Chapter 41
◎Study.◎
Ci Ying was stunned for a moment. Xie Huaijin's reaction caught her off guard.
The young man seemed to have completely shed the outer layer of gentlemanly elegance and brightness. Mockery and viciousness emerged from the thick night, wrapping Ci Ying up layer by layer and almost suffocating him.
Ci Ying realized belatedly that she had made a mistake.
What good would it do her to expose a monster...
The darkness and fear were like a candle flame blown by the cold wind, which dimmed briefly before rekindling its flames.
The girl pinched her own hands, but still couldn't shake the fear and turned to leave.
In a corner of the not-so-spacious study, she could only feel her own faint breathing, fear, and terror, her heart almost stagnating in her chest.
She turned around to leave, but the young man walked towards her slowly, with a faint smile on his lips. His shadow cast by the candlelight climbed up to the girl step by step, and her white nightgown suddenly became dark. The wind and snow outside blew into the house, and Ci Ying's heart began to beat violently.
Besides love and hate, fear and dread are constantly clamoring.
The young man finally walked up to her, lowering his eyes so that Ci Ying could only see the shadow cast by his eyelashes on his face. The young man raised his slender, bony hands and clasped the girl's slender wrist bit by bit, first with his palm, and as the coldness seeped in, he moved his fingers up bit by bit.
The place where he held her hand was exactly where the girl's pulse was beating.
Ci Ying had nowhere to retreat, her entire body pressed against the window. The candlelight intertwined their figures. The young man said gently, "Let go."
Under coercion, the girl was forced to release her hands.
The faint light reflected on the area originally covered by the girl's left hand, which was densely packed with crescent-shaped red marks.
A cold wind blew outside the window again, and the snow melted and fell silently because of the temperature inside the room before it blew into the room.
The chilly wind blew up the long hair of both people, which had just been in a mess. Now both of them had their hair loose, and when their hair touched, it got tangled a little with the wind.
"Ciying, that's not how the bill is calculated."
The young man placed his hands on Ci Ying's shoulders, gently covering them bit by bit. His beautiful phoenix eyes met Ci Ying's scarlet ones. With a slight force, he forced the girl to sit down on the soft couch, and her body trembled.
Xie Huaijin looked down at the girl, his voice slowly returning to its usual gentleness: "Where should I start with the word 'injustice'? From you, from me, or from the love poem on the letter?"
This was the first time Xie Huaijin actually mentioned the flower viewing banquet.
Ciying raised her eyes, her eyelashes trembling slightly.
The young man's voice was gentle, and the bad teasing just now seemed to be a flash in the pan. He stared into her eyes, taking in the lingering confusion in them, and smiled gently.
"When we were in Jiangnan, you told me about General Wei. I don't know where you heard about my aunt's private conversation with me, and who exaggerated the story you heard, so you thought you could use General Wei to...blackmail me?"
Xie Huaijin hesitated on the last word, because he remembered the girl's appearance in Jiangnan, trembling and retreating in fear. It was really difficult for him to define it as "blackmail."
He was thinking, seemingly casually, but his eyes were quietly raised, and his voice was gentle and clear: "You always seem to not believe me. Just now you said that you had not wronged me in any of the things, but Ciying..."
The young man looked deeply into her eyes and said seriously, "Isn't everything I do for your own good?"
Ci Ying couldn't hold it in any longer and looked at Xie Huaijin in disbelief. She seemed to have heard the biggest joke in the world, and for a moment, the fear in her heart gave way.
"For my own good?" she repeated.
"You let Ruzhen become like this for my own good?" She shouted and tried to push him away, but the young man grabbed her shoulder with such force that even Ci Ying felt pain in her raised neck.
As the tension on her shoulders gradually eased, Ci Ying heard the young man in the snow-white coat smile gently, "Ci Ying, there's no such thing as having both. Everyone needs to pay the price for their choices."
Ciying's voice lowered: "What do I want?"
Her upright body gradually collapsed, like a paper lantern that had been soaked in snow and turned into a soft ball after a night of snow. She repeatedly asked, "Xie Huaijin, what do I want?"
She had eyes full of hatred, tears trickling down her cheeks, her voice gradually becoming hoarse from yelling: "The young lady is dead, the lady is dead, Xiaowan is gone, Ruzhen is crazy, and you have forced me back again and again..."
The young man's cold fingertips caught the girl's warm tears, like a quiet listener.
Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin and said softly, "Can you tell me what I want?"
Xie Huaijin chuckled softly, looking at the frail girl calmly, his fingers rolling over the tears on the girl's porcelain-white face, then he raised his hand to lift the girl's face up. His voice was very soft, like a sigh: "Ciying, when will you understand that I don't owe you anything?
Ci Ying's body froze.
When her thoughts were in a state of confusion, the young man lifted her face completely and said softly, "Let alone the fact that Su Wei and my aunt are both my relatives, what does their death have to do with me?"
His hands were rarely gentle. Ci Ying looked at the person in front of her with an awkward expression. Xie Huaijin continued, "You've started bringing up things we've discussed several times, not Su Wei and Auntie. Ci Ying, you're smart. I thought you'd figured things out a long time ago, but now it seems you haven't. My wife ran away once, twice, and three times, but she still hasn't figured out things she should have figured out long ago."
In Ci Ying's panic-stricken eyes, Xie Huaijin bent down and looked into Ci Ying's eyes. The distance was so close that Ci Ying could already see her own shadow in the young man's eyes. She heard the young man counting one by one. The soft white snow-white clothes covered her body, and the light fragrance from before became a little greasy.
The young man stroked her chin and gently turned her face towards him, his tone slightly teasing: "Xiao Wan made a mistake, I didn't forgive her, you blame me; Ru Zhen sought death, I didn't save her, you blame me; Ru Zhen went crazy after you left, I didn't tell you the first time we "met", you still blame me."
At this point, Xie Huaijin chuckled and said softly, "Madam, if something in this world is not to your liking, it always seems to be my fault."
Ci Ying trembled all over as she listened to the young man's last words.
The snow outside suddenly exploded, like the sunshine at noon in summer, illuminating everything.
As the young man looked at her, a bad mood once again appeared in his beautiful eyes. He said slowly, "Between us... am I actually indebted to you?"
The room fell into silence. Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin, not knowing why she could still shed tears.
But the young man had no intention of letting her go. He touched her warm tears with his fingers and asked in a low voice: "From the beginning to the end, was it me who forced them? Was it me who forced you?"
Ciying said nothing, her heart was beating fast and tears were streaming down her face.
No one could predict what would happen next, just like Ci Ying had never realized before that one day she would be settled with accounts one by one by the young man, and those things that were deliberately buried in her memory would be counted out by the young man bit by bit.
"When we were young, you often looked at me presumptuously, but I never took it to heart."
Ci Ying's hands began to tremble. She wanted to cover Xie Huaijin's mouth, but her body had lost all strength. The pain in her waist that she had not felt before suddenly came, and she couldn't even say "stop talking".
"After Su Wei died, my aunt recognized you as Su Wei. Later, you and that maid caused a series of jokes and troubles, but I still didn't hold it against you."
"After the flower viewing banquet, rumors spread all over Chang'an. My aunt threatened to commit suicide to force me to marry you. I sincerely treat you as my wife." Xie Huaijin released the hand that was pinching Ci Ying's chin, allowing her tears to flow. His voice was a little gentler than before: "But what about you, Ci Ying? You ran away again and again for two maids, causing trouble, and you got sick, made a fuss, and cried bitterly because of them. They are your family, aren't I?"
The young man looked at the girl with her head bowed coldly: "Madam, tell me, what do you want?"
Ci Ying had just applied medicine on her lips, and now her tears flowed down, mixed with the medicine and flowed into her lips, turning into a strange bitter taste, as if something was rotten, but she obviously didn't have time to explore it at the moment.
She looked at the arrogant young man, tears falling again and again.
What does she want?
She wanted the back of the young man who had never left the study that day.
To continue the picture of Jiangnan that has not yet been fully unfolded.
She wants love, freedom, and everyone around her to be well.
But at this moment, all she could say was: "I want to separate from you."
She stood up and whispered, "Xie Huaijin, I want to separate from you. I don't want to be your family... I'm not your family. If we separate, all the things you said will no longer exist. You don't have to be good to me anymore. I'm not good, because of you, I'm not good at all."
She pushed his body away and went to the bookshelf to look for the book of separation, but was hugged by the young man, his voice still as gentle as usual: "This won't work."
Ciying's struggle gradually faded, like a fish washed ashore. The moment the sea water gradually receded, she could only see the foam in the sunlight.
"Why not?" After a long time, a girl's low voice came from the study.
The young man slowly put down his pen and said, "We are husband and wife."
Ci Ying stopped moving, stopped struggling, and even her heart stopped beating.
She said, “We may not be.”
The young man shook his head, facing her face, and said softly, "We are, and have always been."
The young man's cool, slender fingers gently stroked Ciying's long hair, pinching Ciying's ear hole bit by bit. His fingers stroked the tiny hole on the girl's earlobe and whispered, "You haven't worn earrings for a long time. The flesh seems to be almost fully grown."
Ci Ying seemed not to hear anything, she was lost in Xie Huaijin's previous sentence.
After a while, she asked, "Xie Huaijin, what do you want?"
The young man stopped stroking her earlobe and said softly, "Ciying, don't you know what I want?"
Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin, but ultimately did not shake her head.
In her silence, the young man said gently, "Marriage is a matter of parents' orders and matchmaker's words. Ciying, you are Madam Xie."
Ci Ying had never thought that she would hear these words again in such an ironic situation. She whispered, "So, as long as I don't run away, you can let everyone go?"
Outside, the wind was blowing with snow, and everything was dark and white. However, the room was not very bright either, and the candlelight not far away had been blown out at some point.
In the study, only the two of them were facing each other. In the dim environment with only a few lights left, the young man slowly took the girl's hand and said softly, "Ciying, not showing favor and not letting go are two different things."
The young man's voice was gentle, as if he was giving advice, but it made Ci Ying's hair stand on end.
"Madam, all the things you mentioned are simply things I haven't done for you." He looked at the girl before him gently, as if to enlighten her. "Because of you, I am occasionally willing to spend some time on those servants, but that's because of you. As for the harm and conspiracy you imagined, Ciying, if I really did do it, I wouldn't let you see it."
As if he was tired of playing a certain game, Xie Huaijin openly called those people slaves, and looked at the girl in front of him with indifferent eyes.
Ci Ying looked at him, looked at him for a long time, just like before.
But the strange innocence in her eyes was gone, tears mixed with unspeakable sadness. She asked, "You didn't do anything, why did Ru Zhen go crazy?"
Hearing this, Xie Huaijin caressed the girl's head affectionately and asked, "Madam, do you really not know?"
After saying that, the young man slowly took off the blood-stained gauze in his hand and wrapped it around Ci Ying's wrist bit by bit. He didn't use much strength, and the hastily treated wound was still bleeding, but Xie Huaijin didn't care at all.
"Have a good rest. It's late at night and the snow is blowing hard outside. We'll go back tomorrow."
After saying his last few words softly, the young man left.
Ci Ying looked at the closed door and fell onto the couch, with the blood-stained gauze hanging loosely in her hand. After a while, Ci Ying silently untied it. The gauze balled up in her hand, but then scattered as the girl loosened her hand.
She lowered her head in silence, as if she felt she should have a good cry.
She should be thankful that she finally found the only way to survive in this game.
It would be nice to be Xie Huaijin’s wife.
Just be Mrs. Xie.
I wish she wasn’t Ciying.
If... this is a way to survive.
Ci Ying stared blankly into the distance, a vast expanse of snow. Even the single "star" had dimmed, a light she didn't know when. She curled up on the couch, feeling not cold at all. A chill was more appropriate, coming from deep within her bones, slowly freezing her.
After a long time, Mo Yu came in and brought in a female doctor.
Ci Ying wasn't sure if it was Xie Huaijin's order, but she saw Mo Yu as if she saw Xie Huaijin. She didn't really know Mo Yu well, having only heard Zhu Guang mention him a few times when he was drunk. The thing that impressed Ci Ying the most was Zhu Guang's description of Mo Yu as a soft-hearted person.
Back then in Jiangnan, Zhu Guang lay beside her, drunkenly clinging to her, and said to her, "Ciying, I love you!"
She asked why, and Zhu Guang counted on his fingers and said a lot, and finally said softly: "Because you are like Mo Yu, you are a very soft-hearted person..."
At that time, Ci Ying only felt that beauty was in the eyes of her lover, but she still remembered it.
She was not looking at Mo Yu. The female doctor greeted her and came up to take her pulse. After obtaining Ci Ying's permission, the female doctor first removed the gauze on Ci Ying's wrist, and then began to examine her carefully.
A quarter of an hour later, when it was time to apply the medicine, Mo Yu went out.
Medicine had been applied to her lips and wrists, and the female doctor mainly treated the scar on her waist. This inevitably made Ci Ying think of Ru Zhen. She lowered her eyes and did not hear the female doctor's calls.
"Madam..." the doctor called again. Ci Ying finally heard and whispered, "What's wrong?"
The female doctor pointed at the bruise on Ciying's waist, knelt on the ground and applied ointment on her hands, reminding her, "Madam, it may be a little painful."
Ci Ying shook her head to indicate that she was fine.
The doctor then began to work, smearing the smooth ointment on her hands, and rubbing the bruise away bit by bit. During this time, the doctor observed Ciying's expression and found that Ciying was in a daze most of the time, her eyes looking into the distance. But when the doctor carefully looked into the distance, she found nothing.
The female doctor didn't dare to say much about this. She rubbed the wounds, applied medicine one by one, and then got up and left.
After the female doctor left, the study became quiet again.
It was so quiet that Ci Ying could hear the sound of snow falling outside. She felt as if she had turned into a snowflake, slowly falling from the sky.
The girl lay down on the soft couch. After rubbing the wound on her waist, she felt less pain. She looked at the high beams and for some reason thought of the embroiderer.
The embroiderer looks too much like a mother, and therefore too little like a mother.
The memories of the embroiderer in her memory were becoming less and less. When she was persecuted by the scholar in her childhood, the embroiderer did not protect her, but when she was sold, she acted so fiercely and finally committed suicide by jumping into a well.
When she thought of it occasionally, she only thought of the embroiderer's blind eyes.
Occasionally she would think of the scholar. She thought she would only think of this person when her life was boring, but no... She even thought of the scholar more than the embroiderer. She stared at her own shadow along the way and understood that the scholar had planted an indelible root in her heart.
Rather than resentment, her feelings tend to be more complicated.
As for Xie Huaijin...
Ci Ying could no longer remember. Only today did she slowly understand what Xie Huaijin wanted. How could the high and mighty son of the Xie family allow a maid to disobey?
How could a maidservant just leave without saying anything and just leave?
Of course not.
Even though he kept calling her "Madam," in essence, just like when she was first summoned by the Xie family's Patriarch to kneel in the study for a whole day, no matter what her status was, in the eyes of these people—
Once a slave, always a slave.
Under absolute inequality, she has no right to leave.
Beneath Xie Huaijin's gentle and gentlemanly appearance, flowing within is an authoritarian power that brooks no disobedience.
She didn't know why she was so tired, but Ci Ying couldn't fall asleep at all. She even wanted to keep her eyes open, and when she couldn't hold it any longer and closed her eyes, she felt like she was crying again.
she......
What about her?
What can she do.
Ci Ying climbed to her feet and looked out the window, once again feeling the urge to fall. Everything that had happened at the post station that day seemed to be repeating itself. Ci Ying looked up into the sky, but couldn't see very far.
The windowsill she could climb up to alone was too low...
Ci Ying realized that she couldn't have a moment's sleep in this study where so many things had happened, so she stood up, opened the door and prepared to go back.
It was late at night and the snow was heavy. She didn't think that Xie Huaijin made her stay in the study and wait for Zhou Da because of these things. It was more like a punishment. After all, she had committed a crime in his heart, so the young man gently sentenced her in the name of concern.
Ci Ying stood up and opened the door, stumbling a little. The maid on night watch saw her and hurriedly supported Ci Ying: "Madam."
The guard at the gate also looked over when he heard this and saluted her, but when Ciying reached the gate of the courtyard, he did not let her go out.
"The young master has given the order, please forgive me, Madam." The guards lowered their heads, not even daring to look at Ci Ying.
Another layer of snow fell in the yard. Ci Ying whispered, "I just want to go back to my house."
The guards still shook their heads: "Madam, please forgive me."
Ci Ying's face was as pale as snow, and she had even lost the strength to breathe. When she was about to say something, Mo Yu came out from the side and said, "You two, take the lady back."
The two guards hesitated and said, "But the Master said..."
Mo Yu gave him a cold look, and the guards responded, "Yes, Chief."
Ci Ying then knew that these two people were also from the Dark Guard Camp. Zhu Guang had told her that only people from the Dark Guard Camp would call Mo Yu "leader".
Along the way, Mo Yu always walked slower than Ci Ying and remained respectful to his master.
In front of the yard, Ci Ying thought for a moment before whispering, "Thank you."
Mo Yu shook her head: "Madam, if you want to know about Miss Ru Zhen, I will ask Zhu Er to send the file to your room later."
Ci Ying hesitated for a moment, then said, "Sorry for the trouble."
As soon as she pushed the door open and walked in, Zhu Guang hugged her and said worriedly, "Why are you so pale? Who sent you back, Ciying, Ciying!"
Ci Ying wanted to tell Zhu Guang not to worry, but she was no longer able to speak. After lying in the study for a long time without falling asleep, Ci Ying walked for a while late at night on a snowy day, and finally exhausted the last bit of strength in her body.
Zhu Guang screamed in fright, calling Ci Ying's name while hugging her tightly. He subconsciously took her pulse before frowning and carrying her into the room.
"Go call the court doctor, quickly!" Zhu Guang ordered the maid outside, who hurriedly ran out of the yard holding up her skirt.
A quarter of an hour later, the doctor arrived.
Zhu Guang gave up the seat next to Ci Ying: "Sorry for the trouble."
This was the second time the doctor had come to examine Ciying today. She skillfully placed her fingers on Ciying's pulse and said to Zhu Guang after a moment, "Don't worry, young lady. Madam is just exhausted. I've treated her other injuries before, so they're not serious."
The female doctor wrote a prescription: "Ask the kitchen to boil a few doses of medicine for Madam these days, one dose each morning and evening. Have Madam take it while it's warm, and take some medicated food to nourish your body. I'll give the prescription to the young lady, and please tell the kitchen to pay attention to it." Then, the female doctor hesitated for a moment, looked at Ci Ying's pale face in her sleep, and then looked at Zhu Guang again, whispering: "The young lady, please enlighten Madam, and don't let her be depressed. If this continues, she will definitely develop a heart disease..."
Zhu Guang said "thank you", wiped his eyes, and sent the doctor out.
The secret guard naturally wouldn't cry easily, but when Zhu Guang looked at Ci Ying, his eyes unconsciously turned red.
In Zhu Guang's world, she didn't understand many things. For example, why Mo Yu didn't want her anymore, why the young master was unwilling to let Ci Ying go, and why Ci Ying didn't leave with her at the post station that day.
Zhu Guang looked at the sword in his hand and felt for the first time that there were things in the world that could not be solved by killing.
【Author’s words】
It is a modified version~[Cat's Paw]
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