Chapter 87 I forgive you.


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Chapter 87 I forgive you.

Since that day, this child has always been following me.

I can’t tell whether it’s hatred or deep love. When he looks at me, I can always taste a sense of brokenness.

I no longer do dirty work.

The economic downturn was one of the reasons, but more importantly, every time he followed me to work, he looked like he was about to cry.

I can't stand it.

He became eerily quiet, making no sound, like a little tail. But when I needed weapons or tools, he would hand them to me with a focused look, as if he regarded me as very important.

A passerby asked me, are you family?

I said, it’s an enemy.

Waving our hands, we left in the wind and snow, wearing our snow coats, under his surprised gaze.

It’s really cold in winter.

Later, something unexpected happened. He wanted to save a man, but he didn't expect that a knife capable of killing and robbing was waiting in the shadows.

I had anticipated this kind of scene, but it happened suddenly and the knife accidentally stabbed me in the abdomen.

It doesn't hurt much, but it won't kill you.

But he cried so miserably, like a broken crystal, and his whole body was about to shatter into pieces all over the ground.

I told him some stories about his father and me.

It's funny, my existence has a lot to do with his father.

Legend has it that the Red Family rose up suddenly on the border, forcefully unified the rebellious groups, and forced the government to change its policies. They never really fight a deadly battle with the government, but instead walk on the edge and keep exerting pressure.

For this country that has not needed war for a long time, the poison of interests has become so deep that there is no cure. The rebels had to be defeated, so they began to rack their brains to win back the city.

They studied the opponent's personnel composition and found that the members of the Red Family possessed extremely high talents in warfare. In fact, the government had an advantage in terms of soldier composition and weapons supply, but the commander's vision could overwhelm all careful arrangements or early advantages. In order to deal with them, the desperate government began to forcibly train commander-type talents.

So I was born.

I am their weapon and their eternal enemy. As long as I exist, we will fight to the death.

Then the child opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something but hesitated, and his beautiful red eyes drooped deeply.

I asked him what he wanted to say, and he gave me an ugly smile and said:

"I just think that this project has been going on for thirty-seven years."

...He was right, this plan had been going on for a long, long time.

My predecessors have fought one after another, and my successors have fought one after another, but the reason why I am wanted now is only because I am the only one left.

Then he asked me again, why did I want to leave the government?

Why?

I said this question was boring because it could be equated with why the plan was stopped.

The plan was stopped because a madman blew up the training camp after his friend died, and wiped out the existence of all the teachers who witnessed his growth.

All the people who witnessed his life have gone, and all that remains are paper information and some insignificant, shallow impressions.

I still remember that day, it was a smoky gray morning, silver-gray technological tools were embedded in the lead-gray stone walls, and the distance was also a dull gray, but the green leaves of the short trees struggled out from the gray curtain and trembled in the wind.

The hand holding the cigarette couldn't help shaking. In the chat box, there was a message notifying me that the execution was over. A moment later, layers of questions to me threatened to explode my brain. But even so, if I want to go back, I can go back.

When a person's value is far above everything else, his or her human nature will be studied and calculated in turn. I guess my rampage was also within their predictions.

It is precisely because they think they can bear the consequences of my anger that they take things from me unscrupulously.

Because I had nowhere to go, they were convinced that my anger didn't matter.

At that moment, I felt extremely disgusted by the past decade or so, as if I had eaten a large mouthful of fresh flesh and blood.

Obey those who don't want to obey, consciously become a puppet, be complacent with your own honor, and find your "self" in the fear of others.

At this moment, it is too late. My honor and "self" have been distorted and transformed into a bizarre and terrifying nightmare.

In the cold morning wind, many children with dust or blood on their faces stood in the open space. In fact, these children are all future military commanders. They are trained to be calm and cautious, and even if they are confused, they keep it in their hearts. Despite being in the same area, they never came close to each other and kept a distance of three meters from each other.

As a hero and a model student, my behavior was shocking, so these teenagers looked bewildered and they didn't even dare to point guns at me. The smart children looked solemn because they knew the future, while the stupid children were furious because their teacher had died.

They didn't understand the thing that I realized later -

If you act like a good child, you will not be able to fly anywhere.

Before your heart is worn out, break free from the world's control. Don't wait until disaster strikes before you repent. What's gone will never come back, and glory will eventually turn to mud.

Also, there were no locks on the railings, and the ropes holding us were not as indestructible as we had imagined.

But I didn't say anything. When the cigarette burned out, they saluted me and turned and ran away.

The boys ran towards the morning light, and I was left behind.

“I think, in the end, we are searching for the meaning of existence.”

At that time, this sentence suddenly popped up in my mind, but I forgot where I saw it.

Amid the buzzing of the drone behind me, it seemed as if many people were talking in my mind. A lot of things came to my mind at that moment. I lit a new cigarette and looked up at the dark sky. It seemed that the world was very noisy, and yet terrifyingly quiet.

It was such a quiet grand occasion.

My wanted warrant began with that overly crazy explosion. The simultaneous collapse of thirteen government agencies resulted in an unprecedented and unparalleled wanted warrant for me.

I forgot what I was thinking when I crushed the phone, but I remember that I felt very relaxed and empty at that time, and it wouldn’t matter if I died on the spot. But I couldn't die yet, and that sense of ease turned into pain. I walked around the short trees and the fire on them, and stepped on my own fresh blood on the ground. In the endless blankness of black and white, I saw several young men showing me the way.

Yes, yes, you guys ran, and ran so fast, now it’s my turn.

However, this escape, which was delayed by ten years, was not as interesting as imagined.

I once complained secretly to myself, but unfortunately I got used to silence later.

Exhaustedly moving forward in uncertainty, over time I forget everything except trying to live as much as possible and finding an opportunity to die properly.

When I think back later on why I did that, all I remember is the pain in my chest that made it hard to breathe.

Even the original intention of finding the meaning of life was distorted in the end, and life was a mess, but even the sense of pain became extremely dull.

Maybe I was running in the wrong direction and accidentally lost my way. But how can I catch up with the past ten years, overcome the dents of history, turn around and start running with those children?

"You're obviously not wrong, why, why don't you take revenge on them?" He grabbed my wrist tightly, and I could even feel the resonance of our blood through his overly tense flesh.

What did he think of me? Am I, the one who killed his father, still a good person in his heart?

"There's nothing I can do. It's all over." I gently pushed his hand away and looked into his eyes. I saw his body tense as if he was about to run away or attack. Under his incredulous gaze, I looked at the fire outside the window.

But there is nothing to lose and nothing to be afraid of.

"Look, this country is fucked."

The moment he realized that what I said was true, he suddenly trembled. I had seen him collapse countless times, but this time I felt his fear. It was so urgent and suffocating that I even heard a low moan in his throat that he himself was not aware of.

He was so tense that his teeth even made a horrible noise when grinding against each other. I realized belatedly that he was afraid for my future.

Having lost his past and unable to find his future, he became an incomprehensible existence in this world. He was terrified by the bone-gnawing emptiness and silence.

"You refuse to change, continue with the past, and wait for anyone's judgment. Aren't you taking everything on yourself? Don't you think you can't be saved?"

He bit the inner wall of his mouth, blood spread to the corner of his lips, and his eyes looked at me with complicated expressions. He grabbed my wrist tightly, and his eyes were terrifyingly firm:

"I want to save you."

He said, let’s make a deal.

He will bring me a new world, the resistance will bring everything new. He and I made a promise that before he died, I would try to ignore those people who died without being able to distinguish between love and hate, the past that could not define his own existence, the pain of taking the wrong path after growing up ignorantly, and the numbness and cruelty that came from self-force.

Like a completely new person.

It was really scary. He said a lot of things angrily:

“You always say that you can’t have a normal life, but you’ve been trying. You want to write, and you’ve actually been doing it.

You even saved me and taught me how to survive. You don't need any reasons to save me. How are you going to admit that you just wanted to do it? "

"I've been confused ever since you took me to kill someone. You were doing good things, but you had to act like this. Coward! You just don't think you deserve to do anything good.

In fact, my father likes you very much. He doesn’t blame you, and I don’t blame you either. No one cares what you do. "

He said that his father actually always liked me. The battlefield is a battlefield and there can be no mercy, but privately, he has always been paying attention to me, like another child.

If my manipulated life is a sin, then should he also be blamed for the root of all sin, the sin of trying to change the country but failing to make up his mind, which resulted in countless children's lives being distorted and interrupted over the past 37 years, the soldiers who died in the wars and the broken families, and the sea of ​​blood and corpses? We all know it, but we can't help it.

He was getting angry and started crying again:

"I want to hate you, but the night before my father died, he told me not to blame you. He said that you were forced by the world to make this choice. It's not your fault, nor is it anyone else's fault."

"I won't kill you, but just think of it as for me and him, to make it up to me, and don't live so sadly, okay?"

So scary.

The kitten roared like a lion.

I looked at him for a while. Actually, I was not quite sure what I looked like normally, and how miserable I was to make a child pity me.

In fact, I fell into a long period of blankness and silence afterwards. I didn’t think about anything, and I didn’t feel happy or sad.

He wrote the notes for that day, but I didn't read them.

I waited until the words faded before I opened the page again.

He wrote:

"Anything you do to protect others can be forgiven."

"If you see this, no matter what happens in the future, I forgive you."

"I allow you to forget the past and live your life like an ordinary person."

——Excerpt from "Meaningless Literature" Part 4

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