Chapter 69
◎ disease. ◎
Xie Huaijin didn't look at Guang, he was looking at Ci Ying.
The bitter taste of medicine wafted from the tip of his tongue, mixed with the faint smell of blood, becoming part of the young man's silent retention.
He looked at Ci Ying, tentatively said "Forget it if it's not convenient", but pursed his lips. His slender, mottled fingers unconsciously pinched the quilt, and his eyes were filled with endless attachment as he looked at Ci Ying.
Perhaps it was because he was about to die. After being tortured by illness for several days, the eldest son of the Xie family, who had always been able to hide his thoughts, finally breathed a sigh of relief. Those plans of life and death became empty talk after seeing Ci Ying, just like a long time ago.
The young man silently confessed his vulnerability without expecting anything in return.
But Ciying is a benevolent savior.
There are many people in the world, and where she stopped, there happened to be a sickly young man who was dying.
She stared into his eyes silently, without saying "yes" or "no", she just stayed.
And just as the young man said, he was not awake for long each day, and he even fell asleep before the end. Ci Ying stood in the scorching light, took a slow breath, and the tears falling from her eyes were cold.
Everyone should laugh.
But no one laughed.
Ci Ying walked up and wiped the sweat from the young man's forehead, covered him with a clean towel, and then walked out.
Zhu Yi, Zhu Er, and Zhu Guang were waiting for her outside. Zhu Yi and Zhu Er stood up to check on the unconscious Xie Huaijin inside. Zhu Guang silently held Ci Ying's hand. Ci Ying, still recovering from her recent emotions, noticed Zhu Guang's red eyes and whispered, "What's wrong?"
Zhu Guang said, "I'm sorry, Ciying..."
Zhu Guang was probably referring to the address on the letter. Ci Ying didn't understand why he was apologizing. She raised her hand to touch Zhu Guang's tears and whispered, "Thank you for telling me."
Zhu Guang threw himself into Ci Ying's arms, sobbing and saying "I'm sorry" over and over again.
Ci Ying touched Zhu Guang's head and after a while asked softly, "What did the doctor say?"
As they were talking, Zhu Yi came out of the room. Ci Ying actually could no longer recognize Zhu Yi and Zhu Er. It was only when Zhu Yi called out "Miss Ci Ying" that Ci Ying recognized them.
Zhu Guang lowered his eyes silently and motioned for Zhu Yi to speak.
Zhu Yi had always been taciturn, but now, being watched by two pairs of eyes, he could only utter three words sparingly: "It depends on fate."
Ci Ying blinked slightly. "Well-read" and "learned" were not an exaggeration to describe her. But at this moment, she did not quite understand what Zhu Yi said. "It all depends on fate." What fate?
Ci Ying looked at Zhu Guang again, and Zhu Guang's lowered head explained everything.
Ci Ying said softly, "Is there no other way?"
Zhu Guang seemed to not want Ci Ying to know anything. He took Ci Ying's hand and was about to leave, but was stopped by Ci Ying. She looked at the silent Mo Yu, waiting for an answer.
Seeing that he couldn't pull Ci Ying, Zhu Guang let go of her hand. Zhu Guang lowered his eyes and twisted his sleeves with his fingers.
There are some things that they can't say unless the young master tells Ciying himself.
It’s not that Zhu Guang favors the young master, but it’s precisely because she favors Ci Ying that it’s even harder to say.
The moments when those young people silently sought death paved the way for their daily unconsciousness and incurable death.
Telling Ciying the reason why the young master wanted to commit suicide would only seem absurd and heavy.
No one wants Ciying to carry such a heavy burden, not even the young master himself. This matter has nothing to do with Ciying. Even Zhu Er, who is the most unreasonable person here, can't say it.
After a long while, Zhu Yi said, "The doctor only told you to take the medicine well."
Ci Ying glanced back and forth between the two people, and thinking of the scene of her feeding medicine just now, she understood something.
She said softly, "Yeah, I see."
Under Zhu Guang's guidance, Ci Ying pushed open the door to Xie Huaijin's study.
Unlike the one in Xie's house, this one was very simple. There was only a row of bookshelves made of some unknown wood, with a few books scattered on them. Ci Ying opened them one by one and found that they were just some children's reading materials. As expected, they were left by the previous owner of the house.
Ci Ying sat at the desk and searched for a while, looking inside and outside, but found nothing.
Very clean.
Or rather, it's very empty.
If Zhu Guang hadn't said that Xie Huaijin had spent most of the day here, she would have thought that this was a house that hadn't been visited for a long time. Ci Ying leaned her hands on the table, watching the sun move westward bit by bit.
It was not until dark that Ci Ying took out a letter and asked Ling Yue to take it back to Yan Ji.
In front of the carriage, Zhu Er, who had been silent all this time, jumped out and said, "Madam, please stay here for a few days."
Zhu Er has become more and more like Zhu Yi in recent years, and even speaks less and less. Ci Ying paused for a moment and continued to explain the matters concerning Ling Yue and Yan Ji. She was indeed planning to stay for a few days.
Lingyue got on the carriage and saw that Ciying did not go back with Lingyue. The people in the yard had different expressions.
Zhu Guang pulled Ci Ying and said that he had cleaned out the room this afternoon. After thinking for a while, Zhu Guang added: "It's not far from the young master's yard." After saying that, Zhu Guang looked at Ci Ying cautiously.
Ci Ying said "OK" softly, and then said to Zhu Yi and Zhu Er, "Could you please have the doctor come to our house tomorrow?"
She wanted to know what exactly was wrong with Xie Huaijin's illness.
Ciying said it politely, but Zhuyi took it as an order and did it: "Yes."
night.
Ciying couldn't sleep.
She walked into the courtyard and looked at the moon in the sky.
In the middle of the night, Xie Huaijin woke up again.
The young man was in a trance for a moment, and then he felt that "it was indeed a dream". He looked at the door for a long time, and then looked at the window. Unlike in his dream, the door and window were both closed tightly.
Then the strong medicinal smell completely overwhelmed him, and in a trance, Xie Huaijin recalled his daydream.
It started raining outside the window again. Xie Huaijin was awake for a rare long time. He stared at the gray and black tent and vomited blood when someone suddenly pushed open the door.
The girl put down her umbrella and walked quickly towards him. Blood dripped from the young man's lips onto Ci Ying's white hand. Xie Huaijin almost thought it was another dream, but when he felt a warm and soft breath coming from the person in front of him, he hesitated and said, "You didn't leave?"
Ci Ying took out the medicine from the side and silently handed it to the young man's lips.
The warm blood dripped onto her hand. She looked at the motionless Xie Huaijin. After a long while, she said helplessly, "Open your mouth."
Xie Huaijin opened his mouth obediently and stared at Ci Ying without blinking.
Ci Ying brought tea and a basin for rinsing mouth, and helped Xie Huaijin clean the blood off his face and neck.
Under the dim candlelight, Ci Ying's fingers touched the scar on Xie Huaijin's chest through the handkerchief. She was silent for a moment, then wiped off the blood foam on it.
She said, "I asked Zhu Yi and Zhu Er to call a doctor. The doctor will come tomorrow."
Ci Ying's voice was very soft. When the young man reached out to hug her, the bitter herbal smell that seemed to permeate the young man's bones slowly spread from this embrace. It was so bitter that Ci Ying wanted to cry, but she held it back.
The young man didn't have much strength, so Ciying could have pushed him away with just force, but for some reason she didn't.
She allowed herself to be a piece of driftwood, giving the dying young man a glimmer of hope. She stared quietly at Xie Huaijin's trembling, as if looking at her in her memories.
Xie Huaijin is a very bad lover, he doesn't know how to love.
Ci Ying didn’t think she was very good at it.
But at this moment, at least, she would not push his hand away.
After a long while, Xie Huaijin restrained himself and let go of her hand, saying softly, "I thought you would leave."
His eyes looked at her lightly, like feathers, and Ci Ying felt her cheeks itchy.
They rarely talked so calmly, and it ended up happening in such a ridiculous way.
Ci Ying felt that Xie Huaijin was really bad at speaking, so she also said in a very awkward manner: "They all begged me to stay."
She added in her mind, You too.
Sure enough, after hearing this, the young man's eyes dimmed a little.
But after hesitating for a long time, the sick young man still didn't say, "You can go."
A long time ago, Xie Huaijin lost his confidence in Ci Ying.
He even thought it would be good if Ciying could stay because of other people's words.
Those tiny thorns that pierce your heart will be fine if you don't pay attention to them...
Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin's face and said softly, "Look, you obviously don't like it either."
This sentence made the young man raise his handsome eyes, and Ci Ying met theirs. She was surprised that one day she would feel that Xie Huaijin was gentle and harmless.
Perhaps she had nothing left to lose, and Xie Huaijin happened to be sick.
The young man spoke in a hoarse voice: "Ci Ying."
He called her name and looked at her.
Ci Ying's eyes froze for a moment, and then she heard a very soft sentence.
"sorry."
After saying these three words, the young man bent down. The candlelight in the distance cast the shadows of the two people on the bed curtain. Although there was some distance between the two people, they overlapped when the same candlelight illuminated the bed curtain.
Ci Ying didn't expect to hear Xie Huaijin's apology under such circumstances. Unlike all his previous apologies, this time the young man had no utilitarian purpose.
Maybe, but if she continued to stay, Ci Ying felt mercifully that it didn't count.
She didn't say whether she accepted or rejected it, but just let the topic pass.
When the young man couldn't bear it anymore and fell asleep, Ci Ying looked at the blood on his wrist that had not been wiped clean.
She didn't know why, but she thought of that snowfall so long ago. Under a bright, clear moon, a young man, a noble and peerless, had rescued her from beneath a collapsed house. Through the curtains, she met his beautiful almond-shaped eyes. His slender arm clasped her waist, and he lightly carried her across the rooftops.
In an instant, the snow on the distant branches fell.
There has always been a piece of snow in Ciying's memory, which buried her heart softly and coldly for a long time.
She had always thought she had forgotten, but it seemed she hadn't.
She always thought of it occasionally.
For example, this night when all the lights are silent.
The next day.
Doctor Xu was called in again. Seeing Ci Ying, he called out, "Thank you, Madam."
Ci Ying hadn't heard such a title for a long time, but it was just a title, and she didn't deny it at this time.
Doctor Xu stepped forward to take the patient's pulse, and after a while, he silently handed the handkerchief to the maid beside him.
Ci Ying probably knew by now that it was not good news.
As expected, the old man shook his head and said only the three words Zhu Yi had said to Ci Ying: "It depends on fate."
Because Ci Ying was there, Doctor Xu didn't say anything too harsh. Ci Ying asked softly, "Is there anything we can try again?"
Doctor Xu was silent for a long time and then said, "No." He raised his hand and began to write the prescription again, with a maid serving him.
Ci Ying's heart sank and her ears started buzzing.
It seemed like the first time in these days that she really felt that Xie Huaijin was going to die.
Zhu Yi and Zhu Er's anxiety, Zhu Guang's red eyes, and Xie Huaijin's vomited blood were not as obvious as this moment.
Apart from the slight trembling of her hands, Ci Ying remained calm and thanked the imperial physician when she took the prescription.
It was not until she was sitting in front of Xie Huaijin's bed and was the only one left in the room that she realized she was trembling all over.
She looked at the man on the hospital bed. Even though the young man was so pale and weak, she still couldn't imagine what he would look like when he died.
Also become a small grave?
Become a speechless stone monument.
Ci Ying's fingers were slightly bent, and she wanted to walk out of the room evasively, but she forced herself to watch.
Xie Huaijin woke up at this time.
He met Ciying's eyes, took a quick glance, and asked, "What's wrong?"
These three words made the young man cough continuously. Ci Ying wanted to say that she was fine, but tears suddenly fell.
The young man coughed and said, "Don't cry, what's wrong?"
Ci Ying just looked at him.
The young man swallowed the blood in his mouth and said softly, "Did something happen? It's okay, I'll solve it for you. Don't cry, okay?"
Only at the end of life can some words be said so calmly.
Ci Ying's tears fell vertically, blurring her eyes so that she could not see the person in front of her clearly. At this moment, she couldn't even say "I hate you".
Her bent hands were shaking, and she whispered softly, "Nothing happened."
It's just that you're dying.
But Ci Ying couldn't say this in front of Xie Huaijin.
She changed the subject: "Do you know what I've been doing these days?"
The young man did not lie: "Yes."
As if afraid that Ciying would misunderstand, he added while coughing: "It's not hard to guess, you don't have many options." What he meant was that he didn't send anyone to monitor her all the time.
"You were the one who asked her to tell me the news about Zhu Guang, right?" Ci Ying guessed it when she knew that the person who saved her in the cave was Xie Huaijin.
"It's not really news." The young man coughed, his eyes trembling slightly. "You found it yourself."
Ci Ying shook her head: "If Zhu Guang hadn't reminded me, I wouldn't have found it so quickly."
Xie Huaijin smiled softly and looked at Ci Ying gently: "I will."
He said, "Yes, Ciying, even without me, you will find a way to survive on your own."
He used the word "life path" to describe Ci Ying's journey. Ci Ying looked at him and had many questions in her heart, but she swallowed them back one by one.
For example, you knew my identity from the beginning, but allowed me to turn against Yuwen Shu and Yuwen Fu. Did you see my future earlier than me? With my identity, status and power, the conflicts of interest are more important than the already weak family affection. It is impossible for me to be a pure family with them?
For example, that day after I rescued you from the prison in Yuwen Mansion, you stopped me from attacking Yuwen Shu despite the scars on your wrist. Was it because you were also hesitant?
Ci Ying has met many Xie Huaijins.
But we can only get a glimpse of some truth from clues.
The man in front of her never spoke, leaving people to guess, layer upon layer, neither good nor bad.
Before getting here, she even wondered in the deepest part of her heart whether this was another trap.
She had been in so much pain in the past that she was always afraid that she would think too highly of this person.
And very occasionally, I wonder if I think too badly of him.
She looked at him and said, "Maybe."
She actually didn't care much anymore.
The rain from last night didn't stop, and it's still dripping under the eaves.
Ci Ying was thinking about whether to tell Xie Huaijin that she would be going back to the Yan Mansion tomorrow, when she saw the young man gently grasp her sleeve with his hand, saying, "I will."
The young man, who coughed after every word he spoke, responded to Ci Ying with three "yes" in a row.
Ci Ying watched the slender pale fingers slip from her sleeves. The young man's eyes and lips were trembling when he first fell asleep. Only then did Ci Ying realize how much pain Xie Huaijin had endured when he was awake. He could only control it when he was conscious, but he could not control it after he fell asleep.
She looked at it and touched her eyes.
Dry.
She thought she would cry again.
But the smell of medicine in the room became stronger day by day and had numbed her eyes.
Maybe, maybe...
The floor was covered with the young man's vomited medicine juice, and Ciying's embroidered shoes inevitably got some of it. Zhu Yi saw it when he came in and silently began to deal with it. Ciying whispered, "Before I came here, he had been refusing to drink the medicine."
Zhu Yi paused for a moment while holding the rag, and said, "Yes."
Zhu Yixian said a little more and looked at the flowers on the windowsill: "The young master always poured the medicine into the flowerpot. Miss Ciying came, so this pot of flowers survived."
Ci Ying asked again: "How long has it been?"
Zhu Yi remained silent even longer than before, until Ci Ying asked again, and then Zhu Yi gave the time. Ci Ying's memory turned forward, recalling bit by bit, and she whispered softly, "Has it been that long?"
Zhu Yi said "yes".
Ci Ying let out a long breath and looked at Zhu Yi.
She asked, "Haven't you tried knocking him out and giving him drugs?"
The girl spoke calmly, a hint of anger hidden in the corners of her straight mouth. Of course, it was not directed at Zhu Yi, but at Xie Huaijin who was sleeping on the bed. As for what she said, it was nonsense. Zhu Yi answered quickly this time and said, "I dare not."
Ci Ying thought it was a normal answer, so she said "hmm" softly and walked out.
It was raining outside, but the air wasn't very fresh. Ciying's nose was still filled with the bitter smell of medicine from the room. She walked into the rain with an umbrella, and for some reason she thought of the imperial physician's words: "It depends on fate."
Fate, Ciying didn’t know what fate meant.
There always seemed to be some things in her life that she was powerless to do anything about. From the young lady to the lady in the past, and now Xie Huaijin, facing the deaths of these people, she seemed to be unable to do anything.
Ci Ying sat down in a secluded corner. She looked at the rain outside the corridor, and the deserted courtyard became wet.
The dry grass was wet by the rain and turned into a wrinkled ball.
Ciying was telling herself to accept it.
Whether Xie Huaijin is alive or dead, she will accept it.
That's what life is all about.
But as she thought about it, she couldn't help crying. She didn't know why. She had clearly wished Xie Huaijin would die, and when Xie Huaijin was really about to die, she wanted to cry again.
......
The next day.
When Xie Huaijin woke up, he didn't see Ciying.
Zhu Guang said from the side: "Ciying has returned to Yan Mansion."
Zhu Guang used the word "go back". The frail young man did not refute but just looked at Zhu Guang and said: "Thank you."
Zhu Guang lowered his eyes: "I just wrote down the address, I didn't do anything else."
After thinking for a while, Zhu Guang said, "It was Ciying who wanted to come."
The young man hummed.
Silence fell between the two of them. Zhu Guang finally couldn't help but say, "Young Master, live well."
The young man still said "hmm".
The two people talked about life and death in such a ridiculous way, as if they could live or die at the same time.
Of course not.
Fate whispers silently.
That night, the rain outside finally stopped, but Xie Huaijin had a high fever.
The fever was very severe, and his originally pale face gradually turned light red. There was heat on his neck, which could be felt if you got a little closer.
Seeing this, Zhu Yi and Zhu Er first lifted the quilt off Xie Huaijin, then one went to fetch water and the other went to call a doctor. Although they did not look panicked, they were actually wrong. The fever came too suddenly and was more fierce than any previous time. No matter how calm they were, they couldn't help but feel afraid.
As soon as the candle had water, she used a towel soaked in cold water to cool the young man down over and over again.
Put it up, take it down, repeat this many times, calling Xie Huaijin.
It is very dangerous to have a fever. In the past, the imperial physician said that if the patient can be awakened, he must be awakened.
Zhu Yi kept the doctor's instructions in mind, but it was of no use. When the imperial physician arrived, the young man had already completely lost consciousness.
Zhu Guang was so anxious that he paced back and forth, not understanding why he was fine during the day but became like this at night.
Doctor Xu was silent for a while when he saw this and said, "This is normal. How could someone get such a serious illness and still look like Young Master Xie?" There was a hint of sarcasm in his words, but in the end it was out of concern.
Zhu Yi tightened his grip on the handkerchief for a moment, then put the handkerchief back into the cold water.
For some reason, I could still hear some raindrops falling from the eaves outside, as if the rain had not yet stopped flowing, dripping slowly bit by bit, occasionally a drop.
Half an hour passed, and the young man on the hospital bed was not at all better, and his whole body was flushed.
His lips parted slightly, but no sound came out, his brows furrowed, his whole body trembling, his fingers slightly curled, clutching the mattress.
The imperial physician was rummaging through the medicine box, burning the needle with candlelight, and ordered Candle One and Candle Two to hold Xie Huaijin down immediately.
Zhu Yi and Zhu Er each held down the young man's shoulders. The imperial physician came over with a heated needle. After one injection, the young man spat out a mouthful of blood.
The imperial physician did not stop and gave the young man more than ten injections before his condition began to "improve".
He was still running a fever, but he lay down weakly, without any strength left.
With a shout from Zhu Yi and Zhu Er, the young man turned over and spat out a mouthful of blood. The smell of blood spread across the floor again. His eyes trembled slightly. He was clearly awake but unconscious.
Zhu Guang covered his mouth with his hands, turned away and burst into tears.
Even though I had seen him before, I had never seen him in such a miserable state.
It seemed that at this moment, the illness showed its true appearance - miserable and painful.
Everything that can be called beautiful is false in the face of illness, and its only effect is to destroy it.
Xie Huaijin's previous calmness and ease were all fake.
Even for Xie Huaijin, the dripping blood would soak his clothes in large patches, sticking to his skin and leaving a lingering bloody smell.
Even Xie Huaijin would vomit continuously, not only water, but also vomitus, which would almost suffocate him when it got stuck in his throat.
Even Xie Huaijin would have a high fever and the illness would burn away his last bit of vitality, and he would become extremely weak bit by bit.
It's fair, no one is immune.
The arrogance that those young people have shown towards life, intentionally or unintentionally, will all be repaid one day in a thousand times more painful way.
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