Chapter 68
◎Light.
The carriage arrived quickly. Lingyue helped Ciying onto the carriage. Seeing that Ciying had her head lowered, she poured a cup of tea from the side and handed it to Ciying: "Master, have a cup of tea first."
Ci Ying took it, but didn't drink it. She just held it in her hand, and her fingers gripped the wall of the cup little by little.
Lingyue didn't know what had happened, but it was rare to see Ciying like this. His whole body was stiff, with no emotion on his face. He just lowered his head silently.
She sat closer to Ciying and gently held Ciying's hand to show that she was by her side.
Ci Ying met Ling Yue's gaze and took a sip of tea, but in fact she could no longer taste anything.
The tea went down her throat, and Ciying's lips touched the wall of the cup for a long time.
Ci Ying thought about many things, but she never thought that Xie Huaijin would die.
People like Xie Huaijin seem to have calculated everything about life and death. Ci Ying never thought that one day she would have to face the possibility of Xie Huaijin's death.
The carriage drove through the bustling city, then a forest, and finally arrived at a secluded house.
Ciying was helped down by Lingyue. The groom said, "Miss, we're here. This is the place the letter says."
The house was so quiet that the sound of the carriage wheels could be heard clearly. Ci Ying looked at the closed door and actually had the urge to retreat, but she did not take a step back. After a long silence, she stepped forward and knocked on the door lock.
No one opened the door for a long time. Lingyue also walked over to take a look. Suddenly, she let out a soft "ah", then opened the lock with her hand and pushed it open. There was an empty space behind the door, but there was a faint sound coming from a distance.
Ci Ying took Ling Yue into a desolate area, walked through the corridor, and the first person they saw at the corner was Zhu Yi.
Before Zhu Yi could even utter the word "Madam", it was forcefully changed to "Miss Ciying".
Even from such a distance, the smell of herbs had already entered Ciying's nostrils, but the white cloth had not been hung yet, so the person should still be alive.
Ci Ying didn't know whether to be happy or sad for a moment, there was only silence around her.
Her eyes trembled, and she asked Zhu Yi softly, "How is he?"
This time it was Zhu Yi who was silent. At this moment, another person suddenly came around the corner. When he saw Ci Ying, his eyes widened a little. It was Zhu Er.
Ci Ying looked at two identical faces with different expressions.
Zhu Er was more frank than Zhu Yi, and spoke in a softer voice: "Madam, are you here to see the young master?"
Ci Ying had no need to deny it, so she pushed the two people away and tried to go in.
Zhu Yi and Zhu Er didn't reach out to stop them, but only stopped Ling Yue. Ling Yue saw that Zhu Yi and Zhu Er had no idea why Ci Ying came. She turned to look at Zhu Yi and Zhu Er, wanting to find out more about Ci Ying: "Is it serious?"
Zhu Er nodded, but his eyes were looking in the direction where Ci Ying went in.
Zhu Yi lowered his eyes, but after a long time he also said "hmm".
Lingyue also looked inside the house. Ciying crossed the yard and came to a corridor, then gently pushed open a door. Lingyue saw Ciying hesitate for a while, but after a few moments, she walked in.
The smell of herbs in the room was a thousand times stronger than that outside. When Ci Ying stepped in, she felt as if her whole body and heart were soaked in a medicine jar. Her eyes trembled as she looked towards the bed. The gauze was a very light gray. The wind lifted it up a little, and she saw a graceful figure.
The young man is sleeping.
The smell of medicine in the room was so strong that Ci Ying wanted to cover her mouth and nose. She took a step forward and tears fell for some reason. She hadn't even seen that person yet, but she couldn't hold back her tears.
The door was blown shut by the wind behind her, and Ci Ying realized that the room was very dark. There was only a lamp burning on the table in the distance. It was an oil lamp, and the crackling sound was like the sound of sunlight shining through the clouds.
Before she knew it, she had stopped in front of the young man's bed.
A faint smell of blood wafted from the bed. As the gauze curtain swung, Ci Ying was able to see the young man's thin and pale face. His beautiful eyes were quietly closed, his lips were flat and pale, and there were large needle marks on his neck and wrists, all dark blue and pale.
Ci Ying had seen Xie Huaijin like this once.
Last time, his body was covered in blood, but this time, there was not a trace of blood, but the smell of blood was everywhere.
Ci Ying sat quietly beside the young man's bed, staring at his pale face. She couldn't quite recall the past. It seemed like so many things had happened, each of which had made her think they were destined to never see each other again, but now she couldn't quite recall them.
When the young man woke up, Ci Ying was looking at the crisscrossing scars on his wrists.
Some are deep, some are shallow, and they crisscross like a spider web.
Ci Ying was silent for a long time, then raised her eyes and looked at the young man who was looking at her.
He seemed to feel like it was a dream, but even in the dream, Xie Huaijin just looked at Ci Ying silently.
Ci Ying didn't say anything either. Perhaps silence is contagious.
As if he was sure that it was really a dream, Xie Huaijin looked at Ci Ying for a long time. He didn't think the news could reach Ci Ying's ears, so he looked greedily in his dream. After a while, he closed his eyes, satisfied with this dream.
Ci Ying didn't understand what Xie Huaijin was thinking, so she took the initiative to speak. She said, "Xie Huaijin, do you really not want to live?"
The girl's calm voice reached Xie Huaijin's ears. He slowly opened his eyes and his fingers became stiff.
Ci Ying met the young man's eyes and saw surprise and silence in them.
Well, there was only surprise and silence.
Then he escaped. Xie Huaijin half-closed his eyes and just looked at Ci Ying's hanging hand.
Ci Ying rarely saw Xie Huaijin like this. She looked at him carefully for a long time and asked softly, "You feel bad too, don't you?"
The young man coughed, and there was a hint of excuse in his words: "I didn't."
He didn't mean to use his illness to force her back.
Ci Ying didn't know how she understood. She looked at the person who was coughing non-stop, took the medicine from the side and sat down beside the bed: "Yeah."
Ciying is very skilled in feeding medicine. She was the one who took care of the young lady when she was sick in the past.
After feeding him two mouthfuls, the young man turned over and vomited. Ci Ying's hands were covered with the medicine, which was still warm. Xie Huaijin bent over for a long time without getting up, and lowered his eyes in embarrassment.
Ci Ying patted his back gently, not knowing what to feel.
She seemed to have never seen Xie Huaijin in such a miserable state.
When it rains, will the moon in the night sky get wet? Xie Huaijin is like a waning moon corroded by rain.
Ci Ying looked at his bent back quietly, and the medicine in her hand flowed down silently.
The young man's hoarse voice came, very soft, like the petals in the flowerpot by the windowsill being blown by the wind.
"Ciying, let's go."
It was so soft that Ci Ying had to savor it twice before she could hear the words. She looked at him with complicated eyes and said nothing.
The young man's back was trembling like a butterfly with fluttering wings on a flower bud.
Ci Ying looked at the young man's hunched body and said softly, "Xie Huaijin, the young lady and the lady have both become a grave. I don't want you to become another grave."
She was rarely so frank. Perhaps it was because Xie Huaijin was too weak. The guard that had always stood between them was quietly lowered at some point. The room became silent for a moment. Xie Huaijin's voice was as light as the wind: "People will always turn into a grave."
Ci Ying stared at Xie Huaijin's stubbornness. She seemed like she should be angry, but she didn't seem angry at all.
Sometimes people are too lazy to care.
In the past, when she was powerless, Ci Ying didn't bother to care about it, because even if she did, it wouldn't do anything.
Xie Huaijin was dying and frail, but Ci Ying was too lazy to care about it because she didn't know what would happen if she cared about it. Should she curse Xie Huaijin viciously to die of illness tomorrow? When this thought came to Ci Ying's mind, the corners of her lips even curled up.
Xie Huaijin started vomiting again. He seemed to have been trying hard to hold it back just now, but now he really couldn't bear it anymore.
Then Ci Ying saw large pools of blood. Although Ci Ying guessed that it was serious, her mind went blank for a moment when she actually saw such a scene. She subconsciously supported Xie Huaijin.
Feeling Ci Ying's hand, Xie Huaijin's whole body stiffened.
Seeing that he hadn't vomited again, Ci Ying wiped his mouth with a handkerchief. The white handkerchief immediately became blood-red. Ci Ying could feel the stickiness of the blood even through the handkerchief. Her fingers trembled unconsciously for a moment, and she whispered, "Is it always like this?"
Xie Huaijin remained silent. He seemed to have lost the ability to speak and was unwilling to risk his illness in exchange for any more attention.
Ci Ying helped the man up, put the dirty handkerchief into the basin beside her, and took out a clean towel from it. When she turned her back to Xie Huaijin, her hands began to tremble uncontrollably. The sunlight shone in through the windowsill. It was obviously very hot, but Ci Ying felt a hint of coldness.
After wiping her hands, she turned around and looked at Xie Huaijin.
Countless questions flashed through her mind before she came, but seeing this person, all of them turned into silent silence. Ci Ying walked forward and whispered, "Is there anything you want to say to me?"
Xie Huaijin was silent for a long time and then said, "No."
Ci Ying half-dropped her eyes and asked softly, "Xie Huaijin, am I being soft-hearted again?"
This sentence made the young man's pale lips stiffen, and he took a long time to say: "I don't know."
It was from here that Ci Ying felt that Xie Huaijin had changed.
There was nothing Xie Huaijin didn't know before.
She didn't sit down, but just stood by the bed like she did at the beginning, looking at Xie Huaijin gently. She didn't even want to call his name anymore.
Fatigue slowly rose from my heart, but it was different from before.
Ci Ying asked Xie Huaijin softly, "Do you really want me to leave?"
Xie Huaijin lowered his eyes, but could no longer say what he had just said.
The strong smell of medicine rolled around Ci Ying's nose, making it difficult for her to breathe. She looked at the silent Xie Huaijin and thought of the past. In her memory, they were always like this, suppressed and silent.
Unable to breathe, Ciying prepared to leave.
The moment he turned around, the young man looked over.
She saw his eyes, but did not intend to stop. At least she could not stand in this room. The strong smell of medicine in her nose reminded her all the time that the person in front of her was in danger of death. Ci Ying could not bear it anymore. She had to at least open a window.
Xie Huaijin thought she was about to leave, his eyes trembled and his lips opened slightly, but his completely hoarse throat could not make any sound. When he realized this, Xie Huaijin slowly closed his mouth.
His lips were pale, and above them were a pair of silent eyes. Illness had made everything about him pale, except for his eyes, which still had the luster they once had.
But in the end, looking at Ci Ying's receding back, Xie Huaijin raised and lowered his fingers, and his eyes slowly drooped.
He actually didn't expect her to come to see him.
If he knew, he probably wouldn't be so embarrassed.
nor.
Maybe it will be even more embarrassing.
Xie Huaijin experienced a feeling that he would never experience in his life. For some reason, a smile spread across the corners of his lips, but it was a little bitter.
My eyes closed as the door opened.
Well, that's fine.
He still said this to himself, but there was a pain in his heart.
Suddenly, there were footsteps again, then the sound of a window opening, and then more footsteps.
A faint shadow fell over Xie Huaijin's face. Ci Ying stood beside Xie Huaijin's bed with a calm expression. It turned out that she had just opened the door and window to disperse the smell of medicine in the room. The first thing she said when she picked up the medicine bowl again was: "Xie Huaijin, I am more honest than you."
Xie Huaijin lowered his eyes and remained silent.
The girl handed the spoon to the young man's mouth. He lowered his head, supported his body against the bed frame, and took a long time to take a sip.
He still wanted to vomit, but Xie Huaijin held it back. After trying several times, he still couldn't help it and vomited all over Ciying again. His eyes trembled, like a child who had done something wrong, and he didn't dare to look at Ciying.
Ci Ying didn't care about these things, but she could see that Xie Huaijin did.
He always cares about some very strange things.
Ci Ying thought about it and fed the medicine to Xie Huaijin again. Anyone could see that Xie Huaijin was abnormal. Ci Ying asked softly, "Is it always like this?"
Xie Huaijin still didn't say anything, and the medicine he had finally swallowed was choked out again.
This time, the young man lowered his head for a long time, and it took him a while to say, "Ciying, get out."
He seemed a little too embarrassed.
Ci Ying stared at the young man's wrist, which had been accidentally turned out. The crisscrossing scars on it were imprinted in her eyes. She did not ask Xie Huaijin if it hurt, but just said, "There are a lot more now."
Xie Huaijin's body froze, and he finally looked up at Ci Ying.
Ci Ying still thought Xie Huaijin's eyes were very beautiful. Even though he was so weak, they were still very beautiful.
Obviously, he was completely different from when he was young, and completely different from the person she had imagined, but Ci Ying still felt that this was Xie Huaijin, and Xie Huaijin was Xie Huaijin.
The innocence that he had ridiculed was also worn away along the way.
Now it wasn't for any reason. She just thought that he would die, so she felt that she should come to see him again. There was actually nothing much to talk about between them, but she still came.
Ci Ying looked at the scar on Xie Huaijin's wrist and whispered, "I've always wanted to ask you why you committed suicide in prison."
She uttered these two words grimly, and in the face of death, death became less scary.
She didn't even expect an answer, because she knew very well that the person in front of her would not answer at all.
Sure enough, all she got was silence.
Ci Ying's voice became softer: "Xie Huaijin, you are always like this."
The same is true at the end of life.
Ci Ying took a step forward, half-knelt down, and stroked the scar on the young man's wrist with her fingers: "I have never asked you one thing, but you are dying, so I want to ask you."
The young man looked at Ci Ying who was very close to him. The scars on his wrists began to itch. He wanted to touch Ci Ying's head but he held his hand down.
The young man's slender, bony fingers, like his wrists and neck, were covered with needle marks, all bruised and purple. Because he was too thin, the blue veins bulged out hideously.
After a long while, Xie Huaijin said softly, "You say."
Ci Ying said softly, "One winter day, I went to the temple to participate in the sacrifice on behalf of the young lady. During the ceremony, the house collapsed under the weight of snow and I was trapped inside. You saved me."
Ci Ying paused and asked softly, "Did you recognize it was me?"
Ci Ying has always been curious about this matter, and even more curious about Xie Huaijin's answer.
Xie Huaijin was silent for a long time and said, "I don't know."
His voice was hoarse, and he had to speak slowly, word by word, without any emotion: "I thought it was Su Wei, but after rescuing her, I found out it wasn't her. As for who it was... it doesn't matter."
Ci Ying was not surprised, she just listened to Xie Huaijin continue speaking.
The young man, who always liked to calculate people's hearts, was unusually calm at this moment, with a silent expression: "After returning home, I reported this matter to my father."
The young lady was punished with house arrest for half a year, Ci Ying added for Xie Huaijin.
A stone in her heart suddenly felt relieved, and Ci Ying said softly, "I guess so."
She looked at Xie Huaijin, sometimes not understanding him. In the past, he always created a perfect mask in front of her, but now that his life was in danger, he started to smear his bad reputation on himself.
He told the master of the house that he had punished the young lady by confining her to her home, and it was clearly to allow the young lady to take good care of her health, but he made himself sound like a villain who had deliberately complained. He could have clearly lied to her and said that he knew it was her, but he didn't.
The young man said nothing more.
So Ci Ying said, "The snow was really heavy that year, Xie Huaijin, I have really liked you for many years."
Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin's hand so close to her, and remembered that many years ago, she compared him to the distant moon. She was not wrong. It took her a very long time to get to his side.
The real him.
Ci Ying didn't grab Xie Huaijin's hand in the end, just like she didn't try to grab the moon many years ago.
She just didn't want to regret it.
The door and window were opened, and the wind blew away the smell of medicine, but the room was still filled with a strong smell. Ci Ying stood up and said softly, "Xie Huaijin, live on. Even if it means that I can hate you occasionally, live on."
A silent silence spread between the two of them.
Ci Ying looked at him. He had hardly raised his eyes today. Perhaps it was because a lot of things had happened recently. Ci Ying was no longer trapped by some emotions, but could see everything more clearly.
She looked at his trembling hands and then at his lowered head.
She realized he was afraid.
Ci Ying didn't know what Xie Huaijin, who always got what he wanted, was afraid of.
But she knew that this was the only way.
She had no way to use some empty promises to arouse Xie Huaijin's so-called will to live. If he really wanted to die, she would let him do it.
No one should live for another person.
She took one last look at the scar on the young man's wrist and said softly, "Xie Huaijin, I'm leaving now. You should take care of your illness."
He still didn't say anything, so Ciying prepared to leave.
When she came, she actually hadn't figured out what she was going to do. After she arrived, she found that she couldn't seem to help at all. She turned around and felt that the sun outside was very dazzling, so big and so strong, as if there were countless summers in the future.
She felt Xie Huaijin looking at him from behind, but she didn't plan to look back.
She lowered her eyes, stood up to leave, and a pair of cold hands behind her gently clasped her wrists.
Without turning around, she could feel the young man's long, thin hand bones encircling her wrist, the coolness against her wrist, dissipating some of the heat in the room.
She didn't leave, but she didn't respond either.
The young man opened his mouth several times before he said, "You stay here, I'll take good care of myself."
Ci Ying thought this was childish. She turned around and looked him in the eye and retorted, "Your body is your own. If I hadn't stayed, you wouldn't have taken good care of yourself. It's you who didn't take care of yourself."
Having said this, she did not leave.
Xie Huaijin loosened his grip on Ci Ying's hand slightly and said softly, "I'm sick. I'm a patient."
Ci Ying had never seen such a shameless person in her life. She whispered, "You just said you wouldn't threaten me with your illness."
"...I regret it." The young man's voice became softer.
Ci Ying looked at him for a long time. She had looked at him like this many times in her memory, but never like this. When they looked at each other, it was Xie Huaijin who looked away first. Ci Ying said softly, "I've been very busy lately. I have a lot of things to do. I can't always be by your side."
"No need." Xie Huaijin said, "I'm not awake much in a day."
Ci Ying said, "Then we might not meet."
Xie Huaijin's eyes were stunned for a moment: "That doesn't matter."
Ci Ying looked at his hand that was clasping her wrist and gently pushed it away. Xie Huaijin didn't argue and just said softly, "If it's not convenient, forget it."
Ciying didn't say anything, she just looked at him.
She was actually asking herself the same question.
I hope this person survives, even without any regard for love.
Of course, she didn't think she could keep Xie Huaijin alive by herself. He was so seriously ill that he might not recover even with proper treatment. It would be even more difficult for him to recover if he abused his body like this.
Fate was writing the ending ahead, and Ci Ying felt that she was just a small part of it.
She couldn't explain why she came today, but she knew at this moment that it would be difficult for her to leave.
Whatever the reason, she came.
A long time ago, the lady told her to listen to her heart.
Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin and asked herself, what is her inner choice?
Xie Huaijin saw Ci Ying's hesitation, but he didn't say anything. He just looked at Ci Ying. Before Ci Ying came today, Xie Huaijin always felt that he could die like this.
But it seems not.
The moment he opened his eyes and saw Ci Ying's figure, he felt it was just a dream.
His vision was a little blurry when he first woke up. He didn't blink, and Ci Ying's figure became clearer and clearer. The candlelight in the room was dim, and the light coming in from outside the door vaguely outlined Ci Ying's shadow.
The light was too dim, so the shadows were also very dim.
After blinking uncontrollably, Xie Huaijin discovered that Ci Ying was still there, and he began to panic.
The panic and reluctance in his heart wrapped around him like a vine, and the sharp thorns on it penetrated into his neck, making his throat hoarse and difficult to speak.
As Ciying spoke, he looked at her lips and then her eyes.
He didn't know how to face Ciying's question, so he remained silent.
The truth was not harsh, and it even sounded nice, but he could not say it, not a single word. He was silent about his attachment, silently suppressing his desires.
For the first time, he thought Ciying had left, and for some reason he even felt like laughing.
But before he could laugh silently, he saw Ciying coming back.
Xie Huaijin always thought that he could control himself. Death was nothing more than a dark moment. But in the end, he found that it was just like that in front of Ci Ying. Even without Ci Ying saying goodbye, he couldn't help but hold Ci Ying's hand.
People always have the instinct to move towards light. At this time, Xie Huaijin looked at Ciying, and the dim room was filled with light because of Ciying's arrival.
Behind Ciying is an open door and scorching sunshine.
【Author’s words】
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