Chapter 82
◎Only ashes are frivolous——◎
After the young man finished speaking, he took a sip of tea from Ci Ying's hand, then bent down and spit it into the empty basin beside him. Ci Ying stared at Xie Huaijin's pale profile, and clenched the teacup for a moment.
After the young man spit out the water, he lowered his eyes and his fingertips trembled slightly.
It was difficult for Ci Ying to describe the feeling in her heart at this moment. It was probably a mixture of anger and rage, but it was overwhelmed by the uncontrollable and surging heartache. She looked at Xie Huaijin for a long time without waiting for him to say anything else.
She turned around and the young man held her hand.
She whispered, "I'm just going to put the teacup down."
The young man slowly released her hand.
Ci Ying took a deep breath, walked to the table and put down the teacup.
The young man's voice came from behind: "I'm sorry."
Ci Ying turned her back to Xie Huaijin, her eyes flushed slightly, and her voice became softer: "Xie Huaijin, you know this is not what I want to hear."
There was silence behind him for a moment.
Ci Ying turned around, anger welling up in her. She looked at the young man's face, which had turned pale again: "Why are you abusing your body again?" After saying this, her tears fell: "You acted like this when I was around, so what did you do when I was gone? No matter what the reason is, didn't I tell you that I don't care? Didn't I tell you that I don't care..."
Ci Ying choked up as she finished the rest of her words, her emotions breaking down as she squatted down and cried.
Xie Huaijin was visibly panicked. He would rather Ci Ying blame him, rebuke him, and be angry than see Ci Ying's current appearance. He wanted to use his hands to support himself in the wheelchair, but he had no feeling in his legs.
He pushed the wheelchair to Ciying's side, and his fingers trembled as he placed them on her shoulder.
Beside him was Ci Ying, who was bursting into tears. His hands were at a loss as to how to calm Ci Ying's emotions caused by him. He opened his mouth several times before finally speaking with difficulty: "I... just, just..."
Some things were too difficult for Xie Huaijin to say, and he was unable to say them in the end.
The room fell silent for a moment, with only Ci Ying's trembling body and the young man's shaking fingers.
The candle flame not far away jumped and exploded with a "crackling" sound.
Ci Ying wiped her tears and looked at Xie Huaijin with red eyes.
"I didn't force you to tell me. I don't necessarily need to know. I've always told you this. I just don't want you to harm your body, Xie Huaijin. I'll be worried. I'm terrified, terrified that your body will fail again. I just want you to live safely and healthily."
Ci Ying glanced at the pornographic pictures on the table and choked up softly, "Why do I have to look at these things? Why do I have to keep looking at them even if I'm sick of them?"
Ci Ying threw the booklet out with one hand. The booklet hit the wall, made a slight sound, and fell to the ground.
But Ci Ying's mood did not recover. She looked at Xie Huaijin with red eyes and resisted the urge to turn around and leave.
The young man's eyes also turned red, making his phoenix eyes look particularly beautiful. His pale face rested on his slender neck. His black hair was not completely tied up, and part of it was scattered around his waist. He reached out and held Ci Ying's hand.
Ci Ying shook her off, but he held her again.
Ci Ying pushed away again, but he still held on.
Ci Ying could have just left, but seeing Xie Huaijin like this, she couldn't bear to leave.
She walked forward and hugged the man, her voice was very soft, and there was silent silence and grievance between the lines.
It has been so difficult along the way that no one wants to have even a small breakup.
Ciying's voice came from between the hugs.
"I clearly said I don't care anymore."
The young man lowered his eyes and said nothing.
......
"sorry......"
Xie Huaijin finally said softly.
Ci Ying raised her hand and stroked the young man's pale face, and said in a hoarse voice: "You are not sorry for me, you are just sorry for yourself. Don't abuse your body again. If you abuse it again..."
Ci Ying wanted to say something harsh, but couldn't think of anything.
She was the only person in the world who could threaten Xie Huaijin, but she didn't want to use words like separation and leaving, so in the end, she could only grit her teeth and bite Xie Huaijin viciously.
When her lips touched the raised and mottled scar on Xie Huaijin's wrist, Ci Ying's eyes began to tear up again.
Heartache is a very strange thing.
It's sour, astringent, and painful, but it's hard to express in words.
The young man touched her head with his other hand, soothing her slowly. Ci Ying's teeth were getting looser and looser, and she was reluctant to use much force. There was only a shallow tooth mark on the young man's wrist.
The young man was still saying "I'm sorry".
Ci Ying glanced at Xie Huaijin and said softly, "I don't forgive you."
But the two of them knew each other too well, and with just one glance, Xie Huaijin could tell that Ci Ying had calmed down.
He still said "I'm sorry". Ci Ying glanced at him again and whispered, "Will you still read pornographic books in the future?"
A silent groan came from the booklet that fell on the wall.
The young man lowered his eyes, not knowing what to say.
Ci Ying said softly, "Xie Huaijin, you don't have to do things you don't like."
The wind rushed in from the window, carrying with it the faint scent of flowers, and seemingly moonlight, fallen leaves, and the distant melodious chirping of birds. For the first time in his long life, someone told Xie Huaijin—
Xie Huaijin, you don’t have to do things you don’t like.
He tried to argue: "A lot needs to be done."
Ci Ying looked at him stubbornly: "If you don't want to do it, don't do it."
As she spoke, she stood up, walked to Xie Huaijin, bent down and hugged him in her arms: "No matter what it is, if you don't want to do it or don't like to do it, let's not do it."
The young man stared blankly at the person in front of him. He said, "There are always some things..."
Ci Ying covered the man's mouth. After spending so much time with Yan Ji, she had also become a bit of a "rogue". "No matter what, I won't do it. Xie Huaijin, stop talking."
Xie Huaijin really stopped talking and just stared at Ci Ying blankly.
Both of them understood how serious Ciying was about this joke.
"I don't need you to do anything for me. I will fight for power on my own, and I will work hard to get what I want. I don't need you to read these pornographic brochures day and night, nor do I need you to pave so many roads in secret."
Ci Ying still covered the young man's lips until she felt a light kiss on her fingertips. She trembled her fingers and hugged him again.
The young man's voice was as faint as moonlight: "Ci Ying is amazing."
And he seemed useless.
From a long time ago, it has been just a burden to Ciying.
Ci Ying stared into the young man's eyes and whispered, "Xie Huaijin, what are you thinking about?"
Under the dim candlelight, the young man raised his eyes with a faint smile in his eyes.
He said truthfully, "I just feel that Ciying's husband shouldn't be such a useless person."
Ci Ying didn't understand the meaning of this sentence at first, but after she understood it, she clenched her fists.
She used a lot of effort to hold back her tears: "So what kind of person do you think my husband should be?"
Xie Huaijin thought for a long time and said, "I don't know. It seems that no one is worthy of me."
Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin and loosened her grip little by little: "I thought you were going to push me to someone else again."
This was the first time Ciying really talked about this topic.
She looked into Xie Huaijin's eyes and said softly, "If you do something like this again, I will really leave."
Her tone was even calm, and only she knew that her hands were shaking under her sleeves.
Xie Huaijin looked at Ciying for a long time, then leaned over and held Ciying's hand.
That night, the two of them slept in the same bed.
The conflict was not actually resolved, but that seemed to be the situation between the two people. No one dared to continue talking that day. Before it came to that point, people always had a hope and were willing to temporarily get by in order to stay together.
After that day, the relationship between the two people actually did not change much from before. The quarrel that night was just a small episode that buried a thorn in the hearts of both of them.
Although he had left Mobei, Ciying still had to handle official business every day.
Xie Huaijin usually stays with Ciying.
Ci Ying was actually still a little angry the next day, but when she saw Xie Huaijin reading a book beside her during her spare time while handling official business, that trace of anger completely disappeared. She realized later that her words that day were a bit decisive and threatening, but she couldn't say it out loud.
In the next two days, Yan Ji brought a lot of official business, and Ci Ying sometimes had to work until late at night.
Xie Huaijin always stays with Ciying.
The two of them always sleep in the same bed every night.
Ci Ying once wanted to see Xie Huaijin's legs, but was rejected by the young man.
He rarely refused her anything, so when the young man silently stopped her hand, the atmosphere was a little awkward.
Ci Ying didn’t actually have to see it, but she didn’t understand why the doctor could see it, the maid could see it, Zhu Yi and Zhu Er could see it, but she couldn’t?
She always felt that he was avoiding her.
In many things.
Ci Ying felt that a couple shouldn't be like this, and she had no one to talk to, so she became more silent day by day.
The argument erupted when Ci Ying once again discovered Xie Huaijin looking at those pornographic pictures. She looked at the pale-faced man in disbelief and asked in a trembling voice, "Xie Huaijin, do you know what you are doing?"
The young man's body was covered in vomit and filth, with a handkerchief in his hand silently placed at his lips. Zhu Yi lowered his head and stopped talking. Ci Ying threw the pornographic album on the table away with one hand, her anger making her a little out of control.
Later, she didn't know how she could say such cruel words.
She was dizzy from the midday sun. As the dizziness came over her, she said calmly, "Xie Huaijin, if you want to torture yourself to death, then do it. I'll live well and save myself from traveling back and forth between Mobei and Chang'an. Oh, we're not husband and wife now, and we won't be buried together even after a hundred years."
She felt dizzy but looked lucid. She finished speaking and left.
The young man, who had never raised his head, finally raised his head when she said, "We will never be buried together even after a hundred years."
In the midday light, the young man looked at the figure walking away and felt the sunlight was dazzling.
He looked at the filth on his body, the saliva-soaked handkerchief in his hand, and his immobile legs, and smiled lightly.
Zhu Yi looked at him worriedly, but after a long while, he only heard the young man say, "Please change my clothes for me. Sorry for the trouble."
Zhu opened his mouth, but didn't know what to say.
He obviously felt that this shouldn't happen.
Zhu Yi still went to get his clothes. Xie Huaijin was unbuttoning his clothes behind the screen. This was the only thing he could do now. Then Zhu Yi turned him over, took off his clothes first, wiped him with a clean towel, and helped him put on a clean robe.
Xie Huaijin looked at his crippled leg, his hand resting quietly on it. When Zhu turned around and saw that Xie Huaijin's leg was covered in blood, he exclaimed, "Master!"
Xie Huaijin said calmly, "Zhu Yi, still unconscious."
Zhu Yi hurriedly said, "Doctor Xu said there is still a chance of recovery."
Xie Huaijin paused for a moment. Zhu Yi was busy cleaning the blood on his leg. He looked at Zhu Yi and asked softly, "Zhu Yi, am I weird?"
Zhu was stunned for a moment. In fact, he didn't understand what the young master was talking about at first.
But thinking about the leg incident, Zhu Yi hurriedly shook his head: "No."
Xie Huaijin didn't seem to need Zhu Yi's answer. He just said softly, "My aunt always said I was a monster."
Zhu Yi has no say in this.
Fortunately, Xie Huaijin didn't need Zhu Yi's answer.
He just looked at Sheng Wu's scorching light, his eyes slowly drooping.
He seemed to be grateful to Ciying for "not caring about anything". Ciying was really a good lover. She didn't care about his past hurting her, his seriously ill body and disabled leg, or whether he could be... humane.
Xie Huaijin felt like vomiting when he thought of these two words, but when he thought of Ci Ying, he was able to swallow it back briefly.
Just because Ci Ying is a very good lover, a very good person, and a light purer than the midday sun, he stares at himself silently.
Why?
Xie Huaijin, what makes you think you can do that?
A monster, a cripple who could get sick at any time, an inhuman waste, why is he so tolerated by Ci Ying?
Yes, it is inclusive.
It was Ci Ying who illuminated him from top to bottom, and when he opened his eyes, he could see his own misery.
He held onto Ci Ying's ugly face tightly, unwilling to let go.
The face will eventually age, and one day, Ci Ying will no longer like his face.
What would he do then?
Attachment, desire, and self-destructive consciousness are intertwined. No one can tell Xie Huaijin what these unfamiliar emotions are. He has been a favored child since childhood and has never suffered such a long-lasting setback in his life. He feels inferior to his lover.
He looked into the future and could only see a terrible past.
The webs woven by lust trapped his soul tightly. He looked at the pornographic pictures in his hands, and his mind was filled with only a raging tsunami, which was going to annihilate everything he had, including his body and even his soul.
Even though Ciying said again and again that she didn't care.
It turns out that the heartache in a lover's eyes is also a sharp knife.
But if you ask Xie Huaijin what he wants, he will be stunned for a long time and can only say the name "Ciying".
......
It seems to have become a weird vicious cycle.
A long time ago, Xie Huaijin wrapped himself in a beautiful and gentle shell.
When he was about to die, Xie Huaijin persuaded himself to let go of Ciying's hand. He made a series of careful plans and arranged everything for Ciying in the world after his death. The letters that came at increasingly longer intervals were one of them.
He faced death very calmly, even though he couldn't even say goodbye to Ciying.
But Ciying is here...
Ciying said he wanted to live, Ciying said he couldn't die, Ciying said he loved him.
She held his hand again and again, extending his lifeline bit by bit.
He went from being confused to being at a loss to being surprised and then to being panicked. He began to pray for God's favor in his heart, worked hard to take medicine to treat his illness, and got through everything in a thrilling way.
It seems like it's finally healed...
It seems like it's finally healed.
He seemed to be able to stay with Ciying like this.
......Um.
His crippled body and broken soul are bathed in the tolerance of his lover.
Xie Huaijin felt guilty and grateful, but tears kept falling.
He trapped his lover.
So when Ci Ying repeatedly said she didn't care, Xie Huaijin wondered, how could she not care? How long could Ci Ying's love for him be consumed by the long years...
Can it last until the day he dies?
Those who struggle to survive may one day find death a long time coming.
In the study, Zhu Yi looked at the silent Xie Huaijin and asked softly, "Do you need me to ask Madam to come back?"
The young man shook his head and looked at his legs.
Well, it’s not even convenient for him to leave the house to look for people.
"Go down, I want to be alone for a while." Xie Huaijin said.
Zhu Yi wanted to say something, but saw that the young man had already pushed the wheelchair to the dark room.
Behind the screen, the young man's figure was thin and silent.
......
After leaving the house, Ci Ying found a teahouse and went to the private room on the second floor. The waiter brought her tea. Ci Ying took a sip and came back to her senses from the dizziness.
Her anger made her whole body stiff, and she could hardly feel the scalding tea burning her tongue.
By the time I felt it, my tongue had already lost sensation.
It seemed as if all reactions were delayed. After a long time, Ci Ying realized what she had just said. Her hand holding the teacup was a little stiff, but she said in her heart.
It's not her fault.
Anyway, she won't go back unless Xie Huaijin comes to coax her in person this time.
Ciying added, "It doesn't work no matter how much I coax her."
As for how many times?
Ci Ying didn't think about this problem, because she not only didn't see Xie Huaijin the whole afternoon, she didn't even see Zhu Yi and Zhu Er.
It seemed that she really started to get angry and serious at this time. Ci Ying was very clear that the Xie family was following her. She had not left the teahouse all afternoon, and it was impossible for Xie Huaijin not to know where she was.
Ciying’s grievances were almost overflowing, and she even wanted to go back to Mobei.
But I can't bear to do that.
She was reluctant to part again after only seeing each other for a few days after half a year, and she also didn't want Xie Huaijin to drag his seriously ill body on a long journey.
Ci Ying did not hide her soft-heartedness. She knew very well that she loved Xie Huaijin, just as she knew very well that Xie Huaijin loved her.
So she didn't understand why Xie Huaijin didn't care about his own health?
There is a reason...
Ci Ying looked at the dark sky outside, feeling aggrieved that she couldn't even get a foothold.
late at night.
Zhu Yi reported Ci Ying's whereabouts today to Xie Huaijin. The young man was stunned for a moment and said softly, "Remove the people around her. She doesn't like me sending people to monitor her."
Now Ciying has someone to protect her, Xie Huaijin said to himself.
Zhu Yi said "yes", but did not leave.
Xie Huaijin glanced at Zhu Yi and said, "You go down first."
Candle one can only go down.
The light in the study was on all night. The young man did nothing but copy Buddhist scriptures, page by page. When the desk was full of them, he burned them one by one.
In the firelight, the young man remained silent, as ashes fell on his snow-covered clothes.
For a moment, Xie Huaijin thought it would be nice to have the fire burning.
Ciying no longer needed him a long time ago.
It was he who always needed Ciying.
It was only with Ciying that I was able to live a few more years.
After it burned out, he called Candle in.
There was a burn hole on his snow-white coat, caused by sparks. He whispered, "Go get a set of clean clothes."
Zhu Yi said "yes" and then repeated it. Zhu Yi looked at the wound on the young man's leg and lowered his eyes.
After changing clothes, Xie Huaijin let Zhu Yi go out.
He continued to copy Buddhist scriptures. In the room full of ashes, he was the only one like dust and snow.
The ashes were light and floating, and when they fell, they made the cleanest spot in the room dirty.
*
The next day, I woke up from the inn.
Ci Ying called out the secret guard and asked if anyone came to look for her yesterday.
The secret guard shook his head: "No, the people who followed the master are gone too."
Ci Ying was stunned for a moment, then said softly, "I understand. You can go down."
After waking up, Ci Ying was not actually very angry anymore, and was even more worried about Xie Huaijin's health. But when she heard the words of the secret guard, Ci Ying gritted her teeth for a moment. The most useful thing she had learned over the years was not to hurt herself when she was angry, but to find the person who made her angry.
She thought about it, then called out the secret guard and asked him to hire a few people.
The secret guard listened and did not dare to say a word about his master's behavior.
Ciying stayed in the inn for the whole day. At noon, the secret guard told her "it's done". In the evening, Ciying prepared to go out.
As I passed by the theater, the actors inside were waving their sleeves and singing: "In life, we share the same quilt, in death, we share the same bed, and we will always be apart."
Ci Ying was stunned for a moment, not knowing what to feel.
She had never intended to say such harsh words, but... Ciying walked past the theater and bought a candied haws from an old man on the roadside. It was not the same one as before. The old man had died a few months ago, and Xie Huaijin had told her about this in a letter.
Ci Ying bit the candied haws in her hand, and her eyes felt sore for some reason. She didn't know why Xie Huaijin didn't come to find her. Wasn't it his fault?
Even if her words were a little harsh, it was because he did something bad first, so why didn't he admit his mistake to her.
Obviously...
Ci Ying had almost forgotten what she had said yesterday that she would not forgive Xie Huaijin even if he admitted his mistake. She walked on the street. The streets of Chang'an were actually not much different from before, but if you looked closely, you could see that the people had changed. Ci Ying was trapped in this world where everything had changed and the candied haws in her mouth turned sour.
What was even more heartbreaking was the inexplicable tears she shed. A kind-hearted woman handed her a handkerchief to show her concern. She thanked her repeatedly and said that she was fine. She walked all the way to the river and sat on the grass. She was actually a little cold, but according to her plan, she had to wait a little longer.
A poor plan, but Ciying couldn't think of anything else.
She wanted Xie Huaijin to have a taste of what she was doing every day.
When the secret guards led the people from Xie's house, the scene suddenly became chaotic. Many people came out from the bushes and surrounded Ci Ying. Amidst the flash of swords and blood, Ci Ying was knocked unconscious and taken away by the men in black. When the people from Xie's family saw this, they hurried to chase them, but it was too late. The men in black and Ci Ying had disappeared completely.
All that was left for Xie Huaijin was fresh bloodstains on the grass.
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