Chapter 132 Then it's not worth it for anyone to forget anyone, for anyone to forget anyone, for anyone...
The noisy atmosphere of the internet cafe, filled with the smells of smoke, instant noodles, and all sorts of other odors, made Li Leshan's head spin and made him feel a little breathless. He gripped his phone tightly, feeling as if everything was going to go black.
What kind of situation is this?
What do you mean by "don't do this"?
Li Leshan couldn't say anything. When Jiang Yueming asked him, he had no way to answer. He only knew not to do that.
A sharp pain shot through his head. Li Leshan closed his eyes. Did he want to be so far away from Jiang Yueming? Did he really want this? He didn't want to either. So many nights since they parted, he'd spent staring blankly at that photo of them together on his phone… Did he not know that Jiang Yueming wanted to be closer to him? But he couldn't do it, even if Jiang Yueming wanted to. But precisely because Jiang Yueming wanted to, he couldn't do it.
Those involved are often confused, while bystanders see things clearly. Li Leshan needs to make him understand what he's doing and what he's doing. Life allows for many moments of recklessness, but some things cannot be accomplished through recklessness. However, there are also many things in life that, once started, cannot be undone.
He hesitated for a long time before slowly typing out a few words: If it's for me, then it's not worth it.
The name field kept showing "typing...", and Li Leshan thought he would send a long message, discussing this and that, and so on. But he didn't; all he received was a short line.
Jiang Yueming: You always say this isn't worth it, that isn't worth it, but as long as it's for you, it's worth it.
Li Leshan didn't need to tell him that it wasn't worth it; he knew what it meant, but he didn't care. Education, prospects, future… a piece of paper, something intangible. He couldn't let these things limit his present.
Li Leshan frowned as he looked at the words on the screen. He couldn't understand, or rather, he didn't know why Jiang Yueming was so persistent. If it was because of what he had said back then, "I'm going to Beijing, will you come with me?", then could he just pretend he had never said no?
“Are you stupid?” Li Leshan texted.
“I’m stupid,” Jiang Yueming admitted. Rather than waiting for others to criticize him, he decided to admit it first. “I’m stupid. I’m not like you. You’re so smart. You’re smart enough to consider everything, but you didn’t consider me.”
Li Leshan's heart clenched. He looked at the message Jiang Yueming sent over and over in shock. Every word felt like a needle piercing his heart, causing him unbearable pain.
What does it mean to say "I am different from you"?
What does it mean to say, "You considered everything, but not me?"
He didn't understand, he couldn't comprehend it. The image of him flipping through college application forms until the early hours of the morning was still vivid in his mind. He went online one by one to check out this school, that school, what the environment was like, what the dormitories were like, what the location was like… He selected and selected again, filtered and filtered again, the forms filled with densely packed plans for Jiang Yueming's future.
He did everything he could, but now Jiang Yueming says he didn't consider him.
To what extent does he need to consider this? To what degree? Does he mean he hasn't considered it at all? In Jiang Yueming's eyes, does he really think he hasn't considered it at all? Then... then what else does he need?
To put it bluntly, no matter how much he considered it, he couldn't have come to this point, couldn't have considered what Jiang Yueming wanted. Because he wouldn't gamble with Jiang Yueming's future. But Jiang Yueming didn't care; she didn't care about her future, didn't care about her life, she didn't care about any of it!
That's true. Li Leshan took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down, and thought to himself, "That's true too."
He and Jiang Yueming were indeed different. He genuinely couldn't understand Jiang Yueming's thoughts. Because ultimately, they weren't on the same path; he hadn't experienced what Jiang Yueming had gone through. He hadn't personally experienced what Jiang Yueming had suffered. Therefore, Jiang Yueming couldn't understand how important taking exams and going to university was.
Li Leshan had worked so hard to forge this path, so hard to earn this opportunity, this one and only thing he considered his lifeline, something he desperately wanted to hold onto. But it turned out that there really were people who didn't care about any of this, that there really were people who didn't take it seriously at all.
But he cares.
He cares!
Li Leshan's eyes reddened. He asked himself honestly, and he had no regrets.
"Haven't I considered it enough?" Li Leshan typed these words with trembling hands.
"And what about you? Have you considered anyone?" he countered.
“I’ve considered you!” Jiang Yueming replied without hesitation.
"But I don't need you to consider it!" Li Leshan regretted that he couldn't say everything he wanted to say; he still had so much more to say. "I don't need you to consider it, do you understand?"
"Why are you considering me?" Li Leshan asked from the bottom of his heart. Did Jiang Yueming think he was someone who needed to be considered all the time?
Why?
He could guess why: because he was afraid that he wouldn't adapt to being alone in Beijing, a foreign land; because he was mute; because he was afraid that he would try to kill himself like before...
But there's no need for any of that! He'll learn to adapt if he can't. After all, he's homeless, and nowhere is his home. He's been forced to adapt to all sorts of environments his whole life. If he can't speak, he'll use sign language; if no one can understand him, he'll type or write. And he won't try to kill himself anymore.
He stared at the frozen chat window and continued typing: "Have you thought about yourself? Have you thought about your aunt?"
Jiang Yueming couldn't very well say he couldn't consider all of this, that he was preoccupied with many things and couldn't think of anything else. But these were all things he had to consider, all of them were things Jiang Yueming had to think about. Whether Jiang Yueming wanted to or not, even if he had to force himself, he had to consider them.
Ultimately, life isn't just about oneself; it's about many people. If life were solely one's own, wouldn't that be a bit too carefree? But can an ordinary person truly live such a carefree life? In the end, when you look closely, there are just too many things to consider. So many that you don't know where to begin, or when it will end.
There was no further news of Jiang Yueming from that side.
Li Leshan guessed that he had considered it, but only for his aunt, not for himself. That's just how Jiang Yueming is; he always puts himself last. If he remembers, that's fine; if he doesn't, he'll forever forget about himself.
"Think it over carefully," Li Leshan sent his last message.
The nights in the south are much more humid and hot than in Shengping. Compared to that small northern town, the temperature here is considerably higher. The air is sticky and humid, and a small fan overhead spins back and forth, creaking, but it hardly blows on anyone.
Jiang Yueming gripped his phone tightly, his head bowed. He looked at the message Li Leshan had sent, water dripping down his cheeks onto the ground—it was hard to tell if it was tears from the corner of his eye or sweat from his forehead.
Why is life always like this?
Jiang Yueming felt as if his internal organs were tangled together, and he was in excruciating pain. Even breathing was painful, and his mind was completely blank.
Why is life always like this? Every time he sees a glimmer of hope, it's immediately dashed, as if it's deliberately working against him. He doesn't want anything, he doesn't ask for anything. He just wants to be closer to Li Leshan because he's afraid. He's afraid he won't adapt there, afraid someone will bully him, afraid he won't say anything and will bear everything alone if anything happens. He still has things to fear…
Four years, four years apart... Who knows who might forget whom, who might not remember whom, who might abandon whom? These things are unpredictable. Who can foresee what will happen four years from now? Who can give him a precise answer: what will happen in four years? What will it become?
The times are advancing rapidly, surging forward. The development of these past few years has made him somewhat forget what things were like before, as if he had been in a long dream. He is afraid that when he wakes up, he will have lost everything. The torrent of the times is sweeping everyone away, and in the end, things and people will not be the same. In such a situation, what should he do?
Jiang Yueming covered his face, trying hard to suppress the sobs that were about to escape his lips. He had finally endured a period of hardship, and was filled with joy as he looked forward to liberation, only to step into another abyss.
Living a lifetime is so difficult and exhausting. You have to consider this, take care of that, choose one thing while giving up another. How can he choose? Does he even have a choice?
What should he do? Jiang Yueming couldn't stop the tears from flowing. He looked up at the sky, not understanding why life was always like this, with too many costs and losses, tormenting people as if they had died several times over.
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