Chapter 166: Where exactly did things go wrong? "In your next life, will you still be..."
Xiao Bai was buried under the big locust tree at the entrance of the third alley, but Jiang Yueming dared not visit it. When she first heard the news from Han Jiang, her heart ached as if she were dying. The heavy burden of failing the re-examination was about to crush Jiang Yueming, and Xiao Bai's departure was the final straw.
Because he felt guilty towards Xiaobai, Jiang Yueming also felt guilty towards Han Jiang. Over the years, just thinking about it made him want to cry. He always remembered Xiaobai's lively and energetic appearance; those days were the most precious childhood memories he had. So he could only try his best not to think about it. When he thought of Xiaobai, he would immediately think of Han Jiang, and then he would think that Han Jiang, after going around in circles, would eventually return to Li Leshan.
The more afraid or concerned you are, the more you will try to escape.
He never dared to look, nor dared to come back. Perhaps part of the reason was that he couldn't accept the fact that Xiaobai was gone. Sometimes he would think, even if it just liked to run around and play, it would be fine if it went somewhere else; even if it would never come back, it would be fine if it was still alive; he couldn't accept it, but the fact was the fact.
He had been running away for too long; this time, he could no longer run away, no matter what.
It was late at night, and there were hardly any people left at the entrance of the third alley. Jiang Yueming squatted on the ground and finished the last bottle of wine. Finally, she mustered up the courage to go downstairs, trying to alleviate some of the pain in this way. After all, wasn't the pain of being awake really too much?
It was summer in Shengping, and the trees were lush and verdant everywhere. In particular, there was the old locust tree at the entrance of the alley, which had been there as long as Jiang Yueming could remember, growing for more than 20 years, and was a landmark of the Third Alley.
Over the years, people have come and gone, and Quanshengping has changed everywhere. Bridges have been demolished; roads have been repaired again and again; old supermarkets have closed down and new markets have been built; even the Iron Pagoda Park has added a lot of new things. Only this place seems to have remained unchanged for decades.
It stands here quietly, in Jiang Yueming's memories.
Jiang Yueming stood in front of the locust tree, the effects of the alcohol making his head spin. He stood there blankly, gazing at the tree for a long time, before finally seeming to realize something and slowly squatting down.
For some reason, through the thick layer of soil, he seemed to be able to see Little White, wagging its tail at him across the river of time.
Little White, so obedient, so sensible, so smart, was the best-behaved dog he had ever seen. He would always snuggle quietly in front of you, without barking or making a fuss, looking at you with his big, watery eyes, as if he could read all your thoughts.
Jiang Yueming pressed his hand to the ground, his trembling palm touching the cold mud, and he actually tried to find a trace of warmth in it.
The next second, tears fell into the soil without warning, and Jiang Yueming's shoulders trembled violently. He was clearly touching the cold earth, but it felt as if he was caressing Xiaobai's soft and warm skin.
"Little... Little White..." Jiang Yueming called its name softly, just as he used to call it before, only this time the little dog wouldn't wag its tail and run towards him. "I've come back to see you, I... I'm finally back. You're mad at me, aren't you? Mad at me for not coming back to see you, mad at me for not spending more time with you. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... I..."
He couldn't say anything more, and could only touch the muddy ground with his hands again and again, just like he was touching Little White again and again, choking back tears, "Are you doing well over there? Did you reincarnate well? Are you living a good life? Are you eating well and sleeping well? In the next life, will you still be our little dog..."
Jiang Yueming knelt on the ground, calling out "Xiaobai" repeatedly. All the past memories flashed through his mind like a revolving lantern. There were so many memories in there, including Xiaobai, Han Jiang, and... Li, Li Leshan. They used to be so close to him, but now they were all getting further and further away from him.
"Don't blame me, don't not come to see me. I didn't... I had no choice." Jiang Yueming's tears flowed uncontrollably. He really didn't want things to be like this, he really didn't want to be so pathetic. He was a grown man, not a child anymore. Perhaps it was because no one was around that he could cry so freely, no one knew. "There are some things, I don't know what to do. I..."
It hurts, it hurts so much, it really hurts.
My head hurts, my eyes hurt, and my heart aches too.
Jiang Yueming pressed her forehead to the ground, hot tears dripping into the soil, sinking deep and slowly merging with the earth. "Should I have come back? Should I have come back in the first place? But what should I say? What should I do? Xiaobai, I feel like I've done so many wrong things, I feel like I've taken so many wrong paths..."
It was unclear how much time had passed before Jiang Yueming's sobs gradually subsided. This belated pain was more intense than ever before. He remained hunched over, refusing to lift his forehead.
In a daze, Jiang Yueming felt his wrist being pulled. He instinctively pulled away, wondering who else might come at this time. He turned around and unexpectedly met Li Leshan's gaze.
Jiang Yueming's eyes widened. He instinctively tried to cover himself with his hands, but Li Leshan grabbed his wrists and pulled them forward. His fingers and palms were covered in dust, and Li Leshan gently brushed the dust off. In this disheveled state, Jiang Yueming wanted to escape but had nowhere to run.
Perhaps he was hallucinating, perhaps he was dreaming, perhaps Li Leshan wasn't even in front of him. Jiang Yueming stared in astonishment at his worried eyes, her throat tightening, her eyes welling up with tears again. At this moment, she had no time to consider whether the scene before her was real; she couldn't care less about anything else. She would just pretend it was a dream, because she was in too much pain.
"Le, Lele..." Jiang Yueming felt a sharp pain in his heart, as if his heart had been shattered into pieces. He pressed on Li Leshan's shoulder, and all the emotions that he had suppressed over the years could no longer be contained and poured out.
“That scumbag is finally dead. You’re finally free from being bullied anymore.” Jiang Yueming’s forehead rested on Li Leshan’s shoulder, the dirt from his forehead staining Li Leshan’s shoulder and leaving a mark.
God knows how much he truly hated Li Yong. He hated everything he did, he hated that he almost ruined such a good person, he hated why he never let Li Leshan go... Even when he went to the temple, he would pray to the gods and Buddhas, begging God to open his eyes and take him away quickly. This wish was more sincere than any other prayer he made.
Even though his mind was a little foggy, Jiang Yueming subconsciously rubbed his palms on his trouser leg to clean the marks before he dared to touch Li Leshan's cheek with trembling hands. Everything felt so unreal. Maybe it was all a dream, otherwise how could he be so close to Li Leshan? "Lele, I don't blame you."
Tears streamed down Jiang Yueming's cheeks. "I really don't blame you."
He gently touched Li Leshan's face, looking at his eyebrows and eyes, which were also red, and asked from the bottom of his heart, "Why...why did you come back to Shengping? Why didn't you stay in Beijing? Why did you come back to this place...?"
“You’ve suffered so much for so many years; you’ve worked so hard, waking up before dawn every day and not going to sleep until two or three in the morning, your fingers are deformed from writing so many problems…” Jiang Yueming choked up, his throat hurting terribly. He reached out and took Li Leshan’s hand, touching the joints of his right hand that were deformed from writing problems for so long, and tears dripped onto his hand.
"Have you... have you forgotten everything? You went through so much trouble to get there, you endured so much suffering but never gave up, have you forgotten everything?" Jiang Yueming held his hand tightly, and the past memories resurfaced before his eyes. He had told himself countless times that he really had to forget, that some things really had to be forgotten, but he couldn't forget. "But I still remember, I haven't forgotten. I remember everything for you... I haven't forgotten anything."
"Lele, are you stupid? You graduated from such a good school, why are you going back to Shengping? I... I'm holding you back again, aren't I?"
It was the same before, and it is the same now, because he has no way to clear the way for Li Leshan, so he is really afraid of blocking Li Leshan's way.
Tears streamed down Li Leshan's face. His throat tightened, and he shook his head frantically, at a loss for words. It took him a long time to manage a complete sentence, "Don't say these things, don't say it's a delay. I'm sorry, I... I've dragged you down, I've hurt you..."
"Don't say that, how can we talk about who is dragging whom down... I just, I," Jiang Yueming took a deep breath, pressed his hand against Li Leshan's chest, and listened to his violent heartbeat. Heaven knows how shocked he was when he saw Li Leshan at Lijiang Bridge, because he never expected that Li Leshan would return to Shengping.
Fate played a cruel joke on them. Jiang Yueming thought he wouldn't come back, and she never expected him to. Yet, they met again in this very place. Was this some kind of destiny? But if destiny is predetermined and cannot be changed, why did their journey be so arduous? In this life, we are truly toyed with by fate.
"Where have you been all these years?" Li Leshan cried, his fingertips trembling. "Why isn't your name on Nanjing University of Technology? Why can't I find you anywhere..."
Why can't I hear from you anywhere? Why can't I contact you anywhere? Why did you go to this extent? Why... why?
He stared intently at Jiang Yueming's face, at the tear tracks on his eyes and cheeks. He wanted to know the answer more than anything else. He had tossed and turned all these years, thinking about it day and night. What was it? What was blocking their way?
“I,” Jiang Yueming’s voice was hoarse. He opened his mouth and finally managed to say, “I repeated my studies…”
?
What?
Li Leshan felt a sudden emptiness in his heart. He gripped Jiang Yueming's shoulder with astonishing force, his eyes filled with confusion and disbelief. He even wondered if he had misheard. What had Jiang Yueming just said?
cover……
Repeat?
“I repeated the exam,” Jiang Yueming told the whole story. “Back then, I was just three points short of the cutoff score for that school in Beijing. I could have gotten one more multiple choice right, or even just written out two formulas correctly, but I couldn’t get in. I was not willing to accept that.”
“Everyone advised me to leave, seven or eight teachers tried to persuade me, including you, but I didn’t leave. I felt that I could pass the exam. But in the second year of repeating the year, I didn’t do well…” Jiang Yueming spoke with some difficulty. His throat tightened as he revealed this long-hidden scar, “I really, really tried my best. In the winter, I would study and do exercises in the hallway. Things like angular velocity, linear velocity, small sliders, kinetic energy conversion, just thinking about it makes me want to cry.”
“You always said you wanted to come to the South to see me. It’s not that I didn’t want to, how could I not want to see you? It’s just that I didn’t dare… I didn’t dare to see you, afraid that you would find out I was repeating a year of high school. I kept it from you for so long that even I couldn’t bear it. During the Lunar New Year period, I fell down the stairs and could only use crutches to go up and down five flights of stairs. Every day, every time I climbed the stairs, I was thinking, I was asking myself, do I really have to take the exam?”
"It would be alright after the college entrance exam, just a little longer, and then I'd get my acceptance letter. Thinking of all that, thinking of you, all the suffering I endured before, I could bear it all… But the second year, I didn't do well…" Jiang Yueming couldn't finish his sentence. Every word, every recollection of the past, felt like reopening old wounds, painful and pathetic. "I swore I would do better, I swore I would live up to your expectations, but I let my aunt down, and I have no face to see you. I just… I just wanted to go to Beijing with you, I just… I almost got accepted…"
Many images flashed through Jiang Yueming's mind, and all sorts of scenes appeared before his eyes. Thinking back on those days, he simply didn't know how he got through them. The physical, psychological, and mental pressure made him feel like he was about to collapse at any moment, and in the end, he did indeed break down.
Li Leshan listened in a daze, still unable to believe it. Over the years, he had considered many reasons, but he had never thought of this one. Thinking carefully, and recalling the past two years, especially the two years he and Jiang Yueming were in a long-distance relationship, it seemed that something was indeed different. He never let himself go to the south, and he always looked tired when they video chatted...
Wait for me a little longer, wait for me a little longer... Li Leshan suddenly realized why he could never understand what Jiang Yueming was saying, why he always said to wait, who he was waiting for, and what he was waiting for. Now he understood, but was it too late for him to understand?
Li Leshan felt a metallic taste of blood in his throat and his heart ached unbearably. At this moment, he finally understood everything, but was it all too late?
Why does fate have to torment them like this? Why do they have to suffer like this?
Which step went wrong?
Was he wrong to let Jiang Yueming stay in the south to study at university?
Was it wrong from the very beginning?
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