Chapter 16 Putting Everything Out of My Mind
As dusk fell, the pale light of the sky completely sank into the inky blue. Wen Xiaoxiao finally got up from the kang (a heated brick bed).
She found the thermos and poured it into the enamel basin.
Steam rose up, blurring her expressionless face.
She used a towel dipped in warm water to gently wipe her body.
When the water touched her burn, she jerked violently, clenched her teeth, but made no sound.
They scrubbed their skin even harder, as if trying to rub off a layer of skin.
I washed for a long time, until the water got completely cold and my skin turned red.
She changed into clean cotton clothes, haphazardly dried her hair, and tied it back with an old rubber band.
After doing all this, she stood in the center of the room, her gaze slowly focusing, as if she had made some kind of decision.
The sounds and aromas of food coming from the kitchen were from Zhao Fei.
He reheated the braised pork and several steamed buns.
A simple meal was laid out on a small table, but he stood outside the door of the east wing, raised his hand, and then lowered it.
He wanted to knock on the door, to ask, "Are you alright?", and to hand in the food he was holding.
But he had no idea what she was like behind the door.
Just as he hesitated, the door creaked open from the inside.
Wen Xiaoxiao stood at the door, her face pale, but her eyes were no longer red and swollen; she was just eerily calm.
Holding a bottle of baijiu in her hand, her voice hoarse, she asked, "Big brother, is dinner ready?"
"Hmm...it's a bit hot, would you...want some?"
Wen Xiaoxiao raised the bottle in her hand: "I'll drink this." She stepped aside, "Come in and sit down, it's cold outside."
Zhao Fei hesitated for a moment, but still carried the bowl into the house.
He placed the bowl on the table and watched Wen Xiaoxiao walk to the table, pick up two teacups, and pour wine directly into them.
Wen Xiaoxiao sat down, picked up a glass for herself, and without looking at him, said in a low voice, "Have a drink with me."
Zhao Fei silently sat down on the stool opposite her and picked up another glass.
He didn't ask why, nor did he need to.
Some pain cannot be expressed in words.
The two clinked their glasses together, the sound crisp and clear.
Wen Xiaoxiao tilted her head back and practically gulped down the glass of strong liquor. Zhao Fei also downed his drink in one go, feeling a burning sensation from his throat all the way to his stomach.
The bottle was quickly half empty.
The effects of the midday intoxication hadn't worn off when a new wave of alcohol surged in with even greater force.
Wen Xiaoxiao's face flushed an unnatural red.
"Zhao Fei..." She lay on the table, her cheek resting on her arm, and suddenly spoke, her voice ethereal, "Am I... particularly useless? Particularly... annoying?"
"Don't talk nonsense." Zhao Fei's throat tightened.
“I’m not lying…” Wen Xiaoxiao’s tears welled up unexpectedly. “I’m sensible, I’ve endured it, I’ve learned a trade, I’m thinking of earning my own money… but why… why is it still like this? What did I do wrong? He just… just hates me so much…”
She couldn't continue, and her shoulders began to tremble uncontrollably.
Zhao Fei felt a sharp pain in his heart as he watched her cry.
He wanted to say "It's not your fault," he wanted to say "Qingda is an idiot," he wanted to say "You're a good person"...
“Xiaoxiao…” He wanted to pat her shoulder, but stopped in mid-air.
Wen Xiaoxiao suddenly raised her head, looking at him with teary eyes, then leaned to the side and threw herself into his arms.
"...I'm scared...I'm in so much pain..." she sobbed, burying her face in his firm chest.
His stiff arm slowly lowered, pulling her body firmly into his embrace.
Everything is self-evident.
The room was plunged into complete darkness.
Only the howling wind outside the window could be heard.
Silently fermenting in this cold night, it pushes everything toward a dangerous shore.
In the middle of the night, Wen Xiaoxiao was woken up by the cold.
As the effects of the alcohol wore off and consciousness returned, the aches and pains in my body struck before the memories became clear.
She suddenly opened her eyes, and there was no one beside her...
Memories flooded back like a tidal wave… those strong, powerful arms, that warm, firm embrace…
Those burning kisses that landed on her hair, her neck, the edges of her wounds...
And finally, there was that tender, almost soul-crushing entanglement.
It's not a dream.
She really slept with Zhao Fei.
This realization made her freeze, and after her heart stopped beating for a moment, it began to pound wildly.
A wave of fear gripped her instantly! This was an utterly shameful thing! If anyone found out… she didn’t dare to think about it.
But then, a completely different emotion quietly crept into my heart…
It was an almost twisted, vengeful pleasure.
Zhao Qingda, do you know that the woman you discard like trash is also cherished and valued by others?
This pleasure was sharp and fleeting, quickly overshadowed by more complex feelings.
She recalled Zhao Fei's clumsy yet unusually gentle movements in the darkness, and the painful growl he let out when he saw the wounds on her body.
I remember how carefully he traced the edge of the burn with his fingertips.
I also recall... that dizzying moment, as if I were being tossed into the clouds.
For the first time, she clearly felt that as a woman, she could be embraced with such preciousness.
It was a strange pleasure that almost made her feel guilty.
This is completely different from all her experiences in her two years of marriage.
There was no brutality, no coercion, and no indifference or disgust afterward.
This feels so good, like a stolen, unreal dream.
But this is a real, passionate, and dangerous secret.
A desperate, reckless act.
The thrill of secret retaliation
The thrill of first experiencing desire,
And the boundless fear and uncertainty about the future.
Under the same starry sky, in the simple duty room of the pig farm, Zhao Fei didn't sleep at all.
He sat on the cold wooden bed, wearing an old military overcoat, with cigarette butts scattered around his feet.
He kept replaying everything that had happened a few hours earlier in his mind.
Wen Xiaoxiao cried in despair.
She threw herself into his arms, trembling.
The scars on her body
There were hardly any patches of intact skin on his chest and waist.
Zhao Qingda! That beast! How could he do such a thing!
Anger burned through his body like wildfire.
But what followed was an even more intense self-judgment.
What did he do?
He took advantage of her vulnerability! At Xiaoxiao's most fragile and devastated moment!
He crossed that line that should never be crossed!
Countless identities in his mind were screaming at him, accusing him of being despicable and shameless!
But another voice emerged from the depths of my heart: How could you remain unmoved when you see her like that?
He just... just wanted to give her some warmth, even if only for a moment.
He failed to keep the boundaries.
He responded to her dependence and indulged his desires.
He clutched his head in anguish.
What kind of man is he? On the one hand, he despises Zhao Qingda's actions, but on the other hand, he himself has done something irreversible.
Zhao Fei took a deep drag on his cigarette until his lungs ached.
Outside the window, the pig farm was quiet, with only the sound of the wind and the occasional grunts of the pigs in the distance.
The winter night was long and cold, just like his state of mind at that moment.
Zhao Fei knew that some things, once they happened, could never be undone.
Whether it was between him and Wen Xiaoxiao, or in this home that once maintained a facade of peace.
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