Chapter 73
◎Wonderful.◎
Ci Ying stared at the words for a long time, then folded the letter and put it back into the envelope.
The envelope was put back into the box, and with a "click", the lock on the wooden box fell.
Ci Ying looked at the wooden box for a long time, blew out the candle and walked out of the study.
Mobei has been very sunny lately. Spring has arrived, and although the weather hasn't warmed up yet, you can already see a glimpse of stars at night. Ci Ying walked through the corridor, then through the courtyard, and finally entered the bedroom alone.
When she fell asleep, the letter kept echoing in Ciying's mind.
In a trance, she thought of Xie Huaijin's face again. The last time they met, the young man's face was as pale as snow. She let her anger run wild, and he looked at her silently.
She clutched the quilt tightly, determined not to write back to Xie Huaijin.
We cannot take away all the truth just because he is sick.
Ci Ying turned over and curled up. The wind gently blew against the door and window frames, and she had her first peaceful sleep in days.
*
Xie Huaijin really returned to Chang'an.
Zhu Er initially thought the same as Ci Ying, thinking that the young master was just joking. But on the night when he went to tell Ci Ying the message as instructed by the young master, Zhu Yi asked him to pack up his luggage. Only then did Zhu Er realize that the young master really wanted to go back.
He was worried about the young master's health, but he heard Zhu Yi say, "It's something the young master has already decided."
Zhu Er subconsciously asked, "What about the Madam?"
Zhu Yi paused for a moment, and finally said, "Go and clean up."
The group walked very slowly along the way because of Xie Huaijin's poor health. Zhu Yi, as usual, asked Xie Huaijin for directions. Perhaps because he was too ill to endure the strain, or perhaps because he was tired of traveling by water, this time Xie Huaijin said, "Let's go by land."
As he spoke, the young man was still coughing. Zhu Yi looked at Doctor Xu who was taking his pulse. The old man frowned and took out the needle in his hand. He frowned and looked at the young man in white clothes beside him. "My dear, if you continue to abuse your body like this, even if Hua Tuo were alive, I would not be able to save your life."
Xie Huaijin knew he was in the wrong, so he said softly, "I won't do that again."
It wasn't really an act of abuse. He just asked Zhu Yi to find the medicine that Mo Yu had taken before, and he took one pill two days after Ci Ying came back. He was also waiting for an opportunity, and everything just happened to be a coincidence.
Just take one pill, it's not fatal and can make Xie Huaijin more sober.
He said goodbye to Ciying in a sober manner.
He called it a farewell.
Rather than drowning Ci Ying like a heavy stone in the water, Xie Huaijin would rather sink himself.
The days were not easy to endure. The longer Xie Huaijin was awake, the more pain he suffered.
When passing by a Buddhist temple in Chang'an, and seeing the flowers swaying in the wind and falling all over the ground, Xie Huaijin decided to write a letter to Ciying.
So he said at the beginning of the letter.
"Ciying, it's nice to see you in person. I'm doing fine."
At that time, he had just finished taking his morning medicine. The wind gently blew up the fallen flowers in the yard, and the petals scattered on the ground were blown up by the wind again, and then fell down again.
Like his daily cycle.
Wake up, take medicine, fall asleep, take medicine, fall asleep, take medicine.
The time he was awake was longer than before, but still short in a day, so he wrote this letter intermittently over many days.
Zhu Yi did buy him some sugar-coated hawthorns with a layer of white frost on the outside, but according to the doctor's advice, Xie Huaijin could not eat them.
He watched the icing melt and turn into a sticky mass before he picked up his pen to write the paragraph about hawthorn. Although he didn't eat it, the hawthorn he wrote to Ciying, so he made it a little sweeter.
He wrote the letter intermittently for ten days, and when he finally put pen to paper, he hesitated.
It happened to be late at night, and a flower was in full bloom on the branch of a blossoming tree. Xie Huaijin looked at it calmly for a long time, and finally picked up his pen to write that sentence.
"I missed you so much."
He was more candid than ever before.
The next day when Zhu Er went to mail the letter, he couldn't help but ask him why. Zhu Er said, "Sir, we can obviously stay in Mobei."
The implication is that he could clearly stay with Ciying.
Well, he can.
Ciying has always said that she has changed over the years, but Xie Huaijin always feels that Ciying is the same Ciying as before.
She was still incredibly soft-hearted, preferring to be pulled down by the heavy rock and drown rather than let go of the burden.
If he wasn't dying, Xie Huaijin thought he might use this opportunity to keep Ci Ying by his side, and become worse day by day.
But not now.
He really decided to return to Chang'an because he saw the future.
He's alive and everything is fine.
But what if he died?
While he was alive, Ci Ying was already feeling suffocated. If he continued to stay by Ci Ying's side, how would Ci Ying face his death?
Only then will the taut string in the girl's body truly break.
Xie Huaijin didn't think he was that important to Ciying, but human life was too heavy, and he was reluctant to let Ciying bear the consequences because of his selfishness.
The same is true when writing this letter.
Zhu Er asked Xie Huaijin with complicated eyes why he wrote a letter after leaving.
Well, because he might die.
After he died, no matter through what means, the news of his death would surely reach Ci Ying's ears one day. He couldn't let Ci Ying's last impression of them remain on their quarrel. With Ci Ying's personality, even if she didn't say it, she would feel in her heart that he died because he chose to leave after their quarrel.
So Xie Huaijin wrote the first letter.
Second letter.
The third letter.
......
Many letters.
But he only sent out one letter a month.
The letter paper was often splattered with blood, but the one to Ciying was always pure white, from spring to summer, from summer to autumn, and from autumn to winter.
As the seasons change, Chang'an and Mobei have welcomed another winter.
Ci Ying received another letter from Xie Huaijin before New Year's Eve. After a year, she became quieter and more composed, and the silence that was once superficial had truly penetrated deep into her heart.
Yan Ji became Ci Ying's real assistant. After Ci Ying overcame pressure and turned the tide several times, Yan Ji began to admire Ci Ying from the bottom of his heart. He no longer had those little thoughts that he couldn't hide before. Maybe he still had them, but at least he didn't show them in front of Ci Ying. If they didn't show up in front of Ci Ying, Ci Ying would pretend not to see them.
Everyone is growing up.
Ci Ying threw the truth of that year in front of Yuwen Fu. Yuwen Fu was still not convinced, but he could not speak to Ci Ying on an equal footing with his own ability. At first, he could still use Xie Huaijin to say that "Ci Ying's current situation is nothing more than marrying Xie Huaijin." Later, when the news of Xie Huaijin in Chang'an came out, Yuwen Fu could not say it.
Perhaps it was also because Ci Ying didn't care when he said it before.
Ci Ying occasionally thought that she and Yuwen Fu had known each other for quite some time. At first, it was because of Ru Zhen and Xie Huaijin, and later because of blood relationship and Yan Ji. No matter from which perspective, she seemed to feel that Yuwen Fu was not a good person.
At least, to her and Ru Zhen, Yuwen Fu was a bad guy.
He is not a good husband, nor a good brother.
The disappointment in Ciying's heart faded a year ago, and now it was so tiny that it was almost nothing.
Yuwen Fu flipped through the testimony, then sat down after a long moment, lost in thought, "If mother were still alive, Ciying, would everything be different?"
This is an indisputable issue. When Ci Ying inquired about the affairs between her mother and Yuwen Shu, she inevitably found out that Yuwen Shu sent Yuwen Fu to Chang'an as a hostage.
Of course, she knew that part of Yuwen Fu's character development was related to the humiliation he suffered in Chang'an, and she also understood that what he did to Ru Zhen was "excusable" from his standpoint.
But so what?
Ci Ying looked at Yu Wenfu, who was bowing her head, and said softly, "I will give you the Yan Mansion and the part of the Yuwen Mansion that belongs to you. Yu Wenfu, leave Mobei."
Leaving this youth will hold your shackles.
She called out "Brother" softly in her heart.
Sadness and unwillingness flashed in Yuwen Fu's eyes, but in the end he just stood up silently and said "I'm sorry" to Ciying.
He didn't accept anything Ciying gave him and disappeared in Mobei one day.
Later, Ci Ying heard Ru Zhen say that Yuwen Fu had come to find her and asked her if she was willing to be with him. Ru Zhen thought about it for a day and a night, and finally said no.
When she regained her memory, she remembered that she did not love Yuwen Fu.
Perhaps it was also because Ru Zhen no longer knew what love was, but it was too painful, so she gave up.
This time Yuwen Fu did not force Ruzhen. He just lowered his eyes and said to Ruzhen, "I'm sorry, Ruzhen."
Ru Zhen cried out "Ah" and watched Yu Wenfu walk away little by little in the bleak autumn wind. She stood by the door and Xie Ran pulled her in to eat. Ru Zhen turned around and closed the door. That was how the two of them would live their lives.
As for Yuwen Shu, the King of the Northwest who once called the shots in Mobei became a prisoner.
Ci Ying spread the story of Yuwen Shu, plotted to murder his wife and daughter, and sent his son as a hostage, showing his evil ambitions.
Some of them were naturally not wrong from Yuwen Shu's perspective, but Ciying came to power, Ciying was the king, Ciying was the first, and all the spit and saliva were thrown at Yuwen Shu's head. Until his death, Yuwen Shu could not believe that his life plan was ruined because of a woman.
Most of the world's power is held by men, and there is essentially no difference between Ciying's two "fathers".
Yuwen Shu naturally despised his daughter because of her gender.
It took Ciying a year, a real year, to accomplish all this.
Within a year, she received twelve letters from Xie Huaijin, but she did not reply to any of them.
She placed the letter in the wooden box she had originally put it in. A year later, the letters in the box piled up, and the most recent one was from Xie Huaijin.
"Ciying, it's snowing in Chang'an."
"I missed you so much."
Ciying looked out the window and saw that it was snowing in Mobei.
Time will fade everything. After years of dilution, those strong feelings of love and hate are actually nothing left. Ci Ying has little time to sleep every day. With a mountain of official duties, she has little time to dream.
She used to always dream about her youth, but one day she suddenly realized that she hadn't dreamed for a long time.
Those vivid memories of her youth faded with the passage of time.
When she was freeing her mind, she often thought of a flowering tree.
She had never seen the flowers and trees growing in Xie Huaijin's letters.
*
After a year, Xie Huaijin's health was neither good nor bad.
I was critically ill several times, but I survived every time.
The young man finally swallowed the medicine without being as awkward as before. He no longer spitted out after drinking a mouthful, and he didn't get the medicine all over his body. But occasionally, he still couldn't help it. After vomiting and soiling his clothes again, the young man pushed his wheelchair behind the screen.
While unbuttoning his clothes, Xie Huaijin somehow looked at the bronze mirror not far away.
He hadn't looked in the mirror for a long time, and for a moment he felt a little strange.
The young man in the bronze mirror was extremely thin, sitting in a wheelchair. His fingers and other exposed skin were covered with large needle marks and bruises. He looked at the mirror for a long time, then unbuttoned another button.
People always think that their mood will not change, or perhaps they always think that they are immune to worldly affairs.
But time is fair.
Illness will not keep a person's radiant appearance. Those brilliant titles grew up in Xie Huaijin's youth which has passed away. He now sits in a wheelchair, his thin body supporting his tired face, his body frail, and he looks at the end of his life for a long time.
He was still handsome, but this kind of handsomeness was stained with an indelible fatigue.
The medicine that was drunk into his chest also permeated his soul bit by bit, becoming sticky, silent, and bitter. He looked at the years that were left, not knowing how many of them would be called "endless" before the next moment.
That day, the young man wrote a letter to his lover without adding the last sentence.
When Ciying received it, as usual, she didn't open it until late at night.
She was used to reading the envelope after finishing her official business. As the year was coming to an end, a lot of official business had piled up. When Ci Ying finished dealing with it, it was already dawn. The maid outside asked her if she wanted to take a bath before resting. Ci Ying said "No" and then opened the envelope.
"Ci Ying, seeing your letter is like meeting you in person."
"It's snowing again in Chang'an, and the flowers and trees in front of the gate are all covered with snow."
......
"Ciying, Happy New Year."
Ciying didn't fall asleep until dawn that day.
The next day, when she was handling official business, she opened the letter again, read it for a long time, then closed it and silently began to deal with the official business on the desk.
The month after that, Ciying did not receive the letter.
She didn't care for a month, and then received the letter again.
The letter ended with only one sentence: "Ciying, spring has arrived."
The letters continued to arrive intermittently afterwards, and the longest time was when Ciying didn't receive the letter until half a year.
She actually didn't know what she was waiting for. She had clearly never written back to Xie Huaijin, and the letter that came half a year later said this.
"Ci Ying, seeing your letter is like meeting you in person."
"Outside, the flower trees have borne fruit. Flower trees can actually bear fruit, but Candle One and Candle Two picked and ate them, saying they tasted terrible."
"Ciying, happy birthday."
Ciying's birthday had passed a long time ago, so she took the letter and looked at it left and right, but in the end she didn't know where to look.
Habits and time are both terrible. Habit makes Ciying feel that there should be a sentence "I miss you very much" at the end of the letter, and time makes Ciying begin to forget their original quarrel.
Maybe there are more.
Perhaps one day, as she moves forward further and further, she will forget even the part of her youth. Although she feels that she has almost forgotten it now, Ci Ying still puts the messed letter into the wooden box.
It has been almost two years. There are a total of sixteen letters. Ciying has not replied to any of them, but she has carefully treasured each one.
People's contradictions always manifest themselves in the same things.
To Ciying, it is often Xie Huaijin.
Ciying was very happy the day Zhu Guang came to visit.
It was a snowy day. The two of them built two snowmen in the yard. Ci Ying asked Zhu Guang what he had been doing in the past two years. Zhu Guang, lying on the snow, said, "I have been looking for a doctor all over the world."
Ciying hadn't talked about Xie Huaijin with anyone for a long time. She thought of those letters and waited for Zhu Guang to continue.
Zhu Guang did not continue speaking. He stood up and continued to knead his snowman. Next to his big snowman, he built another small snowman, poked two eyes with his fingers, and picked up stones from the side to press on them.
As he pressed it, he started laughing and pulled Ciying over to look at him: "Look, does it look like it?"
Ci Ying was surprised that she recognized Mo Yu at first sight. She looked at Zhu Guang, whose smile did not seem fake. At that time, Ci Ying did not understand why Zhu Guang was so happy, and just laughed along with him.
As he was laughing, Zhu Guang hugged her and said, "Ciying, I found it."
Ciying was a little confused, but Zhu Guang didn't say anything else. He just said, "Ciying, I still want to build a snowman."
As he spoke, Zhu Guang pulled Ci Ying to make a snowman again. Unfortunately, the weather was not good. The sun came out in the afternoon and the snowman they had just rolled melted.
Zhu Guang blinked at the sky, then held Ciying's hand tightly. Ciying was about to ask what was wrong when Zhu Guang said goodbye to Ciying: "Hello, Ciying. I'm going back to Chang'an."
Zhu Guang did not say "see you later", but just hugged Ciying for a long time.
Late at night, Ci Ying realized belatedly that the doctor Zhu Guang "found" was the one for Xie Huaijin.
Her heart skipped a beat for some unknown reason, and the box full of letters seemed to weigh down her head. On this night of melting snow, Ciying suffered from a rare sleeplessness.
She got up early in the morning when it was just light.
She remembered something and stood up to unpack the things Zhu Guang had brought her yesterday. They were all small gadgets, but each one was wrapped very delicately by Zhu Guang. Inside was a book with what appeared to be Zhu Guang's handwriting, with each page describing the steps of disguise.
Ci Ying had seen Zhu Guang do it before, so she knew what medicinal herbs were needed.
Actually, it’s not that magical. It’s just drawing a new face.
Ci Ying folded the book and started playing with other things. Her favorite was a conch. Whenever she put it to her ear, she could hear the sound of waves, again and again.
When Yan Ji came to find her, Ci Ying gave up the idea of taking a nap.
Yan Ji said that Yin Ce handed him the visiting card and asked her if she wanted to meet him.
In the past two years, Yin Ce has been very enthusiastic, but he also knows when to advance and when to retreat. Yan Ji has always wanted to bring them together, and always says that Yin Ce is a million times better than Xie Huaijin's ex-husband.
When Yan Ji said, "If I had a daughter, I would definitely marry her to Yin Ce," Ci Ying's eyelids twitched and she whispered, "It's so good, why don't you marry her?"
Yan Ji froze.
Ci Ying continued, "I've thought about it, and you're right. Yin Ce is indeed a very good alliance partner. Since you think the in-laws are great, then you can marry him. I will prepare a generous dowry for you, Madam Yin."
Yan Ji held his head and paced around the study for a while before saying, "Ciying, I apologize to you."
Ci Ying was just joking, so she waved her hand and let Yan Ji go first.
The door was closed and Ciying put down her pen.
In February, Ciying still had not received Xie Huaijin's letter.
In March, there was still nothing.
April, still nothing.
That messed-up letter seemed to be the last one. Ci Ying thought about the words "Happy Birthday" and told Yan Ji one day that she wanted to take a vacation. Yan Ji said, "Who would dare not take a vacation?" and asked Ci Ying, "What other things are you not going to deal with? Leave them to me. Bring more people back with you so that you won't be bullied."
Ciying said, "I've taken care of everything," and then asked, "How did you know where I was going?"
Yan Ji said helplessly: "Where else can we go? Let's go by water. The Yan family has merchant ships. We have explored the route to Chang'an many times. It is the fastest and safest one."
After that, Yan Ji finally understood what Ci Ying had just said. He frowned and said, "Have you dealt with everything? There haven't been many things going on recently. Lingyue was still complaining to me about the Yan Family Army's affairs two days ago. Have you dealt with everything?"
At this point, Yan Ji realized something was wrong and asked, "Ci Ying, how many days have you not slept?"
Ci Ying didn't say anything, just closed her eyes and whispered, "I really want to sleep now."
The decision was made, and I could go to sleep.
Ci Ying didn’t know, and still didn’t know whether this time was right or wrong, but a long time ago, right and wrong lost their meaning in her life.
She had given all her remaining stubbornness to Xie Huaijin.
But it might be too little, not enough to sustain her for another two years.
Whenever she thought of the past, she would only remember the young man's pale face. She read every sentence of "I miss you very much" in the letter many times.
She was surprised that Xie Huaijin actually said such words, and was also surprised that she was not surprised at all when the veil of his love for her was revealed.
Why love?
After thinking about it, it seems that it can only be love.
One day, Ci Ying quietly thought about leaving. She had a love that was always imperfect.
The beginning was not good, and the ending was not good either.
She remained silent and never responded, only thinking about the past in silence.
When I think of the past, I think of Xie Huaijin.
In the past two years, Ci Ying has fought for many things, fighting for position with Yuwen Fu, fighting for military power with Yan Ji. Sometimes she is very tired, and sometimes her heart beats for power. After fighting for so many things, she has won all these things. This is not the freedom she called when she was young, but it is the moment when she is closest to freedom.
Maybe that's it, she thought.
One day, Yan Ji suddenly asked her if she wanted to be emperor. Ci Ying actually thought about it for a while, then shook her head under Yan Ji's increasingly fanatical gaze: "I've thought about it very seriously, and I don't think I want to."
She had met the emperor when she was Madam Xie.
In the hall, all the ministers and even the emperor bowed to Xie Huaijin. Later, when she thought of the emperor, she always thought of Xie Huaijin in that scene. The power that once made her afraid was now in her hands. She also gradually understood that Xie Huaijin was in a high position and felt lonely.
She understood him little by little.
So I gradually understood myself.
Love never set her free.
But now she wants freedom in love.
Ci Ying boarded the ship to Chang'an. She told Yan Ji that she would be back in a month. Yan Ji sorted out the official documents on his desk, thought for a long time and said, "It doesn't matter if it's a little later. It's been two years already."
Ci Ying sat on the boat, thinking back to a long time ago when she escaped from Chang'an on a merchant ship.
At that time, she had never thought that one day she would take the initiative to take a boat and set foot on the land of Chang'an again.
Very amazing.
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