Chapter 13
◎The one I truly love. ◎
Many things happened during my senior year of high school.
After I secretly kissed Li Yuzhong.
Even many years later, there is one thing that can still be called a beautiful memory. Even if I have forgotten everything else, there is one thing that I cannot forget even if I want to—there is indeed something more intimate than a kiss, and Li Yuzhong and I once shared a pillow.
In the guest room where I stayed.
It was on the eve of the college entrance examination, at the turn of spring and summer. I hadn't yet recovered from the shock of liking Li Yuzhong when I was overwhelmed by my busy studies. The atmosphere in the classroom, in the corridors, and even at Li's house became tense and oppressive. Everyone was talking about reviewing the material three times a day, nothing else. Under such high pressure, it seemed as if even the sky was gloomy, so those few nights were always filled with thunder and lightning and continuous rain.
When did I discover that Li Yuzhong was afraid of thunder?
I was probably woken up by thunder for two days in a row, and when I got up in the morning, I saw that Li Yuzhong was pale. I just assumed that he was under too much academic pressure and wasn't getting enough rest. It was probably the third or fourth day, I've forgotten, when he sent me a message around one or two in the morning.
Are you asleep?
“No,” I asked, “what is it?”
"I think I left my chemistry error notebook in the living room on the first floor. Could you please bring it to my room for me?"
Why don't you take it yourself?
The other party is typing.
I said again, "Besides, what are you doing doing homework in the middle of the night? No wonder you looked so pale this morning, you were secretly studying in the middle of the night."
“No!” he said.
I pressed my advantage: "And another thing, there's clearly only a wall between us, why are you typing? Can't you speak properly? Just say it to each other face to face."
A moment later,
He knocked on my door.
I got out of bed and opened the door. It was dark outside, and he stood there all alone in my doorway. I was too lazy to turn on the light, and we stared at each other in the darkness. He was wearing a thin, light blue nightgown, his collarbone exposed, and his snow-white neck looked as if it would break at any moment.
I squinted, feigning a fierce look: "What's wrong?"
He whispered, "I can't sleep..."
Why can't you sleep? Hmm?
"I--"
Before he could finish speaking, lightning flashed and thunder roared.
A stark white light pierced through the window, sweeping across my and Li Yuzhong's faces like a sharp sword. He let out a very short, soft "ah," then reached out and grabbed my arm. I felt that faint strength and looked down in surprise; his hand rested on my arm.
"Hmm?" I asked, "What's wrong?"
He still gripped my arm, refusing to let go, but his tone was unusually reproachful, "Why didn't you close the window when it was thundering...?"
Without hesitation, I replied, "I'm not afraid."
I quickly realized what was going on and a smile appeared on my face: "Aha, you're afraid of thunder, aren't you? No wonder you haven't been sleeping well these past few days!"
"I..." Knowing he had no way to refute it, he lowered his face and said "yes" in a very soft voice, then asked me, "Aren't you afraid?"
“No,” I shook my head, “I think thunder is quite interesting, like that feeling of suddenly waking up from a dream, it’s very exciting.”
"...What's so interesting about it?"
He said this by gently pouting his lips, showing his disagreement with me. I remembered kissing him by the window earlier; if he had pouted his lips then, would they have been softer and easier to kiss? Thinking of this, I felt no impatience with him at all. Although he was timid and frail, I liked him after all, and I had no reason not to protect him. I said, "If you're scared, I'll stay with you."
"Is it alright?" he asked, lifting his eyelashes. His eyelashes were so long, I'd exclaimed countless times, but this was the first time I actually considered measuring them with my fingers. Li Yuzhong, don't act like a little doll, showing up at my bedside without permission.
If that were the case, I would say:
Come to my bed.
He was stunned.
Without giving him much time to react, I said confidently, "Aren't you scared? When two people are together, you won't be scared, right?"
He pursed his lips, looking at me nervously, a fleeting glint of emotion in his light brown eyes, unexpectedly complex. Finally, he cautiously moved to the edge of the bed and asked if this was inappropriate. Knowing it wasn't appropriate, you still knocked on my door in the middle of the night, shamelessly grabbing my hand, and now you've hesitantly moved to my bedside. I said, it's too late if it's not appropriate!
"Come up, or go back to your room."
“I’m up here,” he said, his tone somewhat aggrieved.
What's going on? I thought to myself, really, stop looking so reluctant, I'm doing a good deed. Of course, he didn't know my ulterior motives. He slowly lay down next to me, then slowly pulled the blanket up over his face, and turned to look at me:
Could you please close the curtains?
So I drew the curtains.
Visibility dimmed.
I closed my eyes, gently twitching my nostrils, inhaling that familiar shampoo scent, which now held a different meaning for me. I loved the feeling it gave me. I could never suppress my desires for the things I liked. If I wanted a certain brand, even a knock-off, even if it took weeks or months to save up, I'd find a way to get it; if I wanted butter cookies, I'd eat them all day long, and then for two or three days straight, I'd eat only liquids to lose weight. With all that determination, Li Yuzhong, how could I possibly let you get away with it?
You make me uneasy.
You make me feel uneasy.
I will return everything to you.
I could feel his labored breathing; he tried to turn over but was always restrained. When the thunder shattered the windowpane, he would catch his breath and quietly ask me, "Did you hear that? The thunder was really loud." "Yes," I replied impatiently, "Does thunder mean you can't sleep?"
He muttered again, "I can't sleep..."
"How can I fall asleep?" I asked.
He said he didn't know.
"You don't know, do you?" I suddenly snuggled into the blankets warm from his body, suppressing my wildly beating heart, and hugged him with feigned nonchalance. I pressed Li Yuzhong's face against my shoulder, suppressing a light laugh inside, and asked nonchalantly, "Are you still scared?"
"Ah..." In the darkness, his large, bright amber eyes resembled those of a fawn in the jungle. It was rare for him to suppress his pride and not speak, but the only thing I was certain of was that Li Yuzhong wouldn't push me away; he wouldn't dare.
He won't.
He said in a low voice:
"That's not a good idea..."
"What's wrong with that?" I said in a very harsh and extremely mean tone. "Why are you making such a fuss? Huh? Don't you know what's wrong with your body? If you get scared and something bad happens to you, I'll be in big trouble as the last person you messaged for help! Besides, what's going on in your head? I even held you when you had an attack, did I say anything?"
He stopped talking.
I still remember, yes, even after so long, I still remember. On a stormy night, raindrops pattered against the window like fate knocking on the door. Li Yuzhong and I huddled under the soft quilt, his cheek resting against my shoulder, warm and cozy. His shoulders and chest were hard and thin, like I was hugging a skeleton, but I didn't mind at all. Actually, before I liked Li Yuzhong, I always liked athletic, sunny guys—broad shoulders, narrow waists, and well-defined muscles. But in front of someone you like, all principles can be ignored. The thinner he was, the more I wanted to protect him, the more beautiful that feeling arose within me.
A clap of thunder struck in the middle of the night.
I was already half asleep when I felt my body being held tighter and tighter. The force went from tentative at first to certain, and finally, it felt like it was going to suffocate me. I opened my eyes, panting. It was still dark all around. The temperature had dropped, and the wind was blowing the dark green shadows of the trees outside the window, making them sway and rustle. I looked down and saw his arms wrapped around me, his veins bulging.
He was facing me, and I was facing away from him. His thin chest pressed against my back, which was undoubtedly a safe position, at least it wouldn't touch any private parts that shouldn't be touched. My beloved's face was buried in the crook of my shoulder, like a small animal burying itself in a warm nest with the scent of its mother. I didn't know how to describe it, my head was spinning, I was extremely happy, and he held me in his arms, snuggling against me.
"Li Yuzhong," I said, "loosen your grip a little."
He gave a mumbled "hmm," but didn't move.
I guessed he was probably about to fall asleep, and if he was this well-behaved, I really would be willing to continue liking him. Actually, I'm a little unsure about my own feelings. I know my own despicable nature; perhaps it's just a spur-of-the-moment thing. Today it's him, tomorrow it could be someone else. But I can foresee that for a long time, I won't be able to break free from Li Yuzhong, and I'll often think about that night.
Thinking back to that night, he didn't know I liked him. We were quiet, without any romantic atmosphere, just like two animals snuggling together for warmth. Li Yuzhong once said that when two people are together, they have nothing to fear. Actually, I feel the same way. I'm always full of confidence for the future because I'm with him. Sometimes, just thinking of him and his eyes brings peace to my heart.
In the latter half of the night, the thunder subsided, but the raindrops grew heavier. The downpour began, its dense noise pounding against the eaves, the windowsills, and anywhere I couldn't see. Whenever I wondered if Li Yuzhong was behind me, his arms tightened, letting me know he was there. My pounding heart would race wildly between sleep and wakefulness, like the raindrops. Midsummer night, I wished I didn't wake up, that the dream wouldn't end.
Let fate keep us here.
-
I never wanted to face that room again.
This room, filled with memories of Li Yuzhong and me, even the old Li family house—I don't want to step foot inside it again. Thinking about what happened with him this summer makes my fingertips feel damp, as if rain has fallen on them. My fingers trace the glass, but it's cold to the touch. When the first rays of dawn rise, the rain stops, and I reach out to touch the fogged windowpane.
Write on it:
I love you.
It was difficult for me to write; I had to stretch my arm to do it. My fingertips touched the cool glass surface, like icy needles. The mist was parted, revealing the sun through the crooked handwriting, and I could see the lush greenery outside the window, life growing silently.
I quietly watched these words, which revealed my heart, as glistening tears streamed down my face, eventually becoming unformable. Only then did I wake Li Yuzhong and tell him it was time for school. He rubbed his eyes; the dark circles under his eyes had mostly disappeared, indicating he had slept well.
This is the most memorable thing for me before the college entrance exam. Another thing is that at the graduation ceremony, the other members of the drama club and I prepared a performance. I was, of course, the female lead. I've forgotten the name of the boy I was acting with, but I remember he was also a performing arts student and very popular in the grade. He was barely good enough to be my partner; he wasn't someone I could easily outshine. We performed on stage.
Li Yuzhong sat in the audience.
He sat alone in the far corner, all alone, his hand resting lightly on his knee. He stared at me without blinking, and that gaze made me a little uncomfortable. He was fine; the problem was with me, with my hand resting on the male lead's shoulder. Li Yuzhong just stared at me like that, and as someone who liked him, I was naturally a little embarrassed, especially after that rainy night before the college entrance exam when we slept in each other's arms.
I'm making excuses for myself:
That falls under the category of friends.
Although I hugged and danced ballroom with other boys on stage, Li Yuzhong had no reason to criticize me, right? Because he neither liked me nor knew that I liked him. I didn't explain any of that. Although there were rumors about me and that boy in the grade, people around me are always talking about whether I'm a good match for any guy, and most of the time they say I'm not. I sometimes think that if I really got together with Li Yuzhong, he might also be criticized, but that's not my problem. I'm fine.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I didn't do anything wrong, so why do I feel this inexplicable feeling when he silently watches me from where the stage lights can't reach? I imagine him sitting there like a little cat, obediently hiding his paws in his tail, waiting for me.
So as soon as I finished my performance, without even changing out of my stage costume, I ran over to ask him if he wanted to attend the class reunion later. Of course, he said yes, and without any surprises, he would never refuse me. For a moment, I even thought that even if he didn't like me, if I confessed to him, he probably wouldn't refuse so easily—Li Yuzhong seemed like the kind of guy you could win over with persistent pursuit.
I don't need to pester them.
I just need to ask him.
Li Yuzhong, would you like to be with me?
He might say first, "Oh, isn't this inappropriate?" I'd say, "What's inappropriate? We're already so close, why not become even closer? If you stay with me, we'll still be like before, nothing will change. I don't want to lose contact with you after I go to university, do you want that too?" At this point, he'd hesitate. After all, I'm his only friend, and even if he doesn't want to develop a romantic relationship with me, he'd have to consider our friendship. If he says "no," I can accept it. Who says a person can only confess their feelings once?
He might not know my worth yet, he doesn't realize how good I am. Once he does, he'll have an epiphany and think, "Ah, Li Juntong, you are such a wonderful woman, how could I have missed you?" I'll then generously say, "It's okay, just kneel down and kowtow once and I'll forgive you."
I do want to confess my feelings to Li Yuzhong.
But I didn't say it out loud.
Even now, I don't regret it. I don't regret not saying it. If I had known he didn't even value our friendship, all those rehearsed words in my mind, my useless expectations, my vision of a future with him... Really, I don't regret it, because that's the beauty of lies. Lies made me sell my sincerity, that fragile, easily hurt thing, in exchange for a more solid dignity.
You could say, you could say, that lies are my armor. I lie like a turtle retreating into its shell, like a rattlesnake flicking its rustling tail. I lie purely out of instinct; I need to survive. I can't let love extinguish my humanity.
At that time, I was certain that even if five, ten, twenty, or thirty years had passed, even if Li Yuzhong had a happy marriage and family, and I were to continue with a man who was no more beautiful or realistic than Li Yuzhong back then, I would not regret not expressing my feelings to him.
Because, because,
The one I truly love.
Not the naive young man he once was.
It was myself, my heart fluttering with love.
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