Chapter 75
◎Intimacy.◎
The wind gently blew the books on the desk. Looking closer, there were no words written with pen and ink, only some traces carved with a fine needle. One page was opened, and then the page was closed. In silence, night fell.
They had dinner together. The maids laid out the dishes as usual. Ci Ying quietly handed the chopsticks to Xie Huaijin. Even though she looked very skilled, there were still some inconveniences.
Ci Ying silently adjusted the tea in the young man's hand and placed it aside. Even though he knew that the young man couldn't see him, he didn't look at him unscrupulously. He just looked at Xie Huaijin with a mouthful of food.
The young man said helplessly: "Ci Ying."
Ci Ying understood, and he knew she had been looking at him.
She raised her hand and waved it in front of Xie Huaijin, and asked curiously, "Will you feel anything?"
"Well, there will be a difference in light and shadow." As he said that, Xie Huaijin accurately grabbed Ci Ying's waving hand.
Ci Yingxin was stunned for a moment.
She exerted some strength and the young man gently let go. Ciying ate her meal while tears fell.
She cried very quietly, so Xie Huaijin didn't hear it.
The interplay of light and shadow faded, and the young man fell silent. This had been his normal state for the past two years. The maids followed his orders and served silently. The occasional conversations by candlelight were usually over official business.
Otherwise, the only person Xie Huaijin met was the doctor.
Ci Ying suddenly thought of Zhu Guang. She suppressed the sob in her voice and said softly, "Where's Zhu Guang? Isn't he at home?"
The young man shook his head: "I don't know."
Zhu Yi said from the side: "Miss Zhu Guang returned home a few days ago and brought back a doctor. However, the doctor was also seriously injured and it would take some time before he could get out of bed."
Ciying had heard about it when she was in Mobei, but she didn't know the details.
She looked at Xie Huaijin again, and the food tasted sour in her mouth.
She didn't know whether Xie Huaijin's illness could be cured.
Eyes, ears, legs, these are just what is on the surface, she has no idea what is inside.
After dinner, Zhu Yi brought two more bowls of medicine.
Ci Ying sat quietly by the side, watching Xie Huaijin drink.
After two years, it was better than before, but he still vomited. Ci Ying stepped forward to pat Xie Huaijin's back and asked, "Is it always like this?"
"Yeah." The young man's voice was a little hoarse.
Ci Ying took the tea and wanted to pass it to Xie Huaijin so that he could rinse his mouth, but Xie Huaijin pushed it away: "It's okay, I'll drink it first."
It took Xie Huaijin half an hour to drink two bowls of medicine. He was used to it, but he was worried that Ci Ying would be impatient.
But when she drank it faster, she couldn't help vomiting. It was better than before. Most of the time it was dry vomiting, but if she drank it too quickly, she would spit out some of the medicine juice. The strong and bitter smell of herbs spread in Ci Ying's nostrils. She gently held Xie Huaijin's other hand and said nothing.
He didn't realize it while eating. The two bowls of medicine had drained most of the young man's energy. He held his eyes open and tried to stay by Ci Ying's side, but Ci Ying noticed him. She pushed him to bed and seemed to know what he was thinking: "Go to sleep. I'll be here tomorrow."
After Xie Huaijin fell asleep, Ci Ying left the room alone.
The countless sobs that Ci Ying had suppressed while getting along with Xie Huaijin turned into the moon hanging in the sky at this moment. Ci Ying bathed in the moonlight, tears rolling down her cheeks like rain.
She opened the door and sat down with her back to the room. She really didn't care about the incompleteness defined by the world.
But she couldn't bear to do it.
I can’t bear to see Xie Huaijin live his life like this.
......
It was three days after Yan Ji received the letter. After reading it carefully three times, Yan Ji went to visit an old military doctor.
He used to go to war with his adoptive father, and later his adoptive father died in a battle, so the military doctor named Li retired. Twenty years have passed, and Yan Ji visits the old military doctor every year. Fortunately, the old military doctor Li has always been in good health and does not have the problems that those who retired from the battlefield have. Now he is a spirited old man.
Part of Xie Huaijin's punishment was done by him, and the other part was done by Yuwen Fu's men, but in the final analysis, they were all soldiers from Mobei, and there were only a few ways to torture people. In the letter, Ci Ying asked if there was any way to cure Xie Huaijin's leg injury. Yan Ji remembered that Military Doctor Li was very good at this.
"Uncle Li." Yan Ji saw the door open from the inside and said to the old man.
The old man was very energetic and still kept the habit of a military doctor. When he saw someone, he would look up and down to see if there were any injuries. Seeing that Yan Ji was fine, the old man motioned Yan Ji to come in first: "Why are you here?"
Yan Ji told Xie Huaijin about his situation.
The old man stroked his beard and said, "Chang'an is too far away. If the man you mentioned could come to Mobei, I would be able to take a look at him."
Yan Ji's eyes lit up. The man before him was never arrogant, so such an answer meant there was hope. He hurriedly explained Xie Huaijin's physical condition and said, "Probably you have to go."
A cigarette rack knocked down, and the old man said, "I can't get through. It's too far."
Yan Ji stopped talking, and he couldn't force him.
Doctor Li looked left and right, tapped his cigarette butt, still not satisfied, and tapped Yan Ji's hand again: "In Chang'an, who asked you to go there in person?"
Yan Ji didn't know how to describe Xie Huaijin. According to Ci Ying and Xie Huaijin's description, the two had already divorced, but... regarding this letter, Yan Ji said honestly: "The young lady's husband."
Doctor Li didn't react at first, but then he remembered the family recognition banquet held at the Yuwen Mansion two years ago.
There was a hint of complexity between his brows: "Miss Yan's daughter?"
When Yan Lian was mentioned, Yan Ji was also silent: "Yes, my aunt's daughter."
Doctor Li gave Yan Ji a look and said, "You're quite good at making connections."
Yan Ji was unhappy and sat down to pour himself a cup of tea: "If you can't go, just prescribe some prescriptions and plasters, and I'll have someone send them to Chang'an. The young lady has already spoken, and it's not good for me to be unable to do anything. Just think of it as doing it for me."
"You're such a great honor." Doctor Li chopped off a cigarette, then puffed on it. "Go get the carriage. I'm old, so I don't want to go by boat anymore. I, your uncle, have never been to a place as precious as Chang'an, and I don't know how it differs from Mobei."
The dejection on Yan Ji's face disappeared immediately, and he smiled and said, "Uncle Li, please excuse me. I will go and tell the young lady right away. Alas, the young lady must prepare the best carriage for Uncle Li, fully padded, so that the mountain road will not be bumpy."
After saying that, Yan Ji finished his tea and wrote a letter to tell Ci Ying the good news.
In Chang'an, while Ci Ying was waiting for Yan Ji's reply, she sent a message to Ling Shuang asking her to find a doctor in Mobei who was good at treating leg injuries, and then asked Ling Yue to visit Xiao Wan first, and then go with Ling Yue after she was done.
Lingyue agreed happily and bought a lot of things for Xiaowan and the children on the street and brought them over. The carriage was full. Ciying looked at it and added some things as well.
They were master and servant, but over the years, they became more like family.
Ci Ying had also heard Ling Yue crying and saying to Xiao Wan, "If he bullies you in the future, you must tell us. My sister and I will take care of it for you. If we can't, we will go find the young lady."
At that time, Xiaowan quickly covered Lingyue's mouth: "Don't talk nonsense, sister, he treats me very well."
Lingyue set off with her bag full of things. Ciying watched her leave. On her way back, she saw some candied haws and bought two. When she got back to the house, Xie Huaijin, who had just finished his nap, was already awake. Ciying told the young man about Lingyue and Xiaowan, saying, "Open your mouth."
The young man opened his mouth.
It's candied haws.
Biting through the outer sugar coating, Ci Ying revealed the sour flesh inside. She frowned at the sour taste and looked at Xie Huaijin, who had a gentle expression, and asked softly, "Doesn't it count?"
“Very sweet.”
Ci Ying thought that one string was sweet and the other was sour. After thinking about it, she bit into Xie Huaijin's candied haws. After taking a bite, although the red sugar coating was sweet, the flesh inside was sourer than hers.
In the past, Ci Ying would think that Xie Huaijin was lying, but at this moment her first thought was.
Xie Huaijin, do you still have a sense of taste?
She held his face in her hands. He had been drinking the medicine for so long that the fragrance of the herbs soaked into his bones and flesh. A faint bitterness emerged with Ci Ying's words. She whispered, "Xie Huaijin, can you still taste it?"
"Okay." Xie Huaijin said gently.
He whispered, "I know the fruit is sour, but the ones Ciying bought are very sweet."
It sounded like a love story, but Ci Ying just wanted to cry. She hugged the young man and put her head on his thin shoulders. She put her arms around him and whispered, "Xie Huaijin, I'm scared."
She is also gradually becoming more honest.
The young man was silent for a while and said he was afraid too.
Ci Ying was originally very scared, her heart filled with indescribable panic, but she was amused by this sentence. Her tears fell on his pale neck, and she whispered, "Then let's be scared together."
The young man said "OK" again.
Who says fearing death together isn't romantic?
Xie Huaijin opened his eyes. Clearly, there was only a shimmering darkness before him, a mixture of light and shadow, yet it also seemed like a brightness never before seen. His arms held Ciying loosely, just a loose grip. At this moment, nostalgia filled his soul.
It was not until three days later that Ci Ying found out that the doctor Zhu Guang brought back was a female doctor, the junior sister that Doctor Xu had mentioned, named Xu Yun.
Back then, Xu Yun had superb medical skills, but he mostly treated common people. He often took orders from wealthy families every month to earn some money to buy medicine for poor people, and he had an excellent reputation in the local area.
Later, Xu Yun originally didn't want to treat the patient, but the other party tied her up and threatened her with the patient. She had no choice but to try her best to treat the patient. However, it was a power struggle. Some people asked Xu Yun to come but didn't want the person being treated by Xu Yun to survive, and Xu Yun was too disobedient. In the end, Xu Yun's medical skills were not good enough and he "killed" the person.
The powerful people used this to convict Xu Yun, but they were reluctant to give up her medical skills, so they found a death row prisoner to replace her identity, and then secretly imprisoned the person to use for their own purposes. Xu Yun has been in a secret prison for many years, and she would be whipped if she disobeyed once. When Zhu Guang found clues and went to rescue her, Xu Yun was almost tortured to death.
Ci Ying looked at the file and saw Xu Yun coming in a wheelchair.
She had a pretty face and looked young. She had suffered a lot over the years and had many injuries on her body, but she still had the gentle temperament of a doctor. When she saw Ci Ying, she first greeted her, and then asked about the patient's condition in a gentle voice.
Zhu Yi knew more than Ci Ying and began to speak.
When Xu Yun heard the words "Doctor Xu," he smiled and said, "So it's you, Senior Brother. I thought I was going to be locked up in there forever."
After hearing the situation, Xu Yun ordered Zhu Yi to go find Doctor Xu to get a set of silver needles.
Then he asked Ciying: "Can you push me in? I might need acupuncture later, so I need to save my energy right now."
Ci Ying naturally agreed and pushed Xu Yun's wheelchair. When the wheelchair rolled to the door, Xu Yun suddenly said to Ci Ying, "Don't be nervous."
Ci Ying was indeed nervous. She didn't know what Xie Huaijin's health was like. There were problems with his ears and eyes. She wondered if he drank medicine or poison every day. But compared to all these, it was more important for Xie Huaijin to survive.
Xu Yun seemed to see through Ci Ying's thoughts. She said, "According to the condition you just described, Brother must have used very strong medicine to keep the patient alive. It's not a good thing, but it's also a good thing."
Ci Ying asked, "Can it be cured?"
Xu Yun paused for a moment and said softly, "I don't know what you mean by 'recovered'. It would be very difficult to completely recover. Some diseases and medicines can cause irreversible damage..."
Ci Ying explained her recovery by saying, "Survived."
Xu Yun smiled gently: "If surviving means recovery, then yes."
Xu Yun didn't know how to address Ci Ying, so he just used "you" to refer to Ci Ying and Xie Huaijin: "You saved me, and I will save him too."
When talking to patients and their families, especially those in high positions, doctors always like to exaggerate the severity of the situation in order to protect their reputation and their heads.
To put it more seriously, whether the patient is cured or dies, there will be something to say.
Xu Yun hadn't even met Xie Huaijin yet, but he asserted, "I've been treating patients since I was young, and I've traveled extensively with my master. There aren't that many miracles in the world. If you've been able to keep the patient alive for two years, it means he's not terminally ill. So, I can save him."
"What's your name?" Xu Yun said suddenly.
Ci Ying: "Ci Ying."
Xu Yun held Ciying's trembling hand: "Ciying, I will make him heal."
This sentence became Ciying's reassurance for a long time afterwards.
Later, she gradually understood why Xu Yun said those words to her in front of the corridor that day. Ci Ying was not sure, really not sure. If she had not seen the confidence in Xu Yun's eyes that day, the brief conversation gave her an understanding of Xu Yun's character beyond the files, making her believe that Xu Yun really possessed superb medical skills and the confidence to cure Xie Huaijin, she might not have allowed Xu Yun to do many things to Xie Huaijin later.
After Xu Yun went in, it only took him ten minutes to take the patient's pulse, and then he asked Zhu Yi to take out all the prescriptions written by Doctor Xu.
Xu Yun spent much longer reading the prescription than taking Xie Huaijin's pulse. It was not until dusk, when Xie Huaijin woke up, that Xu Yun began to give him acupuncture.
The needles burned by fire were inserted into the young man's various acupuncture points, and Ci Ying saw blood flowing from Xie Huaijin's eyebrows.
Xu Yun inserted more than a hundred needles in a row. He had just recovered from a serious illness and was exhausted. The insertion of the needle in his hand gradually slowed down, but each needle became steadier than the last.
Xie Huaijin had already fainted.
Xie Huaijin fainted from the pain. Xu Yun gave him one needle after another. After the fifteenth needle, Xie Huaijin fainted from the pain. The whole scene did not look like a medical treatment, but like an execution.
Ci Ying couldn't bear to watch any longer, but she watched every stitch carefully.
Little did she know this was just the beginning.
Every day after that, she witnessed Xie Huaijin's suffering. The young man's dazed eyes could hardly tell life from death. After everything was over, he would hug Ci Ying tremblingly, his lips stammering so hard that he couldn't say her name. His lips were pale, and his eyes were dull but trembling constantly.
Ci Ying couldn't help but speak several times, but she couldn't say "forget it".
During the rest of his conscious moments, the young man never mentioned the pain he suffered during his treatment, but just hugged Ciying gently.
Amidst tears, Ci Ying received a bitter kiss.
The young man did not kiss her mouth, but only touched her cheek lightly.
Occasionally, he would pinch her with his hands and then say, "Ciying, have you lost weight?"
Ciying cried and said "No", so the young man pinched her again and whispered: "I have lost a lot of weight."
Yes.
But Ciying said, "No."
She stroked the young man's face and whispered, "It will be fine."
Xie Huaijin rested his hand against Ciying's forehead: "Yes, I will."
Ciying asked again: "Does it hurt?"
The young man said, "It doesn't hurt."
But he would faint from the pain every time.
Vomiting blood all over her body, Ci Ying thought for a moment that when they returned to Mobei, Xu Yun only said to her once, "It will be fine." Every time after that, Xie Huaijin fainted from the pain, and Xu Yun collapsed in a wheelchair due to exhaustion. Ci Ying ordered the maid to carry Xu Yun back, and she sat by Xie Huaijin's bed waiting for the young man to wake up.
She wiped the blood from the young man's neck with the handkerchief in her hand, leaving bright red marks on the handkerchief.
The young man opened his eyes at this time, and Ci Ying's handkerchief suddenly couldn't wipe it anymore, so she bent down and hugged the young man.
After knowing that Xie Huaijin couldn't see, Ci Ying always became closer to him.
The intimacy they had during this period was already more than all the years before them combined. Ci Ying hugged him and whispered Xie Huaijin's name.
Over and over again, she shouted beside the ear where Xie Huaijin could hear the sound, telling Xie Huaijin over and over again that she was there.
When a young man first wakes up, there will always be some aftershocks of pain. His eyes are blank for a long time before he wakes up when Ciying calls him. It takes him a long time before he has the strength to raise his hands and hug Ciying.
Ci Ying couldn't stop crying. She didn't know how she could hold back her tears when she saw Xie Huaijin in so much pain.
Tears fell on the corners of the young man's lips. After a while, the young man smiled and said, "It's salty."
Ci Ying raised her hand to wipe away her tears, pinched the young man's ear with one hand, and cried, "It's from a pig."
Xie Huaijin felt somewhat helpless and discussed with Ciying: "Should we change it?"
Ci Ying was also easy to talk to: "It's from a wild boar."
Xie Huaijin was helpless and gently nudged Ciying with the tip of his nose, which made Ciying laugh.
But happiness is always short-lived. Most of the time, Ci Ying watched Xie Huaijin in excruciating pain. Xie Huaijin didn't tell her not to watch, and Xu Yun didn't let Ci Ying go out. He even occasionally asked Ci Ying to help with some things within his ability.
One day, after Xu Yun finished giving acupuncture to Xie Huaijin and still had some strength left, he suddenly looked at Ci Ying and said he wanted to take Ci Ying's pulse.
Ci Ying didn't refuse and held out her wrist in front of Xu Yun.
Xu Yun only checked his pulse for a moment before withdrawing his hand and saying softly, "Go to bed early."
The young man woke up very early today, even before Xu Yun left, and happened to hear these words. After Ci Ying finished tidying up the room, she realized that Xie Huaijin was awake. She sat down beside the bed and said, "You woke up earlier today than the past few days."
Xie Huaijin coughed lightly, and Ci Ying brought a glass of water and used a spoon to put it into Xie Huaijin's lips little by little.
"Will you be very tired?" This was the first sentence the young man asked Ci Ying after he was able to speak.
Ci Ying shook her head subconsciously, but then remembered that Xie Huaijin couldn't see.
She held Xie Huaijin's hand and said "no".
The maids did a lot of things, and she only helped out when Xu Yun did acupuncture every day, so she couldn't feel tired in any way.
Xie Huaijin asked, "Are you handling official business at night?"
Ci Ying didn't expect Xie Huaijin to guess that they actually tried not to mention anything about Mobei, because when they mentioned Mobei, they had to mention many things, and the memories about that place were really not good.
Just like Xie Huaijin and she both knew very well that one day they would need to make a decision.
It is unlikely that Ci Ying will stay in Chang'an forever. If she wants to stay in Chang'an, she will need to give up part of Mobei. Although she can still control the power of Mobei, it will not be as stable as it is now.
The current situation is that Ci Ying has roughly confirmed Yan Ji's loyalty, and has also promoted some newcomers to the army to counter Yan Ji. She has close contacts with Yin Ce's aristocratic families in Mobei, and has reached a cooperation with Yin Ce even without a marriage.
Now she is in Chang'an. According to her instructions before leaving, most of the affairs in Mobei are handled by Yan Ji and Ling Shuang, and some less urgent matters are sent to Chang'an.
But this is not a long-term solution.
Ci Ying took off her shoes and slept beside the young man, vaguely surrounding him.
Xie Huaijin said: "It's okay, I'll come to see you when I recover."
People tend to change. In the past, Xie Huaijin always cared about the fact that Ci Ying valued those people more than him. He cared about it for many years, but now he doesn't care anymore. It is enough for him to know that Ci Ying cares about him.
It is foolish to put yourself on one end of the scale and compare yourself with other things that Ciying cares about.
Of course he hopes that he is the most important person in Ciying's heart, but if not, it doesn't matter.
Ci Ying said softly, "Not so fast."
Xie Huaijin touched Ci Ying's face, and Ci Ying put her face in his hands. At that moment, Xie Huaijin really wished he could see, but there was still only a dim light and shadow in front of his eyes. His fingers replaced his eyes, and after copying all of Ci Ying's facial features, he held Ci Ying's hand.
The two people hugged each other, but their posture was not very intimate, and they were at a distance that was neither far nor close.
Yet so intimate.
In the half of their lives that have passed, there is silent understanding in the silence.
Human desires aren't limitless. At least at this moment, both Xie Huaijin and Ci Ying were content. Having come through pain, they found even the slightest hint of sweetness in a bleak future incredibly sweet.
As for tomorrow.
No one knows tomorrow.
But Xie Huaijin and Ciying will definitely have many tomorrows.
Compared to always meeting in memories and the past, tomorrow is more precious. Tomorrow, Ci Ying opened her eyes and kissed the young man's lips. Their lips touched lightly, and it was unknown who laughed first. Ci Ying's tears were blocked in her eyes, and the young man's coughing continued.
But strangely, they feel happy with this kind of life.
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