Chapter 8
I went ahead and stuck it on.
I got out of bed and went to open the door barefoot.
I turned on the heater, making the room warm and dry, and my throat was parched. As soon as I opened the door, a blast of cold air rushed in, which Li Yuzhong blocked with his body. Without thinking, I asked in a hoarse voice, "What's wrong?" He said, "I called you, but you didn't answer."
“I have a fever,” I said. “Come in.”
After I finished speaking, I remembered another symptom besides fever. I hadn't changed my pants yet, so I awkwardly asked him to sit in the living room for a while. I turned my back and walked stiffly, hoping he hadn't seen me. When I came out after changing my clothes, there was hot water and ibuprofen on the table.
Do you use sanitary napkins or tampons?
He handed me the water glass and swiped his finger across the screen.
I told him I had plenty at home and he didn't need to spend any more money. He then put down his phone and handed me the pills, saying, "Take these first, then take your temperature."
I took it and swallowed it. The capsule went down my throat painfully, so I quickly grabbed a sip of warm water to help. Perhaps because my expression was so unpleasant, he asked with concern if I should go to the hospital. I said no, even if it hurt, it would only take half an hour for the painkiller to take effect.
I asked again, "Did you call me because it's urgent?"
He paused for a moment, then said, "About last night."
"Chi Jiansheng." I remembered. Actually, I had almost forgotten about him, if it weren't for him coming downstairs to bother me. Luckily, neither of us is a big shot, so there were no paparazzi following us. But even if it were exposed, it wouldn't cause much of a stir. Chi Jiansheng called me this morning, but I had deleted the contact name, so it was an unknown number. I thought it was spam.
"What's wrong with him?" I asked.
“They were going to take him to the police station, but his agent picked him up in the end.” Li Yuzhong was still looking at me. I told him not to look, that his face must be swollen horribly from his period, and that I hadn’t washed my face, wasn’t wearing makeup, and looked very haggard. He shook his head, “It’s my fault for not telling you beforehand, sorry to bother you.”
"It's alright," I said, "thank you for taking care of me."
“Of course,” he said.
This is my apartment, my territory. Li Yuzhong suddenly appeared, his presence intruding into the enclosed space. A few water droplets were still stuck in his color-blocked scarf. It was snowing outside. I suddenly realized, could he have been waiting downstairs for half an hour? No way.
Knock knock knock.
Suddenly someone knocked on the door.
"Huh?" I don't know who it is.
Li Yuzhong explained, "I called the locksmith. I knocked on your door while you were sleeping, but he wouldn't open it, so I thought something had happened to you."
“…Ah.” I covered my face awkwardly, thinking to myself, was I really sleeping that soundly? How embarrassing. He probably thought I had died at home.
Li Yuzhong opened the door to greet me, and I went to wash my face, do my skincare routine, and then took a bunch of vitamin pills from the vanity. My engagement ring was still on the bedside table, that emerald green gemstone, so vibrant and lustrous, but it wasn't meant to be mine forever, so I put it deep inside the drawer.
Li Yuzhong called me, and I went to the living room. He asked me what I wanted to eat, offering to order. I had no appetite at all; being sick meant I should eat light meals, but I didn't want porridge. There were dried noodles in the refrigerator, and he put on my apron and started cooking. I didn't know he could cook.
He chopped vegetables, boiled water, and cooked noodles with practiced ease. I hoped he wasn't cooking with such dedication for someone else; I hoped he was. Although I have no right to pry into his love life, if he had given his virginity to someone else, I would genuinely feel a pang of jealousy.
After all, she's the person I have a crush on.
And just a few minutes ago, he appeared in my burning dream. I pride myself on not being a person who stays in love for long, but since I've been so sincere, and have had feelings for him for so many years, if he could even sense it a little bit... Forget it, he can't know. I'd rather die than let him know.
The person I can sense is currently facing away from me, chopping scallions. He knows my taste. We lived under the same roof for a year, a whole year. It was the most beautiful year that I would recall on my deathbed, the year I least wanted to lose.
In my early teens, my fantasies about Li Yuzhong—about that thin, coughing, and somewhat un-masculine boy—were tinged with the fresh scent of mint and the rich fragrance of jasmine. He was like a flower on a branch, too delicate to be plucked; I felt he couldn't bear to be with me.
Of course I know that in traditional love, men usually take the lead, but how could someone as fragile as Li Yuzhong possibly manage? I even prepared myself for the possibility that he might be impotent. After all, loving someone isn't just about sex; if he's good in other ways, I'm pretty much accepting of him.
What about Li Yuzhong now?
That's perfectly normal.
To be precise, it's too healthy.
He lacked that quality—that feeling of needing to rely on something to keep going. Back then it was me, now it's no one else. Now he's so independent, like a normal person; he can even handle things that are difficult for me. He's changed over the years, changed so much.
I thought he would still be the same as before, timid, showing a sheepish smile when faced with difficulties, cautiously seeking my approval. I stared at his thin knitted sweater, his broad shoulders stretching out, but I preferred his old, silly look with sloping shoulders.
And then there was his waist. As a boy, his waist was fair and delicate, peeking out from under his clothes like a willow branch. Even now, bound by the straps of his apron, the marks of his workouts were still visible. He bent down to wash his hands, the veins on the back of his hands bulging menacingly.
Violent aesthetics.
I thought again of that punch he threw last night—a solid, hard punch, a dull thud from beneath the skin. The thought that Li Yuzhong, with his innocent, clean-cut face, would dare to fight with another man truly surprised me. Besides that, I felt a deep sense of unease. Actually, I was waiting for him to speak first. If he asked me about Chi Jiansheng, I could then ask him what had happened between him and Chi Jiansheng.
But he remained silent.
The light vegetable noodles were ready, and I brought them to the living room to eat. My rented apartment is about 80 square meters, in the city center. It's enough for one person, but it feels a bit cramped when Chi Jiansheng comes to stay overnight. He's such a big guy, and I always feel like our space doesn't match. I'm very territorial.
Li Yuzhong, however, integrated very well into the community.
He sat on the sofa as if it were his place, in the kitchen as if he were in his own home. If he were this familiar with everyone around him, having been to other people's houses and doing this and that, and now staring at me while I eat noodles like this, I would really get angry.
He must be because I'm his close friend, someone he used to be, and someone he's currently engaged to. I struggled with this, unable to find a suitable reason to possess him. I wanted him to ask me about my relationship with Chi Jiansheng, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. I silently ate my noodles.
The doorbell rang.
This time it was me who called, I called the landlord. I don't know how to change the fingerprint lock password. Chi Jiansheng recorded it before, and it was supposed to be deleted after the breakup, but I was too carefree to care. I also thought that Chi Jiansheng knew his limits and wouldn't do anything so rash, like coming to the door to demand an explanation.
Thankfully, he didn't come to confront me while I was at home, otherwise, it would have been quite embarrassing. But wouldn't it have been awkward in front of Li Yuzhong? Well, Li Yuzhong was even more embarrassed than me. He also let me discover that he beat up Chi Jiansheng back in college, but why was I completely unaware of it?
I was puzzled.
The landlord asked me why I deleted that handsome young man's fingerprints, and whether we had broken up. I said yes. I asked Li Yuzhong to register his fingerprints, and the landlord then asked if he was a relative of mine. I said, "Sort of, he's my fiancé." The landlord fell silent and said, "Young people like that."
Li Yuzhong's face immediately turned red.
I didn't care. After seeing the landlord off, I returned to my home, where Li Yuzhong and I looked at each other. I suddenly remembered that it was Monday, and he should have been at work. He said he had taken the day off and then pulled a document out of his briefcase. "A prenuptial agreement. Take a look."
Oh, so that's what you came for. I took the document, read it from beginning to end, and found no problems. I picked up the pen to sign, and Li Yuzhong handed me his seal. He patiently watched me finish before speaking, "You're still sick. Can I postpone getting our marriage certificate tomorrow to three days later?"
I laughed and said, "No, I was just mentioning getting the marriage certificate. I didn't say we had to get it right away! It's just safer to get it before the wedding."
Li Yuzhong visibly paused:
"Then...should I cancel first?"
"No need," I said, suppressing a laugh. "Friday then."
He visibly relaxed, as if it had been a nerve-wracking experience. I preferred seeing him flustered rather than confident. He asked if I wanted to go back to bed, and I asked if he was leaving. A few seconds later, he said he would stay and take care of me.
"I'll be fine after a nap," I said.
He nodded. "Let's see if the fever goes down."
He was at my house, so I told him to do whatever he wanted. I went back to bed and saw dried bloodstains on the sheets. I frantically tried to tear them off, and he helped me. But I was too embarrassed to do that, so I just kept my head down and started taking the sheets off. I was going to take them to the bathroom to wash them, but he took them from me and said he would do it.
"You can't touch cold water."
"It's not that precious," I wanted to say, but a selfish thought prevented me from saying anything, and I just watched him take that thing. Soon, the sound of water came from the bathroom. I thought to myself, what's the difference between this and a couple? The things he did were things only Chi Jiansheng would do.
Back in college, I vowed to find a boyfriend completely different from him. Nothing about him was acceptable—face, personality, physique—not even the slightest resemblance. So I started dating Chi Jiansheng, the most famous guy in our department, and coincidentally, so was I. We naturally started socializing, dating, and eventually became a couple. I just never imagined our relationship would last so many years.
Of course, I had no intention of spending my life with Chi Jiansheng. Although he met all my aesthetic standards for men, as the saying goes, one shouldn't get too close to someone who resembles oneself, otherwise it's like looking in a mirror. Every time Chi Jiansheng became hysterical because of his feelings, I would think that I was that kind of person too, except that he expressed it outwardly, while I was crazy to the core. My madness was always subtle and imperceptible.
I feigned aloofness.
Pretending to be generous.
Maintaining that shred of dignity took a tremendous toll on me. The ups and downs of the industry have worn me down, and I've lost my edge. If I had a shred of innate stubbornness in high school, now my edges have been smoothed out. I've become more worldly, more cautious. There are many things I can't say at this age, at this stage of my life. Even if I wanted to, my pride has faded with the years. Ten years ago, I would surely laugh at my current pathetic state.
So mediocre, no one knows about it.
I made the new sheets, and Li Yuzhong came out of the bathroom. Besides the wet sheets, he was also carrying—something else! I was like I'd seen a ghost; he was holding my soiled clothes! I said, "Hey! You!" I snatched it from him, "Why are you washing them!"
Li Yuzhong said he saw it in the laundry basket and just washed it without thinking. Is that something you can just wash without thinking? I went to hang it up myself, but I couldn't stop cursing him in my heart. Besides washing for me, has he washed for other women too, Li Yuzhong! He's dirty, he's not clean anymore!
"I didn't mean to..."
He said in a low voice.
He didn't realize why I was really angry.
I said, "Whoever makes it dirty should wash it, you're so strange!"
"I'm sorry. This is my first time washing a baby, I didn't know."
Okay. My clenched fist quietly loosened.
He showed concern for me, yet dared not offend me. I thought to myself, he's just that gentle. Who knows how many suitors he'll attract? Once someone realizes how good he is and is willing to treat him well, he'll already have someone else in his heart. Luckily, no one has, so it's my turn.
I crawled into bed, stiff. He sat down on the sofa by the computer desk and took out his laptop to work. I played on my phone and scrolled through his WeChat Moments from last night. It was a picture of my hand, wearing my engagement ring, with the simple caption—"Engaged."
"You're making this sound like a work report!" I said. "Nobody posts 'engaged' when they get engaged. Everyone says things like, 'After a long relationship, we've finally settled down,' and 'Hope everyone will come and support us!'" Soon, the post was edited to:
[I'm engaged! Finally! Me! After a ten-year-long love story, from school uniforms to wedding dresses, from my old classmate to my wife, I'm finally marrying the woman I love. I'm so moved that I'm bursting into tears! Please guide me for the rest of my life! (AI expanded result)]
A few seconds later.
He deleted the content in parentheses.
Help!
I can't take it anymore...
I laughed until my stomach hurt. Seriously, Li Yuzhong used to be just plain stupid, but now he comes across as meticulous and rigorously stupid. It's not entirely boring, though. I thought he lacked romance, considering that photo of him holding my hand and our engagement ring.
"You took this while I was sleeping, didn't you?" I asked.
Li Yuzhong pursed his lips. "Yes."
I didn't have time to dwell on that. My old classmates were leaving a row of question marks below. Some said, "Li Yuzhong, if you've been kidnapped, blink twice!" Others directly tagged me, saying, "Your husband." I silently liked the post, forwarded it to my agent, and invited her to my wedding.
She said, "Come whenever you have time, it's so busy at the end of the year."
Suddenly, I thought of Chi Jiansheng. He might have lost control and rushed to my building because of that post. I asked Li Yuzhong how he and Chi Jiansheng had gotten involved, and whether what Chi Jiansheng said was true. Li Yuzhong's fingers paused on the keyboard, his cautious gaze shifting from the computer to my bedside. I pressed my nose against my phone, typing slowly, also watching him tentatively.
He said, "I happen to have a friend at the Film Academy who heard about you and invited me to do some data analysis. It just so happens that we met."
"You think Chi Jiansheng cheated on me behind my back?"
He sounded only slightly remorseful, saying he didn't know and that his friends had told him. He also felt it was wrong and a bit impulsive. I can understand; Li Yuzhong is still my friend, and he was thinking of me. The only thing I don't understand is why he didn't let me know.
and,
"You actually know how to use your fists?"
He murmured again that he hadn't thought that much about it. I buried my face in the pillow and chuckled softly, feeling a little grateful to Chi Jiansheng. Otherwise, I wouldn't have known that Li Yuzhong had such an embarrassing story related to me. Li Yuzhong said that he hadn't told me because he was afraid I would laugh at him.
I whispered, "I won't." In this relaxed atmosphere, he asked me why things hadn't gone well between me and Chi Jiansheng. I said no, there was no unpleasantness, it's just that we were both very busy with work, and our relationship soured. He said we should break up, and I felt that was the right thing to do.
“I know he was probably just saying that out of anger,” I closed my eyes and pressed my wrist against my burning forehead to cool it down. “But I’ve actually been thinking about breaking up for a while now, he just hasn’t realized it yet. He might think it’s a cold war, but I think it’s the end.”
Li Yuzhong echoed me, "He didn't get it right."
“He’s always confused. Sometimes he means the same thing but says the opposite.” I said softly. “I have the same problem. What I say and what I think are not the same thing. But I’ve never regretted it. What I say is basically like that.”
"...Is it because of this?" he asked.
I didn't understand. "What?"
I yawned.
I'm a little sleepy.
He said, "Is this the reason you broke up with your ex-boyfriend? It's okay if you don't want to answer, it was just a casual question."
"It's not because of that. Everyone says hurtful things when they're angry. I said much harsher things than he did. It's just that I feel like he's too similar to me. At first, we seemed to be very compatible in how we handle things, but after a while, it's like seeing myself in him, and I get disgusted with him."
"...You two have been together for seven years."
"No, it's been on and off, and work has taken up all of my time. I only use the spare moments for leisure. Haven't you ever done that?"
His voice was a little distant.
"No."
That's a good thing.
I don't remember if I said it out loud.
I slept very restlessly.
It was so hot. My back was sweating profusely, and I kept trying to kick off the covers. I definitely didn't manage to. In my hazy state, I could feel Li Yuzhong patiently tucking me in. I was really annoyed. Once, he had just finished tucking me in when I tried to pull the covers off, but then I realized I couldn't. I don't know what happened; it felt like I was tied up with rope. Seriously? He treated me like that.
Forget it, it's all Li Yuzhong's fault.
So, I accept it.
-
I don't know when, but I woke up, and my fever had subsided. My body felt light, and although my back was sticky with sweat and uncomfortable, my limbs felt soft and comfortable. It was already dark, I didn't know if it was early night or late at night. I turned over and realized where that feeling of restraint came from. Li Yuzhong was lying behind me, his arm pressing me down through the thick blanket. Now, we were face to face.
Shh, he's sleeping.
I calmly gazed at him. In the darkness, the boy I once had a crush on was so close, so close in the oppressive and indifferent darkness, yet my heart was filled with unbridled joy. I thought to myself, what was it that came up with the idea of having me play his wife? Whose idea was this? Seriously, I'll reward him handsomely. It's like having the very tip of a strawberry, the one I wanted most, offered to my lips.
I have no other feelings for Li Yuzhong.
Besides possessing him.
I neither expect to win his affection nor fantasize about a future with him or developing any feelings for him. Li Yuzhong is destined to be just a sincere friend to me; I can't imagine him ever falling madly in love with someone. He still doesn't seem to have grasped the situation, even arranging for someone to fake a marriage. And I, relying on what happened between us in the past, approached him, lied, and stole what I wanted.
Isn't that satisfying enough?
I suppressed my restless heart, remembering the abrupt end last time. This time, it wouldn't be like that. It was just him and me, the timing was perfect, the place was right, and we were in sync. My lips were dry and itchy, as if feathers were scratching at them. I needed something close to them, within an inch of their breath.
I stared warily into his eyes, which were tightly closed, but I couldn't guarantee they were safe; they might open at any moment. It was like breaking into a house, not knowing when the homeowner would return, so I pricked up my ears to eavesdrop while rummaging through their belongings. Li Yuzhong's breathing was even and long.
I voluntarily stuck it on.
I remained calm throughout the entire process, aware of what I was doing. I was doing something addictive, something I knew was pointless yet persisted in. I was like an incorrigible animal, slapped, grabbed by the back of the neck, pointed at, and severely reprimanded, yet still unrepentant, still determined to err. I gently touched it with my lips, even hoping for a response.
Do not respond.
I shouted in my heart.
Don't respond to me. I don't want to hear a response I don't want to hear. If lies can make me feel good, then I'll block the ears that lead to reality. I pressed my lips harder against his, opened my mouth, and gently took them in, using my tongue to trace the shape of my brief possession.
During this process, my ears were ringing, and my eardrums and heart were trembling violently. I was surrendering to my own will, and all my reactions were exactly as I had anticipated. What I was pursuing was this reckless joy, regardless of the countless lies I would have to cover up in the future. I still wanted the present, only the present! For a moment, I even wanted to bite his lip hard, to bite him awake!
I'll bite him awake, and he'll look at me in terror beside his pillow, realizing I'm a madman. He'll realize I've awkwardly loved him all these years, just like when he deliberately reunited with me, creating situations that would throw my heart into turmoil. I won't let him have it easy! He doesn't know what he gave me; he calls it a plea, an act, but to me it's an opportunity, a chance for me to greedily suck and bite him!
He doesn't know what I did to him in my dream. He doesn't understand, he doesn't comprehend, and he knows what a terrible price I'll have to pay to get close to him again. I'm going to do the same thing. If he screams, I'll gag him, tear off his clothes. I'm shameless; I'll take him completely. I deserve to have his first time. If that doesn't work, I'll tell a hundred more lies. I can't let him run away like he did before.
That desire overwhelmed me, and I almost thrust my tongue into his mouth. I nearly lost control, but I quickly realized it wouldn't do. Reason took over in an instant, and I wished I wasn't so clear-headed. I really wished I wouldn't stop.
But I was extremely careful,
It came to an abrupt end.
I am a liar.
I'm even deceiving myself, I think coldly and ruthlessly. How ridiculous! I clearly can't bear to let go, I still care about that little bit of relationship that allows us to continue. What am I pretending to be? I'm acting like a schizophrenic. I lower my eyes, my gaze falling on his moist lips, as dark as the dead of winter.
I eventually bypassed him and went to the restroom.
I took a long, hot shower. When I came out, Li Yuzhong was still fast asleep. The loud noise of my shower hadn't woken him, let alone what I was doing in there. I walked up to him, bent down, and examined him in the dim moonlight.
So cute.
Long time no see.
Even cuter than before.
Can I say?
I gently patted his pillow to wake him and told him my fever had gone down. He slowly opened his eyes, looking a little dazed, still half asleep. I asked him if he wanted to go back to sleep, but he glanced at the time and said no, it was almost dawn, and he was going straight to the company.
I said, "It's cold outside, be careful to keep warm."
He had a very soft nasal tone.
"Um."
I heard the rustling of him getting dressed—sweater, coat, leather shoes, and then his black, white, and gray color-blocked scarf. In the light seeping from the bathroom, and the warm, damp steam, I tilted my head and watched him silently. He was so gentle in the darkness.
He picked up his briefcase. "See you later."
"Okay," I said. "See you later."
He left, left my home. Nothing was missing; his scent, clear and gentle, was too faint, fading away. Yet, I felt as if something was missing; I forgot I had never possessed it. I lit a cigarette, my back to the sunrise, and slowly took a drag.
From when?
I'm thinking.
When exactly did it begin, and who crossed the line, that things became so out of control, becoming a seed planted deep in my heart? What is so good about Li Yuzhong that makes me so obsessed with him? Is he someone I can't have, someone I'm so desperate to destroy?
I thought about it for a long time before I finally understood:
The source of all these fallacies,
It was just a fleeting, superficial kiss.
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