Chapter 81
◎I am always willing to be his driftwood in this world.◎
The subsequent treatment was not smooth. Xu Yun and Doctor Li changed the treatment plan again and again, but Xie Huaijin still could not stand up.
By May, Xu Yun and Doctor Li decided to stop.
Ci Ying asked why, and Xu Yun answered honestly, "I'm worried Mr. Xie won't be able to handle it."
Ci Ying was silent for a long time when she heard this answer. Under Xu Yun's worried gaze, she said, "It's okay. We thought about the current situation a long time ago, so we're not completely unprepared."
Having said that, after Xu Yun left, Ci Ying still burst into tears.
It was like a dark cloud had been gathering, and now the rain finally fell.
Between silence and pain, there is an inexplicable sense of relief.
In the evening, Ciying went to look for Xie Huaijin.
As a patient, the young man knew it early on. Ci Ying walked forward and hugged him silently.
In the quiet room, the candlelight flickered, and Ci Ying softly repeated, "It's okay."
Xie Huaijin smiled softly, gently pinched Ciying's bent face, and said softly into Ciying's red eyes, "I'm glad Madam doesn't mind."
Ci Ying wanted to smile, but couldn't.
She couldn't help but press her forehead against the young man's and whispered, "I won't despise you."
The young man said, "Disdain is common."
Ci Ying glared at him: "I already said I don't mind!"
Ciying's anger is a layer floating on the surface, and with just a slight poke, the soft inner part is revealed.
Xie Huaijin held Ciying's hand: "Actually, I'm used to it."
If you do something for a long time, you will get used to it.
The thresholds and steps in the Yan Mansion have been renovated, and the bed, stools, and desks in Xie Huaijin's room are all made to the appropriate size and height, including some more subtle things, such as Ci Ying's hands are always within the young man's reach, and her eyes are always watching everything the young man does.
Two people sat in the sunset, holding hands.
The light of the setting sun shone on the two of them. Ci Ying leaned against the young man's shoulder and whispered, "I won't despise you."
She added, “I’m very good now.”
Xie Huaijin smiled gently, then nodded: "Very impressive."
Ci Ying also laughed, but the sadness she had just felt had not completely dissipated. It seemed to be only a very shallow layer, and the setting sun cast a layer of orange glow on it. Ci Ying leaned on the young man's shoulder and slowly closed her eyes.
"Xie Huaijin, will we grow old like this?" the girl asked softly.
She has grown up a lot compared to before. Time is moving forward step by step. Looking back, the life trajectory she can see is getting longer and longer, and as spring, summer, autumn and winter alternate, everything in her memory begins to blur.
Xie Huaijin said: "No."
Ci Ying didn't open her eyes, but the corners of her lips rose slightly.
The young man said the rest of the sentence: "Ciying will always be young."
No one can stay young forever, so Ci Ying said "liar" again, but somehow she started kissing the liar, and the sunset ended with the young man and the girl's long kiss.
People talk about long-lasting love and supporting each other through thick and thin. Ci Ying never thought that one day these words would be used to describe her and Xie Huaijin.
We said goodbye to Xie Huaijin in May. Things in Chang'an had not been dealt with yet because Xie Huaijin's health had been delaying them. Now there were some minor disturbances there, and Xie Huaijin needed to go back and take charge.
Ciying was unable to leave Mobei for the time being, so they had to part again.
They were separated for half a year, and reunited for half a year, which were obviously the same length, but Ci Ying felt that the six months they were together were particularly short. She stood at the dock and watched Xie Huaijin get on the boat.
After the boat sailed away, Xu Yun said to Ci Ying with a complicated expression, "Isn't Mr. Xie seasick?"
Ci Ying was stunned for a moment before she whispered, "Seasick?"
Xu Yun looked at Ci Ying's expression and said, "Don't you know? I thought you knew... He asked me for a lot of seasickness medicine before he left. If he wasn't in such a hurry, why didn't he take the land route? It wouldn't have delayed him by a few days."
Ci Ying was stunned for a long time, and finally said: "I don't think I know either."
It was for this reason that Xu Yun did not go back with Xie Huaijin. She planned to take the carriage back to Chang'an tomorrow. Except for her legs, Xie Huaijin's health had improved a lot.
There were also specialized doctors on board, so there wouldn't be any major problems. Because of this, Xu Yun could travel alone without worry. She planned to stop for a few days on the way to visit her former uncle-in-law.
The next day, Ciying bid farewell to Xu Yun in different places.
Xu Yun waved at her and said to Ci Ying with a smile, "Go back quickly. The wind is getting strong and it's getting dark. I'm afraid it's going to rain."
This kind of weather is not suitable for traveling, but Xu Yun said that her uncle-in-law has a strange personality. He wrote a letter a few days ago saying that he would visit her in two days. If she didn't show up by then, he might disappear.
Then Ci Ying realized that it was still because of Xie Huaijin's illness. She bowed and said "thank you" to Xu Yun. Xu Yun looked at her for a long time and just nodded: "Go back quickly, Ci Ying, I'll wait for you in Chang'an."
Ci Ying nodded.
In July, Ci Ying heard the news that Yin Ce had started a rebellion, but it did not cause much stir in the world. The next time he heard the news, he heard that Yin Ce had been beheaded.
Although it was expected, Ci Ying still sighed at the passing of a life.
She hadn't eaten much that day. When Yan Ji heard this, he frowned and said, "If you don't hate him, why can't you eat because someone died?"
Of course not.
Ci Ying said softly, "I just feel that human life is too frivolous in troubled times."
There were many people along the way, some she loved and some she hated, life is so short.
Yan Ji laughed twice and said, "That's what war is like. The first time I went to the battlefield with my adoptive father, many people died. I almost died too, if it weren't for my adoptive father's shot that saved me. Later, those comrades were also injured or killed. Now most of the people in the army who watched me grow up are gone."
Ci Ying listened quietly, letting the scorching summer light shine in.
In August, Ci Ying received a letter from Xie Huaijin, ending with the same words: "I miss you so much." Ci Ying's lips curled up slightly, and her spirit, weary from her busy official duties, felt a little relieved. As her mind wandered, she thought of the young man's sudden confusion in the letter. She seemed to have forgotten to ask why.
But it’s not a good idea to ask in a letter. We are not together now, so no matter how many doubts I have, I can only bear it for now.
Ci Ying was calculating the next time she would meet Xie Huaijin, and it seemed like she would have to wait until the end of the year again.
In September, Li Sheng brought Ru Zhen to Mobei, and Ci Ying was happy for many days.
Ru Zhen had fully recovered her spirits. Seeing Ci Ying, she hugged her first and then choked up. Ci Ying touched Ru Zhen's head, looked at Li Sheng, and whispered, "Where's Xie Ran?"
Li Sheng was still holding the fan Ci Ying had given him, shaking his head as he fanned himself. "Xie Ran is busy with the academy and will come back in a few days. We've discussed staying in Mobei for a while. I wonder if Miss Ci Ying would be willing to take her in temporarily."
How could Ci Ying say "no"? She just smiled and said, "I've reserved a room for you this morning."
"Do I have it too this time?" Mr. Li was "fussy" about the last time Ci Ying avoided suspicion.
Ci Ying nodded and said with a smile, "Both."
Li Sheng looked at Ci Ying's smile and suddenly felt relieved.
Ru Zhen and Ci Ying walked in front, and Li Sheng followed slowly behind.
Ci Ying briefly recounted the whole story of her life to Ru Zhen. Ru Zhen was stunned for a long time before she whispered, "Yuwen Fu came to see me once two years ago."
Ci Ying nodded and looked at Ru Zhen.
Ruzhen said: "...I let him go."
Ci Ying took Ru Zhen's hand and squeezed it soothingly. Ru Zhen sighed and said softly, "He's actually Ci Ying's biological brother. No wonder... no wonder I initially thought his aura was somewhat similar to yours."
Ci Ying laughed: "People from the previous generation said that Miss Yan and I look very similar."
"Mother?" Ru Zhen said.
Ci Ying nodded: "Well, I'll take you to see her in two days."
Ru Zhen suddenly felt uneasy, and Ci Ying said gently, "She is a very good person."
Ru Zhen believed that only a good Miss Yan could give birth to a child like Ciying.
......
Later, Ciying welcomed Xie Ran again, and sent off Li Sheng, Ru Zhen and Xie Ran. Lingyue and Lingshuang were often busy with military and shop affairs and did not return home. Yan Ji came frequently, mostly to discuss the problems of the aristocratic families in Mobei with Ciying.
At first, their chosen ally was the Yin family, but Yin Ce attacked her and could not be kept, so Ci Ying used thundering means to drive him out of Mobei.
The fundamental reason is that the aristocratic families in Mobei have become insignificant over the years, so after Ci Ying came to power, the disintegration became even more serious. The aristocratic families cannot be allowed to be arrogant, but they cannot be allowed to be completely insignificant either. Ci Ying and Yan Ji have been looking for a suitable solution, and finally chose the Wang family.
On the surface, the Wang family gradually developed and returned to the top position of the aristocratic families from being one of the four declining families. Secretly, the Wang family has all belonged to the Yan Mansion, or the Wang Mansion.
After taking charge of the army, Ci Ying naturally became the person in charge of the Yan family. After Yuwen Shu's death, all the titles of the royal palace fell on her. However, compared to the title of "king" which inherited Yuwen Shu, Ci Ying preferred to be called "the head of the Yan family."
In November, Ci Ying told Yan Ji that she needed to leave Mobei for a while.
After spending so many years together, the relationship between the two has become almost like that of family.
Yan Ji asked, "How is Mr. Xie's health recently?"
Ci Ying thought of what was written in the letter: "Xu Yun said it was not bad."
Yan Ji smiled and said, "That's good. Go ahead. I'll take care of the affairs here."
Ci Ying said softly, "I won't take Lingyue and Lingshuang with me. If you have any problems that you find difficult to resolve, you can discuss them with them. If you're truly unsure, send someone to report to me."
Yan Ji nodded, and suddenly raised his hand to touch Ci Ying's head.
"Go ahead."
"Be happy."
Ci Ying smiled.
At the end of November, Ci Ying took a boat to Chang'an. She did not inform Xie Huaijin in advance because she wanted to give the young man a surprise.
As the boat was sailing on the water, Ci Ying kept thinking about Xu Yun's words, which was about Xie Huaijin's seasickness.
Many scenes emerged in her memory, and she vaguely felt that she should not be completely unaware of it, but it was true that before Xu Yun said it, she could not feel it at all.
She leaned back on the couch and looked out the window at the rushing water outside.
Why take a boat if you're seasick?
She must have been unable to come up with an answer.
But I didn’t really want to ask Xie Huaijin.
Rather than this, she wanted to ask about the messed up letter.
It was already December when they arrived in Chang'an. Chang'an was getting colder day by day, and somehow it was even drier than the Mobei area. Slight cracks appeared on Ci Ying's lips.
In the inn, Ci Ying was applying ointment in front of the bronze mirror while the maid prepared the meal behind her.
After this meal, she will go to meet Xie Huaijin.
Because the medicine had just been applied, Ciying was afraid of getting the ointment on her, so she ate it very slowly.
It wasn't until it started raining outside that Ciying finished her meal.
Strangely enough, it hadn't rained in Chang'an for half a month, but Ciying happened to catch it.
The maidservant whispered from behind, "Why is it raining? It's inevitable that your clothes will get wet when you go out."
Ci Ying smiled for some reason. She walked to the window and caught the rain in her hands.
"Maybe it's because I'm about to meet Xie Huaijin."
There is no connection.
But Ciying said yes, and the maid also said "yes".
In the end, the two men did not take the carriage. Instead, each of them held an umbrella and walked onto the busy street.
"Miss, are your shoes and socks wet? If you feel uncomfortable, I will go and hail a carriage."
Ci Ying looked up at the raindrops falling from the sky: "It's been a long time since Mobei has had such heavy rain."
The maid, a native of Mobei, echoed, "Mobei is dry, not as dry as Chang'an."
"Then you should go to Jiangnan, where it rains more." Ci Ying smiled.
The maid also laughed: "I will go and see it after I leave the mansion in two years."
Ci Ying smiled and said, "Then I'll pack your bag for you."
The maidservant was embarrassed: "Young lady, you have already given us a lot. The money I have saved over the years should be enough."
After Ci Ying took over the Yan Mansion, the Yan Mansion, which had been unable to make ends meet despite tightening its belt, changed its appearance.
The maid's name is Mei Qing. She was chosen by Ling Yue to be Ci Ying's personal maid a year ago.
Lingyue and Lingshuang are always busy, so Meiqing is usually responsible for Ciying's daily life.
Since Lingyue and Lingshuang couldn't leave this time, Ciying brought Meiqing with her.
Entering the mansion from the side door, Ci Ying originally wanted to give Xie Huaijin a surprise, but when she reached the young man's yard, she saw the young man sitting in a wheelchair under the corridor looking at her tenderly.
Ci Ying walked over, put away the umbrella in her hand, and complained, "How did you know?"
Although he was complaining, he couldn't hide the smile on his face.
She hugged the young man who went out to greet her and said softly, "Xie Huaijin, Xie Huaijin, Xie Huaijin."
The name is like a spell.
The young man hugged her and said gently, "I thought you would be late for another month."
Ci Ying smiled and said, "It should have been, but I happened to be able to finish the rest of the things first. There's nothing else to do for the time being, so I asked Lingyue Lingshuang and Yan Ji to get some of it before mid-December."
After she finished speaking, she just looked at Xie Huaijin.
The young man kept looking at her gently, and after a while, he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.
Ci Ying pushed the young man's wheelchair through the corridor. It was already December, but the vines on it were still dark green. After being soaked by the rain, they became lush green and looked particularly vibrant.
After closing the door, Ci Ying squatted down, held the young man's hand, and whispered, "It's so cold, how long have you been waiting?"
Xie Huaijin said, "Not long."
Although they hadn't seen each other for half a year, there was no strangeness between them. Ci Ying looked into the young man's smiling eyes, and suddenly forgot what she was going to say.
Just remember——
"Xie Huaijin, I miss you so much."
This sentence has been said countless times in the deep nights of Mobei, and now it is finally said to the person I miss.
The young man looked at her for a long time, and Ci Ying's eyes turned red. She couldn't help but hug him and put her head on Xie Huaijin's shoulder. She whispered, "Don't you miss me..."
Ci Ying knew it wasn't true, of course, but people are strange, especially in front of the one they love, they want to arbitrarily confirm something whenever they have time.
Xie Huaijin spoke and chuckled.
Ci Ying felt her face turning red, she buried her face and said nothing.
"I miss you." The young man said gently.
"I really want to quit Ying." The young man continued.
"I'm very happy that Ciying can come to Chang'an. I'm very happy." Xie Huaijin said one sentence at a time. His hand stroked the head of the person in his arms and said softly: "I'm just too happy."
Happy, glad, these words always give Xie Huaijin a strange feeling when they come out.
But soon Ciying felt that this was the reason.
Xie Huaijin should be happy and cheerful.
I will always be happy and cheerful in the future.
She smiled and hugged Xie Huaijin's neck, whispering: "I came here by boat. I just arrived in Chang'an and had only one meal when it started raining. I saw it raining..."
When it rains, I miss you very much.
The unfinished words were lost in the kiss that started from nowhere. When they took off their clothes, Ci Ying saw the momentary stiffness in the young man's eyes. She withdrew her hand, blinked, and asked softly, "Xie Huaijin, is there something I don't know?"
Of course there are.
Ci Ying put her face close to the young man's face: "It doesn't matter if you don't say it. If you don't like it, I won't do it."
In the past, she always thought that the young man didn't love her and disliked her, so he felt disgusted even when she was close to him. But it was obvious that she was wrong. He loved her, but even if the person he was close to was her, his body was still so stiff.
Ci Ying understood that there must be something she didn't know.
In the past, she could still ask Zhu Guang, but now...
Ci Ying leaned against Xie Huaijin and whispered, "Then I'll get up."
Before she could fully stand up, the young man carried her back. Ci Ying heard the heartbeats spreading between the two people. She leaned quietly on the young man's shoulder, feeling the synchronized heartbeats of the two.
Xie Huaijin didn't speak for a long time. Ci Ying thought for a while, raised her hand, and gently touched the young man's head over and over again.
She said softly, "It's okay. I don't have to know."
Xie Huaijin looked at Ci Ying and still didn't say anything.
Would anyone like to tell their loved one about their imperfections?
Xie Huaijin didn't know.
But he doesn't like it.
Then he fell into an unspeakable silence.
Ci Ying rarely saw Xie Huaijin like this. She looked at the young man tenderly, her forehead against his. "I don't necessarily need to know. I can pay more attention in the future. How much can you accept?"
Ci Ying saw her own reflection in the young man's beautiful eyes.
Her hand slowly climbed up the young man's snow-white clothes and stopped at his shoulder.
She kissed him between the eyebrows: "This is a kiss."
She kissed the tip of his nose again: "This is also a kiss."
Then came the lips, lightly, like a dragonfly touching the water, leaving in an instant.
Ci Ying said gently, "This is still a kiss."
When she wanted to continue, Xie Huaijin hugged her. The young man silently held her in his arms and whispered, "I'm sorry."
Ci Ying didn't say anything else.
It doesn’t matter, there is still a long way to go.
Her lover is used to holding her in his arms. In fact, she can also be an umbrella or a tree. She is always willing to be his driftwood in this world.
Let him take root.
......
Late at night, Xie Huaijin was looking at pornographic pictures. He finished reading a booklet with an expressionless face. After closing the book, he still couldn't help but vomit.
Close your eyes, and the scenes from the past will intertwine before your eyes again.
He frowned and moved his hand away from the book. After a long time, his fingers touched the pages of the erotic picture again and he silently turned them over, page by page, until he had read them all again. Only then could he hold back and spit them out again.
After repeating this several times, Xie Huaijin had vomited out nothing in his stomach but clear water.
Zhu Yi, who was in the dark, came out to deal with it. He glanced at the young master in the distance and started cleaning silently.
When people get sick, they lose some of their dignity.
Even if this person is Xie Huaijin, there is no way to avoid it.
In the dark night, the young man lowered his eyes and sat silently in the wheelchair.
It was drizzling outside. There was no moon in the night sky. Only a weak wind mixed with raindrops blew in through the window bit by bit and hit the young man's face. He raised his hand to wipe it away, but there was nothing.
Zhu Yi handed over the warm tea, and Xie Huaijin rinsed his mouth silently.
The pornographic book was taken away by Zhu Yi.
Ci Ying found out about this late at night a few days later. She missed Xie Huaijin a little and had gotten up to go see him. Seeing that the light was on in the young man's study, she walked straight towards the study. Halfway there, she saw Zhu Yi pushing the door open.
When Zhu Yi saw Ci Ying, he was a little surprised, but quickly lowered his head.
Ci Ying realized something was wrong and walked around Zhu Yi and went inside. When she saw the pale young man who had vomited, Ci Ying's heart suddenly rose. She hurried over to ask Xie Huaijin what was wrong.
Seeing her coming, the young man was a little stunned.
Ci Ying's brows slowly furrowed, and when she looked up, she saw the pornographic album on the desk.
The erotic album was open, and Ci Ying, no fool, could easily relate to the young man's current appearance. Heartache and anger surged in Ci Ying's heart almost simultaneously. She patted Xie Huaijin's back while feeding him water, then took a cup beside him for him to rinse his mouth.
It's rare for a young man to feel guilty.
But rather than feeling guilty, there was more of an unspeakable silence emanating from the young man.
It was the young man who spoke first: "Were you woken by the rain?"
Ci Ying looked at him straight. Of course, she wouldn't say "I miss you" now, but she also didn't want to say that she was woken up by the sound of rain.
She patted his back and saw the young man looking at her.
The young man lowered his eyes and said softly, "Ciying, don't be angry."
It turns out that I knew she would be angry.
Ci Ying still looked at Xie Huaijin without saying anything.
The young man started coughing, and Ci Ying could no longer pretend. She quickly stood up and patted Xie Huaijin's back. She brought him some tea and anxiously asked Xie Huaijin to clear his mouth again, as it would be dangerous if the vomit got stuck in his throat.
"I, I'm fine..."
"Ciying, don't be angry."
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