Chapter 12
◎“He cried all night.”◎
After saying that, I felt a chill run down my spine. I didn't know what Li Yuzhong would think. He couldn't possibly agree; he'd definitely think it was a joke. Even so, if he nodded, would I really kiss him? What if I couldn't resist stripping him naked? I craved him so much.
He said, "...That's also possible."
Anything is fine, anything is acceptable, is that right? I stared at him in astonishment, suddenly realizing that since our reunion, although he was the one who proposed playing the role of spouse, apart from that, I had been in control of everything, and all he could do was cooperate.
If I sleep with him,
Does he not care?
If he really was that kind of person, I actually felt a little... a little uncomfortable. I approached him, stood in front of him, and saw his delicate face, a blush spreading silently like a pink mist. His ears gradually turned red under my gaze, and his Adam's apple bobbed.
"Shall we try it now?"
He gave a soft "hmm".
I asked again, "Is this your first time?"
He lowered his gaze. "It's alright."
"Lower your head," I said.
He was like an overly obedient student, lowering his head and bringing his face close to mine. The first scent I smelled was his refreshing shampoo, a blend of mint and jasmine. The fragrance was less of an enticement and more of a spell, the lingering scent transforming into an unyielding obsession that lingered in the midnight hours of my dreams.
Like a dream,
Can I say that?
Perhaps it was a dream, I thought to myself, would the real Li Yuzhong really obediently lower his head to me and let me kiss him? Would he really not push me away? He is such a timid person, and the most intimate time we've ever been together is nothing compared to what I'm about to do.
I looked up.
They kissed.
The first time wasn't while he was asleep. Li Yuzhong's light brown eyes were covered by his long eyelashes, a hazy shadow, like large dark clouds, soft and moist, and if you looked closely, you could see shy and frightened lightning flashing within them.
My lips touched his, brushing against his a few times, and his face was already flushed crimson. "This won't do," I frowned, "you seem too distant, like we're not familiar. This won't fool anyone." I told him he needed more time to adjust; if he couldn't even handle this small act of intimacy, how could he maintain the facade? I felt my attempt at deception was incredibly clumsy and entirely driven by selfishness; I had taken full advantage of him.
He whispered that he would do his best in his performance.
"Then be serious, Li Yuzhong. Stop acting like you need to be urged to work hard. Come on, give it a try and let me see your sincerity."
I guided him, taking his hand and placing it behind my neck. I could clearly feel his fingertips trembling, slightly cool. "Li Yuzhong, oh Li Yuzhong," I teased him, "what are you going to do? You're so terrified of kissing someone of the opposite sex. How are you going to find a partner in the future?"
Who can you be friends with?
Except for me.
There is no one else but me.
There can't be anyone else.
His hand tightened slightly, forcing me closer to him. Even without him doing that, I would have been willing. But I couldn't say that I was willing to kiss him a hundred times, that I was willing to roll into bed with him, even though his bedroom was only a few steps from the living room. I couldn't say, never could say, that under the guise of being his wife, I was able to wear a hard mask, beneath which lay my fragile heart.
He kissed me, making my skin tense and my limbs weak. His kiss was so inexperienced, yet I couldn't compare it to anyone else's. He held a special significance; he was the light of my youth, warming me back then. He possessed something no one else could match. My love had enchanted him, and even though he seemed so dull, serious, and unromantic to others, he still had the power to move my heart.
He kissed me for a moment, two or three times, I can't describe how brief it was. Before I could even process it, his lips were gone, leaving only a faint breath. Ah, I just wanted to carry him to the bed, rip off his suit, and give him a good thrashing!
well.
no.
My reason tells me—no. If I do this, Li Yuzhong might be scared away. Tomorrow is the wedding; if the groom runs away, I'll lose even more face. Besides, I really don't want to force myself on him. If I do, all my years of playing the role will be for nothing. What if Li Yuzhong only asked me to play his wife because we're just friends and there are no other romantic feelings involved? If he finds out I have a crush on him, he might say, "Wow, Li Juntong, how could you be like this!"
Just kidding.
He wouldn't say that.
He would just silently distance himself from me.
Thinking of this, I couldn't help but feel a tremor in my heart, and all the impulses I had just felt receded like the tide. I calmed down and carefully examined him again, trying to discern any emotional fluctuations. Li Yuzhong's handsome face was indeed flushed, and his eyes were misty, but I couldn't be sure if it was because he was close to someone, or if that person was me. I had forced him.
Is that so?
What kind of woman am I then?
“Okay,” I said, “that’s about right.”
I lowered my eyes, trying hard not to look at him; if I didn't look, I wouldn't think about him. At least I had him; the person currently occupying his home was me, not someone else. The ambiguous atmosphere abruptly ended. I guessed that Li Yuzhong was probably still not recovered; virgins are all like that, easily thrown off balance by a little intimacy. His gaze was still lingering on my lips. "Don't do this, or I'll kiss him to death."
Fortunately, he averted his gaze in time.
It was very cold, late at night, and raining outside, and it wasn't going to stop anytime soon. The late spring chill seeped into my bones, lingering on and off. Li Yuzhong asked when he would take me home, and I said forget it, we could go to the wedding together tomorrow. So I slept at his house, in the guest room. Suddenly, I realized I hadn't asked him if we would be sleeping in separate rooms at his new place. If we weren't, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to control myself.
The kind of person I am, sigh, even if Li Yuzhong is just lying in my bed, I'd still steal a kiss from him. Don't expect me to have any self-control. If we live together, we'll see each other all the time. What if he does something like last time at my house, wearing my apron and pretending to be a married man to seduce me? The scariest thing about Li Yuzhong is that he doesn't know how much I like him. He innocently seduces me.
This is really bad.
There are many deadly things.
The next morning, he and I went to the wedding venue together, and the emcee helped us familiarize ourselves with the process. When I saw that the rings we exchanged were diamond rings of about ten carats, I was truly dazzled. However, Li's mother said that it was alright, not as expensive as the ring at the last engagement party, which was a family heirloom.
I asked why she needed such expensive jewelry for an engagement, and she laughed, saying that it was a rare opportunity to have a daughter-in-law, and she needed to secure her with the best jewelry first. She added that with Li Yuzhong's clumsy tongue, money was no match for her. I thought to myself, I'm not with your son for money, at least not for the Li family's wealth. I don't want the media to portray me as marrying into a wealthy family. My only selfish motive is to be with your son.
The wedding was held in a very low-key yet luxurious and grand manner, which was enough to show the sincerity of the Li family. I have no doubt about this. Grandma Li is such a good person. If there is anything I feel guilty about, besides being a fake wife that Li Yuzhong bought with his money, it is that I have not become an outstanding person. Grandma helped me when I was in my most difficult time, but I have not achieved anything in my own field.
I hope others will invest in me; I am a person with potential. Rather than treating Grandma Li as family, I would rather regard her as a teacher. Last year, I originally planned to win an award and visit her in a grand manner to tell her that I had finally made it through all these years.
But I was not selected.
Sigh, my useless pride makes me stubborn in front of those who admire me. If Grandma Li hadn't cared for me so consistently for ten years, always showing concern and telling me not to be too boastful, I really wouldn't have been so eager to prove myself. Failing to do so felt like holding a grudge, an incredibly uncomfortable feeling, like returning from a defeated battle, slinking away. I'm not a defeated general; I can't come back as a deserter.
I feel the same way about Lai Yuchong. I used to imagine myself achieving great success, needing to humbly defer to Lai Yuchong, instead of needing his invisible "assistance" now. It's not much different from many years ago. It's not that I haven't made any progress, just too slowly. I never understood where the problem lay before. After these six months of ups and downs, most of my endorsements have ended, my commercial value has shrunk significantly, and my falling out with my former company was a desperate gamble. My team is still being supported by my meager resources, really.
I'm fighting a desperate battle.
At this critical moment, if it weren't for my long-awaited reunion with Li Yuzhong, I might not have been able to recover. He placed the full, sparkling diamond ring on my hand, then leaned down and kissed it. I acted very moved, covering my face with one hand, tears welling up in my eyes, but my heart was actually calm.
The grander the scene, the more flowers and applause it received, the more it resonated with my unrequited love from years ago, and the more uncomfortable I felt. I didn't understand; they couldn't tell it was acting. Yes, it was too realistic, which made my own emotions, outside the script, seem absurd and lonely.
Amid cheers of "Kiss me! Kiss me!", Li Yuzhong put his arm around my shoulder, just like he did in rehearsals the night before. Although his arm was still stiff and his expression revealed a hint of trepidation, thankfully his hand was no longer trembling. He leaned down and kissed me.
I closed my eyes, enveloped in a dazzling happiness on the outside, but hard as glass on the inside, like the diamond ring in my hand—all show and no substance. It came from someone else, not something I fought for and possessed myself. I didn't care. I was thinking that when we divorced, I'd give Li Yuzhong an even bigger one. I wanted to make money and slap him in the face. He wouldn't understand what I was secretly competing with; I wanted to be better than him.
Catch up with him, look down on him, trample him.
That was what I longed for during my teenage years.
Our lips, brimming with blessings, parted. Li Yuzhong's hand still cupped my cheek, and I felt the bone of his thumb gently brush against my chin, like scratching a kitten's chin. He probably meant no harm, but it made me want to tilt my head back and kiss him again.
The wedding went smoothly.
Around 8 PM, there was another night out. My old classmates had booked a private room, so Li Yuzhong and I changed out of our wedding attire and drove there. They probably anticipated that we would both be drinking, as there was a driver in the car. Li Yuzhong even told me that if I couldn't drink, I should just give the rest to him and not try to be a hero.
I smiled and said, "It's not that bad. My old classmates are so enthusiastic. It would be a shame not to have a drink. It's been so many years since we last got together."
“Hmm,” Li Yuzhong said, “Mainly because you had a good relationship with the classmates back then, I thought you would come to the annual class reunion.”
I paused, thinking, "No way." I don't trust friendships built on lies, and I could never value them. After high school, I stopped contacting any of my classmates, occasionally only inquiring about Li Yuzhong. And my loss of contact with Li Yuzhong was for something else entirely.
I said, "I am indeed quite busy."
“I can see that,” he nodded.
I suddenly remembered: "You say I'm busy, but I at least went to one class reunion, back when we graduated. What about you? You've never been to a class reunion, have you?"
He was silent for a moment, then said softly, "It doesn't matter."
unimportant,
For him.
Are these people unimportant, or am I not that important? I also remembered that he thought I would go to the class reunion every year. Is that why he doesn't come every year? I haven't done anything heinous. This is what I don't understand, really.
Why did he distance himself from me?
Talking about this now would seem a bit sentimental and ridiculous. Recalling the past, those unspoken rivalries, is difficult to articulate. He ignored me, and I ignored him too, glued to my phone, scrolling through chat windows, silently competing. What I care about is that I always take the initiative; I control all our interactions. Is it possible that if I stop taking that first step, he'll just stand there, frozen in place?
I really wanted to go across, but my pride was like a rushing river; stepping in would soak my shoes and feet. Gazing at it, I always wanted to assess the scenery on the other side. What I feared most was going across only to find the other side didn't welcome me, and I'd have to turn back with my socks all wet.
That would be so embarrassing.
-
I took Li Yuzhong's arm and we walked into the private room. The other students were already singing inside. Li Yuzhong and I were separated and placed on opposite sides of the sofa, where we socialized. Everyone was clamoring for Li Yuzhong to sing, but I said I'd do it instead. Li Yuzhong really isn't good at showing off in front of others.
I sang two songs and then let others sing. Several acquaintances from my old clique surrounded me, wanting me to tell them how Li Yuzhong and I got back together; they called it a reconciliation. The two people sitting behind me were quite assertive. One said she could tell from the beginning that Li Yuzhong had feelings for me, while the other said, "Come on, you said back then that these two would never get together even if struck by lightning."
Everyone burst into laughter.
I smiled faintly, but my smile had another reason. See? This is the benefit of maintaining a high profile. No one knows my secret crush on Li Yuzhong, no one knows when that ill-fated relationship began and ended. I bear it all alone, without even letting the person involved know. This is undoubtedly a clever way of acting. If there is any drawback, it's probably that sometimes you even deceive yourself.
Saying things you don't mean.
Do things you don't mean.
People call that "stubbornness".
Just like at a class reunion during graduation season, someone asked me about Li Yuzhong, and the question was quite direct: "Do you have feelings for Li Yuzhong?" Li Yuzhong wasn't there at the time, and it was fortunate that the person involved wasn't there, otherwise I really couldn't have told that lie.
"How could that be?" I chuckled. "That kind of person is so boring, he's just looking for some fun. It's really fun to tease him."
lie,
That's a lie.
That's not what I thought at all.
I didn't mean it that way, but I said it anyway. It's strange how people always think lying comes without consequence. Yes, it slips out without thinking, like standing in front of a mirror, trying to cover up your flaws, without any reason. But over time, your eyes start to deceive you. The more lies you tell, the less precious truth becomes.
I'm not a habitual liar, but I always thought that with someone I truly liked, I'd try not to tell a single lie then. It's too late. If this is the price of lying, and Li Yuzhong doesn't have feelings for me, fine, I accept it. I should have been honest.
When he looked at me, furrowing his delicate brows, and said, "Stop teasing him," I should have stopped, instead of ignoring his wishes and doing something even more outrageous. How could he like someone who always bullies and suppresses him? He's not a masochist.
I kept joking and drinking to numb myself. In this situation, I would often think of the past with Li Yuzhong, especially when prompted by others. I would want to smash my glass and leave. I felt uncomfortable. There was a side of me that I now despise.
real.
But I still wore a smile on my face, a fake smile, a smile of envy or congratulation. I suddenly remembered what Li Yuzhong had told me before, that he didn't like it, and he at least had the courage to say that to someone. I didn't; I was a coward even more cowardly than Li Yuzhong.
ah.
I'm so angry.
Honestly.
My heart was burning with jealousy. My gaze never fell on Li Yuzhong. I knew he had noticed what was happening on our side, and his eyes were undoubtedly fixed on me with a calm, still gaze. This made me feel even more like a show-off, because although I never looked at him directly, I observed him closely from the corner of my eye. I breathed a sigh of relief when he got up to go to the bathroom.
Someone suddenly walked over; it was a boy, someone I'd gotten along with pretty well in high school. I vaguely remembered him and Li Yuzhong having some interaction—oh, he was Li Yuzhong's badminton partner. He came over to offer a toast, grinning, and said, "I never thought Li Yuzhong's crush would actually come true!"
I thought to myself that he had also been deceived by the lie I had created. Just as I was about to make a joke, he leaned closer and whispered, "You know how much of a closet pervert Li Yuzhong is. At the party after graduation, he overheard you saying you didn't like him, and he was heartbroken."
The smile on my face froze.
"What?" I heard my own voice.
It was dry, sharp, and voiceless, like a sound that didn't belong to my throat. The boy was also stunned for a moment, then laughed and patted his head: "Alright, it's my fault for talking too much. So many years have passed, why bring up things that would affect your relationship?"
No.
I asked, "Did he...he hear that?"
"Yeah, right." The boy had a really funny expression on his face. "You wouldn't believe it, he really was. He was such a good hider. Before that, I never even thought he liked you. You know, he's the kind of person who can't keep a straight face, it would be strange if anyone could figure out what he was thinking. But that day, when he heard you outside the door saying that you didn't like him and were just playing with him, he really, wow, turned around and left!"
"Really?" I asked.
The fingertips dug into the flesh.
"How could it be fake? You have no idea what I saw when I chased after him. Guess what? You can't guess! He was crying! He's the kind of person who wouldn't even cry if he fell to the ground. He just sat on the steps by the door and cried. I called him, but he acted like he couldn't hear me. He just kept walking and crying. I thought he was going to faint from crying. I couldn't rest easy, so I stayed with him all night."
"he--"
"Yes, he cried all night."
Knock knock.
Knock knock.
Thump.
I couldn't hear anything; my heart was overloaded and stopped. I looked down to see if it had jumped out of my chest. I couldn't hear anything, or rather, all the noise was too loud, and the sound I was waiting for was too clear.
"Squeak."
It was Li Yuzhong who pushed open the door.
He stood in the doorway, the light from outside spilling over his shoulders and half his face. The pure white light danced and lingered between his eyes and brows; he was a playground of light. When he pushed the door open and came in, my world finally fell silent. The whole world, to me, was nothing more than the volume of his voice. He noticed I looked terrible, came over, and gently touched my forehead.
"Are you feeling unwell anywhere?" he asked.
A long silence followed.
The boy sensed something was off between us and made a "shh" gesture, telling me not to tell anyone. I snapped out of it, smiled, and put on the best acting I'd ever done – ah, finally a chance to shine! I said I wasn't feeling unwell.
"Hmm. Shall we drink a little longer and then head back?"
"Okay." I gripped the wine glass tightly.
In the second half, I couldn't taste anything, or rather, I felt like I hadn't drunk anything at all. Finally, by the time the party ended, I was so drunk I could barely walk. I tried to numb myself; I had been through so much, but I still lacked the courage to face the truth.
The driver took us back to our bridal chamber.
When I got off the bus, it was Li Yuzhong who helped me. He was unusually angry; I could see it in his furrowed brows, which deeply suppressed his concerned eyes. His support was steady; even though I leaned against him, he didn't fall. When did he become so strong? I wondered. Where was he? The frail, weak man I used to know? The Li Yuzhong who couldn't even outrun me, who was always coughing and panting?
Where did they go?
He helped me to my new home. He put me on the sofa and went to pour me a glass of hot water, but I shook my head, and shook my head again. I stared at him, my vision blurring and clearing several times, like the rhythm of my heartbeat. He held my shoulders, asking patiently, "What's wrong?"
I said, "Li Yuzhong, I have a question for you."
"you say."
Do you like me?
His hand on my shoulder tightened for a moment, and I immediately grabbed his hand back, my gaze sharp and my words biting: "You liked me, back in high school, didn't you? You've liked me all these years, you've never forgotten me, am I right? You asked me to play your wife because you like me, you beat up Chi Jiansheng because you like me, right? Am I right or wrong?!"
He fell into a deathly silence.
"Say it!!" My teeth were chattering.
He didn't break free from my grasp, staring at me, trying to discern the distrust, suspicion, and... vulnerability in his eyes, thicker than the night, more piercing than the evening breeze. I pleaded with him, "Just say something, give me a straight answer!"
He just killed me!
“Li Juntong, you’re drunk,” he said.
I lifted my face, trying to control my emotions and hold back my tears. "Okay," I said, nodding and standing up. He immediately stopped me, asking where I was going. I said I wanted to go home. He frowned and said he'd have the driver take me, but I pushed him away forcefully!
“Li Yuzhong!” I said, tears welling in my eyes. “You said I misunderstood everything. You asked me to play your wife, all that fake marriage, all that playing along, it was all just a misunderstanding on my part! You said you have absolutely no feelings for me, that you haven’t thought of me at all all these years? Either you tell me, or I’m walking out of here right now! If you have no feelings for me, don’t stop me, but if you love me…”
If you love me.
Place your hand on the cold doorknob.
I gritted my teeth and said softly.
"Then hold me tight and try to keep me here."
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