 'A Good Day to Eat'."
"Oh, her..."
I held my head high, trying to ignore the dialogue delivered right in front of me. It wasn't bright enough, nor did it enhance my image. The company hoped I could become familiar to the public through variety show appearances, like some lucky artists, but I was bound to face harsh editing; after all, wherever there are people, there's a power struggle.
Li Yuzhong asked me if I had eaten.
I found it funny; why do they keep asking me this? It's not mealtime. But I really hadn't eaten, so I said, "Let's talk about important matters first." He then asked if it would be convenient for me to come to his company, because this wasn't a quiet place to discuss business. I didn't have any issues with that.
Go to his office.
Along the way, we walked behind the rest of our colleagues. When we arrived at his company, I went to the front desk to register my information and received a key card that allowed me free access. Actually, it wasn't necessary. Why would I need to go to his company? I'm not some CEO's wife who needs to offer him comforting words and concern. In the elevator, he asked me if it bothered me when his colleagues were talking about me.
"A little," I said honestly.
I'm quite concerned about my image.
I'm not the kind of person who's extremely strong.
He said, "It won't happen again."
He lowered his head, holding a coffee bag in one hand and typing on his phone in the other. I guessed he was dealing with this matter, but I didn't expect it to happen so quickly. When I arrived at his office floor, the employees were already at his office door, apologizing to me with obvious remorse.
I thought to myself, there's no need for that.
He made me feel like I was a petty person because of his behavior. When the last employee closed his office door, I couldn't take it anymore and said to him, "Besides, what's the big deal about being talked about a bit? Do you expect people to stop talking just because you want them to shut up?"
“What will happen?” he said. “I’ll be in a bad mood.”
I wanted to laugh. He wasn't this kind of "heroic" person before, and now that he's doing this, it makes me feel really silly. Even though those who talk about me make me uncomfortable, I'm even more uncomfortable with his air of competence. You know, he used to be so afraid of socializing.
He could almost be described as "cowardly".
Has he been able to decisively say "no" to others now? Li Yuzhong, him. I feel relieved for him, yet also a little bitter. This is so different from the person I remember. He has a voice in the crowd now; before, I was the one who saved him.
This is my loss of rights, I suppose.
I said, "My bad mood isn't because of what others are saying, but because what they're saying is all true. Otherwise, why would I be so upset?"
"Then tell them not to say anything."
I laughed: "When did you become this kind of person?"
He followed my smile and handed me the cup of coffee he'd been carrying since we met, placing it across the ebony wooden table towards me. As my gaze fell on the "sugar-free, zero-fat milk" label, his gaze also fell on my face; I sensed it.
She looked up and met his gaze.
"What kind of person should I be?" he asked.
I felt an electric current running through my face.
My dream lover, saying that would scare him, like when he suddenly asked me if I could play his spouse. I couldn't possibly say that; all these years I've acted so convincingly just to… Anyway, I couldn't let him find out, I said, a generous good man.
That's not what I said before.
Rain streamed down my forehead, cold and biting. At an age when I was too young to distinguish right from wrong, I was so proud, basking in the superficial attention I received. When he suddenly offered me a helping hand, I felt only insult and angrily slapped away the umbrella he offered.
I said, "Why are you pretending to be a good person?"
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