Chapter 30
◎The moon.◎
Who are you......
Ci Ying looked at the young man in front of her, and applied the words that had once appeared in her life to him one by one.
You are the moon that I can never reach even if I stand on tiptoe countless times.
You are the other shore that I once thought was within the reach of fate.
You are the lover of the girl named Ciying who has tossed and turned in bed for many years.
Ci Ying closed her eyes, held on to the cabinet to stand up, and looked up at Xie Huaijin who was only one step away from her. The young man had a pair of beautiful eyes. Looking at those eyes, the words she heard seemed to sound more pleasant.
But Ciying didn't think it sounded nice, she just felt very confused.
The confusion enveloped her layer by layer, and the pent-up anger that she had just finally vented was extinguished in an instant. A feeling of powerlessness swept through her body, and she realized that her anger was no different from her previous sadness.
She dodged the young man's hand that was trying to hold her, and leaned against the red-lacquered cabinet. The blue veins on her hand surged with her breathing, and her slender white wrist bulged slightly.
She looked at Xie Huaijin and answered his question softly.
"You are the eldest son of the Xie family, the most powerful and influential. You are Xie Huaijin."
The girl's voice stopped here, her hand slowly slid down from the red lacquer cabinet, and she lowered her head.
"Xie Huaijin, I don't want to argue with you about this. I've never argued with you before, and I don't want to argue with you now."
In the spreading silence, Ci Ying slowly looked at Xie Huaijin and whispered, "Or...is there anything else about me that Master Xie needs?"
The girl uttered the three words "Master Xie" very softly, but it was loud enough for the people in front of her to hear clearly. She had a weak posture, but she drew all the boundaries almost forcefully.
The afternoon sun penetrated a shallow patch of the study, and occasionally the chirping of birds could be heard from the treetops. If Xie Huaijin had not knocked on the door today, it would have been a fairly pleasant afternoon for Ci Ying.
She came to the south of the Yangtze River on a big ship, escaping from the thick shell that wrapped her layer by layer. Wearing this shell, she could touch the shadow of freedom and bask in the sunshine of freedom.
But Xie Huaijin forcefully cut open the shell, leaving no room for compromise. He looked at her calmly, just like he had done many times before.
Ciying faced all the memories that flooded in.
At this moment, she looked into his eyes, the eyes that had appeared countless times in her dreams when she was young.
She said word by word, "As long as you say it, as long as I have it, Master Xie, Ciying will give it to you."
The three words "Mr. Xie" were no longer bitter, as if it was supposed to be so, clouds should be clouds and mud should be mud. Every time she called out "Xie Huaijin" in her heart when she was young, it became a salty, bitter wind, shedding heavy tears for her.
In Xie Huaijin's gradually darkening eyes, Ci Ying lowered her eyes completely: "I only beg you to let me go."
She did not kneel down like she did in the execution hall, nor did she burst into tears like she did in the study last time. She just slowly uttered the words one by one. She looked at him, lowered her head, and waited silently for the verdict.
Xie Huaijin had seen this posture in countless people: bent spine, drooping face, and frightened eyes filled with tears.
He is used to it.
He should have been used to it.
But he didn't. A feeling that could be considered anger spread in his heart, light yet strong. His hand slowly dropped from Ci Ying's body, and his snow-white sleeves reflected the midsummer light.
The young man was tall and slender, and his voice was like frost and snow. When his emotions reached their peak, they faded away.
There was a gentle breeze and drizzle in the south of the Yangtze River, and the willow branches always gently brushed across the water. The young man half-closed his eyes and looked at the girl who lowered her head, and laughed very softly, like the snow pressing down on the branches in winter.
Very faint, only a slight sound.
In the brilliant silence, Ciying's eyelashes trembled.
The young man's voice came from above her head, with a gentle smile on his face. "So, what can you give me?"
Contempt and disdain sometimes do not require special language.
Ciying's heart stopped at that moment.
It was as if snow was pressing down on her. A tear fell from the corner of her eye. After a long time, her heart slowly began to beat again. She did not look up, but just repeated: "Yes, I can't give you anything... I can't give you anything."
Her chest was trembling. She hated Xie Huaijin and herself.
I hate this beating heart, and I hate Xie Huaijin's deceptive face.
She had clearly told herself that she hated him so many times, but why would the emotion suddenly overwhelm her body when she heard some words from this person, making her unable to move and feeling miserable?
I hate my soft-heartedness, my repeated compromises, and my powerlessness.
Ci Ying clenched her fists and loosened her lips that she had been biting for a long time. Unconsciously, her lips and teeth had already penetrated each other, and when they separated, there was a bloody mess.
A streak of blood stood out on her pale lips, but Ci Ying was completely unaware. She looked at Xie Huaijin and repeated seriously, "Master Xie, you are right. Ci Ying can't give you anything."
When servants introduced themselves, they always put their names first. Ciying had heard the housekeeper talk about this rule when she was very young.
The young lady didn't allow her to call herself that, so Ciying never called herself that in front of the young lady.
But before she knew it, Ci Ying began to get used to calling Xie Huaijin like this.
Love and power have equal rights at this moment.
Ci Ying slowly pushed away Xie Huaijin's hand on her shoulder and whispered, "I have nothing to offer Master Xie. If Master Xie isn't interested in Ci Ying's frivolous life, please let me stay in Jiangnan. I left without saying goodbye, made a fool of myself, and made you travel thousands of miles to come here and work so hard for me. It's Ci Ying's fault."
The young man stared at the wound on the girl's lip, then raised his eyes to meet hers.
He turned away.
The moment the study door was closed, Ci Ying's body slid down the cabinet. She wanted to cry, but she couldn't. She also wanted to laugh, but she couldn't laugh either.
She was like a puppet with a little soul. She took two steps and fell asleep in the sunshine.
At that time, Ciying felt that maybe, maybe she could have a new beginning.
The sunlight shone on her whole body. After a long time, she moved her fingers, then her hands, and then her eyes. At the moment when a tear fell, she heard the sound of her own heartbeat again.
She got up and continued to edit the book.
After going to the martial arts hall that day and seeing so many female guards, she had some other ideas about her future life.
Among the four classes of people, scholars, farmers, merchants and artisans, merchants are the last. However, according to the custom that women should not show their faces in public, there are very few women even among the merchants.
But there are very few, not none.
After coming out of the martial arts hall that day, Ci Ying observed the small stalls set up on the roadside, the peddlers, and the restaurants and shops. In fact, there were quite a few women.
Some women wrapped themselves in thick cloth, some women greeted people coming and going calmly, and some women were more proficient in certain areas, such as embroidery workshops and weaving workshops, where the vast majority of people were women.
She went upstairs to buy some things. Some bosses like to chat with customers, and Ci Ying learned a lot from listening.
For example, the tofu beauty who has the best business on the street is actually a poor person. She became a widow right after getting married. She has a bedridden father-in-law, and the money she spends on buying medicine every day can crush the whole family. The gossipy mothers-in-law who are always confused and spread rumors in the streets every day that their daughter-in-law can't stand the loneliness and has an affair with another man. The stench of her mean mouth can be smelled ten miles away.
Seeing Ci Ying's worried look, the boss laughed twice. "But I only dare to talk about it behind their backs. If things really go wrong, who will support them? Sigh... Or else that woman is pitiful. She got married at the age of fourteen. She was so young, and it's been almost twenty years now."
"Everyone likes to buy tofu from her place, not only because her tofu is good, but also because she is pitiful. For many days, people have advised her to remarry and find a man while she still has some beauty, but she refused, saying that she couldn't leave her parents behind. If she took them with her, no good family would want her. So all these years, she has been delayed."
Ci Ying then went to Xi Shi and bought a few pieces of tofu, which were very tender and juicy, showing that she was indeed well-made.
She talked to her for a few words and found that the facts were not entirely as the boss had just said.
Tofu Xishi said that she had a connection with her, and not only did she give her a piece of tofu, she also chatted with her about family matters. In fact, she was talking about her parents-in-law, but it sounded very comforting. Xishi had a smile on her face and didn't seem to complain at all.
Seeing that Ciying was listening attentively, Xishi smiled and handed the tofu to her: "Miss, take it. I'm sorry to have made you laugh, but I also have a connection with you, so I couldn't help but chat a little longer."
Ci Ying thanked him, returned to the mansion, took a bite of tofu, and after connecting everything, she said softly, "What a pity..."
It's a pity that Tofu Xishi is such a smart person, but all her schemes and calculations were buried in the tofu.
If she were a man, she wouldn't have to deal with rumors and public opinion in this world.
Tofu Xishi had actually done very well. Her husband died shortly after she got married. Most other people would have been branded as "husband-killing", but she was not. Her bedridden father-in-law and gossipy mother-in-law were two more difficult obstacles than the last, but she did so well. She was beautiful, filial, kind-hearted, and used people's sympathy to protect herself.
Ci Ying swallowed the tofu in her mouth. That day, she only wrote one word on the rice paper - "need".
The wives and daughters of high-ranking officials and nobles needed female guards, so there were many female guards in the martial arts world.
The bedridden father-in-law and the gossipy mother-in-law needed Tofu Xishi's support, so Tofu Xishi was able to turn the danger into safety despite her bad reputation.
The same goes for the others...
It is because of need, because behind this "need" there are benefits that can be seized, so women can be guards and businessmen. The same is true for the maids in the palace and the mansions. Although they do not have specific official positions, they have some rights. To put it more broadly, the same is true for the mistress of a mansion, and even the queen and empress dowager in the palace.
Ci Ying wondered, then why couldn't women be scholars?
Yes, it is possible.
Ci Ying always remembered the look of regret in the scholar's eyes when she was a child, and also the way the teacher sighed deeply while holding the article she wrote at Lishan Academy.
Ciying always thought she had forgotten, but she hadn't, never.
When she fled from Chang'an to Jiangnan and was lost in thought about the future, these scenes popped up in her mind again and again.
Occasionally, she would recall what Xie Ran had said to her in that letter: "Countless times, I secretly blame myself for being a woman, wondering if I were a man, would I be like my younger brother, proficient in prose at three and poetry at five, famous throughout Lingnan, with stories circulating everywhere? In the future, I would be able to take the imperial examinations, become an official in the court, realize my ambitions, and leave my name in history. Don't blame me; in this world, it's always men who are famous for their writing."
Even now—
She lay in the sun, thinking of the partially written manuscript on the table.
Why not?
As Xie Ran said, this is the way the world is.
The world is wrong, and she can't change it for the time being, so she'll try another path.
In this world, it is because of "need" that women have the opportunity to display their talents and abilities. In most places, there is no "need", so we should create "need".
Ci Ying's hands slowly moved, she stood up and returned to the desk, bending over to continue writing.
This continued for the next January.
She would still think of Xie Huaijin occasionally, and she didn't blame herself. She would think of many people, including the young lady, Ru Zhen, Xiaowan, Lingyue and Lingshuang. She would also occasionally think of the former Ciying.
Zhu Guang would occasionally come to find her to go out and play together, and after she packed up her manuscripts, he would go out with her.
The scenery in the south of the Yangtze River is beautiful, with mountains and water. A small boat is a picturesque scene.
With Zhu Guang around, Ciying dared to go to more remote places.
One day in mid-August, Zhu Guang asked Ciying, "I'm leaving in two days. I may not be able to be with you in the future. Ciying, please take care of yourself."
Ci Ying was startled and whispered, "Is the remuneration paid by the Governor due? Can I continue to pay it?"
Zhu Guang, also known as Zhu San, was speechless for a moment. She looked at Ci Ying with a sincere face. Just from spending a few months with her, she could feel that Ci Ying was a very soft-hearted person.
Zhu San really didn't understand how the young master could offend someone so badly, and...
Zhu San didn't think about what the young master said to her that day. She looked at Ci Ying and shook her head: "It has nothing to do with the remuneration. Something happened with a batch of goods at Wuxing. I have to go and take a look."
Ciying didn't try to persuade her to stay, but she was indeed not happy for the rest of the day.
Zhu San made her laugh, and Ci Ying also smiled. Finally, she hugged Zhu San and whispered "thank you" to him.
Zhu San's fingers twitched for a moment, and then he whispered, "I'll be back after I've dealt with the Wuxing business. Keep Ciying's reward. Hmm... But once I inherit the Wuxing business, I won't have to take Ciying's money anymore."
Ci Ying blinked her eyes, as if to blink away the sadness of the impending separation, and said with a smile, "Zhu Guang is amazing."
The two of them laughed together and lay on the boat, with the clouds floating leisurely, just like their lives.
......
After that day, Ci Ying never saw Xie Huaijin again.
She thought that Xie Huaijin had already returned to Chang'an, so she found the governor and asked if she could do a business with him.
The governor had long known that Ciying's identity was not simple, so he was not surprised to hear Ciying's words. The governor did not have the usual coldness in front of children, and his words were full of respect: "It's not a matter of business or not. Master, just say it. If I can do it, I will do it for you. If I can't, I can't do it even if you give me more."
Ci Ying's voice was hoarse for a moment, and she said softly, "I would like to ask you to find information about someone for me."
The Governor: "Who are you? What's your name? Where is your home?"
Ci Ying said softly, "Her name is Ru Zhen. She used to be a maid in the Xie Mansion in Chang'an. Later, she married the prince of the Mobei King. I would like you to inquire about her situation for me."
The governor stroked his beard and said, "Well, Master, don't worry. I will send someone to look for you as soon as I get the news."
Ci Ying bowed and saluted: "Thank you very much."
The news soon reached Ciying's ears, but it was not from Ruzhen, but from Yuwen Fu.
The governor frowned and said to her, "Yuwen Fu returned to Mobei four months ago. No one knows whether his wife went with him. Most of the servants in the Prince's Mansion have already left, leaving only a few elderly housekeepers and maids. When asked about the matter, they said they knew nothing about the Prince's wife."
......
Ciying had another dream. She dreamed of her childhood, the young lady and Ruzhen.
Ruzhen likes swinging very much. Occasionally she will stand on the swing, and the wind will carry her laughter far away.
Ci Ying woke up from her dream, got up and poured herself a cup of tea. When she walked to the desk and wanted to write, she found that the hand holding the brush was shaking.
What is freedom?
Ci Ying felt that every step she took now was filled with Ru Zhen's blood.
She hadn't slept well for a few days. Mr. Li was a sickly person, sometimes sick and sometimes not, so most of the task of teaching Wang Chuyu his lessons fell on Ciying.
Wang Chuyu has made much more progress than before, and Ciying is naturally happy to see his success. However, there is indeed a gap between having knowledge and being a teacher. Ciying needs to put in a lot of effort to prepare everything.
She taught Wang Chuyu her homework during the day and edited books at night. She thought about the future and the memories of Ru Zhen were in her mind. She couldn't sleep all night and forced herself to go to teach Wang Chuyu the next day. She repeated this cycle over and over again until she finally fell ill.
She did not stop even when she was sick. Wang Chuyu temporarily asked Mr. Li, who was feeling better, to take care of her work, and she stayed in her room, editing the book day and night.
perhaps......
She is not that noble, at least not that pure.
She spent her body, energy, and efforts just to prove that the freedom she gained step by step was not wrong.
perhaps......
If she really does something, the powerlessness rooted in her heart will fade away.
Or maybe...
She never forgot the look in the young man's eyes that day and the words, "So, what can you give me?"
When Ci Ying saw Xie Huaijin again, she initially thought it was a dream.
Xie Huaijin had already returned to Chang'an, and she was in Jiangnan. The only place where they could meet was definitely in dreams.
But as soon as this thought came to her mind, Ci Ying frowned. She stared at the word "meet", but after thinking about it, she didn't know what word to use.
The young man was still wearing the same snow-white clothes as before, looking noble and cold.
Even in her dreams, Ci Ying didn't want to be so close to him. She stepped back a little and bumped into the soft pillow behind her. The soft touch made her raise her eyes, but not completely.
Not a dream.
It's not a dream...
The girl's eyes trembled, and facing the young man's hand, she subconsciously waved away the jade-white, slender, bony hand.
After a crisp sound, her wrist turned around and was grasped. The young man had a cold look on his face: "Jiang Ciying!"
Ci Ying wrapped herself in the quilt, and the scenes of that day rolled before her eyes. However, she was sick and weak, and her emotions were not in good condition. She was also less afraid of those things. She shook off the young man's cold hand, lifted the quilt, and wanted to push him out.
But I can't push it.
Ciying continued to push.
Still can't push it.
Ciying stopped refusing and wanted to walk out on her own.
He was hugged from behind.
For a moment, she didn't know whose heartbeat it was. Ci Ying lowered her eyes, not knowing what Xie Huaijin was going to do. It couldn't be that he had lost his memory. If she remembered correctly, they didn't seem to be in a relationship where they could hug each other.
Belated disgust replaced doubt, and Ci Ying pushed Xie Huaijin's hand away.
Very strange.
The person who she couldn't push away just now now opened with just a push of her hand. Ci Ying turned around to leave, but found that the door and the yard were closed and she couldn't open them from the inside.
It's obvious who did it.
Ci Ying walked into the yard and lay down on the stone table to rest.
I didn’t want to sleep at all, but when I saw Xie Huaijin, I felt sleepy again.
In fact, not really. Under the moonlight and the chirping of cicadas, the girl's hands were trembling, and it was not just her hands that were trembling.
The illness made her face pale and her fingertips cold.
When Ci Ying felt someone standing behind her, she opened her eyes. It was a very hot August day, but she felt very cold.
She wondered what else in her did Xie Huaijin want.
The reason she didn't tell Xie Huaijin about General Wei last time was not because of anything else, but because she wanted to keep one last trump card for herself. She didn't want Xie Huaijin to know that she already knew about General Wei.
......Was there something wrong?
She had gone to look for General Wei, so he should have left some traces. The person General Wei sent to escort her to Jiangnan was also a clue to a breakthrough. Ci Ying felt the gaze following her like a shadow, her eyelashes trembling, then slowly dissipating, and she felt a belated fear.
The moonlight was very dim, or perhaps Ciying couldn't see the moon clearly because of her illness. She tried to ignore the people behind her and looked up at the moon in the sky.
She hoped the moon would be brighter and brighter.
But the moon was not there, and it was still dark.
The first thing Xie Huaijin said to her was: "You are sick."
The second thing Xie Huaijin said to her was: "Come back with me."
The young man's voice was light and without much emotion.
Ci Ying always felt that she had an extra memory. She looked at the scene that seemed to be replaying itself, and the moonlight sprinkled coldly on her bent hands.
She looked at Xie Huaijin, or rather, Xie Huaijin put his hand on her shoulder.
There seemed to be concern in the young man's eyes. She closed her eyes and then opened them. Xie Huaijin was there. She closed her eyes and opened them again. The young man in the snow-white clothes was still there.
If she hadn't still had a bit of willpower left, she would really have thought the person in front of her was a ghost.
Ci Ying frowned. Her emotions were very calm, or perhaps, as she grew sicker, she no longer had any emotions. She pushed Xie Huaijin away, and the young man's hand dropped.
She looked up at the young man in the moonlight. He was no different from before, except that he seemed to have lost his memory. He had completely forgotten their last argument.
It turns out that illness can make people bolder, or perhaps Ci Ying was simply tired and afraid that she would become something else if she consumed herself. She whispered, "Xie Huaijin, what exactly do you want to do?"
This might be the softness that Ciying had developed from the torture of illness and fatigue, which neither of them noticed.
Xie Huaijin repeated those two sentences.
"You are ill."
"Come back with me."
Ci Ying shook her head: "I like Jiangnan very much, I like what I am doing now, I will not go back to Chang'an."
Facing the sick Ci Ying, Xie Huaijin could no longer be as cold as before. He leaned over and touched the girl's head, his fingers brushing over her burning ears and cheeks. The scorching temperature made him frown.
He said in a gentle voice, as if coaxing someone: "I took Ru Zhen to the mansion."
The moonlight sprinkled down softly, covering the two people. After hearing the young man's words, the girl slowly raised her eyes and laughed softly.
Although her face was flushed, her eyes did not show much warmth.
When she faced Xie Huaijin, the smile on her lips faded. Ci Ying sat on the stone bench, looking up at the young man leaning over, and said slowly, "So it's not easy to take it back, is it?"
......
Xie Huaijin looked at Ci Ying and slowly stood up.
The girl craned her neck and looked up at him, the smile in her eyes tinged with sarcasm. "What are you trying to threaten me with with Ru Zhen again? Are you tired of using me to threaten Ru Zhen, and then using Ru Zhen to threaten me, Xie Huaijin?"
"What should I do? I should cry my heart out in gratitude to you. I should be grateful to you..." Ci Ying blinked, and her bent fingers gradually straightened. The cold stone table made her sober up a little. "I'm grateful to Master Xie for rescuing my Ru Zhen. I'm grateful to you and Yu Wenfu for no longer treating Ru Zhen and me like toys."
Ci Ying opened her hand, and inside was a copper coin that she had just taken out from her clothes.
She pressed the copper coin into Xie Huaijin's hand and forced him to hold it. "This is the wedding money from Ru Zhen's wedding day. Is it hot? Have you seen the wounds on Ru Zhen's body? Have you seen Ru Zhen's cut wrists? Or are you blind? These are all invisible to you. What on earth do you see?"
Ci Ying was drowsy. She stood up and looked into Xie Huaijin's eyes.
The young man looked at her with a cold face, just as he always did before.
She couldn't find herself.
All the moon can reflect is a shadow of nothingness.
Ci Ying's eyes were red. "In your eyes, Xiao Wan made a mistake, so you can punish her. In your eyes, Ru Zhen deliberately approached Yu Wenfu, so you can choose not to save her. But what did I do wrong, Xie Huaijin? Is it fun to lie to people over and over again?"
【Author’s words】
When I write, I always think of a line of lyrics.
Self-esteem often drags people down and makes love take twists and turns.
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com
