Chapter 18
My morals only prevent me from becoming a mistress.
After that, we grew closer and closer. At the same time, I was truly moved by how accurate my sixth sense was. My limited courage was used in the right place, which was with you, Li Juntong. You made my high school years exceptionally colorful.
I was even more surprised that you were willing to celebrate my birthday with me. I thought only very, very, very close friends could celebrate birthdays together, because I've never been invited to a birthday party before. My middle school or elementary school classmates would even loudly tell me who was having a birthday party, and then tell me that there was only one person who wasn't invited. Guess who that person was? Well, it was me.
This is the first time I've ever had my birthday celebrated with friends.
You have no idea how happy I was. Under the candlelight, you let me make a wish. I thought, more than becoming more popular, I wanted you by my side for my next birthday. Anyway, as long as you're still here, I'll have countless opportunities to discuss and learn the secrets to popularity from you. But you, you are the most important. You're by my side, smiling as you watch me make my wish, and we share the first piece of cake together.
Of course I'll give you the piece with the most strawberries. I want to give you the best, my good friend. If you're willing to play with me, I'll never hold back. I'll even give you the last penny I have left. That's how we've been through thick and thin together. You're the one I care about most.
I told you about the things on my wish list, and you encouraged me to do them and stayed with me. With such a wonderful person like you by my side, I felt like I was truly not afraid of anything, except ghosts. Okay, I was really scared, hiding behind you. At that moment, I wondered, who will be the one in the future?
Who will it be in the future? Who will sweetly hide behind you, gently comforted by your words, "Don't be afraid," "It's not scary at all"? Who will bury their face in your palm, snuggling into your arms when panicked and helpless, receiving such tender help from you? Li Juntong, you treat me so differently. I don't want you to treat others like that. I want to hear you say that we are the best of friends in the world.
Is that not allowed?
Um?
I can't bring myself to say these sweet nothings, so I'll keep them to myself. I'll tell you next time it's your birthday, when you're still here.
But I didn't expect that you would still be there for my birthday the following year, and you even prepared a very thoughtful birthday gift for me. I could tell that you wanted to tell me that we had the same taste in Walkmans, but it seems that you misunderstood me. At that time, I really wanted to beg you to give it to me, my gift, instead of using it to record my embarrassing moments. Even if I said something wrong, did you have to punish me like this?
Okay, then I'm willing too.
I'm willing to let you treat me however you like, gently or roughly. I'm willing to listen to your troubles, to tell you how great an actor you want to be. When you say that, you radiate light, you know? In my heart, you've already achieved it; you'll be the most amazing person. You talked about so many things again. You said you needed to find a place to stay, and I instinctively wanted you to stay. But I was afraid you wouldn't agree, so when you went to sleep late at night, I carefully chose my words, afraid that I might say something wrong and upset you again. Thankfully, you stayed the next morning. Hearing this good news, I couldn't wait to run to you. Li Juntong, praise me! You were so great!
My summer,
Summer arrived before yours.
I saw you long before you saw me, back in the summer of my first year of high school. It wasn't you who noticed me, but I noticed you first. But if you knew, you might have been scared away. You have no idea how lonely I was, how long I watched you before you looked back.
So, when I carefully and deeply explored our relationship, in the dead of night, I realized that I had actually fallen in love with you, because every time I thought of every little thing about us, it was like writing a love letter to you that no one would ever know.
After realizing this, I felt like I was on fire; my heart was pounding like crazy. That moment when you kissed me—that's how it was. No matter what, I developed feelings for you that went beyond friendship. Could that be called love?
I want you to only talk to me.
They only look at me, and only smile at me.
It only gazes at me for a long time.
I just... really like you.
Realizing this, realizing I liked you, realizing I realized it too late, when I wanted to tell you, I was already filled with timidity again. At graduation, you and a boy from the same year stood on stage, reciting lines, holding hands, hugging, and sharing a misplaced kiss; you danced for so long. That day you were made up, wearing a gorgeous pleated skirt, you were truly beautiful. Although you've always been beautiful, that day the stage lights shone on you, and I watched you silently from a secluded corner, truly feeling like I was seeing an angel.
You are perfectly suited to the lights, the stage, the screen—everything related to being the center of attention. I don't know what others think, but I firmly believe you will become a top actor. You deserve all the applause, and you will work with many more men in the future, either acting together or dating. Actually, I should have realized then that I wasn't good enough for you, but I was just too arrogant back then.
I was so arrogant that I ignored every boy around you, and sometimes, I even ignored myself, my insecurities, my vulnerabilities, and my overthinking. To this day, I'm still curious about what gave me the courage to confess to you at the class reunion after graduation. Maybe... well, it was that secret kiss you gave me, so hot it evaporated my timidity.
However, even now I'm still grateful.
I'm glad I didn't tell you how I felt about you.
"That kind of person is so boring."
"It's just about having some fun."
"It's really fun to tease him."
Cruel, to put it bluntly, even many years later, I still remember the tone of every word you uttered when you said that. I couldn't see your expression through the door, but if I did, it must have been one of utter disgust. I'm also grateful that fate didn't let me witness that embarrassing scene firsthand. Fate intervened in those few seconds, preserving some dignity for us. Otherwise, it would have been so painful for you to see me in tears.
I don't know what to do.
No one told me what to do when I was rejected seconds before I was about to confess. I quickly threw away the roses in my hand, but my badminton partner saw it and deduced from it that I liked you. I really didn't want to admit it, not because of my pride—actually, I'm quite shameless—otherwise, I wouldn't have insisted on being friends with you even though I knew you didn't like me. I didn't want to admit it simply because I didn't want it to get out, didn't want people to gossip, and didn't want people to say I wasn't good enough for you, even though I'd known that for a long time.
She kept crying.
I don't want to.
This is the only time I've felt so miserable and desperate without you by my side. Because you're so wonderful, I always subconsciously rely on you and seek comfort from you, but now my pain stems from you, I can't reach out to you, I can't handle it, and I'm just crying.
Did I make you hate me?
That's actually better than you having no feelings for me at all. But you just don't have any feelings for me. It's just something you do for fun, a pastime in your free time. This time, I want to pretend I don't know, but I can't. Those few rising tones of your voice—every time I think of them, my throat feels choked, like a knife is cutting into my trachea, my chest throbs with pain. I sit on the street, a classmate I don't know very well beside me. He comforts me, but I just keep crying. Forgive me for not being able to accept it. Tears fall through my fingers as I tell myself this is the last time.
Alright, Li Yuzhong,
We can't keep being so weak.
Otherwise, who else would like you?
That classmate comforted me, saying that he knew we were close, but I was a very popular person, and he put it as "too radiant." He said that people who were too weak or not strong enough would get burned by being around someone as radiant as me.
The Little Prince says that to form bonds with others, one must be prepared to shed tears. I never questioned the truth of this statement, but when the risk fell on my shoulders, I was overwhelmed. It felt so heavy. No one told me that shedding tears was such a painful thing.
It was a thousand times, ten thousand times worse than any other time I had an attack. My heart was uneasy; the cause of the illness had taken root there, and the pain was deeply ingrained.
I dare not go back to the place where you are.
I missed the class reunion, like a useless deserter, staying at a classmate's house until the next day before returning. You were waiting for me with your suitcase, and I knew there was no way to avoid it, so I lied too. I told you I didn't want to go to the class reunion because you disliked me.
You frowned: "Why didn't you say you didn't want to go?"
I can't help it, Li Juntong. I like you, so I can't bear to be in the same space as you, even though you hate me. Don't you think the air is polluted wherever I am? I can hardly breathe. Talking to you makes me feel like I'm going crazy.
I avoided it.
Leaving you means letting you go away from me too. All you need is a pastime; if not me, it would be someone else. What I need is you, just right. I simply don't understand what you wrote on the misty windowpane that stormy night when you held me as we fell asleep:
I love you.
Was it just a joke?
Was it just a pastime for you when you were bored? Was it a follow-up to your teasing about my Walkman? I really misunderstood; I mistakenly thought it was a sign that you had even a little bit of affection for me. I thought I would be angry with you, but when I found out you didn't like me, I was even angrier at myself.
I hate myself for being so useless.
Tears, so pathetic, fall uncontrollably; my body, so frail and unappealing; my face, so pathetic, fails to move you in the slightest; yet my heart, so pathetic, always pounds. I am utterly unworthy of you, spending my days in daydreams.
ah,
It seems to have become a psychological problem.
I don't want to admit it, I don't want to mention it, please, it really is like a nightmare. I'm still so unimproving, why can't I pull myself together after all this time? I try to avoid it, but the fact that you hate me is like a root in my heart, inescapable.
It took me a long time to process this. When I went to collect my graduation certificate, I deliberately avoided you, afraid of falling back into that terrifying abyss, like countless hands dragging me down into those dreams with you, trapping me in the past from which I could never escape. I completely forgot my birthday, because without you, how could a birthday be complete?
When my college entrance exam results came out, you messaged me. You congratulated me, but I felt nothing. Instead, I asked where you were applying to universities. As soon as I asked that question, I was shocked by my own shamelessness. How could I so brazenly pry into your life, and then change my application to be in the same city as you?
Even though I was determined to quit,
How silly.
How foolish I was, how foolish Li Yuzhong was, how foolish all of this was. Only after you left did I dare to make a series of changes. The only thing worth being happy about is that, along with giving up on you, my years-long illness seems to have disappeared as well. In my freshman year, I started trying things I never dared to do before: negotiating with people, practicing languages, running for positions I never dared to take, saying things I never dared to say before, running in the mornings and evenings, exercising. Strangely, my intention in doing these things wasn't to improve myself. I don't have the mentality of "you look down on me today, but I'll make you look at me with new eyes tomorrow." I just wanted to forget you. It's ridiculous that I haven't moved on after all this time.
I heard you have a boyfriend now that you're a sophomore.
I had just finished a business competition and was finally free from a lot of work. I hadn't checked on you for a while. When I heard news of you from someone from your school, I felt a wave of dizziness. "Calm down," I told myself, "Li Yuzhong, there's nothing to be angry about. You should have a new life, new people. I wasn't your boyfriend before, I didn't have that status, so why should I be jealous?"
I'll go and meet him.
Honestly, I was just going to meet him. I'm all better now, and I haven't had any improper thoughts about you for a long time. Besides, I'm completely different from before. I'm no longer that stuttering person who couldn't even speak properly. I dare say, you wouldn't recognize me now.
I went to your school and saw your new boyfriend, Chi Jiansheng. The moment I saw his smug face, I got angry, and I swear it wasn't because of you. Seeing a girl who wasn't you affectionately putting her arm around his shoulder made me even angrier. I swear I had no ulterior motives; I just didn't want him to let you down. I rushed at him to hit him, but then, realizing what I'd done, I ran away under the cover of night.
I swear it wasn't because of you.
All right,
It's all because of you.
Ah, I really want to cry. When I realized how impulsive I'd been, I didn't dare admit it to you. But secretly, I felt incredibly proud. At least I had the courage to punch someone. I know Chi Jiansheng didn't do anything wrong, but I hate him. I have that right. The realization that I can freely hate others is all because of you, Li Juntong. Even though you've left me, you're still helping me. Do you know what I think about when I lack confidence? I think about impersonating you.
Imitating your confidence and your demeanor makes me feel much better. Gradually, I learned how to speak, how to act, and how to win people's attention and affection in a crowd. I didn't find it difficult because you are my best teacher.
After all this time, I've come to a new definition of "I like you"—it doesn't stop me from liking you, even if you have someone else you're attracted to. I still have feelings for you. Because liking you is my own business; I'll handle it myself and make my own decisions. But the only thing that bothers me is that you don't like me back, and that's something I need to think about carefully how to reconcile that. My therapist suggested:
"If you really can't forget her in a short time, you can set a goal and strive to become the person she wants you to be."
so,
I suddenly realized.
The doctor added that this way you can experience the meaning of growth and forget the pain of the past while improving yourself. I didn't have time to listen to those things. Really, how come I didn't think of that? Why don't I try to become the person you like?
I understand the beauty of acting.
When I'm feeling lost, impersonating you helps me calm down. Playing the role of your friend, your lover, I've found that the standards for a friend are lower than for a boyfriend, so I hold myself to the same standards—it's a kind of motivation. Then, a very faint voice comes to my defense: Li Juntong already has a boyfriend. Yes, that's what makes me most uncomfortable.
Li Juntong, do you know? I used to be proud of my character. I was kind and upright, which were some of the few things I could be proud of. I believed I could treat anyone with complete tolerance, but I just couldn't maintain my good character with your boyfriend. So right now, my morality and my selfishness are fighting each other, a fierce battle.
Okay, Li Juntong, I used to really think I was a very moral person, but now I realize that my morality is only enough to keep me from becoming a mistress.
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