Chapter 44 Love is something that is difficult to define
Although he had a premonition, when he really found out that Lan Tang had a relationship with Zhong Ye from Leibo Street, Qian Jianmu couldn't help but sigh.
What a small world this is.
He didn't even dare to guess so, but the reality was actually like this.
The matter of Huang Ba Tu was a secret shared by Zhongyuan Chuuya and Qianjianmu that they never spoke of.
They have been in contact for five years, ever since Nakahara Chuuya was nine years old. For Nakahara Chuuya, Sengenmaku is his friend and teacher, and Nakahara Chuuya has never hidden anything from Sengenmaku.
And when Qian Jianmu learned about this, Zhongyuan Chuuya thought he would react in some way, but Qian Jianmu was just very calm.
“Oh, I see.”
——That’s all! There wasn't even a fluctuation in his tone of voice, and the next topic became what to eat for dinner.
Although they were rarely together and Nakahara Chuuya did not live in the shrine, when the Sengenmaku collected intelligence, they actually allocated a portion of it to Nakahara Chuuya.
The intelligence network of Senmaku had been prepared for five years, and the dynamics of the entire Yokohama organizational information were divided among Endo Shusaku, Nakai Hideo and Senmaku himself. The first thing to focus on is the dynamics of large and small organizations, which makes it easier to extort money by selling intelligence. The second thing is to collect information on people with special abilities in Yokohama, including local people with special abilities who hide their identities and foreign people with special abilities who suddenly sneak in. As long as someone uses special abilities and there are informants around him, the information about this person will be sent to Endo Shusaku for classification and storage.
Finally, there is the focused investigation on Leibo Street. Although the situation of Leibo Street is worthy of further study, a large part of it is due to the investigation of Nakahara Chuuya's identity.
However, nothing was found.
The water in Leibo Street is much deeper than imagined.
This shows that Ozaki Koyo's information is very important. It is very likely that Randou himself has some connection with Nakahara Chuuya's past. In his lost memories, he may be able to find clues to the whole process of the explosion. With a very small probability, he may even know the whole incident.
Not everyone could survive the explosion. Almost everyone within that huge radius was evaporated on the spot, and the so-called disaster victims were only those who survived by chance on the periphery or were simply affected by the shock wave brought by the explosion.
Lan Tang's own special abilities are by no means simple.
After hanging up the phone, Qian Jianmu looked at the light and shadow on the desktop slowly moving towards him and fell into deep thought. His fingertips tapped on the table, making a light clicking sound.
Finally, he let out a breath.
"What are you thinking about?" Ayatsuji Yukito, who was sitting next to him, turned a page of the book and looked up at him faintly.
Qian Jianmu smiled.
"I think that people should avoid thinking too highly of themselves."
"Oh, I didn't notice that." Ayatsuji Yukito commented sharply.
"I have restrained myself a lot." Qian Jianmu blinked innocently, "I don't think too highly of myself to think that I can do such a thing."
Having said that, he still did nothing but pondered quietly. Ayatsuji Yukito, who was in the distance, looked at him and suddenly spoke:
“You hate making decisions. Why?”
"Um?"
"You are very resistant to deciding other people's future, and will only interfere slightly when others ask you to, and you are especially resistant to events that may be critical nodes or may have direct consequences."
Ayatsuji Yukito put down the book, walked up to him, and looked down at him with a thin and cold gaze, without any trace of sensibility.
"From the day I came here, you knew I would leave one day. Even if I brought a cat, you never contacted it. You planned to let me take it away from the beginning."
His tone was cold, and his speech speed was getting faster and faster:
"You sent Nakai Hideo to the Armed Detective Agency, and let Dazai Osamu go to the Port Mafia. You sent Endo Shusaku, who was the most devoted to you, away, letting him develop his power outside but never taking over. The only person you paid more attention to was Nakahara Chuuya, but you only taught him knowledge so that he could completely break away from you. You think everyone has to bear the consequences of all their decisions, but you never make decisions yourself."
The tone was as sharp as an ice blade, piercing straight at the young man who was looking at him with a mask-like smile. For some reason, Ayatsuji Yukito suddenly lost his temper. A deep fatigue and powerlessness made his already weary expression even colder and more world-weary.
The wind will push everyone forward, but the wind will not decide the direction you move in. It will just always push you from behind.
Whether moving forward or backward, the wind never questions or hinders.
When the wind stops, you can't even find it. It is everywhere, yet it does not exist.
It's just a phenomenon, not a substance.
You can hold a substance, but you cannot hold the wind.
No one can decide whether the wind stays or goes.
"When you write a book, you are reminiscing about the past," he said with difficulty.
"Yes, but there are other reasons as well." Qian Jianmu admitted readily.
"But you can't go back to the past." Ayatsuji Yukito made a judgment.
"I know that no one can change the past." Qian Jianmu nodded again, and that calm and strange smile was particularly eye-catching in this scene.
"So, you turned yourself into a ghost of the past," said Yukito Ayatsuji.
“…”
This time, Qianjianmu fell silent.
"You are not dead in the past, you are still alive. You don't want to live but you have to live, so you turn yourself into a ghost. You look for meaning in this way and face life in this way." Ayatsuji Yukito continued. He spoke very slowly this time, not arguing the evidence, but rather as if he was facing a bigger mystery.
“…”
Qian Jianmu still didn't say anything.
Ayatsuji Yukito opened his mouth, and then he was strangely silent for a moment. Finally, he came to his last, almost prophetic conclusion:
"Sooner or later you will become the only god in this desolate shrine."
What is God? It exists and it doesn't exist. You can pray for it when you need it and completely forget it when you don't need it.
The gods in the deserted shrines are pathetic creatures that have forgotten even their last existence, and they repeatedly recount the memories of the past, silently decaying and weathering in time, and finally meet their final end in happiness and emptiness.
Dazai Osamu noticed it, but he was not as perceptive as the detective, nor did he have the sharpness to see through the illusion. He was too young and could not even protect himself.
Endo Shusaku felt it, but he just silently followed the ideas of God, trying to do things to the extreme, and then gave everything with all his might.
Edogawa Ranpo realized this, so he tried very hard to establish contact with the Sengenmaku and keep a close eye on the shrine. After Dazai Osamu left, he sent Ayatsuji Yukito to try to keep at least one person by his side.
Hideo Nakai also had a premonition, but he didn't say a word. He just accompanied Senjianmaku seriously and considerately, and stayed by his side seriously. This was all he could do.
Central Plains? This child brought out by Qian Jianmu enjoyed the earliest and most serious decision made by this person in this world. But because of this, Sengenmaku never even let him come to the shrine and politely refused his approach.
However, even so, no one can change the situation, because he himself refuses all relationships and turns himself into an untouchable shadow.
Even Ayatsuji Yukito finally realized that his deductions could not change anything, and everything would proceed naturally under the connivance and planning of Sengenmaku.
A person's will can last for a few years, or even more than ten years, but people will eventually die.
Sengenmaku can wait. In recent years, after deciding to write a book to commemorate the past, he has hardly even stepped out of the shrine. The only new person he has met is Ayatsuji Yukito.
As long as he doesn't get to know new people and as long as this group of people leave, Qian Jianmu will have solved everything and he can finally disappear from this world in a conceptual sense.
He could have wandered in every corner of the world from then on. The name on the spine of the book enshrined in the shrine would eventually be unknown to anyone. The wandering false god of the desolate shrine carried more memories until he was exhausted to the end and then disappeared completely.
Sure enough, Qian Jianmu suddenly smiled.
"You are right in one respect."
He changed a few words, which were extremely sincere, but also particularly strange:
"I am the only wandering god left in this abandoned world."
But he paused, and that mask-like smile suddenly revealed some genuine emotion:
"But I also made the decision to try to keep people alive, and I did a lot of things. Even though death is okay, it's better to live normally, right? How can this not be considered a decision? Is there anything more important than living a healthy life?"
With his pupils trembling slightly, Ayatsuji Yukito looked at the man and felt a rare feeling that only appeared when his prisoner died of natural causes, the kind of chilling feeling that leaked out involuntarily as if a corner of his heart was broken. In a nearly vacuum, he heard the boy's faint voice.
"Everyone has their own life, and I will try my best to help. No one's life is forced or forced, everything is their own choice, so just enjoy the consequences of your choice. Isn't it a good thing to be able to choose the life you want and accept the equivalent karma?"
An extreme egoist.
What’s funny is that his self-centered side is actually altruistic.
I think, I feel, I draw the line, I decide the end point.
He never considers the feelings of the person who is pushed away, and just thinks that it is enough for the other person to enjoy what he thinks is a normal life. Because I feel that my life has no meaning, I simply delete my existence.
His heart is empty and void. He can face anyone's emotions normally, but he cannot store any warmth. However, his acting skills are excellent, like the arc of a smile calculated mechanically. He knows when to show what expression and no one notices the coldness in his ordinariness.
There is no point. Any persuasion and inducement are meaningless unless his heart is completely repaired and unless he slowly returns to the human world.
Ayatsuji Yukito said nothing, his cold eyes became sharper. He looked at Qian Jianmaku in silence for a while, then finally turned around and left the room.
As the paper door opened and closed, the gap between the doors was pulled open and then closed. In the brief gap between the wind flows, the white-haired boy behind the door had a blank expression on his face.
Emotions are complex and consist of many elements. This result is partly due to his innate factors, but a large part is due to the problems he encountered after birth.
Thinking, Ayatsuji Yukito told himself that Sengenmaku was best at misleading others according to their thoughts and making them enter his logical circle. He must break out of his logic.
Objectively speaking, Qian Jianmu's state seems to be still in a state of isolation from the world, but he is not unchanged, and he is not without fluctuations. There is no point in simply being in the shrine. His goal is not to help others. It is more like optimizing the text when he encounters typos in a paragraph of an article. As long as the article is smooth, he does not care where the article will eventually go.
The young man was following his judgment and distorting his logic, but he did not show much aggression. Ayatsuji Yukito didn't think that he would escape. Sengenmaku was often quite sincere and even hoped very much that someone could see through his soul.
Is it because it pricked Qian Jianmu's blind spot when he himself didn't even feel it, which caused a chain of conditioned reflexes? So when exactly was his self-preservation instinct triggered?
He hurriedly pushed open the wooden door of his room, raised his head slightly, and in the dim light, his eyes seemed to be attracted and looked straight at the puppet that Chijianmu had made for him personally.
…
Found it.
He thought,
What Chigenmaku was avoiding was his own past.
And the beginning of all stories is writing.
For some reason, he is writing about his past.
And the beginning of all stories is that he wants to write.
It’s not that there is no communication with the world. Writing is a way to communicate with the world. When he writes, he has already opened a window, leaving a shadow that can be caught and seen.
It just takes time and more events.
——There is no need for Chimamaku’s opinion, because Ayatsuji Yukito considers himself to be an absolutely extreme egoist.
Now it seems that the book in the shrine was a strange and amusing omen.
Although this answer did not bring about any substantial changes, Ayatsuji Yukito still breathed a sigh of relief.
That's good. That's good.
Despite some holes,
But he found the bag that caught the wind.
Don't get me wrong, he doesn't care about the thousand doors, he just wants to solve a mystery like a detective.
This was one of the few puzzles in his life where no one would die after solving it.
When he solves a case, he never cares about the murderer's mood, and this time is no exception.
**
【
Loving someone is a human gift.
I don't have that talent.
I have experienced the despicable love of my boss, I have witnessed the sympathetic love of others, and I have experienced the painful love of my lover.
My boss wants to hurt my body, others want to satisfy themselves by saving me, and my lover wants to kill my heart with love.
I didn't detect any love in their behavior.
That is not love, that is a bloody and complacent hurt.
…
…
What finally prompted me to leave the army was my teacher.
It is difficult for me to explain her love. She has been my teacher since the very beginning. I tolerate her behavior as much as possible because she has no reason to hurt me, and she does not have the strength or ability to hurt me.
That's why I chose to leave the army instead of killing her.
Of course, as I said, I am not a psychopath, nor am I a murderer.
There were many things I didn't care too much about, such as changing my commander's transfer application to a military doctor application, arranging the safest but dirtiest war zone for me, and introducing me to a lover I didn't love. I tried my best to pretend that there was no trace of these things and took them for granted as my own choice.
But the moment I learned that she had intercepted my discharge application without authorization and submitted a leave application for me instead. To be honest, my patience had reached its limit and I wanted to kill her.
Her love for me is just too much and I hate it when anyone hurts me in any way.
Her love for me has become a kind of confinement and oppression.
This is the fourth kind of love I know. I call it the love of the ruler, also known as the love of the elders.
Don't say she is doing this for my own good. I am very calm. Oppression in the name of love is not love at all. What she called love was to let me feel the love she simulated, to let me walk the way she liked, and to let me complete my life according to her plan.
Domineering, coercive, no respect, only control, only a fool would beautify this as love.
Even if it is wrapped in a sad and gentle shell, even if it expresses sweet words of love full of persuasion, it is not love. That is a sugar-coated blade that is more terrifying than hatred.
That is not love, that is pain and hurt.
From beginning to end, I have never seen pure love.
All love brings with it the unintentional and unconscious harm.
All love contains conspiracy and scheming.
The person who gives love doesn’t care whether the person being loved feels pain or not. The person being loved feels that love can relieve pain.
This is so funny, what kind of logic is this?
I am a loveless and painless person. I am born to hate pain and to reject love.
If you have to fall in love with something to be free...
"Lilith, I don't love you."
I said:
"But if I have to choose a kind of existence to define this inexplicably necessary existence—"
I love myself.
——"I love myself."
Only I can protect me.
——"I will always protect me."
I won't hurt me.
——"If I hurt myself."
…
——"Then give it up."
I will remain vigilant.
Always awake, always sharp.
The coexistence of love and pain is never justified, and the words that bind love and pain together are the most vicious remarks in the world. Those must be the sweet words that the perpetrator said to comfort the victim before committing his evil deeds.
No harm is taken for granted, and no harm can be wrapped in love. If I must survive with love mixed with pain, if even my self will hurt myself, then I will abandon that useless self and dig out the rotten emotions and pain!
I don't want to be deceived.
I don't want to deceive myself.
I don't want a honey trap! !
I want to protect my soul, I want to protect my safety, and I want to live seriously!
I reject and hate such a disgusting and ugly life! ! !
--forever! forever! ! !
Love and Pain - Part 8 - Excerpt
】
**
"Chuya, there is a man in the Port Mafia who is looking for Aramachi. His special ability is space-related. He is a refugee from the explosion, but he is in a state of amnesia and can't remember what happened."
In the end, Qianjianmu told Chuuya about this matter directly. He believed that Chuuya would not act rashly. Just as he expected, Chuuya did not act rashly after receiving the news. Instead, he was silent for a long time and then suddenly called him.
"Maku-kun, do you think writing a book can cure amnesia? Or find the answer or something?"
Thousands of curtains:?
Is it true that everything will be fine if you just write a book? Is it still possible to play like this?
He was stunned for a moment, and suddenly realized what Chuuya wanted to do. He thought about it and replied with a smile:
“Of course, writing a book is everything.”
No matter whether it can be done or not, no one has ever succeeded anyway. If I say it can be done, then it can be done.
**
Mori Ogai's position was determined in a strange balance amid the storm.
Many Mafioso respect not a person but a position, and when he inherits the name, although they may have doubts, a small number of people will choose to continue to follow suit.
That’s the power of one fifth.
Ozaki Koha is an extra fifth, but because of what she represents and the connections she's involved with, she alone accounts for almost two-fifths of the capacity.
Three-fifths of the support was not much, but after Lan Tang succeeded one of the five major cadres with his absolute fighting power, the one-fifth that Lan Tang controlled half of was also increased.
Seven tenths, seventy percent.
It is not comprehensive enough and there are still considerable risks, but it is enough for Moriogai to operate for a period of time.
The biggest problem currently facing the Port Mafia is the funds, which have become extremely scarce due to the squandering of previous generations. Although the Yokohama Mafia is generally poor, the port mafia, which is the most arrogant, is even poorer.
The expenses of the huge grassroots personnel, wages, maintenance costs, weapons costs, smuggling costs, social expenses for smoothing relations with the government, and so on, in short, it is an astronomical figure that the port mafia cannot afford.
Mori Ogai, who took over the mess, could only enjoy the pain in the joy of completing the first step of the plan. He ordered the sale of helicopters, redundant cars, unnecessary large-caliber ammunition, and many heavy weapons that were not used at all, and he managed to barely maintain the majesty of the five buildings. However, the consequence is that the guns currently equipped to the grassroots employees are the last ones, and if they are lost or broken, the port mafia has no money to replace them, and can only use kitchen knives to chop each other.
In fact, the port mafia had just cut a large number of uniforms a few days ago, enough for the port mafia to replace for one or two years. He has already begun to sincerely praise and thank his predecessors. It was great, otherwise they would have no way to change their pants when they were torn, and if there was no uniform, the port mafia would be completely disgraced. Thank you, my ancestor, for not only dying at the right time, but also leaving the last bit of face for the Hong Kong black fans.
Oh yes, because of the endless assassinations of the new leader by the outside world and because there were too many people and equipment to protect the leader’s office, Mori Ogai didn’t even work in the Hong Kong 1 Black Building, but ran out to work in the old clinic, which made people cry.
But maybe it was because Mori Ogai had done too many bad things, or maybe it was just raining cats and dogs, or maybe people couldn't help but worry about it, or maybe this kind of storm was bound to come sooner or later, and so on, when Mori Ogai was leading the black people of Hong Kong in the arduous task of revival, the predecessor, was resurrected?
This was really unexpected. Mori Ogai didn't think there were ghosts in this world, so the only possibility was that someone was behind it.
Even so, he didn't think that someone who could use such a method to cause trouble had any ability. Mori Ogai's mission was to maintain the stability of Hong Kong No. 1 Black and quell the rumors that made people panic, and the main force was handed over to that student Dazai Osamu who was idle all day long and talked about cats and dogs. He had clearly removed the labels of the clinic's drugs and put away the scalpels, but he could still accurately find the pressor and antihypertensive drugs among them.
And Dazai Osamu? He found it extremely amusing.
He almost forgot about his days at the shrine, but if he thought about it carefully, many things were shamefully clear. He clearly remembered that the shrine had never hidden anything for him, and that the Sengenmaku cared less about his life and death than he did. If he died, they would retrieve his body, and if he was alive, they would continue to live. The overall attitude was very bad, and he really didn't die.
But Mori Ogai is a very interesting person. It’s not that he is interesting as a person, but his attitude towards Dazai Osamu.
Is he a cold man, yes.
But Dazai Osamu didn't think he was really completely cold-hearted.
Although he said that he would give him a painless poison when the time came, he was just using it to hang him up and do the work. He would only do two out of ten tasks, and Mori Ogai himself was not in a hurry.
On weekdays, he seemed to take his life and death very calmly, but all the dangerous items in the clinic disappeared, the bottles of medicines were carefully changed and the labels were removed, sharp objects were carefully placed and even put in locked cabinets. He practiced his lock-picking skills well, but when he opened the door, he found that it was most likely a trick to tease him.
The only thing that was carelessly placed in the clinic was probably the bandages, which would be replaced with new ones after they were used. Mori Ogai obviously didn't have much money, but he didn't complain much about his waste. He just prepared the things indulgently, as if he didn't take it to heart at all.
If we attribute this behavior to the fact that he could not die easily because he testified for Mori Ogai, then this behavior has been going on since the beginning.
If it is said that Mori Ogai had ill intentions and had planned it in advance, the witness could also be Alice. No one in Hong Kong knew about his special abilities, and with a little effort, he could conceal his abilities more safely.
If Mori Ogai was impressed by his special abilities, wow, how much he must have valued them to tolerate him becoming a thorn in his power structure.
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