Chapter 37
◎I hate you.◎
The young man's fingers were icy cold. When he touched her, Ci Ying subconsciously shrank back. At this moment, the cold of December in Jiangnan seemed to have truly arrived.
The heated atmosphere suddenly froze, and the young man's dark shadow lightly covered her body. The already dim moonlight outside the window also disappeared at this moment.
But Ci Ying could see Xie Huaijin's eyes.
Those eyes, noble, beautiful, yet lifeless. The occasional bursts of emotion from youth seemed fleeting, and as the days and nights turned, the emotions felt by those who knew them became shallow and faint.
Ci Ying closed her eyes. The hand held by the young man slowly stopped trembling. She heard the young man's low voice in her ear: "Long time no see."
Ci Ying pulled her hand away stiffly, but the young man didn't care and just bowed and sat next to her.
Ci Ying's heart began to beat again. She stepped back suddenly until her body hit the bed rail with a "bang". The slight pain spread throughout her body. The sound also made the young man turn sideways and stare at her.
Xie Huaijin asked, "Ciying, do you have anything to explain to me?"
The girl bit her lip, her eyes thick with complex emotions. After a long pause, she shook her head. At the same time, her lips trembled slightly, as if she was about to say something but wasn't ready.
The young man looked at her calmly, without actually showing any anger or anything like that.
While Ci Ying was thinking about how to start, Xie Huaijin suddenly asked her a very strange question.
Just when she expected anger and scolding, the young man simply rubbed his fingers and asked softly, "The cabin was hot and stuffy. Did you get seasick coming from Chang'an?"
Ci Ying was stunned for a moment, then shook her head.
A smile appeared on the young man's lips, and he raised his hand to touch the girl's head, but she dodged him.
Ci Ying found that she became mute when facing Xie Huaijin. She didn't know what to say, and every word she uttered was full of fatigue.
Xie Huaijin looked at the stubborn girl and talked about other topics: "I heard some things during the past few days in Jiangnan. Your poems and essays are circulating in the streets and alleys. There should be a few by Su Wei and Ci Ying..."
Before the young man could finish his words, he was interrupted by the sudden burst of emotion in the girl's eyes.
It wasn't pure hatred, but rather a mixture of thick resentment and bone-deep exhaustion. Ci Ying clenched her fists, "Xie Huaijin."
The young man stopped and wanted to hear what the girl had to say.
The girl just lowered her eyes tiredly and whispered, "Please let me go. Please."
Ci Ying had actually thought a lot about how she should deal with Xie Huaijin when he came to her house, but no matter how much she had thought about it before, at this moment today, when the young man was within her reach, she found that it was useless.
Her heart was wailing.
It was like the rain in Lingnan, so stuffy that it almost suffocated her.
She shuddered and continued, "Don't threaten me with the things I care about. Don't try to control me."
Ci Ying spoke slowly, one sentence at a time. When she said the word "control", her eyes paused, her fingers trembled a few times, and then clenched again.
The young man interrupted her for once and asked calmly, "Do you miss me so much?"
The young man's tone was too calm and no emotion could be heard from it. Ci Ying controlled her emotions and tried to calm herself down. She stood up under the young man's long gaze.
The girl, who was only wearing pajamas, nodded: "Yes, but it's not important, Xie Huaijin."
Ci Ying looked up and down at the young man sitting on the bed. Slowly, the young man rubbed his fingers, as if to explain: "I didn't come here today for this reason."
As if to appease the girl, the young man's voice was as gentle as possible: "Ciying, you should know that if I really wanted to threaten and manipulate you, you can't talk to me like this."
Ci Ying said nothing.
The young man didn't care. He stood up, took Ci Ying's hand, and said gently, "I won't stop you from doing what you are doing now. On the contrary, the Xie family can be your helper."
Late at night, the young man's voice seemed to coax him: "You are smart and should understand that what you are about to do is more like a paradise in Chang'an than in Jiangnan."
Ci Ying was unconsciously led to answer: "It's difficult. There are so many students in Chang'an..."
The young man slowly grasped Ci Ying's hand, his voice soft and soothing, "The Xie family is behind you, Ci Ying. No matter what you decide to do, even if it's a hundred times more extraordinary than what you did today, there will always be great scholars to recite scriptures for you."
Ci Ying couldn't deny that her heart was moved at that moment.
She looked at Xie Huaijin as if she was looking at overwhelming power and blooming ideals, and finally she saw Ci Ying who had once looked at Xie Huaijin from afar.
The scary thing about power is that you don’t even need to have it to know how delicious it is.
If...
If the person who said these words was not Xie Huaijin, Ci Ying would probably really think about it seriously for a moment.
But unfortunately, she looked at the young man with a beautiful face. He had a faint smile on his face, and his eyes were curved in a way that was seductive. There was only a faint light in the small house, which made the beauty within reach hazy.
The fog seemed to spread around Ciying, and the air was filled with a faint fragrance, very faint, but it kept attracting people's thoughts.
All of this was as strange as a dream, making people tremble with fear. As the night grew darker, Ci Ying stepped back unconsciously. The first signal her body gave her was danger.
She avoided those eyes and calmed down after a long time. She curled up her fingers and took another step back, but her eyes were clear.
"I don't need it." Stubbornness slowly appeared in the girl's eyes again.
As if speaking to himself, or perhaps to the person in front of him: "You're right. Chang'an is indeed more of a paradise than Jiangnan. If you truly want to help me, with the Xie family standing behind me, there will indeed be great scholars who will recite scriptures for me. But in contrast, in places that are more like paradises and that value talent and learning more, prejudices are more rigid and more difficult to break."
Ci Ying opened her eyes wide and looked at Xie Huaijin: "You're wrong. I'm not planning to accomplish anything all at once. I don't think I can completely change anything by myself, even if it's difficult to break a discipline that has been difficult to break for thousands of years. But Xie Huaijin, I know that there will be thousands and thousands of people behind me. I'm not the first, and I won't be the last. Even if I can't do it, there will definitely be people who will embark on the path I want in the future."
Ci Ying raised her head and looked at him.
A hint of appreciation flashed across the young man's eyes, but it quickly faded away, and he said softly, "Yes, I understand."
Ci Ying felt that now that things had come to this, she might as well just make it all clear.
She didn't want to hear his high-sounding words anymore. She felt tired for no reason.
"Xie Huaijin." She called his name, raised her eyes to look at him, and softly handed over her last trump card: "I know the agreement between you, Madam, and General Wei, and I have also secretly communicated with General Wei. I can..."
As the young man raised his gaze, the young woman trembled as she spoke, "I can write a letter, inviting General Wei to come to Jiangnan for a reunion. You and I will meet General Wei together. Afterwards, I will explain everything to General Wei. Even if we separate, the things my wife promised you will remain unchanged."
Xie Huaijin looked at the expectation in Ciying's eyes and for some reason he smiled faintly. On that cold night, the young man said calmly, "Ciying, do you really know what the agreement between my aunt and I is?"
.......
The next day.
The sun had already climbed onto the roof, but Ci Ying was still curled up in bed. She leaned against the bed rails and wrapped herself in the quilt. The young man's last words last night made her feel cold all over.
She realized that what she had always thought of as bargaining chips were actually useless.
This feeling of powerlessness was like raindrops falling from the sky, hitting her one by one, finally wrapping around her clothes and soaking into her skin.
The young man's voice with a faint smile sounded in her ears again.
"Ciying, I told my aunt that you would be my only wife."
The door suddenly opened. Ci Ying clutched the quilt tightly and looked over. Xie Ran whispered at the door, "I called you for a long time but you didn't answer. I saw the door was not closed, so I pushed it open myself. Ci Ying, why do you look so bad? Are you sick?"
Ci Ying didn't want Xie Ran to worry about her, so she shook her head and said, "I didn't sleep well last night."
Xie Ran walked to the bedside and touched Ciying's forehead, his voice becoming softer and softer: "Don't worry, our plan is going smoothly, Ciying, don't be too anxious."
Ci Ying nodded, her throat hoarse.
She spoke beautifully yesterday, but Ciying had been secretly planning this for over a year. Every poem and every word in the manuscript were carefully crafted by her, so she naturally hoped that the plan would succeed.
She held Xie Ran's hand. Xie Ran was startled, and then she heard the person lying on her say, "Aran, I'm a little tired."
She didn't ask "what to do", she just said "I'm a little tired".
Xie Ran raised her hand and patted Ciying on the back. She had rarely seen Ciying like this. Ciying was intelligent, resolute, courageous, and resourceful. Most of the time, Ciying was there to stop them and head off any danger.
"It's okay, Ciying." Xie Ran said softly.
The afternoon sun crept up the steps. Ci Ying saw the shadow of light from afar, but she shuddered. She remembered what the young man had said when he left yesterday: "Tomorrow evening, let's go on a boat trip."
......
Ci Ying brought the curtain to the place Xie Huaijin mentioned.
From a distance, she saw Mo Yu.
Seeing Ci Ying, Mo Yu came over and bowed: "Madam, the young master is inside."
"Don't call me Madam." Ci Ying whispered.
Mo Yu lowered his head and didn't say "yes" or "no".
Ci Ying looked at Mo Yu for a long time, but didn't walk towards the boat. Before leaving, she said, "Zhu Guang cried for a long time before she came to see me that day. The wound on her ear has rotted away. The doctor said that even if it heals, it will leave a scar. It's so severe that the scar will last a lifetime."
Mo Yu's eyes didn't waver, as if she didn't care at all. She just said again: "Madam, please get on board quickly. The young master has been waiting for a long time."
Ci Ying lifted the curtain and looked at the boat not far away, not understanding what Xie Huaijin was trying to do.
The boat curtain was lifted by a kneeling maid, and Ci Ying saw the young man in the cabin at a glance. He was wearing a cold and soft snow-white coat, a jade hairpin on his head, his eyebrows and eyes were picturesque, and he was gentle and noble. But a closer look revealed that he was full of indifference inside.
Ci Ying took a breath, walked over and sat opposite the young man.
She couldn't help but think of the young man's words yesterday. When she saw him, her eyes became complicated.
Perhaps it was something that even Ciying didn't understand.
Like the snow in February, soft and astringent, mixed together and falling on people's hearts, freezing bit by bit as it melts, and when people walk on it, it breaks into pieces on the ground and finally turns into a shallow pool of water.
Ci Ying sat opposite the young man.
The boat curtain was lowered, and only Ci Ying and Xie Huaijin were left in the small cabin.
Seeing Ciying's eyes fixed on a certain part of the ship, Xie Huaijin said gently, "It was the same ship you left Jiangnan on that day."
The boat slowly stopped at a place, and Ci Ying realized that no one had left outside. Mo Yu, the boatman, and the maid had all disappeared. Theirs was the only boat on the entire river. Ci Ying's whole body suddenly stiffened.
The young man motioned for her to stand up. Ci Ying opened the curtain with trembling hands and suddenly lost her voice.
The young man gently covered her body from behind: "Is this the place?"
......yes.
It was the place where she and Mr. Li jumped off the boat and escaped that day.
Ci Ying belatedly turned to look at Xie Huaijin. Her slender body, against the vast expanse of the sky, seemed like a broken willow, swaying hesitantly in the wind, poised to fall. The icy, emerald green waters of the lake rippled in the distance, their reflections catching Ci Ying's eye. In the moment her heart froze, the young man pulled her into the water.
Suddenly falling, Ci Ying's body was tightly held by the young man. In the cold river water, the young man stared at her. Ci Ying was so scared that she choked on the water. When she felt the warm breath, a tear slid down the corner of her eye.
The water embraced her, and her body became the carrier for the young man to place his emotions. The bitter kiss was hard to tell whether it was the taste of lake water or something else. Ci Ying felt like a drowned fish. She looked into the young man's eyes, which were as pale as last night's moonlight.
When they reached the shore, Ci Ying bent down and spit out a mouthful of water, and the young man patted her on the back.
He wrapped a clean cloak around the girl. Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin in embarrassment, her eyes flushed red. The young man caressed her face affectionately and asked softly, "Did you pull Li Sheng into the lake like this that day?"
Although his body was soaked, the young man did not look disheveled. His snow-white coat hung loosely, making him look even more elegant and graceful.
The touch was filled with indescribable intimacy, and the tone was harsh but also cold. Xie Huaijin seemed unaware of how bizarre he had done something. He simply brushed his hand across the girl's wet lips and whispered, "Did he kiss you like this when you were drowning in the water?"
Ci Ying dodged the young man's hand, her hair and clothes dripping with water. She was half-forced into the cave, and the young man undid her soaked clothes one by one...
There was no trace of lust in the young man's beautiful eyes. His fingers gently stroked the girl's cold body, and he took out a clean cloth to wipe away the pearl-like water drops on it bit by bit.
There was a fire that had just gone out not far from the cave. It wasn't that cold inside, but Ci Ying was still shivering. She lowered her eyes and tears streamed down her cheeks.
The young man noticed that she was in tears. His fingers paused for a moment, then he pinched her chin and lifted her face. After thinking for a moment, he gently leaned over and kissed away the girl's tears.
Ci Ying pushed the young man away. He had already changed her into a clean, dry dress without her noticing. He had even thoughtfully tied a beautiful bow around the waist of her goose-yellow skirt.
Then, Xie Huaijin wiped Ciying's loose long hair.
Ci Ying was trembling and wanted to run, but was grabbed back. The young man said softly, "Be obedient."
Ci Ying's eyes were red and her hands were tied by the young man's belt.
Xie Huaijin's slender white fingers shuttled through the girl's long, soft, black hair. He asked softly, "Did he also help you tie your hair like this? He should be more skilled than me. Sorry, I haven't done it before."
The young man seemed to have no idea what shocking words he was saying. He just tried to tie a simple bun for Ci Ying. It seemed that he was really not good at it. The young man finally sighed.
It had darkened outside at some point, and the wind howled hoarsely, turning into an echo when it blew into the cave.
The young man finally changed out of his soaked clothes, stood up, walked over to Ci Ying, knelt down, and slowly untied the belt that bound the girl's hands. Ci Ying reached out to hit him, but the young man stopped her and said in a low voice, "Don't be angry."
Ci Ying didn't know how to stop being angry.
The young man held her in his arms, like giving her a sweet treat after a slap in the face. His warm body temperature came through the thin clothes, and his voice was gentle: "Ciying, don't be angry..."
"If he can do it, I can do it too." Xie Huaihuai said in a low voice.
This was a hugging posture, no different from the previous hugging postures. Ci Ying lowered her eyes tiredly, realizing that Xie Huaijin was angry.
This hug was like the cold river water in the daytime, icy and suffocating. Ci Ying felt like she was going to faint, and was kissed in a daze. She opened her eyes blankly and looked at Xie Huaijin. The young man did not close his eyes either, so she was able to see his beautiful eyes.
She seemed like Xie Huaijin must not know that one needs to close their eyes when kissing.
If that's what they call a kiss.
The young man opened his eyes, and the indifference in his eyes without a trace of emotion became obvious.
Ci Ying didn't know why tears welled up in her eyes again. She always said that she hated this person, but when she looked up at the moon in the dead of night, she realized that her hatred and love were one and the same.
No one in her life was as complicated as Xie Huaijin.
She either hated or loved most people. She forgave those eager temptations and those mixed black and white exploitations. Only Xie Huaijin, only Xie Huaijin, she could not forgive, but could not forget him. So love and hate mixed together and became a part of her life.
Ciying didn’t understand why they became like this?
She cried, cried loudly. She had never cried like this in front of Xie Huaijin in her memory.
The kiss was stopped, and a rare trace of confusion appeared in the young man's eyes. He subconsciously touched the tears on the girl's face and let them go. He stepped back a little, and Ci Ying's body lost its support point and fell down like a butterfly, so Xie Huaijin reached out again to catch her.
Ci Ying seemed to no longer care.
She cried, her tears soaking her dress, mixing with the bitter river water of the day, becoming the last memory in the candlelight of this night.
"I hate you...Xie Huaijin, I hate you..."
The girl's broken voice reached the young man's ears. Xie Huaijin quietly stroked Ci Ying's head. If Ci Ying raised her eyes, she would find that the young man's eyes were equally complicated.
But no, Ci Ying leaned over and cried, and Xie Huaijin looked at her with his eyes lowered.
After a long while, he asked, "Mr. Li can do it, but I can't?"
Ci Ying's body froze, and she chuckled softly. She looked at Xie Huaijin and said through gritted teeth, "Yes, Mr. Li can do it, but you can't."
The burning hatred in her eyes, mixed with tears, became Xie Huaijin's memory for many years to come.
He looked at Ciying for a long time and said softly, "Really?"
Ci Ying's body shuddered. Her mind told her she shouldn't answer such a question, but hatred surged through her and she answered almost instantly, "Yes."
later......
Ci Ying had some difficulty remembering what happened next.
When she came to her senses, she saw the sky of the stone cave above her head and soft and cold clothes beneath her body. Her clothes were half-undone, but the young man stopped halfway.
He seemed to chuckle, but also seemed not to.
As Ci Ying looked at him with resentment, a thin layer of mist covered the young man's eyes. He knelt before her, helped her fasten her dress bit by bit, and said softly, "Okay, I understand."
At this time, Ci Ying had actually forgotten why they were arguing. Her consciousness was even so confused that she didn't know whether Xie Huaijin's words were a response to her, or what he understood.
The young man gently lifted her into his arms, leaned her body against the mountain wall, and looked into her eyes.
It was completely dark outside, with only the sound of the wind whistling past. The fire that had been burning during the day had also gone completely cold, leaving only some pungent smells mixed in with the mountain breeze.
The young man's face was expressionless, but his tone was gentle: "I'm sorry, I lost my composure today."
Ci Ying lowered her eyes, her eyelashes casting a shadow under her eyes. The smell of rain in the wind became stronger and stronger, and it seemed that it was about to rain again. Her hair, which had been tied up, had all fallen down, and there was mud under her body. With her pale face, she looked like a female ghost in the mountains.
Ci Ying raised her eyes and looked at Xie Huaijin, and the young man also looked at her.
The young man had a pair of beautiful eyes, thin lips, and a plain dress that reminded Ci Ying of everything that happened in the study that day. She thought that such shame would only happen once, but today the young man told her with his actions that it would happen a second time. She wondered with a hint of despair when the third time would come.
She hadn't thought about it so soon.
A fire was burning behind them, and the young man's shadow was elongated by the firelight. Ci Ying could see the young man's superior profile as she looked over.
The firelight added a sense of warmth to people, so much so that Ci Ying lowered her eyes and wanted to rest for a while. She slowly lowered her eyes, hoping that everything that happened today was just a dream. If it was a dream, it was really a bad dream... She hoped that she would never have such a bad dream again in the future.
The cave gradually warmed up, and all the coldness seemed to temporarily dissipate with the day.
Ci Ying was in a trance for a moment. She looked at the dancing flames and wanted to fall asleep in the flames.
But... when the soft plain clothes fell into Ci Ying's hands, Ci Ying was silent for a long time before she raised her head and looked at Xie Huaijin. She was really tired and even didn't want to argue with Xie Huaijin today.
The next moment, a young man's soft and gentle voice was heard: "If those things are the only ones that Li Sheng can do, and you don't feel sick to the point of vomiting, then I will marry Li Sheng into the family for you. However, the Xie family cannot have the scandal of having an heir. Can his frail body withstand the purification?"
【Author’s words】
bt is like this......
What awaits him is his wife's slap [melted] because she is really afraid of giving him pleasure
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