Chapter 39
◎High place. ◎
Ci Ying's eyes trembled, and she subconsciously wanted to step back, but she held herself back.
The moment she turned around, she felt her hand being held tightly by the young man beside her. She looked at the pale road not far away, as if looking at a boundless and empty future.
Snow fell lightly from the sky, and the slightly slippery steps, previously sprinkled with coarse salt by his attendants, melted a thin layer of ice, revealing the dark bluestone beneath. After exiting the corridor, the young man opened his umbrella. Ci Ying didn't turn around to look, but simply climbed into the carriage with Zhu Guang's support.
The carriage back to Chang'an.
Behind them, Xie Ran and Li Sheng were watching, neither of them saying a word for a long time.
After the carriage left, Xie Ran secretly glanced at Li Sheng and whispered, "Do you know what the eldest master wanted to say just now? Do you... want to go back to Chang'an with Ciying?"
Mr. Li lowered his head and chuckled, then finally shook his head lightly and began to cough softly.
Xie Ran opened her mouth and was at a loss for words to say. For example, she actually saw Li Sheng say "OK" very softly just now, which should mean... agreement.
Seeing Li Sheng about to go to the yard, Xie Ran chased after him with an umbrella and handed it to Li Sheng: "You are not in good health to begin with, so hold the umbrella and don't get wet in the snow."
"Thank you." Mr. Li said with a cough.
The wind was cold and the snow was falling all over the sky, majestic and silent.
In the carriage, Zhu Guang kept looking out. She opened the curtain again and again. The cold wind blew away all the warmth in the carriage, and the books on the table were flipped over and over by the wind.
Ci Ying lowered her eyes, not caring too much, only coughing occasionally.
"cough......"
The young man glanced at him calmly, poured a cup of hot tea and handed it to the person beside him, then looked at Zhu Guang and said, "He's in the carriage out back. If you want to look for him, go by yourself."
Zhu Guang glanced at Ci Ying, and Ci Ying nodded slightly, meaning "go ahead."
Ci Ying didn't know what exactly happened between Zhu Guang and Mo Yu, but Zhu Guang couldn't let go even after crying so hard on that rainy day, so they probably had an extremely deep friendship.
Perhaps to warm her up, the tea in the cup was hotter than before.
Ci Ying blew on it for a while before putting it into her mouth, her eyes resting on the surface of the tea with tiny ripples.
"It's new tea from the south." The young man said in a gentle voice when he saw her sipping tea.
Ci Ying responded in a low voice: "Hmm, there is a unique fragrance."
"Then I'll have someone send the tea cakes to your yard after we get back home." Xie Huaijin said softly, with a faint smile in his eyes.
Ci Ying just shook her head: "No need."
The carriage fell silent. Ci Ying put down her teacup, lowered her eyes, and began to rest. Half asleep and half awake, a blanket covered her. She knew it was Xie Huaijin, but she couldn't explain the feeling in her heart. Ever since that day in the cave, she didn't know what feelings she had for Xie Huaijin anymore.
She looked at him with fear and hatred, always unable to care about many things.
She closed her eyes and pretended not to wake up. The young man didn't seem to notice and was quietly flipping through a book beside her.
The carriage was warm and filled with a faint fragrance. The carriage was not moving fast. Ci Ying originally just wanted to close her eyes and take a nap, but in the end she really fell asleep.
There were faint bruises on the girl's fair face. After she fell asleep, the young man in snow-white clothes made a gesture outside the carriage, and the carriage moved more slowly and steadily.
Occasionally, when the quilt on Ciying slipped off, the young man would gently pull the quilt up and tuck it in. His movements were a little awkward, but they were very gentle and did not wake the sleeping person.
Suddenly, Ci Ying struggled awake from her dream, and used her hands and feet to push the quilt out. Her body even hit the table in the middle of the carriage, and she screamed.
Xie Huaijin hurriedly hugged her and called out softly, "Ciying, Ciying..."
Ci Ying raised her eyes and saw the person. Her first reaction was to push him away. She couldn't hide the fear in her eyes: "Let go, let me go..." Her eyes were red and her body was panting rapidly. Xie Huaijin understood that something was wrong. He loosened his hand and changed to patting Ci Ying's back, commanding: "Ci Ying, breathe."
Ci Ying started breathing, and after regaining consciousness, she stopped silently.
The groom stopped to report on the road conditions ahead: "Sir, the snow is getting heavier and heavier. I'm afraid it won't stop tonight. The mountain roads are now piled with snow. The snow hasn't melted yet and it's still falling, forming a thick layer. We haven't cleared it in advance, so it's dangerous to continue traveling at night."
It gets dark early in winter. We had only been traveling for a few hours, but it was already pitch black.
As he was speaking, Mo Yu caught up from behind and said, "There's an inn about a mile away. Sir, why don't we rest there first? I'll send someone to explore the way and melt the snow tonight. You and Madam can set off tomorrow after the snow has melted."
Xie Huaijin nodded coldly and supported Ci Ying, who was still trembling. "Go to the post station to rest first and go back tomorrow."
Ci Ying didn't say anything. Li Sheng and Xie Ran were not there, so there was no need to worry that they would offend Xie Huaijin because of her. Ci Ying didn't even have the energy to pretend.
The carriage started moving in silence again.
During this time, Xie Huaijin looked at Ci Ying indifferently, and neither of them spoke for a long time.
The snow was heavy that year; Ciying had never seen such heavy snow, not even during her time in Chang'an. The snowflakes were as heavy as goose feathers, weighing heavily on the palms of the hands. Within the warm palms, they melted into a pool of snow and slowly fell.
All I could see was a sea of white. It was so white that it was even a little dazzling when I looked at it in broad daylight.
Ci Ying looked at the frozen snow. When she couldn't sleep at night, she could even hear the sound of snow falling on the eaves, rustling one piece after another, bit by bit... as if to seal everything, including her entire soul.
When she woke up in the middle of the night, she found the young man sitting by her bed reading a book.
She could hardly describe how horrifying this scene was. She only knew that the moment she saw Xie Huaijin, her heart stopped.
The only sound left in the world was the sound of falling snow, rustling... rustling... one piece after another. Ci Ying tried to escape in panic, but was hugged by the young man. He seemed to think she was just having a nightmare, and said softly: "It's okay, Ci Ying, it's okay..."
Ci Ying listened to her own heartbeats, "bang," "bang," and she was in a trance back to her youth, where her heart also beat so violently for the man who held her in his arms.
She opened her eyes wide and looked at Xie Huaijin, again and again. After a long moment, she pushed him away and said in a low voice, "Why are you here?"
"I'm worried that you were possessed by a ghost in the carriage during the day." The young man said in a gentle voice, putting down the book in his hand.
Ci Ying lowered her eyes and said, "Next time, you can let Zhu Guang come."
The young man murmured "hmm," and his slender, bony hands stroked the girl's back, which was only covered in a layer of pajamas, and said gently, "Are you feeling better?"
The cool touch came through only a layer of nightgown. Ci Ying almost stood up straight immediately, goose bumps all over her body. She suddenly pushed the man away and whispered, "I'm sleepy. I can't sleep with you here."
"But Ciying was sleeping soundly just now." The young man didn't care about her refusal and put a layer of clothes on her.
The charcoal fire in the house was burning very well, so people shouldn't feel cold inside.
But Ci Ying wrapped her clothes tightly around her and felt herself shivering all over. The young man saw this and held her in his arms, saying gently, "Are you cold?"
Ciying's fingers trembled slightly, and she didn't answer.
She felt like a taut string in front of Xie Huaijin, too tight... too tight, it could break at any time. She knew it was not good, and every part of her body was screaming, but she couldn't control it.
She always couldn't control a lot of things. From childhood to now, she had never been able to control anything well.
Fate always seemed to be like this, playing tricks on her when she made a wish.
In the silent night, I don’t know whose heartbeat it is, or maybe it’s just the snow on the roof, knocking on the door layer by layer.
Later, Ci Ying didn't know how she fell asleep.
She opened her eyes and didn't see Xie Huaijin in the room. She breathed a sigh of relief, but then thought of her current situation and the corners of her lips straightened again. Actually, the happiness she had just felt couldn't be called happiness, but it was happier than opening her eyes and seeing Xie Huaijin. So Ci Ying felt that it was still... "happy."
Ciying felt that she was always worrying about boring things.
When her emotions of joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness became dull, she lost most of her strength.
In a trance, Ci Ying looked at the roof and suddenly wanted to go up.
Higher up, the snow on the roof was thicker, and she wanted to follow the snow up to the sky where snow was falling.
I want to be somewhere very high.
Zhu Guang listened to her nonsense and snapped his fingers: "Easy."
After saying that, Zhu Guang picked up Ci Ying, tapped his feet a few times, and flew to the roof.
"Do you want the highest one?" Zhu Guang said with a chuckle.
Before Ci Ying could say anything, Zhu Guang had already carried her to the highest roof.
"Stand firm... But it doesn't matter if you fall, I will catch Ciying." Zhu Guang said proudly, but there was actually not much happiness in his eyes. He just saw that Ciying was unhappy and tried his best to coax her.
This was not the roof of the house where she lived, but of another, taller building. Looking down, she could see the mountains, all pale white, with only a hint of light green in the distance.
"So high..." Ci Ying said in a daze.
Zhu Guang danced with his sword on the rooftop, the silk ribbon at his waist fluttering towards Ci Ying's face. "It's not that high. I'll take you to higher places in the future. Mountains and cliffs. The scenery you see there will be more breathtaking."
Ci Ying's eyes gradually fixed on Zhu Guang. Zhu Guang smiled at her and took her in his arms to dance with the sword together.
Finally, Zhu Guang took her flying, and they flew over the treetops in the distance little by little. At a higher place, Ci Ying began to see the whole picture of the post station again.
It was a higher place again, and I could see the place where I had just landed.
Zhu Guang watched her bit by bit, and Ci Ying's eyes gradually turned red.
Finally, on a very high cliff, Zhu Guang held her and fell into nothingness. The sound of the wind passed by Ci Ying's ears and hit her body violently. After the sudden feeling of being suspended in the air, she fell rapidly. Ci Ying's throat seemed to be blocked by the wind and snow.
She was about to fall into a field of snow.
She fell into a field of snow.
However, Zhu Guang supported himself under her, blocking all the force. The soft sword slid out a flash of fire under the two of them. Zhu Guang led her to the direction of the soft sword and fell into the snow with her in his arms.
At the moment when she was about to touch the snow, the silk ribbon that had been wrapped around Ci Ying fell off her waist. In a daze, Ci Ying fell into the soft snow.
Zhu Guang was sleeping on the other side of the snow, watching her.
Ciying burst into tears. Zhu Guang reached out and hugged Ciying, pouting and saying, "I told you long ago that I could take you away, but you all kept shouting about ideals and freedom, as if running away meant being a coward and that life would be meaningless."
Zhu Guang wiped the tears from Ciying's face and said seriously, "But Ciying, I don't think these things are as important as you."
There were still tears in Ci Ying's eyes. She looked at Zhu Guang and suddenly laughed.
She hugged Zhu Guang tightly, unable to utter a word, and only kept saying "thank you".
Zhu Guang didn't understand these thanks, because in the end, when it got dark, Ci Ying still asked her to take her back to the post station.
Inside the inn, although it was not yet completely dark outside, the room was already filled with candles.
When Zhu Guang brought Ci Ying into the post station, he saw Mo Yu snorting coldly, then turned and left.
Mo Yu stepped forward and bowed, saying, "The maid has already sent the cold medicine to Madam's room."
Ci Ying paused for a moment, without saying a word, she turned back and opened the door. Sure enough, a bowl of black medicine had been quietly placed on the wooden table.
Next to the medicine, there are some candied dates and hawthorns.
Ci Ying finished eating the candied dates and hawthorns without even glancing at the bowl of medicine.
When Xie Huaijin came in, he saw the empty plate and the cold medicine. Ciying rarely acted like a spoiled child, so he couldn't help but laugh. He said softly, "Why didn't you drink it?"
Ci Ying was writing something when she heard the young man's words and replied softly, "I'm not sick."
"Just to keep the cold away." The young man said in a gentle voice.
Ci Ying, still writing with her brush, whispered, "I don't want to drink."
The room fell into silence for a while. Ci Ying thought that she had to take the medicine today, but when she looked up, she saw only a young man lying on a small couch by the window, reading a book.
Seeing her looking at him, the young man said gently, "You're not sick. If you don't want to drink, then don't drink."
Ciying paused for a moment while holding the pen, and then continued writing.
"When you go to Jiangnan after the New Year, what identity will you use to take on the momentum created by Mr. Li?"
As if they were just chatting about family matters, Ci Ying did not hide anything: "I fabricated the identity of a young lady from a wealthy family."
The young man on the couch was silent for a while, then raised his beautiful eyes and asked, "Was this planned from the beginning?"
Ci Ying knew that the young man understood everything with just this one sentence. Her eyes widened, and a very strange emotion surged in her heart. She whispered, "...Hmm."
Xie Huaijin didn't say anything else, and finally said in a gentle voice: "Ciying, we are husband and wife."
Ci Ying's hand completely stopped, and she whispered, "It's just to create more momentum. The identity of lovers is more eye-catching than an ordinary relationship." After all, in this world, it is common for brothers to steal their sisters' poetry and literary achievements, ingenuity and honor in big families.
"And..." Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin calmly, thought about it and still didn't ask that question.
Don't you care?
The person who could say such a shocking thing as taking Li Sheng into her marriage is now actually revealing their relationship in advance.
"And what?" the young man approached and asked in a gentle voice.
Ci Ying folded up the manuscript in her hand and didn't even look up at him when she spoke: "We don't have to be husband and wife."
The room fell into silence, and the candlelight that had been burning during the day swayed slightly. After a while, Ci Ying finally put down her pen and looked up at Xie Huaijin: "I signed my name and fingerprints on the divorce papers a long time ago. As long as you..."
The young man hugged her gently from behind, then tightened his arms, little by little suppressing the sound coming from behind Ci Ying.
When she was hugged, Ci Ying was still tidying up the manuscripts on the table. Apart from her fingers stiffening for a moment, she didn't even show a trace of surprise.
She heard Xie Huaijin whisper, "Ciying, you know I don't mean that."
Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin indifferently and said nothing.
But the meaning is very clear, you don't mean to separate, but I do.
But she didn't say it out loud. Firstly, it would be useless to say it, and secondly, she didn't want to irritate Xie Huaijin.
She was afraid he would go crazy.
Xie Huaijin hit her weaknesses one after another.
Ci Ying found it a little funny. She could even say such words calmly now.
As the candlelight flickered, the young man rested his head on the girl's shoulder, and his two slender arms wrapped around her from behind. Together with Ci Ying, he looked at the poems scattered on the desk.
He softly recited the poem she had written and whispered, "Another love poem."
Ci Ying didn't quite hear it, her eyes fixed on the faint blue veins on the young man's wrist.
The young man seemed to be leaning on her, but in fact he was just loosely hugging her, without letting her feel any strength. Ci Ying thought back to the past few years and slowly came to a useless conclusion - Xie Huaijin seemed to like this kind of "closeness" very much.
She was folding the letter, and because she was distracted, the sharp letter paper cut her finger, leaving a bloody mark.
The young man frowned almost immediately, and before Ciying could react, he grabbed her wrist. Only when her fingers were wrapped in a white handkerchief did Ciying come to her senses.
......
Ci Ying looked at the person bandaging her from behind and whispered, "It will be fine in a while."
Xie Huaijin didn't say anything, but carefully applied the medicine and wrapped her finger with gauze before speaking: "Minor injuries also need to be treated."
Ciying stopped talking.
She really couldn't understand the person in front of her.
But she didn't want to understand anymore.
She asked, "When can we return to Chang'an?"
"Do you want to go home?" the young man asked her gently.
Ci Ying said honestly, "I want to see Ru Zhen as soon as possible."
Xie Huaijin didn't care; it made no difference to him. As the sky darkened, the young man's face became even more beautiful in the candlelight. "Well... we can go back after the snow melts, but it's been a bit heavy lately. Or maybe we can take the water route."
Ci Ying shook her head: "Then let's wait for the snow to melt."
The young man's eyes softened a little: "Why don't you take the water route? Aren't you seasick?"
Ci Ying whispered, "Zhu Guang should have some. Last time we went on a boat trip..."
"You always seem to go boating with other people." The young man said these boring words, but when he looked up, he saw that Ci Ying didn't listen at all, or even if she heard it, she didn't think it was a big deal.
The room was silent for a long time, and Ci Ying said gently, "Are you going back to rest?"
Xie Huaijin's expression slowly turned cold.
Ci Ying was stunned for a moment, thinking about where she had done wrong again, and added softly: "Can't I... go on a boat trip with others?"
"No."
Xie Huaijin turned and left.
Ci Ying looked at the door that was closed softly by the young man, her eyes paused on the lock, and the next moment, she stood up to lock it.
She didn't want to be scared again in the middle of the night.
She lowered her eyes, and the bandaged wound was visible in the candlelight. It was wrapped in layers of very fine gauze, and on the outside was a bow tied carefully by the young man.
Ci Ying looked at it, then looked away indifferently.
She told herself not to bother with a madman.
As for the future...don't bother with crazy people in the future.
She looked back at her pain, and from the depths of her agony, only one person's name seemed to surface. Ci Ying didn't know why she had given someone the right to hurt her like this. She asked herself, if this person was someone else, could they have trapped her to this extent?
The answer is no.
Ciying knew very well that she couldn't do that.
Apart from Xie Huaijin, no one in this world could trap her to this extent.
She looked at the manuscript on the table, and her fingers gently stroked the gauze on her hand. When she felt a slight pain from her fingertips, she realized that she had untied the annoying bow without knowing when.
Beneath it, there was a wound that had not yet fully healed.
The dark green ointment had long disappeared, leaving only a layer of water. If you get closer, you can still smell the faint fragrance of the ointment. Ci Ying stared at it for a long time. After a while, she tied the thin piece of gauze back on.
Tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, the wound will heal...
If the wound can heal, so can she.
She closed her eyes and imagined the feeling of falling from the cliff today. The wind and snow passed through her eyes. She looked at the pale sky and the vast snowy landscape below her. She almost "sunk" in it, or rather, she almost drowned in it...
The silk ribbon pulled her back to the world.
Ci Ying got up, climbed onto the bed, covered herself with the quilt, pulled the quilt over her head, and then leaned out.
She thought calmly—
So this is what it feels like to not love someone.
It's a very strange feeling, not even hatred.
She touched her heart, and recalled bit by bit what she said to Xie Huaijin that day: "I'm talking about Xie Huaijin, not you."
Of course he is not Xie Huaijin.
Words filled with thoughts.
Of course he can no longer be Xie Huaijin.
She closed her eyes and felt that she would not dream again today.
Ciying will never have a good dream or a nightmare again.
Or, it was a rare opportunity for her to meet the young lady.
......
In the next room, a candle burned all night long.
Xie Huaijin looked at the book in his hand quietly, but for a long time, he didn't turn the pages.
Late in the night, when the young man got up and walked to the next door, he found that the door was locked from the inside.
In the dark and silent night, the young man, as bright as spring flowers, smiled softly, but the smile did not reach his eyes. He raised his eyes to look at the only light left inside the door, indicating that the people inside had gone to bed.
The lights in the corridor cast a slender shadow on the young man, and the shadow swayed slowly with the wind in the corridor, sometimes stretching and sometimes shortening.
The young man would never know what he lost that night, just like a long time ago, when the girl looked at her lover who was as high as the clouds with bright eyes, she did not think about their ruined future.
In the dead of night, the girl turned over and curled up to hug the warm quilt. In her dream, she saw her younger self and the young lady. The young man stood outside the door for a long time, his eyes fixed on the door that could not be opened.
The sky is getting brighter and it seems that daytime is approaching.
【Author’s words】
Writing destiny.
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