At school, I felt like splitting every minute into two. I was terrified that my four years would be wasted, that I wouldn't live up to my dreams. Fortunately, four years later, I successfully graduated from the provincial medical school. Full of energy and ambition, I turned down a job offer at the hospital affiliated with the provincial medical school, determined to return home.
Many people said I was stupid at the beginning, but they didn’t know what I had been through.
There are plenty of doctors in hospitals in big cities, but in my hometown, a rural area near the sea, no doctors are willing to come. I don't want to see people die from illness one after another. So, I came.
Since arriving at the military hospital, I've been assigned to the emergency department. I had a teacher there to guide me, and things were going well at first. But after that incident, nothing went my way. Even the skills and knowledge I was so proud of became a joke, and I became a joke myself.
I know everyone in the hospital is laughing at me behind my back, laughing at me for not being a man, laughing at me for not being able to stand up straight, laughing at me for not letting go, laughing at me for being hesitant, laughing at me for being weak. But they don't know that I also want to stand up with dignity, and I have thought about the hurdle in my heart, but I can't get over it.
Every time I picked up the scalpel, I would think of my teacher and that accident. So slowly, I became weak, I gave in, and I compromised with myself.
During the years I spent at the military hospital, apart from the initial burst of glory, the following years were filled with darkness and gloom. I didn't know where I should go, nor did I know where I should go. I was lost.
Afterward, I just stayed in the cardiothoracic surgery department, doing the clerical work that everyone hated. Actually, I really hated clerical work. I wasn't as fame-seeking as they said, but I didn't know what else I could do besides doing that tedious work. I wanted to stay in the hospital. I didn't want to quit. I didn't want to be a jerk.
I also hope that I can get the answer to my inner feelings from those annoying jobs, but I haven't, not even once." As he spoke, Dr. Qian's face flushed and his hands trembled uncontrollably.
Xu Zhiyi listened to Dr. Qian talking about the first half of his life. He was a young man who entered university life with great expectations, a young man who had just graduated from medical school with great ambitions, and a young man who worked diligently in the hospital. However, unfair fate made him encounter medical disputes.
He began to become decadent and weak, even beginning to despise himself, then slowly accepted and compromised, but deep down he was struggling with the contradictions of this young man. Now he saw a glimmer of hope in his eyes and wanted to desperately grasp it, but deep down he was wondering if he could make it. Could he make it?
Xu Zhiyi listened carefully to Dr. Qian's irrelevant words and felt sad in his heart.
Xu Zhiyi patted Dr. Qian on the shoulder and said, "It's not your fault. You tried your best. I know you want to change, but it's not just a matter of thinking. You need to defeat yourself.
If you can't even overcome yourself, it's useless for anyone to help you.
I've heard your story before, and I've listened to you. I feel really sorry for your experience. I feel sorry that you didn't meet your mentor when you had a better time, and I feel sorry that you gave up on yourself.
"Dr. Zhang, why did he make this bet with you? I believe you know it, and everyone knows it. They all want you to cheer up, to forget what happened before, and hope that you will not betray their trust in you."
Doctor Qian slapped himself desperately, saying, "I know, I know everything. But Director, can I do it?" After saying that, Doctor Qian looked up at Xu Zhiyi in confusion.
Xu Zhiyi spoke slowly, "Ask yourself this question: Do you think you can do it? Do you think you can overcome your previous weakness? Your previous fear? Can you stand on the operating table and perform surgery on the patient again? Do you think you can do it?"
"If you think you can do it, then please think it over carefully and come back to me." After that, Xu Zhiyi opened the door and left, leaving Dr. Qian alone in the ward.
As soon as Xu Zhiyi opened the door, she saw Qin Zheng standing there. She stepped forward, took Qin Zheng's hand, and together they returned to the office. Meanwhile, in the office, besides Xiao Zhao and the nurse on duty, there was also Doctor Li.
Xu Zhiyi asked in confusion, "Why are you here? Didn't I tell you that I can handle it here tonight? Besides, if I can't do it alone, Xiao Zhao and Doctor Qian are here. We don't need so many people. You should go back and rest."
Doctor Li quickly replied, "Director, I can't go back. My dad insisted on coming to the hospital tonight for the night shift for some reason. He's so old, how can I not come?"
Xu Zhiyi smiled inwardly. It wasn't that your father insisted on working the night shift; the director was probably worried something might happen tonight, so he kept the elderly patient. He was also worried about you. After all, this was your first major surgery, and he was afraid anything might go wrong, so he came to watch over you.
Xu Zhiyi said helplessly: "Well, since you are all here, just stay here." After that, Xu Zhiyi arranged shifts for several people.
Dr. Li and Dr. Qian stayed for the first half of the night, while Xu Zhiyi and Xiao Zhao stayed for the second half.
Doctor Li nodded, puzzled: "Director, where is Doctor Qian? Why didn't I see Doctor Qian? Where did he go?"
"Doctor Qian, he's busy and will be here soon."
Dr. Li nodded and continued to listen to Xu Zhiyi assign tasks.
Xu Zhiyi gave Xiao Zhao some brief instructions and then sent her to the lounge to rest. She and Qin Zheng also went to a vacant ward to rest.
As soon as everyone left, Dr. Qian came into the office with his red and swollen eyes.
Doctor Li saw what was wrong with Doctor Qian and stepped forward and said, "Brother Qian, what's wrong with you?"
Dr. Li and Dr. Qian graduated from the same medical school, but in different grades.
Doctor Qian waved his hand. "It's okay. By the way, why are you here?"
Dr. Li repeated what he had just said to Dr. Qian again.
Doctor Qian smiled and said, "Okay, since you're here, I'll leave it to you tonight."
"Okay, Brother, if you feel uncomfortable, just go and rest. I'm here. But Brother, if there's anything I can't handle, I'll call you."
Doctor Qian paused and said, "Forget it. I'll just stay at my desk for a while and wait for the director and Xiao Zhao to take over the shift later that night."
Doctor Li looked at Doctor Qian with a smile, muttering to himself, "I'm tired after a whole day. I didn't go to rest, and you're not allowed to go either." This is how I feel at peace.
In this way, Dr. Li and Dr. Qian sat at their respective desks, and no one knew what they were doing. All they could hear was Dr. Qian's sighs echoing in the office and even wandering outside the department corridor.
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