Old Times
The hospital was closed for the holiday as usual, so Fang Huai called home in advance. The next day after the holiday, Li Xuan came to help Fang Huai pack his luggage.
Li Xuan arrived very early, carrying a lot of gifts in his hands.
Seeing what Li Xuan had prepared, Fang Huai frowned slightly. His gifts were far too expensive: alcohol, cigarettes, fine tea... This went beyond the normal norm for a younger generation visiting an elder; it felt more like a marriage proposal.
Thinking of this, he stopped Li Xuan from putting the gift into the back seat of the car.
"What's wrong?" Li Xuan looked back at his lover suspiciously. Seeing Fang Huai pursed his lips and seemed to be hesitant to speak, he immediately guessed what he was thinking.
Li Xuan stood up straight and couldn't help but reach out to rub Fang Huai's head. Fang Huai followed Li Xuan's movements, but he still didn't retract his hand that was blocking Li Xuan. "Li Xuan, these are too much and too valuable."
"I haven't been back for a long time. I wonder if my uncle and aunt still remember me? Could you please ask my boyfriend to wish them a happy new year on my behalf this time?" Li Xuan smiled and leaned close to Fang Huai's ear and said, "I'll visit them in person next time, using a different identity, okay?"
The originally obedient Fang Huai suddenly took a step back, his face hesitant, and he lowered his eyelids to hide the emotions in his eyes. Li Xuan's smile froze, but he then withdrew his empty hand and took the initiative to resolve the awkwardness between the two of them, "I was too impatient and scared you."
"No." Fang Huai realized that he had overreacted, and tried to explain: "I just... just felt that we..."
Li Xuan looked at him patiently. Fang Huai wanted to say something weakly, with a distressed expression.
Li Xuan looked at him patiently. Fang Huai bit his lower lip, his expression confused. Li Xuan was very kind to him. After he left the Fang family, Li Xuan helped him a lot. After he started working, the two of them naturally got together.
Li Xuan was his guide, his gentle older lover, but he was not yet ready to make Li Xuan a family member.
Fang Huai didn't know how to start. In the long silence, he whispered, "I'm sorry."
Fang Huai's thin shoulders slumped slightly, and as he lowered his head, his fair and slender neck leaned forward, revealing the bony protrusions on the back of his neck. At this moment, he looked like a lost crane, his clear eyes full of guilt.
He was apologizing again, as he always did for things like this. Li Xuan's eyes darkened and he lowered his head to look at Fang Huai.
Li Xuan suppressed the urge to embrace him, stood in front of Fang Huai, opened his arms, and cast a deep and gentle gaze on Fang Huai and said, "Hold me?"
He just stood there, looking at Fang Huai. Fang Huai hesitated and took a few steps forward to hug the man's waist. Li Xuan did not hug Fang Huai back.
Li Xuanna simply nudged Fang Huai's head with his chin and whispered, "Well, be careful. Say hello to the elders for me."
Before they parted, he repeated again: "Be careful and don't eat things you shouldn't eat, okay?"
Li Xuan's body temperature was transmitted to Fang Huai through the thin fabric, but he still felt cold. He glanced at the back seat of the car and squeezed out a "hmm" from his throat.
Fang Huai saw Li Xuan turning and leaving through the rearview mirror, and a sense of loss and regret surged in his heart. He should have said goodbye properly, but he messed things up again.
South City and North City are more than 250 kilometers apart, and it takes only two and a half hours to drive there. After graduating from high school, Fang Huai has walked there several times, but only more than twenty times in more than ten years, so he really can't remember the way.
The cold voice of the navigation system kept ringing, and the new route was replanned again and again. After driving for several hours, we finally arrived at the destination.
The car stopped downstairs in the residential complex. Fang Huai took a deep breath, picked up the gifts from the back seat and went upstairs. Standing in front of the familiar yet unfamiliar security door, he raised his hand to knock on the door and then put it down again. His hands, which were so comfortable in the operating room, were shaking.
Finally, Fang Huai raised his hand again, bent his fingers, and knocked on the iron door, making a dull sound.
Knock knock knock.
"Here I come."
"Lao Fang, go open the door." The adoptive mother's strong voice and hurried footsteps came from inside.
Hearing the noises inside, Fang Huai's palms were covered in sweat, and his heartbeat was like a drum, far exceeding its normal rate. He tried to calm his emotions and put on an impeccable smile.
"mom."
The security door opened from the inside, and the adoptive mother's excited smile was in front of her. "Didn't this child say he would be back on the 30th? Why is he back today..."
The woman's voice became lower and lower. Fang Huai stood in front of his adoptive mother, forcing a smile. He watched the emotions on his adoptive mother's face change, and saw her smile gradually stiffen, and finally become helpless and embarrassed.
The gift bag had tightened his hands until they turned white. Fang Huai politely emphasized, "It's me, not Fang Henian."
He Lijun, still holding the spatula in her hand, wiped her apron helplessly and said with a wry smile, "Mom knows. I'm back."
Fang Sijie, who arrived late in his slippers, said from behind with a smile, "He Nian probably wants to give you a surprise."
When he got closer and saw who was outside, he stopped talking and said, "It's Fang Huai. Why didn't you call me when you came back so we could help you with your luggage?"
As he took the things from Fang Huai's hand, he said, "Why did you buy so many things? They must be expensive, right?"
Fang Huai handed the gift to his adoptive father and said, "There's also something in there for Brother Li Xuan. He asked me to bring it back with him to say hello to you."
He was smiling, but his smile was bitter. Fang Huai's heart seemed to be tightly grasped by a pair of big hands, and his twisted blood vessels were twisted and tangled, filled with glaring blood clots.
I clearly told them yesterday that he would be back today, but they still made a mistake and mistook him for Fang Henian.
"Li Xuan?" Fang Sijie looked at his wife in confusion. He Lijun's expression was not very good as she reminded him, "He's the grandson of Professor Li who used to live in this neighborhood. He's the one who helped He Nian apply for college."
After hearing his wife's words, Fang Sijie finally recalled the man. He reluctantly said, "Now I remember. Young people are still too polite."
"Has he returned to Taipei? Let him come to our house for dinner when he's free."
Fang Huai bent down to change his shoes. "No, he's spending the New Year with his family in Taipei. We'll talk about it later when we have a chance."
"That's fine." The adoptive mother said angrily.
As Fang Huai entered the room, he heard his adoptive father say, "Your mother is about to cook. We'll have dinner soon."
The adoptive mother returned to the kitchen in silence. Fang Sijie helped Fang Huai carry the luggage from the car upstairs and said, "Your mother and I are too busy today."
The adoptive father poured Fang Huai a glass of water and said, "Your brother called during the day and said he would give us a surprise this year. We made a mistake."
"You know, your brother has always been unruly." Speaking of Fang Henan, his adoptive father smiled helplessly, "Your brother said before that he would come back on New Year's Eve. We are old and our memory is not good."
Fang Huai took the cup of water and placed his hands on the warm wall of the cup. His cold hands finally felt a little warmer. He smiled faintly and said, "It's okay."
The two were speechless. The adoptive father rubbed his hands helplessly and stammered, "We cleaned up your room last night and changed the quilt."
Fang Huai raised his head, a glint in his eyes, and said politely, "Thank you for your hard work."
When the adoptive father was about to say something, he was interrupted by the adoptive mother's voice calling for dinner. Fang Huai pretended not to see it and stood up to help serve the dishes. The three of them chatted idly at the table, usually the adoptive mother asked questions and Fang Huai answered.
When asked if Fang Huai had a boyfriend, he paused for a moment before answering nonchalantly, "Not yet."
"I'm busy with work and don't plan to have a relationship yet." Fang Huai remembered that the last time they parted on bad terms was because of this incident.
He glanced at his adoptive mother out of the corner of his eye. She looked normal, so he felt relieved.
Fang Huai subconsciously didn't want his parents to know about his love affair. As for the reason, he knew their personalities too well. Making the love affair public would lead to countless quarrels and strong "education".
It also means that Li Xuan will be classified as a family member from now on. In his memory, family means countless quarrels and arguments, shirking responsibilities at the top of one's voice and powerless compromise.
Lovers give you a much greater sense of security than family members.
The adoptive mother didn't care. She took out a stack of remittance slips from her apron pocket and placed them in the middle of the dining table. Fang Huai glanced at the remittance slips and chewed the food in his mouth as if nothing had happened.
"Tell me, how long have you been in touch?" He Lijun sat back with her arms folded, looking questioning. Fang Huai swallowed the food in his mouth and reached out to take the thick remittance slip.
His thin fingers slid across the remittance slip, and after making sure the amount was not missing, he put the remittance slip into his pocket, raised his eyelids and glanced at his adoptive mother. There was no guilt and helplessness in her eyes as He Lijun had expected, only calmness.
A calmness without waves, a calmness that is out of control.
"It's my sophomore year, and the remittance amount is the same as yours. It's become a habit."
Fang Huai pushed the bowl in front of him away, his tone flat, as if he was talking about something insignificant, "Don't worry, I don't have a real name."
“I haven’t contacted anyone from the welfare home privately.”
Fang Huai told them everything they wanted to ask and put away the remittance slip. He Lijun looked at Fang Sijie for help, but Fang Sijie just gestured for her to eat.
They all knew in their hearts that they could no longer control Fang Huai. The friendship between them, which was not deep to begin with, had been almost exhausted the year Fang Huai got into trouble. Now it was like the silk threads connected by the lotus root nodes, which might break in the next second.
Because of selfishness, Fang Huai was trapped in a family full of quarrels and indifference, completely marginalized, and became an awkward presence in the family.
In Fang Huai's senior year of high school, he was injured in an explosion while trying to protect Fang Henian. His thin back was covered in blood. Faced with the high cost of medical treatment, their guilt gradually turned into complaints and anger.
As parents, they watched helplessly as Fang Huai, with a severely infected wound and a high fever, walked out the door carrying a garbage bag. The moment the door closed, they breathed a sigh of relief. At that moment, they even felt fortunate that he had left on his own initiative, rather than being driven away by them.
People can always find countless excuses for their guilty consciences, but those explanations are so poor and disgusting.
If Li Xuan hadn't appeared, Fang Huai might have... Fang Huai wore turtlenecks year-round because of that incident. Even now, a hideous burn scar still remained on his back.
The bloody wounds healed into hideous scars. Their compensation and guilt were too late and too shallow, and instead became a cage that trapped Fang Huai.
He Lijun looked at her silent husband and calm adopted son, feeling a pang of frustration in her chest. She looked at Fang Huai's thin face, stood up and served him some food, "It's good that you know your limits. Eat more."
He Lijun always felt uncomfortable. Seeing the gifts piled up like a mountain in the living room, she complained, "Don't buy so many things in the future. We already have everything at home."
After saying that, he glanced at Fang Huai and said, "Forget it. Go see your grandma in a few days and bring some with you. I'll talk to her."
Fang Huai held the bowl in his hand and took the dish from He Lijun. He felt relieved knowing that the matter was over for the time being.
"Okay." Fang Huai agreed, raised his head and smiled at his adoptive mother.
"Um."
In the evening, Fang Huai and Li Xuan had a video chat. They tacitly agreed not to mention the unpleasant incident that morning. After washing up, Fang Huai lay on the bed and rambled to Li Xuan about what had happened that day.
He spoke in a flat tone about the stiff smiles on his parents' faces during the day and the remittance slip that made a loud noise when he slammed the dining table.
Fang Huai didn't realize that the smile on his face was far more forced than the "stiff" he described. He covered his face with a pillow, his hands tightly grasping the edge of the pillow, trying hard to adjust his mood.
After a long while, a muffled voice, even a bit childish, was heard, "Li Xuan, maybe I shouldn't have come back."
Li Xuan looked at Fang Huai quietly, his eyes filled with heartache. "What if..." He wanted to tell Fang Huai that if he was unhappy, could he come pick him up? But when the words were on the tip of his tongue, his mind told him: No.
This is not something an adult should do. At least, he shouldn't say such reckless words.
Fang Huai looked up at him, Li Xuan shook his head and said softly, "Nothing." Someone happened to call him, and Li Xuan told Fang Huai that he was going to help. When he came back, Fang Huai on the other end of the video had fallen asleep.
Fang Huai was very well behaved when he fell asleep. His handsome eyebrows were slightly frowned, and the corners of his eyes were red. I don’t know what he was dreaming about, but the corners of his mouth were turned down in grievance.
He wanted to get closer to take a closer look, but Fang Huai suddenly opened his eyes and looked towards the door despite his sleepiness, as if he was looking for someone.
"What's wrong?" Li Xuan's question brought him back to reality, and a hint of confusion flashed in Fang Huai's eyes.
Li Xuan: "If you're really sleepy, go to sleep. We can play again tomorrow."
"Li Xuan, I dreamed about Huaihua Welfare Home." Fang Huai was stunned for a moment, "I dreamed about a good friend I haven't contacted for a long time."
Generally, families who adopt children are reluctant to let their children have contact with welfare homes. Fang Huai's family is very special. It is not appropriate to say that they care about Fang Huai. If they say that they don't care, they will take out the remittance slip in the room to question him. It is contradictory and distorted, making people feel at a loss.
"Did your friends in the dream say hello to you?" Li Xuan asked as if coaxing a child.
Fang Huai regained consciousness from his hazy sleep, his brows relaxed, and his original depression dissipated. He said softly, "He smiled and told me that he would come back to see me."
"He also said he missed our time at the orphanage."
Li Xuan cooperated and said, "Would you like to share with me some interesting things that happened during that time?"
Fang Huai was completely awake. He sat up and told Li Xuan about his days in the welfare home. He couldn't help laughing when he talked about interesting things.
"I have a very good friend in the orphanage. He's very clingy and a bit of a scoundrel. The other kids in the orphanage call him the Little Bully."
"He helped me a lot. He was the one who took me back to the orphanage."
"I was a little awkward at the time and made a lot of embarrassing mistakes..."
Li Xuan lazily propped up his head with his hands, patiently listening to Fang Huai's words, and sighed: "You must have been very cute back then."
He could picture the chubby-cheeked three-year-old Fang Huai, standing at the entrance of the orphanage, clutching his doll, frightened and crying by a little boy falling from the low wall. Afraid of the dark yet stubborn, he'd quietly cry under his covers. Li Xuan's heart sank at the thought.
Li Xuan couldn't help but feel sorry. The year they met, Fang Huai was just six years old and Fang Henian was just born.
Because He Lijun suffered from postpartum depression, her mother came to help take care of the child. The old woman was very kind and always smiled at Fang Huai. She stuffed Fang Huai's small school bag full. With the school bag on her back, Fang Huai pushed the stroller out for a walk.
Fang Huai was allowed to go to the playground to play with his peers, but Fang Huai was much thinner than his peers and had a dull personality, so few children were willing to play with him.
Gradually, Fang Huai became unwilling to go. He stubbornly carried his schoolbag filled with milk powder and sat quietly next to the stroller.
Li Xuan, who came to his grandfather's house for the summer vacation, noticed little Fang Huai at that time. The child didn't cry or make a fuss, but just sat quietly by the flower bed. He wanted to touch the baby but shrank back and withdrew his hand, which made people feel distressed and pitiful. He was very puzzled at the time. He was obviously his younger brother, why didn't he dare to touch him?
But after meeting the child for the second time, he knew.
Encouraged by the old woman, the little boy gently touched the baby's cheek. Before the smile of surprise faded, he was met with a forceful slap from the woman. The disheveled woman snatched the child away, angrily spewing hurtful words. The child stood there in a daze, his cheeks red and swollen.
Everyone present was frightened by He Lijun at the time. They were all busy trying to comfort her. The little boy cowered in the corner as if he had done something wrong. Li Xuan, unable to bear it, picked him up and coaxed him softly, "It's okay, it's okay. Mom was just too anxious. She still loves you."
"My mother doesn't love me." The boy raised his pointed chin and said seriously, tears in his eyes, emphasizing: "She hates me."
It was difficult for Li Xuan to associate that desperate and stubborn child with the awkward and spoiled child that Fang Huai mentioned. The more he understood Fang Huai, the more heartache he felt in his eyes.
Fang Huai, who was unaware of Li Xuan's emotions, spoke to himself: "The day I left the orphanage, he cried the most. He hugged the branches of the old locust tree and refused to come down no matter what." Fang Huai tried hard to recall the past. The brief dream just now deepened the colors of the past in his mind, as if those things happened just yesterday.
His adoptive parents held his hands and called him by his new name with loving eyes.
Fang Huai was named after his adoptive father, who saw an old locust tree in the orphanage. Fang Huai liked big trees with sweet-smelling flowers, and he also liked his own name.
At that time, the ignorant Fang Huai was happy that he had parents. He didn’t understand why his friend was crying when it was obviously a good thing?
The little bully held his hand, not letting him go, and told Fang Huai that these adults were bad people. They would not want him anymore when they had children, so Fang Huai should stay in the welfare home and he would take care of him in the future.
"We haven't been in touch for a long time. He probably forgot about me." Fang Huai said regretfully: "We were so young back then."
Li Xuan clearly sensed Fang Huai's loss; Fang Huai cared deeply about his good friend. He only knew of Fang Huai's relationship with that person through fragmented accounts, and this isolation stirred a wave of inexplicable emotion within him.
He deliberately changed the subject and joked, "If your dream comes true, I'll treat your former friends to a nice meal."
"What's his name?"
Fang Huai met Li Xuan's gentle eyes and said with a smile, "His name is Kong Lingyu."
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