58 Chapter Fifty-Eight
◎Dead silence.◎
When he was young, Xie Huaijin was always led into the ancestral hall by his father's hand. There were always many candles lit in the hall, and it looked bright from a distance.
It was bright, bright yet cold, and there was a constant smell of cold incense. His father often held his hand, but Xie Huaijin was short, only reaching his father's thigh, so he had to look up at his father.
Most children in this world probably go through this. When little Xie Huaijin looked at his father, his father always looked straight ahead. He followed his father's gaze and looked forward, and he could see the bright candlelight and the crowds of people in the ancestral hall.
Solemn and dignified, in this silence, Xie Huaijin often looked towards Xie Qingzheng, his father.
As the head of the family, most of the time, my father would always lead the incense.
After his father finished offering incense, he would place three sticks in his hands and ask him to worship the tablet. There were many people in the ancestral hall, but most of them had no faces. The bright candlelight shone on their faces, leaving only a void of light in little Xie Huaijin's mind.
The only one with a face here was his father, the one who held his hand and led him into the ancestral hall and handed him over to the elders. He was too young, so his father's tall figure loomed large, like a mountain or an ocean to him.
My aunt is right. The Xie family is not good at cultivating gentlemen. They are only good at cultivating monsters in the guise of gentlemen.
His father was the first monster Xie Huaijin saw, and he later became a monster himself.
Before he discovered that his father was a monster, Xie Huaijin had all the admiration for his father that one would have at that age.
It wasn't until his father took him to the top of the mountain that he discovered the truth behind "beast theory," but it was more than just the truth behind beast theory...
He looked at his father for a long time at that time, but his father never turned around to look at him.
The people in the ancestral hall gradually became well-known. They were very good at it, or rather, the Xie family was too good at cultivating a "gentleman". Xie Huaijin gradually became the eldest son of the Xie family. The difference was that he was better than all the previous heads of the family. He naturally shouldered the future of the Xie family in the satisfied eyes of those people.
Only one person looked at him differently. When he was young, Xie Huaijin looked at the person in front of him. His father glanced at him coldly out of the corner of his eye. He understood the complexity in his father's eyes, but they were still as gentle as the breeze and bright moon.
He knew that his father would not help him. His father would not lend a hand to his young self, nor would he show any mercy to these elderly elders.
My father was always silent. Even his death didn't cause much commotion. The only trouble he caused was more like something he picked up at random before dying. I don't know who he was trying to annoy, or maybe my father hated it just as much, but he was cowardly, far more cowardly than his silence.
The word "mother" didn't often appear in Xie Huaijin's life. Until he was three years old, Xie Huaijin only knew his mother as the eldest daughter of the Lin family's patriarch. As for the others, no one would mention them. Not his father, not his grandparents. Later... slowly, someone would.
That person was his stepmother, or he would rather call her aunt.
The first time I met my aunt was when my father was going away for a long time. Before he left, he said there was someone he needed to pay his respects to. He asked my father who it was. After a long hesitation, he said, "It's your mother."
Xie Huaijin didn't say that he was already six years old when he passed the "Beast Theory".
As usual, his father walked ahead. He no longer held his hand, leaving him with only his tall back. He went to that courtyard and happened to see his aunt coaxing his three-year-old second sister. His second sister's name was Xie Suwei. She was in poor health and had been almost completely soaked in medicine since birth. Before his second sister had her own courtyard, his aunt's courtyard was always filled with a strong smell of medicine.
He listened to his father's words and bowed to his aunt. His aunt was silent for a long time and then looked at him carefully for a long time.
After his father left, his aunt said to him, "Has Shuhe grown this big?" To this day, Xie Huaijin still remembers his aunt's smile at that time. He looked at his aunt, and his aunt whispered, "She looks a lot like my sister."
He had never heard anyone mention his mother, so he asked, "How is she like her?"
This question seemed to stump my aunt. She looked at him for a long time and said, "They are similar in every way."
Later, in his spare time, he liked to go to his aunt's house and occasionally help his aunt take care of his second sister. When he said "taking care of", he actually meant pushing his second sister in a wheelchair for a walk. His second sister was a very quiet child and would gently call him "brother" when she saw him.
Later... the elders discovered that he actually didn't know why he couldn't stay with his family. He didn't delay anything and completed the tasks assigned to him by his father and the elders very well.
But even so, even so, he was still not allowed.
That was his first time rebelling against the elders, and probably his most childish. He challenged the elders with their own words: "You have families too."
The elders lowered their heads and laughed, their laughter echoing in the bright candlelit ancestral hall. Finally, they all raised their eyes and looked at him coldly. The leading elder placed his hand on his shoulder and said coldly, "But young master, you don't need a family."
Soon, Xie Huaijin understood why the elders were laughing.
His second sister fell seriously ill and nearly died that winter. He looked at his father again, who was still indifferently handling matters inside and outside the mansion, doing what a head of a family should do.
Then Xie Huaijin understood.
No one can understand it at once, and it took Xie Huaijin two times to understand it.
After that, he took the initiative to stay away from his aunt and second sister.
When he was eleven years old, Xie Huaijin drank the drug that would make him sterile. Xie Qingyu tried to stop him but failed. Finally, he sighed and said that there is nothing in the world that cannot be solved. If he could talk to Xie Qingyu at that time, he would probably say yes.
Xie Qingyu, yes, in the future you were born and died for someone, became a monk, and even your body disappeared without rest. Even so, you told me every time that you didn't blame her and that you were content with it.
Xie Qingyu asked why, but Xie Huaijin just said calmly: "The blood of the Xie family flows in my body."
He wanted the Xie family to disappear in the dust of history, and the same went for him, the eldest son who carried the Xie family's bloodline.
The blood of the Xie family should not continue to flow in the world.
At the age of thirteen or fourteen, Xie Huaijin had already achieved what Xie Qingzheng had achieved when he was just a young man. Many people had died in succession in the Xie Mansion, and there was much speculation within the mansion, but no one dared to point the finger at him.
The elders were ignorant and unaware, my father remained silent, but my aunt somehow guessed it.
When he went to see his aunt again, she didn't say anything, but just looked at him with eyes that were more complicated than before.
At that time, Xie Huaijin realized that he really had no family.
He asked his aunt calmly if she wanted to leave the Xie Mansion.
My aunt looked at him for a long time and shook her head.
That seemed to be their only conversation in those long years. Later, he received a scroll and opened it. Inside was a face that looked three-quarters like him, only three-quarters.
This, he thought, was his mother.
Ci Ying's appearance in his life was an accident. Xie Huaijin didn't know if he would change if he knew that such a person would appear in his life in the future when he was young.
But when Ci Ying whispered "Xie Huaijin, I want to have a child" during dinner in the evening, Xie Huaijin's fingers stiffened for a moment. Although it was snowing heavily outside, the house was warm. He was in Ci Ying's yard, and everything around him was arranged according to Ci Ying's ideas.
He said softly: "Why do you suddenly want a child?"
Ci Ying didn't even put down her chopsticks and said casually, "It seems like it's time for you to have a child. You said I was too young before, but now I'm not too young. People my age seem to have a child. Last time, the fifth lady brought her child to visit me, and when I saw him, I actually thought he was quite adorable."
Ci Ying spoke nonchalantly, and only when the person opposite her remained silent for a long time did she raise her eyes.
She asked: "Xie Huaijin, can we have a child of our own?"
She asked so sincerely that Xie Huaijin didn't know where to start. He clenched the chopsticks in his hand, but his voice was still gentle: "If you want, we can choose one of the orphaned children from the collateral branch that you like."
Ci Ying said seriously, "But why can't I have my own child? I went to the doctor yesterday to check my pulse, and the doctor said I'm in good health and there's no problem with having a child."
Xie Huaijin looked at Ci Ying for a long time without saying anything. He said softly, "I brought you some candied haws."
Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin until the young man handed the candied haws to her, and then her eyes slowly drooped. She actually didn't know what kind of mood she was in when she said this to Xie Huaijin. She certainly didn't really want a child. She just wanted to know if Xie Huaijin could tell her the truth.
She really didn't want to settle the past with him, but she had to. However, it happened so many times that she felt tired before she even started talking about it. So she deceived herself and compromised by changing the topic to something less serious.
The girl looked at Xie Huaijin and said calmly, "But I want to have a child, Xie Huaijin."
The young man looked at the candied haws in Ci Ying's hand. Ci Ying took it and put it aside. His face became a little stiff and he said, "Then I'll go find someone for you."
Ci Ying said softly, "I didn't hear clearly, Xie Huaijin, please speak more carefully."
The young man's beautiful phoenix eyes also looked at Ci Ying. After a while, he said gently, "I will go find someone for you, if you must have a child." As if afraid that Ci Ying would misunderstand, Xie Huaijin added, "It won't be Mr. Li, Ci Ying. I will do what I promised you."
Ci Ying stared at Xie Huaijin without blinking and said softly, "Xie Huaijin, I still didn't hear clearly. Please say it again."
Xie Huaijin looked at Ci Ying with a frown and said softly, "What kind of person do you like? Someone like Li Sheng? After the imperial examination is over, I'll take you to the Qionglin Banquet to choose."
Ci Ying asked, "What if others don't want to?"
Xie Huaijin said: "No."
Ci Ying laughed softly. She looked at Xie Huaijin, not really knowing what kind of answer she wanted. Xie Huaijin had long ago drunk the sterilizing potion, and she had always told him she wanted a child. What could Xie Huaijin possibly give her? She certainly didn't want him to actually give her a child.
So what does she want?
Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin, and it took her a long time to realize that all she wanted at that time was a confession.
He confessed to her, and she took it as Xie Huaijin confessing everything.
But no, the young man stroked her head and smiled gently: "Do you want a boy or a girl? What name should the boy be named and what name should the girl be named? Or should we choose one for both of them first?"
Ci Ying listened sarcastically until Xie Huaijin noticed that her eyes were red.
Ci Ying didn't want to cry, but she really couldn't help it.
Xie Huaijin seemed to realize that something was wrong and came over to ask her what was wrong. Ci Ying covered her chest and said to Xie Huaijin for the first time: "Xie Huaijin, my heart hurts."
Xie Huaijin thought Ciying was sick, and when he was about to go out to find a doctor, he heard Ciying's next sentence while crying and laughing: "Xie Huaijin, let's get divorced."
The young man's body froze in place, and he turned around and said, "You promised me... I didn't move. I didn't."
Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin. For a moment, she felt that the powerful young man in front of her was like a naive child. She looked at him and said easily, "Well, you didn't, but I regret it."
The surprise and confusion in Xie Huaijin's eyes gradually faded away, replaced by a deep storm.
Ciying used to be afraid, but now she is suddenly not afraid anymore.
She looked at Xie Huaijin and said softly, "If we can't separate, let's die together. Xie Huaijin, this will be considered as accompanying you for a lifetime. Let's die together."
Xie Huaijin leaned over and touched Ciying's forehead. There was a gloom between his brows, but more of it was worry: "What's wrong, Ciying, are you feeling unwell?"
Ci Ying looked closely into Xie Huaijin's eyes. There was actually no emotion in her eyes anymore. The tears that had just fallen seemed like a final expression of sympathy for the person before her. Her tone became indifferent: "I'm not feeling unwell, Xie Huaijin. I'm very clear-headed."
As she spoke, she avoided Xie Huaijin's hand that was touching her forehead and whispered, "Don't touch me either, Xie Huaijin, I feel sick."
These were almost the harshest words Ci Ying had ever said to Xie Huaijin. Xie Huaijin's face turned cold, and he closed his mouth the moment he wanted to speak.
Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin coldly and said to him, "Why, are you going to threaten me with someone close to me again? Who do you want to use this time? Let me think about the one who's closer... Lingyue or Lingshuang?"
Xie Huaijin's expression was forbearing. The next moment, he heard Ci Ying say calmly, "You can move, Xie Huaijin. From now on, if you move anyone around me, I will die."
Ci Ying spoke less and less about her death, and her eyes were so calm that it frightened Xie Huaijin for a moment.
The young man hugged Ciying, the gloom between his brows slowly falling, replaced by deep worry. He asked gently: "Ciying, what's wrong? If you think I did something wrong, I can change it."
The tone was very soft, the words were very soft, but Ci Ying's expression did not soften at all.
She just looked at Xie Huaijin with a very cold and unfamiliar gaze: "Xie Huaijin, is there anything you did right?"
The questioning tone wasn't interrogative; Ci Ying seemed to be simply stating a fact. She didn't even care if she angered Xie Huaijin anymore. The pressure on her heart was making it hard to breathe. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the snow falling harder outside the window. She glanced at the candied haws on the table.
She picked up the candied haws and threw it down, and the candied haws made a crisp sound when it fell to the ground.
Xie Huaijin frowned and looked at Ci Ying, saying softly, "You should at least let me know what happened."
Ci Ying suddenly mentioned Su Xueruo. She said, "Xie Huaijin, I don't think Su Xueruo actually hates you that much."
Xie Huaijin's expression turned completely cold.
Ci Ying did not mention Xie Qingyu, even though she knew that as long as she mentioned Xie Qingyu's name, it would be enough to make Xie Huaijin's mask fall off completely. But she did not, and just continued to talk about Su Xueruo: "If Su Xueruo really hated you so much, she would have said more to me."
Xie Huaijin's face turned grim. Thinking of what Ciying had said about offspring, he whispered, "I can find a doctor..."
This was almost the biggest compromise Xie Huaijin had made since they met. Ci Ying didn't know whether to cry or laugh. Xie Huaijin was actually willing to find a doctor to treat the problem of infertility for her. But the fact was that she neither cried nor laughed, she just felt sad.
She looked at Xie Huaijin coldly and whispered, "So you think I'm doing this because of the issue of offspring?" She "reminded" him, as if mocking him and offering him alms, "Xie Huaijin, do you think I'd leave you just because you're childless?"
Xie Huaijin's eyebrows and eyes froze, and his beautiful phoenix eyes looked straight at Ci Ying.
Ci Ying refused to give in, and it could even be said that this was her toughest confrontation with Xie Huaijin.
She had just used up the last of her sympathy. Now, she stared into Xie Huaijin's dark eyes and said softly, "As smart as Master Xie is, he should have guessed it."
"Ci Ying..." Xie Huaijin's voice trembled. He looked at Ci Ying in front of him. Although Ci Ying was still in front of him, he felt that he could no longer catch Ci Ying.
He called her name over and over again, trying to make some excuse, but both of them knew that from the moment Ci Ying knew, Xie Huaijin would have no excuse.
Ci Ying said softly: "Do you want to explain? I'll listen to your explanation."
Xie Huaijin's fingers fell stiffly. There had never been such a moment in his life.
Ci Ying looked at him indifferently, and he said softly: "I..."
But after all, Xie Huaijin could only say: "Ciying, don't look at me like that."
Ci Ying shook her head and whispered, "I think I can only look at you like this from now on, Xie Huaijin. Every time I think you've done something bad enough, you always tell me you can go even worse. It's happened too many times. I don't want to play this game with you anymore."
Xie Huaijin wanted to cover Ci Ying's mouth, but Ci Ying avoided him in disgust.
She looked at Xie Huaijin coldly and said softly, "I can understand that no one has ever taught you how to love someone. I can also understand that you don't love me but want to trap me by your side. I cooperated with you in making such a ridiculous oath. I think we should live like this for the rest of our lives. If you are not pretending well, I will pretend not to see the parts that are not so good."
"I even..." Ci Ying's voice trembled. "I can even forget about you treating me like a plaything and even not caring about me having sex with other people. Xie Huaijin, I forgive all of these."
"Xie Huaijin, I tried very hard to forgive you one by one." Ci Ying said softly.
Xie Huaijin's eyes turned red, and those beautiful eyes drooped weakly at this moment, begging: "Ciying, don't say anymore..."
"But why, Xie Huaijin." There was not even hatred in Ci Ying's tone, only deep incomprehension. She looked at the young man in front of her who was as bright as spring flowers, and still couldn't figure out why, but the facts were so clearly in front of her. She recalled the young man's vague hints, and didn't know what kind of mentality he had at that time. She just felt like a fool.
Ci Ying's voice was icy, like a verdict. She said, "Xie Huaijin, why do you want to play tricks on me so cruelly? When did you know my background? Before you married me, or during your marriage? Without Yuwen Fu, Yuwen Shu, or me knowing anything, you turned us against each other, from brother to sister, from father to daughter..."
Ci Ying looked straight at Xie Huaijin and said softly, "Mr. Xie, are you satisfied with this performance?"
Xie Huaijin was speechless and just looked at Ci Ying with red eyes.
Ci Ying also looked at him: "You could have dealt with Su Xueruo and put an end to her future troubles, but you didn't, Xie Huaijin. Why are you so confident? Do you know why I said Su Xueruo didn't hate you enough? In the letter, she only told me my life experience and told me that I was the child of Northwest King Yuwenshu. She didn't say anything else."
Xie Huaijin's voice was a little hoarse, and he said softly: "Ciying, calm down."
Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin and said puzzledly: "I am very calm. I have never been as calm as I am now."
Xie Huaijin said softly: "I can explain."
Ci Ying whispered, "Can you really explain?"
Xie Huaijin was speechless again. He truly tasted the regret at this moment. He looked at the indifference and determination in Ci Ying's eyes. For some reason, his fingers began to tremble before his heart, as if he understood that Ci Ying would never come back after this.
He hugged Ciying, who did not struggle but just looked into the distance in this familiar embrace.
The snow outside the window was falling heavier and heavier. In his embrace, Ci Ying said, "I don't know what you meant by giving me most of the power in the mansion these days. I will return everything that doesn't belong to me. Xie Huaijin, let's separate. I don't hold grudges against you for what happened before, but I'm really tired. From now on, we'll go our separate ways and never see each other again."
The hug gradually tightened, and Ciying heard the young man say "no".
Ci Ying said softly, "You know you can't force me anymore."
As she spoke, Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin who was hugging her tightly, and blinked lightly. Now, she could finally say that she didn't love Xie Huaijin anymore. The whitewashed past revealed its hideous face at this moment. People always deceive themselves. Ci Ying had asked herself more than once, if this person was not Xie Huaijin, would she be trapped to this point? The answer was no. No matter how many times she asked, the answer was no.
Self-deception and self-persuasion are twins. Ci Ying spends many days alternating like this. Before today, she had never thought of putting the dagger to Xie Huaijin's throat. Even when Xie Huaijin was in danger, her first reaction was still to save him.
This person is not Xie Huaijin, Ciying would go to save anyone else. Ciying always uses this sentence to convince herself, but in the final analysis, this person is Xie Huaijin.
She had been soft-hearted towards him more than a thousand times.
Ci Ying watched herself walking towards him step by step in the blood. In the heavy snow, the sky was filled with blood.
This is the person she has loved for half her life.
The lover of her youthful dreams slowly turned into a shell.
She tasted his bad afterglow and felt only bitterness, so bitter that even the falling snow outside could not cover up the emptiness rising in her heart.
【Author’s words】
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