Confused
It had been two days since he returned from Shilong Town. Gu Yansheng sat in the corner of the cafeteria, mechanically stirring the food on his plate with a spoon. The aroma of the food seemed unable to penetrate the invisible barrier he had built, and it tasted like chewing wax.
His fingertips unconsciously stroked the edge of the plate, but his thoughts were like a wild horse, running uncontrollably back to that rainy night in Shilong Town and back to Jiang Lin's narrow single bed.
When the burning, rash-covered skin on his back suddenly touched Jiang Lin's cool and rough palm, that shudder... that electric shock-like feeling, a mixture of great discomfort and strange comfort, was clearly imprinted on his nerve endings.
Jiang Lin's fingers were covered with thin calluses, and the roughness was infinitely magnified in his extremely sensitive state. Every movement was like igniting a tiny spark, which was both burning and... addictive.
They were already adults, and as an adult, Jiang Lin had always comforted him through his clothes, not like that night...
“Pah.”
The spoon accidentally hit the edge of the plate, making a crisp sound, which woke Gu Yansheng from his trance. He suddenly came back to his senses, his heart beating uncontrollably in his chest, and his ears felt slightly hot.
He closed his eyes tightly, as if trying to drive away those inappropriate and taboo images and touches.
He couldn't think... He had to work well. He forced himself to focus on the experimental data to be analyzed in the afternoon, trying to fill all the gaps with cold numbers and logic.
However, the strange feeling left on my back by the big palm was like a stubborn water stain that always spread out inadvertently.
On the phone, he and Jiang Lin seemed to have fallen into a tacit silence, and the dialog box stopped at last Sunday night.
Gu Yansheng: [Arrived home safely.]
Jiang Lin: [Yeah.]
A single "hmm" stood like a cold boundary marker between the two of them. Gu Yansheng didn't know what to say, and Jiang Lin...he had never been the type to initiate conversation.
After that night, everything seemed subtle and untouchable.
The bell rang, and Gu Yansheng packed up his things and walked out of the institute, exhausted. The afterglow of the setting sun was a bit dazzling.
"Brother Gu!" a clear voice came. Lin Yang stood at the door with a gentle smile on his face. "Are you free tonight? I'd like to treat you to dinner and ask you some questions about spectral analysis."
Gu Yansheng was about to decline politely when another more familiar and more assertive voice interrupted him.
"Hey! Little Gu Gu! You miss your dad so much!"
Gu Yansheng looked in the direction of the voice, his eyes instantly lit up "Xinchen?!"
Jiang Xinchen had short flax-gray hair, wore ripped jeans and a fancy graffiti T-shirt, and was dragging a small suitcase. He stood there exhausted but full of energy, opened his arms and gave Gu Yansheng a big bear hug.
"Surprised? Unexpected? I've been on a business trip for three months and finally made it back alive!" He patted Gu Yansheng's back hard.
Gu Yansheng was shaken by the sudden enthusiasm, and then he was extremely surprised. "Why are you here? You didn't even tell me!"
"Is it still a surprise?" Jiang Xinchen let go of him and raised his eyebrows to look at Lin Yang beside him. "Who is this handsome boy?"
"Oh, this is Lin Yang, a colleague from our research institute." Gu Yansheng introduced, "Lin Yang, and this is my high school classmate, Jiang Xinchen."
Lin Yang looked at the familiar and intimate posture of the two, his eyes flickered slightly, and then he showed a very decent smile. "Hello, Mr. Jiang. Brother Gu, since your friend is here, I won't bother you. We can discuss the questions another day, and you can have a good time together."
He was very considerate and took the initiative to leave.
"sensible!"
Jiang Xinchen gave Lin Yang a thumbs-up, then put his arm around Gu Yansheng's shoulders and said, "Let's go, I'm starving! Let's go to the old food stall! You have to welcome me!"
In the bustling food stall, the fumes of cooking oil mingled with the malty aroma of beer. Jiang Xinchen took a long swig of his ice-cold beer and began to complain bitterly, "...That crappy project! The client is a complete jerk! Changing the requirements is like flipping through a book! I almost died of exhaustion in the southern plum rains!"
After he finished complaining about his work, he instantly switched to excitement mode and took out his phone. "Oh right! I have something good to show you! This new comic I'm following is amazing!"
His fingers quickly clicked on a link, and he leaned closer to Gu Yansheng mysteriously, "A pair of childhood sweethearts! Orthopedics... Ugh, fake orthopedics! The tension is so high! A cold and stuffy doctor as the top, a sunny and energetic designer as the bottom! A perfect match! I've sent you the link, and you must show it to me when you get home tonight! I guarantee you'll be hooked!"
Gu Yansheng was stunned for a moment, then accepted the link with a helpless smile, "Okay, okay, I'll go back and take a look."
He felt that the characters were somewhat familiar, but the enthusiastic Jiang Xinchen would not give him time to think blankly...
After a few beers, the atmosphere became more lively. Jiang Xinchen suddenly put down the skewers and poked the screen of Gu Yansheng's mobile phone on the table with his greasy fingers. The interactive interface of his and Jiang Lin's two Moments was still on it.
"Hello,"
Jiang Xinchen leaned closer, lowering his voice, his voice full of gossip and certainty, "Tell me the truth, you and Jiang Bingkuai... have you finally broken through that window paper and achieved a happy ending?"
He pointed at the two replies, "The mountain god will punish disobedient children" and "That mountain god is also a soft-hearted god," and his eyes lit up surprisingly. "This interaction, this atmosphere! I can smell the sour stench of love through the screen!"
"Pfft!" Gu Yansheng nearly choked on the beer in his mouth. His face flushed instantly and he waved his hands repeatedly, "What nonsense are you talking about! What window paper! Jiang Lin... he's straight! A straight man! We are... we are brothers who grew up together! You are a lesbian and you look at people as gay!"
The confidence on Jiang Xinchen's face instantly turned into astonishment, followed by an indescribable expression...
He looked Gu Yansheng up and down, his eyes complicated as if he was looking at a piece of rotten wood. He curled his lips and said, "Not together yet?" He drew out his words, with a hint of disappointment in his friend, "Tsk... Okay, okay." He rolled his eyes, as if he was too lazy to say anything more, and raised his head to take another big gulp of wine.
This topic seemed to remind him of something. Jiang Xinchen's mood dropped a little. He swirled the ice in his wine glass and said, "By the way, Xiaoyou and I broke up."
Gu Yansheng was stunned. "Ah? Broken up? Why? Weren't things going well before?"
Jiang Xinchen forced a nonchalant smile, but there was no smile in his eyes. "She found her true type, a very cool T. She said she found that she seemed to like girls more."
He paused, his voice lowering. "Actually, I'm... not that sad. Because... I've also discovered that I don't seem to like girls that much. Or rather, I tried hard, but it just doesn't feel right."
He raised his head and looked at Gu Yansheng, his eyes showing a rare honesty and a hint of confusion. "We talked about it, and we both felt that... forcing ourselves to live according to other people's expectations is too tiring. The eyes of our family? Fuck the shackles. In life, we must... follow our hearts, right? Even if that road is difficult."
Jiang Xinchen's words were like a stone thrown into a calm lake, causing huge ripples in Gu Yansheng's heart.
"Follow your heart"… those words weighed heavily on him. What about him? Where did his "heart" point to? That rainy night, the burning sensation and longing lingering on his back… what was that? Would he dare to "follow"?
He subconsciously stroked the screen of his mobile phone, his fingertips lingering on the dialog box with only one word "hmm".
The night was deep, and the city's neon lights shone through the gaps in the curtains, casting shifting shadows on the wall.
Gu Yansheng lay in bed, unable to sleep. Jiang Xinchen's words, the link to the childhood sweetheart comic, and... Jiang Lin's eyes, suppressed by the storm, and his scorching hands on that rainy night in Shilong Town, repeatedly intertwined and collided in his mind.
An unprecedented feeling of depression, a mixture of confusion, longing and vague fear, enveloped him.
For some unknown reason, he picked up his cell phone and dialed the number he knew by heart.
The phone rang several times before it was connected.
"Hello."
Jiang Lin's voice came through the receiver, with a hint of hoarseness and the same coldness as always. The background was extremely quiet. It was obvious that the night in Shilong Town had already fallen asleep.
"Jiang Lin..." Gu Yansheng opened his mouth, only to find that his voice was a little muffled, with a sense of depression that he himself did not even notice.
"Yeah." Jiang Lin responded, as if waiting for the next words.
"Nothing...it's just...the research institute has taken on a new project, and the data is a bit complicated..." Gu Yansheng randomly picked a topic about work and spoke a little quickly, trying to hide his true emotions.
There was silence on the other end of the phone for a few seconds. Then, Gu Yansheng heard a very slight "rustling" sound as the tip of a pen scraped across paper.
The voice was very familiar - it was Jiang Lin writing, perhaps looking at a case or taking notes. This subtle, regular sound, as if carrying some kind of magic, instantly penetrated the barriers of space and brought Gu Yansheng back to his student days.
At that time, they were doing their homework side by side, and the sound of Jiang Lin's pen hitting the paper was so steady and confident, it was the most reassuring background sound in his world.
Gu Yansheng's tense nerves strangely relaxed a little at the familiar rustling sound. He stopped talking and just listened quietly.
The sound of the pen sliding continued, without interruption or urging. Jiang Lin was silently accompanying the person on the other end of the phone, who was clearly in a bad mood.
After a long while, just when Gu Yansheng thought Jiang Lin would remain silent, the rustling sound stopped.
Jiang Lin's voice rang out again, clearer than before, and he seemed to have changed into a more comfortable posture. "For work matters, just follow the procedures and don't overthink it."
He paused, as if weighing his words, before he asked slowly, with a rare, guiding gentleness, "Or do you have anything else?"
This brief inquiry was like a key, gently prying open the tightly closed door of Gu Yansheng's heart. His fingers gripping the phone tightened, and the confusion lingering in his heart and the shock brought by Jiang Xinchen finally found a tiny outlet.
"...Xinchen is back." He whispered, "He...broke up with Xiaoyou." He paused again, as if mustering up his courage, "He said...they broke up because...they both discovered that they didn't seem to like the opposite sex. He said he wanted to be more free. Can he really be free?" He spoke the last few words very softly, with tentative uncertainty.
There was a long silence on the other end of the line. Only the faintest sound of breathing proved that Jiang Lin was still listening. That silence made Gu Yansheng's heart hang in the air.
Just when Gu Yansheng thought Jiang Lin would not respond, his voice rang out again, steady as a rock, without the slightest ripple, yet carrying a strange soothing power. "Gu Yansheng, there's no need to worry in advance."
Gu Yansheng held his breath.
Jiang Lin's voice continued to flow steadily, as if stating a simple fact. "When you truly meet that person... the one who makes you feel 'the one,' everything will have its answers. Overthinking now will only exhaust you. It's pointless."
Gu Yansheng's heart skipped a beat. Jiang Lin's wording was very cautious, not directly mentioning the gender, but the word "he"... was like a small stone thrown into the lake of his heart.
Then, Jiang Lin's voice paused for a very brief moment, but Gu Yansheng was able to clearly capture the blank space of a few tenths of a second.
Then, Jiang Lin added in a deeper, more determined tone, "Also, Uncle Gu and Auntie... they love you very much. Their greatest wish is for you to be safe and happy. As long as you are truly happy, they... won't make things difficult for you."
The last sentence was like a warm current, instantly dispelling the depression and confusion that had accumulated in Gu Yansheng's heart. Jiang Lin could always understand his fear from the words he didn't say.
He didn't need to point out his confusion directly, but just told him in a tone that was almost a promise - your parents love you, your choice will be respected, and your happiness is the most important.
"Rustle..." The sound of the pen tip sliding across the paper sounded softly again, as if the heavy conversation just now had never happened, but was just a natural continuation of the background sound.
Gu Yansheng held his cell phone and leaned against the head of the bed. His eyes felt inexplicably hot. The neon lights outside the window were still flashing, but the sea in his heart that was surging with the unknown and fear gradually calmed down with Jiang Lin's steady voice and regular writing.
"Hmm..." He responded softly, his voice filled with a sense of dependence and comfort that he himself hadn't noticed. "I understand. You... go to bed early."
"Yeah. You should go to bed early too." Jiang Lin's voice remained flat.
After hanging up the phone, Gu Yansheng put the phone against his chest, listening to his heartbeat gradually steadying. The reassuring "rustling" sound seemed to still echo in his ears, as well as Jiang Lin's low and firm words "I won't make things difficult for you."
In the darkness, his chaotic thoughts seemed to have finally found a harbor where they could temporarily rest. He knew that some of his emotions seemed to have begun to change...
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