Chapter 136 Forgive me, but don't hurt yourself again.
The lights are bright on the nine streets, but the moon is pale on the thousand gates.
Half an hour before the appointed time, Xie Qingyu had already arrived. Although she was sitting in a sandalwood chair in the private room, she seemed to be sitting on a nail chair, her posture was unsteady, and her fingers kept adjusting the hem and collar of her clothes.
Young Master Xie, who is always calm and composed in the face of difficulties, is now sitting quietly behind his desk waiting for someone. He exudes elegance, but one can vaguely sense an unusual tension and unease about him.
He didn't expect Yue Yining to respond to him, and what surprised him even more was that Yue Yining directly invited him to meet at Manshenglou that night.
He had thought that the chance to have another meal with her like this would be a distant dream.
Xie Qingyu dared not think about it further.
Or is it that she's planning to forgive him?
Approaching footsteps came from outside the corridor. Xie Qingyu suddenly looked up, and a soft sound came from behind the screen that blocked the main entrance.
His heart pounded like a drum until Yue Yining, holding a scroll of paper, slowly emerged from behind the snow-covered screen embroidered with red plum blossoms, her lotus-colored jacket flowing gracefully.
As spring arrives in full bloom, even a winter scene is melted away.
She walked out slowly, lifting her eyelids to give him a quick glance.
Xie Qingyu immediately stood up, her eyes following her with urgent and anxious gaze, and she uttered a hesitant, soft call: "Miss."
Yue Yining nodded from afar, walked straight to the table, sat down opposite him, and said in a clear voice, "Don't stand, sit down."
Xie Qingyu paused slightly, then slowly sat down along the edge of the table.
"...Is it because of the letter I sent through someone?"
Xie Qingyu spoke first. Every time he was face to face with her, his gentle, jade-like eyes would turn into a misty haze, his voice soft and alluring. "So that's why Miss asked me to come out?"
"Yes." Yue Yining's expression remained unchanged. "I received that letter written in blood and I have read it."
“I brought it with me today as well.”
Yue Yining placed the scroll representing the blood oath on the table. She paid attention to Xie Qingyu's expression, but Xie Qingyu only glanced at it lightly before fixing her gaze on her again.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to disturb you while you were on your business. I just wanted to lessen my punishment, and maybe that would make you believe I really knew I was wrong. That’s all. I had no other intentions.”
They said they were disturbing her while she was handling her official duties...
Yue Yining let out a long sigh and said in a feigned indifference, "If you are truly sincere in confessing your sins to me, then please stop pretending."
Do you think I don't know what kind of person you are?
Xie Qingyu suddenly fell silent, her eyelashes trembled slightly, and she lowered her head.
"...If you're going to confess, then confess. Why did you hurt yourself?" Yue Yining asked in a low voice, her brows furrowed slightly. "I didn't count the exact number of words in this letter, but it's at least two hundred. How much blood did you bleed out?"
Yue Yining's first reaction after reading the blood-written letter was shock.
Two hundred words wouldn't be enough if it were just the blood from pricking one's fingertip; one would have to prick it at least a hundred times to draw enough blood to finish such a letter. Or did he squeeze his finger after writing each word, making it bleed a little more?
How painful must that be?
She considered herself not someone easily shaken, especially by those with the most forceful methods; the more forceful the methods, the less afraid she was. But Xie Qingyu was precisely her weakness. Every time he admitted his mistakes, he would lay himself bare for her to see, his methods and forms so extreme, so bloody.
But she couldn't ignore it.
Xie Qingyu remained silent before her. Yue Yining looked at him, sighed softly, and reached out her hand to him, palm up.
She said, "Give me your hand."
Xie Qingyu's eyelashes fluttered, and she looked up at her. "What?"
"Your hand." Yue Yining pursed her lips. "...Let me see your injury."
Upon hearing this, Xie Qingyu knew that Yue Yining meant reconciliation.
Even ecstasy wouldn't be enough to describe his current feelings. The blood remaining in his heart transformed into a school of fish, rushing through his veins and limbs, as if they wanted to pierce through the heavens and earth and burst out from the cracks.
It was like a parched desert suddenly receiving a timely rain from the sky. The water rose so high that his heart ached, and his limbs became weak from being soaked.
Xie Qingyu reached out, and his drooping sleeve swept some of the fruits and peanuts off the table, as he was afraid that she would change her mind if he waited any longer.
Her slightly cool fingertips were held by two slender, fair fingers. Xie Qingyu gazed intently at Yue Yining, who was looking down and examining him closely. She was very focused, carefully avoiding the wound, and was observing his index finger, which was wrapped in gauze.
Yue Yining asked, "Can I open it?"
Xie Qingyu nodded, and she untied the knot of the gauze. The gauze loosened and slowly slid off his fingers, palms and wrists.
Xie Qingyu has a pair of delicate, slender, and beautiful hands with fingertips as smooth and exquisite as polished snow jade.
At this moment, the area looked as if it had been ravaged several times, swollen and slightly bluish-purple. The wound hadn't reopened, only showing a faint red scab; even this healing scene was somewhat frightening.
She didn't dare touch his wound, but examined it for a while to make sure that medicine had been applied before she felt a little relieved.
Yue Yining's last shred of doubt vanished. Looking at the horrific wound so close to his face, her heart melted instantly.
She slowly lowered his hand, looked up and stared directly into his eyes: "Don't do this kind of thing again."
Xie Qingyu pursed her slightly trembling lips and couldn't help but whisper, "Has Miss forgiven me?"
His hopeful eyes were mixed with the bitterness that had just faded, like the receding tide, just revealing a pristine white sand beach where anyone could poke and scratch, and he was completely unguarded.
“There’s no question of forgiveness,” Yue Yining said softly. “...Most of the things you did had nothing to do with me. Even if forgiveness were to be asked, it’s not my place to do it.”
No. It was all for you.
Whether he kills them or keeps them, there's only one reason: the wrong things he's done have always been related to her.
It was all because of her, and only she could correct his mistakes. He longed to hold her hand and beg her not to abandon him again, not to treat him coldly anymore; this was torture he couldn't bear. If he had made any mistakes, she only needed to point them out once, and he would change completely.
Xie Qingyu naturally dared not say that; he could only obediently nod, his wet eyes fixed on her.
“…I’ve thought about it carefully when I got back.” His heart was surging, but Yue Yining didn’t notice. She just lowered her eyes and said to herself, “What you said makes sense. Since you sincerely admit your mistake, I should give you a chance to make amends. I shouldn’t keep harping on your mistakes, be harsh on you, or get angry with you.”
She really couldn't ignore his repeated pleas any longer.
“If you absolutely have to hear it from me to feel at ease,” Yue Yining softened her voice, “then I forgive you.”
"From now on, don't do anything to hurt yourself again. I don't need you to write a blood oath to atone for your sins. Do you hear me?"
At this moment, even her gentle scolding sounded like honey, making him feel intoxicated and dizzy.
Xie Qingyu nodded repeatedly, wishing she could engrave every word she said into her heart.
"Then I..." Xie Qingyu's breathing quickened, "...can I still deliver things to Miss?"
He wanted to tentatively ask if they could go back to being as close as before, and if he could still treat her well without any reservations, without being doubted, rejected, or excluded by her.
He originally thought that Yue Yining would grant him this small request.
But the person in front of him shook his head, his tone resolute, "No."
“Don’t get me wrong. When I said I forgive you, it was just because I felt I shouldn’t target you anymore, shouldn’t treat you like a monster, and shouldn’t speak harshly to you,” Yue Yining said calmly. “That’s all, not that I want to continue being your close friend.”
"I've said it before, we're not on the same path."
Her heart, which had just begun to warm, was roughly ripped from her chest and thrown into the icy wilderness. Xie Qingyu clearly felt the warmth coursing through her body suddenly turn cold, as if she had fallen into the dead of winter.
Seeing that he seemed to have something to say, Yue Yining gently interrupted him, her eyelashes lowered, and said, "You don't need to plead with me anymore. I think this is the best choice for both of us. Now that the struggle between the two factions in the court is intensifying, our identities and positions are no longer suitable for maintaining the relationship we had before. I can't let down the expectations of the Eldest Princess and His Highness the Third Prince, and you can't go against the Seventh Prince's wishes. One day we will have to confront each other in the court, until we die."
He knew she was being tactful, giving a lot of high-sounding reasons, but the only thing she truly meant was "we're not on the same path."
She still remembered his methods and thought he was dirty, despicable, and utterly vile.
Xie Qingyu felt a chill run through him. He moved his lips, "Miss, I..."
“To be honest, I’m very grateful for what you did.” Yue Yining ignored him and continued, “Otherwise, given how good you’ve been to me, it would be hard for me to have the heart to say these things to you and keep my distance from you.”
"From now on, let's just be ordinary colleagues. You gave me the Xie family's warrant before, so I can't keep it anymore. I'll have someone return it to the family tomorrow."
Her words were calm and gentle, yet they clearly drew a line between her and him.
Yue Yining was no longer willing to accept his kindness, nor did she want to take the special treatment he had given her.
She doesn't want it anymore.
No matter what Yue Yining said, Xie Qingyu remained silent. When he wasn't speaking, his face always had a deathly aura, like a lifeless jade statue. Although incomparably handsome, he didn't seem alive, making people feel uneasy looking at him.
Yue Yining observed his expression, unsure of his thoughts for the moment, and could only carefully choose her words, "Of course, I will not refuse the proper exchange of gifts during festivals and banquets, you can rest assured. I did have someone return the holiday gift you sent before, which was indeed willful of me and hurt you a lot. Such a thing will not happen again in the future."
"...Okay, I understand."
Xie Qingyu echoed her, her voice as light as spring smoke, almost devoid of warmth in the winter month, "Miss is right. I have no objection."
He really didn't know what else to do.
Yue Yining lowered her eyes, and the fingers that had been clasped together in her sleeve loosened.
In fact, she had been feeling nervous ever since she entered the room and sat down, so much so that she hadn't even taken a sip of the tea on the table.
She actually had some questions for him. She wanted to know how he knew those things. The prophecy about the fate of the Eastern Xi Kingdom should only be known by a few highly skilled celestial masters. She was quite certain that these people would not casually reveal the prophecy.
But Yue Yining hadn't figured out how to explain things about her yet.
If Xie Qingyu were to seize the opportunity to ask her if she intended to risk her life, she would certainly be at a loss. She would only be able to give a perfunctory answer and would never tell the truth, which would undoubtedly make the situation extremely awkward.
Yue Yining was slightly conflicted when the door was pushed open, and the maids carrying dishes filed in, carefully arranging the bowls and plates on the table before slowly curtsying and retreating.
Xie Qingyu suddenly spoke softly: "...After that, will I still be able to go out to eat with Miss like this?"
Yue Yining paused for a moment, then said, "Of course."
Xie Qingyu: "Then tomorrow evening, after you finish your shift, will you have time, Miss?"
"Tomorrow is probably not an option," Yue Yining said absentmindedly. "I've already made an appointment with the Left Attendant."
She was focused on the array of dishes in front of her, unaware of the fading smile on the man's face opposite her.
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Author's note: I've forgiven you, but we can't go back [clasped hands]. Little Yu Yu, you can cry now.
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