I saved my life on the battlefield.

The wind in the border town was particularly strong that year. I sat on the top of the mountain, watching the golden sand changing patterns under the strong wind, and finally rolling up a vast sand mist, slowly moving towards the sky. Suddenly, a black cloud rose from the distance and swallowed up the sand mist in an instant. Then there was the deafening sound of horse hooves. I heard someone shouting at the foot of the mountain: "The South Vietnamese are coming! Run!"

Then the surroundings started to become chaotic. I ran home from the mountain in panic, followed my parents and the whole village to run out. But the tall and fierce South Vietnamese soon broke into the city. They rode on their horses and kept shouting in words that I couldn't understand. They almost chopped down anyone they saw and burned any house they saw. My father held me in his arms and ran to the city gate, stepping on the corpses on the ground, but we were still caught up by a South Vietnamese. He swung his sword and chopped at us, and my father, who was as tough as a mountain, fell down so softly. Before he died, he pressed me under him tightly, and then my mother fell on him. Blood splattered from their bodies, dyeing the sky and the earth a bloody red. I hid under my father's body and kept trembling. I forgot to breathe, forgot to think, and forgot to escape.

Finally, a South Vietnamese soldier found me. He lifted up my father's body with the tip of his gun, and then stepped on my head with his leather boots with a ferocious look. I closed my eyes and waited for the final moment to come, but the step never came. I raised my head and saw the South Vietnamese man screaming and falling backwards. Then, a general in a white robe walked towards me against the light. I couldn't see his face clearly, but at that moment he took my fear away.

He squatted down and said to me, "Don't be afraid." Then he grabbed me and threw me on his horse's back, and rode out while being chased by countless South Vietnamese people. I was shaken by the horse and felt like vomiting. In the chaos, I could only see a marshal's flag with the word "Xiao" written on it fluttering in the wind in the yellow sand raised by the horse's hooves.

Later I learned that the team was called "Xiao Family Army", a cavalry under the command of Xiao Yunjing, the Marquis of Xuanyuan, who had been victorious in many battles. After the catastrophe, the villagers told me how brave and good at fighting the Xiao Family Army was, and they all praised it. Even the children in the village took up branches to compare, longing to join the Xiao Family Army one day, kill the enemy for the country, and avenge their relatives.

But at that time, I chose another path for myself. I began to study hard day and night. My teacher once said that I was talented and would definitely achieve something in the future. The more I read, the more I understood that the Xiao family army needed not only soldiers to fight in the battlefield, but also a pair of smart eyes and ears to run around and plan for them in the court and clear the way forward.

Later, my second uncle, who had no children, asked me to stay at his house, saying that he would pass on all his land to me, but I refused. I left Jingnan, the place that once held all my memories, despite the confusion of all my relatives. On the day I left, I sat on the top of the mountain for the last time, watching the vast yellow sand and the eagles flying, and then walked down the mountain and embarked on a destined path.

This time of leaving allowed me to see a bigger world. It turns out that the beauty of this world is not only the vast Gobi Desert, but also the green willows and flying flowers, not only the solitary smoke in the desert, but also the long spring grass in the south of the Yangtze River... In those years, I suffered a lot, but I also met many people and understood many things. It was not until I came to the capital at the age of seventeen that I met an old gentleman. I hit it off with him at first sight, and often sat and debated with him until dawn. Later, I learned that he was Mr. Liu Wendao, a great scholar of the time.

Mr. Liu admired my talent and knowledge, and seeing that I was living in poverty, he invited me to teach with him at the Imperial College in the Zuo Xiangfu. It was there that I met Wanwan for the first time.

She was just thirteen at the time, sitting in a room full of glamorous young ladies from aristocratic families, she looked inconspicuous. Perhaps because she had been hiding indoors for many years, her face was a little pale, but when exposed to the gaze of outsiders, a faint blush would appear. I suddenly remembered a kind of flower growing on the rock wall in my hometown, pure white with a hint of red, blooming silently in a deserted place.

She hid in the crowd and looked at me secretly, her eyes clear and bright. So I smiled at her across the noisy room. She seemed stunned for a moment, and then, like a frightened rabbit, she lowered her head with a red face and dared not look at me again.

After that, I had no more contact with her, but every time I taught, I would occasionally meet her serious and inquiring eyes. At that time, I was preparing for the imperial examination two years later. The expenses in the capital were higher than elsewhere, so although I had more income from the school, my life was still tight. I only wore an ordinary cotton robe when I went to teach every day. The young men and women in the prime minister's mansion were used to seeing bright clothes and had long learned to respect people with their clothes. When they saw me wearing that long-washed robe to teach every time, they began to speak with a lot of contempt and ridicule. One day, the youngest Master Yan secretly embedded a steel needle into the desk where I was giving lectures. I didn't notice and my cuffs were torn. The group of young masters made faces and yelled, "Young Master, your only robe is torn. What are you going to wear to give lectures next time?" Then they ran away laughing.

At that time, I didn't feel ugly or embarrassed. After all, it was just a job to make a living. Let these arrogant young men make trouble. But this robe is indeed the only dress I can wear that is presentable. If I make another one, I will spend a lot of money. At this time, I heard movement around me again, and then a very small voice timidly said: "This... I will compensate you for them."

I turned my head and saw Wanwan standing beside me. The scattered sunlight was sprinkled on her face, reflecting the sparkling light in her eyes. That was the first sentence she said to me, and it seemed that she had used up all her courage. Her cheeks were red, and her small chest was heaving violently, but she still raised her hands firmly and spread the silver in her palms in front of me. So I smiled and shook my head, saying, "Thank you, Miss Fifth, but my robe is not worth so much silver."

Wanwan's eyes flashed with confusion, but she still handed the silver to me stubbornly and said, "It doesn't matter anyway, silver... and clothes."

I was somewhat surprised that a young lady from the right prime minister's family would say such a thing, but I also found it very interesting, so I asked, "What does the Fifth Young Lady think is important?"

Her face turned even redder, and she lowered her head and said in an almost inaudible voice: "I like listening to the young master's class. The rest... is not important."

Later I learned that she was afraid that I would leave her because of this incident, so she ran back and gave me all her savings, regardless of whether the money was enough to buy many robes like mine. This is Wanwan. No matter where she grew up, she could live cleanly and clearly in her own way.

From then on, she was no longer afraid of me as before, and occasionally she would summon up the courage to ask me some questions about books that she didn't understand after school. As spring passed and autumn came, my relationship with her became more and more familiar. She was no longer the timid and shy lady in front of me, but became cheerful and playful. She would pester me to tell many strange stories she encountered during her travels, and asked me to find books on detective and autopsy for her. When it was hot and she felt lazy, she would naturally let me do the copying assigned by Mr. Liu, and she would hide aside and doze off. Sometimes, she would secretly put the rare snacks distributed by the mansion into my sleeves when no one was paying attention, and I would also find some street food that she couldn't eat normally in the market, and share it with her after school.

At that time, I thought those things were just normal, but many years later, I found that they were the only things I couldn't bear to give up. So I hid them in the long river of time and recalled them again and again, carefully describing every memory that was about to fade away. Those were all the traces that you had ever existed.

A year later, the day of the imperial examination was getting closer and closer. Mr. Liu introduced me to many nobles who might be able to help me. I also realized that the path I wanted to take could not be achieved by studying hard, so I patiently socialized with them. I was too busy to come to the Imperial College to teach. Five days later, when I returned to the Imperial College again, I saw Wanwan at a glance. She was sitting by the window, holding her cheek and looking out in a daze. She soon saw me, and then showed an unbelievable expression. Her eyes suddenly turned red, and she hurriedly lowered her head to hide the expression on her face. I thought I saw it wrong, until I walked up to her and found that she was really crying.

I felt guilty and uneasy. I finished the lesson patiently. Just when I wanted to ask her, she ran out. I searched for her for a long time before I found her behind a rockery. She lowered her head and kept wiping her tears. I quickly walked over to ask her what happened.

She raised her red and swollen eyes, stared at me and said tremblingly: "I thought the young master would never come back."

Later I found out that I hadn't been back to school for five days, and she thought I had just left and would never come back. But she didn't dare to ask anyone, nor did she dare to let others see that she was sad. She just sat by the window every day waiting for me, until all her hopes were gradually drowned by despair.

I found her silliness funny, but also felt sad. In her world, I was her only friend and the only person she could trust. At this time, Wanwan sniffed and asked cautiously, "Little Master, can you please not leave?"

I looked at her red nose from crying and her eyes filled with expectation. At that moment, I wanted to tell her a lot of truths, telling her that I was just her teacher and that she would sooner or later get married and that we would be separated one day. But at that moment, I couldn't say anything. I just gently brushed the wet hair from her eyes and said with a smile, "Don't worry, the little teacher will never leave again."

But no matter how reluctant we were, the day of separation would always come. As the day of the imperial examination was getting closer, the prime minister's residence invited a troupe to perform. Wanwan asked me to accompany her to watch the performance. She was not allowed to attend such an occasion, so I took her to the backstage of the theater secretly, climbed up a low wall, and then pulled her to sit next to me.

We sat side by side on the low wall, watching the dancing sleeves and the singing on the stage. Wanwan cheered excitedly, and she secretly brought out some preserved candies from the room, sometimes throwing a few into her mouth, sometimes stuffing them into my hand, and once she was so fascinated by the show that she stuffed them directly into my mouth. They were green plums pickled in sugar water, sweet and a little sour.

The last play performed that day was The Peony Pavilion. I had heard those passages many times before, but for some reason, they struck me so hard this time. A gentle voice asked, "What is the song on the stage, young master?"

At that time, the singer was singing on the stage: "Outside the carved railings, red and green are in harmony. They make bees worry and butterflies love each other. The fate on the stone of three lives is not due to dreams. One pillow with Hua Xu, two sudden changes." In the season of flying catkins, the snow-white flying catkins fell on her black hair. I looked at her eyes like water, and my heart suddenly swelled and hurt, but I didn't know how to fill it. She was still so young, how could he explain to her the dreams of life and death between young ladies and scholars, just like the flying catkins in front of him, which looked beautiful and moving, but would make people itchy if they fell on their bodies, just to add some troubles. So I stopped looking at her and said stiffly: "Wanwan, I'm leaving tomorrow."

Wanwan's eyes widened suddenly, and the candied fruit in her hand fell to the ground. The red candied fruit was immediately covered with gray and white dust. From then on, I never watched the Peony Pavilion again.

After leaving the Xiangfu, I realized that no matter how many poems and books I read or how busy I was with social activities, they could not fill my heart for a moment. I knew I was thinking about her. Every time I opened a book, I seemed to see her sitting in front of me, holding her chin and asking me, "Little Master, what does this sentence mean?" So I began to write many notes on the book and mailed them to her one by one, as if I could still talk to her. Finally, before she came of age, I mustered up the courage to write down what I had always wanted to say to her in "Peach Blossom Fan". I remember that it rained heavily on the day of her coming of age. I stood outside the Xiangfu for a long time, but I didn't wait for her. Later, I successfully passed the joint examination and the palace examination and was introduced to the Hanlin Academy. When I saw her again, she was already the new wife of the Marquis's Mansion.

I found Marquis Xuanyuan and told him that I would do my best to help him and Xiao's army out of trouble. This was the moment I had been waiting for since I was a child. But I didn't expect Wanwan to be married to Xiao Du. Maybe it was destined that I would be tied to her in my life: I watched her grow from helpless to strong, from a weak daisy to a towering tree. She was no longer the little girl who cried and begged me not to leave. Her world was getting bigger and bigger. It was good that way. When I left again, you wouldn't be so sad.

Now, I am back on the battlefield again, with chaotic horse hoofbeats and shouts ringing in my ears, and the air is filled with a strong smell of blood. I hugged Xiao Zhuzi tightly, looking at that little face full of fear and tenderness, as if I saw myself helpless on the Jingnan battlefield. So I bit my finger and wrote the names of all the soldiers I remembered on his shirt. The shouts in my ears were getting closer and closer, and the black cavalry began to stab everywhere frantically, not letting any survivors go. I hid Zhuzi in the haystack and said to him, "Don't worry, uncle said that he would let you go back safely, you just hide here, no matter what happens, don't come out."

Zhuzi's face was full of tears, and he held me tightly to prevent me from leaving. I smiled at him, touched his head, and then ran outside with all my strength, throwing everything I could at the black knights. The cold blade pierced my body, and I fell on my back, looking at the endless blue sky and floating clouds. I seemed to see Wanwan's face again: smiling, crying, sleeping quietly on the table, and then everything sank into the endless darkness. I felt very tired and slowly closed my eyes: that child, is he safe now?

In the darkness, I seemed to go back to that afternoon when we were having fun in the gentle breeze. Wanwan tilted her head and said to me, "Little teacher, please give me a nickname." I named you Wanwan, but I never dared to tell you the poem that inspired your name.

My beloved, my new home is next door. I can come to visit you by sending you a message, but I can only use it to express my sorrow.