Chapter 57
◎ Life experience. ◎
Su Xueruo waited for Ciying's answer, her eyes filled with mixed emotions. She tightly grasped Ciying's hand and repeated over and over again: "Ciying, you want to know, right?"
Although he said the prayer, his tone was very sure.
Ci Ying wanted to know. She opened her mouth slightly. Su Xueruo's eyes widened with joy. Ci Ying said softly, "I can help you."
Before Su Xueruo could even breathe a sigh of relief, she heard Ci Ying continue, "I can find a good pair of parents for the Crown Prince and ensure he's safe and sound until he comes of age."
Su Xueruo's eyes widened, and she was about to say something else when Ci Ying stopped her. Ci Ying looked at Su Xueruo calmly, then said, "But this isn't a deal. I didn't agree to settle the Crown Prince just because of the information you told me about his biological parents."
Ci Ying could have just agreed to Su Xueruo directly. It was Su Xueruo who plotted against her first, and going back on her word after she knew it was just a strategy, but Ci Ying didn't want to.
Su Xuerou slumped down. Ci Ying's look made her realize she had no chance. She stubbornly said, "Why? You clearly didn't lose money on this deal. I didn't even touch the people around you. I've made sure they were properly settled."
Ci Ying looked Su Xueruo in the eye and said seriously, "Then you should also understand that the reason you can stand before me and talk to me properly right now is precisely because Xiaowan is safe and sound. Su Xueruo, I don't have the habit of forcing anyone to help me. If you're not willing to work towards a better future for the Crown Prince, I'll pretend we've never met today."
Ci Ying waited for Su Xueruo's answer. Su Xueruo's eyes clearly flashed with hesitation. Ci Ying stopped where she was, waiting for Su Xueruo's choice. The palace was very quiet for a while, as if one could hear the sound of snow falling outside.
After a long while, Su Xueruo still didn't speak. Ci Ying said softly, "I have to leave first. If you have made up your mind, you can send someone to tell me later. My promise will be valid until you die."
The naked word "death" made Su Xueruo's eyes tremble. She slowly loosened her grip on Ci Ying's hand, but clenched it again the next moment. A sharp pain came from her hand. Ci Ying lowered her eyes and looked at Su Xueruo.
The woman who had first met her was like ice and snow, now like a withered flower, all her colors faded. When she placed her fingers on it, she could only smell the fragrance of the past. Su Xueruo looked at Ci Ying with a complicated look and whispered, "Okay, can you swear to me that you will treat Yu'er well in the future?"
Ci Ying shook her head at Su Xuerou's expectation: "Su Xuerou, I don't owe you anything. I will do what I said in the lobby today. Believe it or not."
Su Xueruo bit her lip and finally said "Okay" after a while. She was at her wit's end. She looked at Ci Ying with complicated eyes and asked softly, "Why?"
Ci Ying slowly helped Su Xueruo up from the ground. Su Xueruo looked at her with trembling eyes. Ci Ying brushed the dust off Su Xueruo's clothes and said, "I don't know how many mistakes you've made, and I can't forgive you on behalf of others. But I thank you on behalf of many people for defying public opinion and establishing a girls' school in the palace. One day, women all over the world will have the opportunity to study in academies just like the women in the palace."
Su Xueruo stood there in a daze. She could never have imagined that it was because of this. She whispered, "It's you, it's you..." When she first proposed to establish a girls' school in the palace, the news about her plan to establish a girls' school spread like wildfire outside the palace.
Unlike the emperor's stupidity, which should have caused an uproar, most of the public opinion was praising him. She found out that there was someone helping her behind the scenes, and the money and connections she spent on this were countless. Su Xueruo never thought that this person would be Ci Ying, the person she had always looked down upon.
Ci Ying said softly, "Yes, it's me."
Su Xueruo's face was full of panic, her eyes became more and more complicated. She took a step back but stopped abruptly. She subconsciously tightened her grip on Ci Ying's hand. Su Xueruo's hesitation and indecision were written on her face.
Perhaps it was because she had just learned that the person who had helped her was Ci Ying, or perhaps it was because she was truly concerned for her young child, or perhaps it was because a dying man's words were kind, Su Xueruo looked at Ci Ying with uncertainty, her voice soft, "I didn't lie to you, Ci Ying..."
For some reason, Su Xueruo's tone became awkward when she called out this name. Something was fighting in her mind, and she finally said hesitantly: "Do you want to know who your biological parents are..."
Ci Ying looked at Su Xueruo, and seemed to hear the sound of snow falling outside again. She was like a branch, with snow covering her layer by layer. She was carrying layers of snow, and her eyes drooped and her voice was lowered.
"In no mood."
Ci Ying said softly in Su Xueruo's surprised eyes.
She broke free from Su Xueruo's hand, straightened the messy golden hairpin on Su Xueruo's head, and said softly, "Spend more time with the children in your final days. Don't think too much. Accompany the children to see spring. The winter in Chang'an is too cold. Su Xueruo, spend this winter well."
After saying that, Ci Ying turned and left.
Su Xueruo stood alone in the abandoned palace, feeling bewildered by Ci Ying's gentleness. She had never seen anyone like Ci Ying in her life. Even Xie Qingyu had many requests for her.
But Ci Ying didn't. Su Xueruo looked at Ci Ying's departing back for a long time, silent at the generosity shown by Ci Ying.
The pain in her abdomen made Su Xueruo fall to the ground, but her eyes were always on Ci Ying from beginning to end. She seemed to understand why someone like Xie Huaijin would stop because of Ci Ying. Su Xueruo chuckled, and tears fell as she laughed. Everything in the distance became blurred in her tears.
In the distance, Ciying was supported by Lingyue and Xiaowan who had been waiting outside the hall. Lingyue repeated what the doctor said, and Ciying bent down and gently touched Xiaowan's bulging belly. It was not known whether Xiaowan was naturally thin or what, but even though she was only five months old, Ciying already felt it was a little scary.
She held Xiaowan's hand and told her to take good care of herself, and move to Xie Mansion to live for half a year, and then go back after the baby was born. Xiaowan touched her belly and whispered "not good". Lingyue came up to persuade her, but after persuading her for a long time, Xiaowan still said it was not good. So Ciying compromised and said to hire a female doctor for Xiaowan to help her with the pregnancy.
Xiaowan finally agreed, and when she saw Lingyue's red and swollen eyes, her own eyes also turned red.
Ci Ying wiped it left and right, and two pairs of red and swollen eyes looked at her. Ci Ying chuckled and said, "Let's go." Xiaowan and Lingyue both nodded.
Several people walked into the snow together. Ci Ying turned around to look at the palace, but before she could see anything, Ling Yue grabbed her hand and said, "Master, be careful. There is a rock ahead."
Ci Ying turned around and stepped over the stone. The high snow on the roadside wet her dress bit by bit. The snow was flying all over the sky, and the umbrella above her head could not cover the vast white sky and earth.
Half an hour after returning home, Ci Ying met Xie Huaijin who had arrived late.
The young man had obviously hurried back, and even with his umbrella, some snow had fallen on his shoulders. Ci Ying went up to him and said softly, "It's not the heavy snow that blocked the road. There's no need to rush. There's nothing going on at home..."
Before she could finish her words, the young man hugged her in his arms.
Ci Ying heard a heartbeat for the first time in a long time. She lowered her eyes, dwelling in the young man's heartbeat, which alternated between warmth and coldness. She took the initiative to talk about Su Xueruo. She whispered, "I will find a wealthy businessman to be the prince's parents, far away from Chang'an. As for how his life will turn out, I'll leave it to fate."
Xie Huaijin listened carefully, without saying "yes" or "no", but simply said, "It's up to you to decide."
Ci Ying raised her hand and touched Xie Huaijin's face, and whispered, "Are you unhappy?"
The young man said softly, "No." After that, Xie Huaijin looked at Ci Ying and said softly, "I just didn't expect that the heavy snow would block the road and I wouldn't be able to make it back. I promised you but didn't keep my promise. I can't find you. Ci Ying, I'm very sorry."
Ci Ying was stunned for a moment and wanted to say "nothing", but she was caught by the young man's gentle eyes and warm lips. Ci Ying closed her eyes gently, and something in her heart was beating.
At that time, she thought, everything was getting better.
Later she thought, everything is indeed getting better.
On the seventh day after New Year's Eve, news of Su Xueruo's death came from the palace. Even Lingyue was silent and said to Ciying: "...evil will be punished." Although she said so, Lingyue's tone was not really one of revenge. She felt a little strange when someone she had just met recently died.
Ci Ying said lightly: "Things in the world are unpredictable."
Lingshuang brought ginger tea and said, "Master, Lingyue, have a drink. You just came back from outside."
After drinking the warm ginger tea, the atmosphere in the room became better. Lingyue forgets things quickly and soon started talking about interesting things in Chang'an City. Ciying laughed as she listened, but soon remembered something and was a little dazed for a while.
In the past, it was Xiaowan who told her these things. She had no idea where she heard the news from, but it always filled her free time every day. Ciying thought of Xiaowan and sighed softly.
At that time, she was wondering why Xiaowan's husband had not said a word after being captured for so many days. Su Xueruo did not capture Xiaowan's husband as well. Logically, her husband should have come to Chang'an to inform her of the news a few days ago, but she didn't know about it until Su Xueruo couldn't help but put Xiaowan's personal pendant in the invitation.
Later, when they were sending Xiaowan back, they discovered that there were three graves in the hunter's yard. He said that if something happened to Xiaowan, these would be the graves of their family. Ciying took advantage of Xiaowan's absence to ask the hunter why he didn't ask her for help. The incident was caused by her. Su Xueruo's people must have left a message for the hunter when they took Xiaowan away.
The hunter hadn't slept for days because of his worry. When Ci Ying asked about it, the hunter glanced inside the house and lowered his head, saying, "Xiao Wan said that no matter what, I can't bother you. You are a noble man and have saved her life twice..."
Ci Ying was stunned for a moment, then looked at the three graves in the yard and didn't speak for a long time.
Coming back to his senses, Ci Ying looked at Ling Yue and said softly, "I haven't asked you yet, but you are also old enough to leave the house."
Lingyue was about to swallow the ginger tea in her mouth. Lingshuang also quieted down and listened to Ciying continue: "I don't know what your plans are. I gave you the slave contract a long time ago. If you have other plans, you can tell me."
Lingyue and Lingshuang looked at each other and knelt down.
Ci Ying hurriedly stood up and helped the two of them up, but Lingyue and Lingshuang insisted on kneeling.
Ling Shuang, who was always aloof, was the first to speak: "We promised Madam that we would always stay by the Master's side."
Lingyue also said: "Unless we die, we will not leave our master."
Seeing her trying to chase them away, Ci Ying couldn't help but smile helplessly. She helped the two of them up and said softly, "Madam was worried about me back then, but I'm fine now. Lingyue Lingshuang, I want you to have a chance to choose."
She said in a serious voice, "The world is big. You have been to Dingyang, Anhuai, and Jiangnan. You know there are many other worlds in the world. You don't need to be trapped here because of me."
Lingyue and Lingshuang both shook their heads and looked at Ciying.
Ling Yue said, "It's not just because of Madam's last words. I want to stay with the Master forever. My sister must want to too. Master, please don't chase us away."
Lingshuang also nodded slightly.
Ci Ying smiled gently and said, "Okay, but if you have other ideas in the future, you can tell me anytime."
Lingyue breathed a sigh of relief and walked forward to hug Ciying's arm. Lingshuang rarely said "it's against the rules" and just watched with a smile, going to the window and closing it a little.
On the second day after Su Xueruo's death, Ci Ying received a letter from the secret guard saying that the prince had been settled and had a new name. The wealthy businessman's surname was Yang, so he was named Le, hoping that the child would be healthy and happy.
When Ci Ying heard the report, she simply said it was a "good name".
The snow outside the window has not stopped yet. This year the snow has been falling for an especially long time.
Seven days after Su Xueruo's death, Ci Ying received a letter from her. She lowered her eyes and tore it open, only to find another envelope within another envelope. It read, "Ci Ying, in my final days, I've been debating whether to send this letter to you. I don't regret anything I've done. Right or wrong, success or failure, doesn't really mean much, so I'm leaving the choice to you. This letter contains your life story, Ci Ying. I'm not sure if you should know."
There is also a bead in the envelope.
Ling Shuang, who was standing by, saw it and thought it looked familiar. She took it from Ci Ying and went to search in the closet. Finally, she took out the dress Ci Ying had worn that day at the palace banquet. She compared the tiny glass bead with the one on it and said to Ci Ying, "Master, it is indeed on this dress."
Ci Ying read again the words Su Xueruo wrote on the second envelope, her eyes looking at the candle burning on the table not far away. She sat in the warm room, but her heart was terribly depressed.
She looked at the thin envelope in her hand, and after a while, she couldn't help but tear open the envelope.
There was only a very thin piece of paper inside. When Ci Ying took the paper out with her slender fingers, she found that the paper was extremely soft, as soft as the skin on the palm of a human hand. The ink on it was like blood. Ci Ying looked at the half of her life that she had never known.
Su Xueruo's handwriting is very delicate and her words are very concise.
The story goes something like this: a lady in distress fled to a mountain temple to avoid being hunted by her enemies, and happened to meet a failed scholar and his embroiderer couple who had been serving him all the way.
Seeing that the noble lady was extraordinary, the scholar rushed to curry favor with her, pretending to be kind enough to help her avoid being hunted down, and took the pregnant lady back to the countryside.
In order to thank the couple, the noble lady gave all the silver and jewelry she had to the scholar. The scholar asked the lady indirectly if she could find him an official position in the future, saying that this was what he had wanted all his life, but unfortunately he had always been unlucky.
The noblewoman didn't understand the scholar's veiled message, assuming he was devoted to learning. She promised to return home with a roomful of precious books as a token of her gratitude. The scholar was deeply disappointed, but he concealed his disappointment. He gazed at the exquisite jewelry, and his desire was not for the money, but for the noblewoman's bulging belly.
The noble lady lived in the scholar's house for two whole months. It was the embroiderer who delivered the baby on the day her water broke. When the noble lady woke up, she saw only a dead baby boy. She burst into tears and fainted several times, but she still comforted the scholar and the embroiderer, saying that it was not their fault, and that she would give them more silver as a reward when she returned.
Later, the noble lady was taken back home, and the scholar and the embroiderer were indeed rewarded with a large sum of money and a large collection of books. However, the scholar used the money to buy an official position, and ended up being cheated. The scholar and the embroiderer sold the books again. Fearing that the baby-swapping would be exposed, the whole family moved to a place a little further away.
The noble lady was depressed because of her child's death. She died of illness less than two years after she returned. Before her death, she looked for the scholar and the embroiderer to repay them, but to no avail because the scholar and the embroiderer had already moved away with their family.
Ci Ying paused for a moment and slowly closed the letter.
Her eyes trembled as she picked up the teacup beside her, but she couldn't taste the flavor in her mouth.
Ling Yue was still saying, "What's wrong, Master?"
Lingshuang noticed something was wrong and grabbed Lingyue's sleeve as she was about to go up. After a long while, Ciying said softly, "You guys go out first. I want to rest for a while."
After the two of them left, Ci Ying put down the teacup, picked up the letter and slowly walked to the table, letting the dancing flames climb up the soft paper until it burned her hand and caused a little pain, then Ci Ying let go.
All the ashes fell, and after Ci Ying turned her thoughts back a little, she felt a burning sensation on her hand.
She looked out the window. The sky was covered with heavy snow, and all she could see was white. An endless sense of confusion spread in her heart. She didn't know what to think about first. If she could, she thought, she would not open the letter again.
The door was pushed open, Ci Ying took the umbrella from the maid, walked along the corridor, walked through the garden, and came to an icy pond. Standing on the bridge, she could see the fish swimming in it.
Ci Ying held the umbrella and watched for a long time, until her hands and feet were cold and she couldn't get rid of the depression in her heart. She looked at everything that had been foreshadowed, and after thinking for a long time, she could only say that it was fate.
She thought of the woman she had never met, her real mother, and the embroiderer, her eyes blinded by tears and her rotten hands. The umbrella in Ciying's hand slipped quietly, and the snow fell silently on her shoulders, turning into snow water. She lowered her eyes to look at the fish swimming in the water, her heart beating very lightly.
It seemed like she should give an explanation, but she didn't know who to look for.
The scholar who had long disappeared, the embroiderer who had long ago committed suicide by jumping into the well, and Xie Huaijin.
It’s still Xie Huaijin.
Ci Ying bent down to pick up the umbrella from the ground, walked slowly, passed the garden, then passed the corridor, and finally returned to her room. She looked at the dancing flames with her body stiff, and suddenly bent over and vomited. Her tears burst out at this moment.
She didn't even know why she was crying.
Perhaps it was because she wanted to whitewash everything, as if everything was finally getting better, but then it completely turned bad. She was not surprised at all, and even expected this day to come, but when it finally came, she still couldn't describe the feeling in her heart.
She seemed to be supposed to confront Xie Huaijin, but this kind of thing had happened millions of times, and it seemed that this time would be no different.
Why...why, why?
Ci Ying didn't know why, but as she looked at the yellow water vomited out on the ground, her tears couldn't come out. She thought about everything that was about to happen and even wanted to laugh. She wiped the dirt on her mouth with a handkerchief, and picked up the tea to rinse her mouth again and again. The windows in the house were blown open by the cold wind, and Ci Ying was shivering all over from the cold.
She got up and wrapped herself in a quilt, but she was still cold. She took two hot water bottles and stuffed them into the quilt, but she was still cold. The window was clearly closed, but she could still hear the sound of the wind and snow outside. She closed her eyes, and the white snow seemed to be right in front of her.
She felt like vomiting. If she had not consummated her marriage with Xie Huaijin, even if Su Xueruo told her that Xie Huaijin had already taken the infertility drug, Ci Ying might still have asked a doctor to take a look.
Ci Ying was thinking aimlessly, staring at the ceiling of the bed with her eyes open.
She covered herself with the quilt, trying to hold back the tears. She had known for a long time that it was useless. At first she couldn't hold it back, but later she could hold it back little by little.
Ci Ying stopped wasting herself aimlessly. She stuck her head out from under the quilt and softly called Ling Shuang over.
When Lingshuang came in, Ciying lowered her head and said softly, "Go to Zezhiyuan and ask when the young master will be back today."
Xie Huaijin has been very busy lately, leaving early and returning late, and occasionally he and her would dine together. Since he hadn't told her in advance today, he probably meant to be back later.
Ling Shuang glanced at Ci Ying and said softly, "Okay, I'll go ask now."
Ci Ying nodded lightly, then said, "By the way, Ling Shuang, please give me some calming incense. I want to take a nap first."
Lingshuang quickly said yes and got up to light incense.
Ciying took off her clothes, went to bed, and fell asleep quietly.
The soothing fragrance that she had never liked spread slowly in the room. Ci Ying went from being quiet at first, to frowning, and then slowly her expression faded away, finally turning into the white, icy snow in her dream. Ci Ying, who was soundly asleep, shivered and the corners of her lips straightened slowly in the fragrance.
When Xie Huaijin heard the news from the secret guard, he tried his best to put aside the things at hand and wanted to go back to see Ciying as soon as possible.
After arriving at the house, he went directly to Ciying's yard, but Lingshuang told him that Ciying was sleeping.
The door was tightly closed and the window was slightly open. Xie Huaijin could smell a faint soothing fragrance from inside.
He didn't push the door open again. He had just returned from outside in a hurry and hadn't changed his clothes yet. He was cold and worried about passing it on to Ciying. The room was warm, so he didn't feel cold after being outside for so long, but Ciying wasn't sure.
The heat and cold, Ci Ying might catch a cold. Now that the weather is bad, she will definitely feel very uncomfortable. Thinking of this, Xie Huaihuaijin whispered: "Then wait for Madam to wake up and tell her that I am already at the mansion. Then go make a pot of ginger tea. Forget it, send someone to tell me when Madam wakes up..."
As the wind and snow grew stronger, Xie Huaijin looked gently at the room where Ci Ying was, then stood up and left.
The young man was wearing a jade-green robe, which looked very handsome. He had a tall figure and looked like he had merged into the wind and snow from a distance. He was holding an umbrella, but the snow still fell on the young man's shoulders. His eyes were gentle and he took out a string of candied haws from his sleeve. It was cold, and he searched for a long time before he found the old man from last time. The old man said that hawthorns buried in the snow were the sweetest.
【Author’s words】
Thank you, the dog is really bad...
The sins I committed before are enough to bring back a lot of old scores [dissolved]
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