17 Self-Pleasure
Zhou Qi immediately let go of her arm. On a winter night, the two, warmly dressed, calling each other's names and exhaling puffs of white air, were a somewhat comical sight. "Why are you here? Can you still get into school now?" Yang Xiao's words flew out in excitement. She looked up at him again and noticed that Zhou Qi seemed thinner.
"Well, I came to see you after work today. I told the guy at the school gate I'd be out in two hours, so I'll talk to you now. I have to go." Zhou Qi looked at his watch, then looked at Yang Xiao in front of him. After not seeing her for a few months, her hair had grown longer and she seemed to have grown taller, but her eyes were still as clear and bright as ever, staring straight at him.
When Yang Xiao heard he was leaving soon, she felt a mixture of sadness and anxiety. She wanted to tell him everything she'd been up to lately, to tell him she was catching up to him. Her test scores were as steady as ever, and she was struggling with fewer and fewer math problems. But occasionally, she'd get anxious and sleepless over a problem or two she couldn't solve. Insomnia was an uncomfortable feeling, like a fire burning inside her. No matter how much she drank or how she tried to swallow, it couldn't ease the burning sensation. It kept her awake all night, but she had to get up the next morning to continue studying. She didn't dare slack off.
There are so many things I want to tell him, but he is about to leave.
When will we see each other again? Winter break? But the class has intensive training during the winter break, so we only have one week off for the Spring Festival. Will Zhou Qi also stay at the hospital and not go back? Yang Xiao, Yang Xiao, why do you have so much to say, but now that he is in front of you, why can't you say a word?
Zhou Qi looked at Yang Xiao's conflicted expression and increasingly moist eyes, his voice softened, and he asked her gently, "What's wrong? Are you under too much academic pressure recently?" As soon as he finished speaking, he saw the tears in Yang Xiao's eyes that could not be held back. One by one, they rolled down, dripped onto the black down jacket he bought, and disappeared.
"Yang Xiao, don't cry. What's wrong? Tell me, I'll help you solve it, okay?" Zhou Qi heard her soft sobs, and his heart felt like it was being clenched, aching. So he reached out, wanting to hold Yang Xiao in his arms and caress her head soothingly like Zhou Daye. But the moment he touched her shoulder, he paused and turned to gently patting her back.
Yang Xiao cried and shook her head. She didn't know what was wrong with her, why she couldn't help crying when she saw Zhou Qi. She had clearly been able to get up resolutely and go to the classroom to continue another round of study after insomnia. She had clearly heard her classmates secretly calling her a nerd, but she turned a deaf ear to them and finished one test after another. She was so strong, why was there only tears at this moment?
Yang Xiao, Zhou Qi is right in front of you now, tell him everything you want to tell him, crying alone will bore him. But she was too sad, she was crying so hard that her whole body was shaking, even her teeth were shaking. But she still clenched her hands and said:
"I want to be you, Zhou Qi."
"I..I work so hard because I want to be like you."
Zhou Qi patted Yang Xiao's hand for a beat slower, and then continued to pat it more gently, more like stroking than patting, rhythmically on Yang Xiao's back.
Then he said, "You don't have to be me, Yang Xiao. You are yourself. Your long-term efforts and ultimate goal should be to become yourself." Yang Xiao's sobs didn't stop after hearing these words. She didn't know what to say to stop her sadness and grievance. She also knew that the source of this grievance and sadness was not Zhou Qi, but her heart.
She desperately wanted more warmth and encouragement from Zhou Qi, not just the subtle, even negligible, comfort of his pats on her back. At this moment, a strong desire welled up in her heart that she could no longer ignore: she wanted to hug Zhou Qi.
"Can I...can I hug you, Zhou Qi?" Yang Xiao's voice became a little hoarse as she cried.
"It's almost time, Yang Xiao. I have to go now. Go back to the dorm! It's cold outside. I'll come see you next time, okay?" Zhou Qi practically ran away after hearing Yang Xiao's request. He then withdrew the hand that had been gently patting Yang Xiao's back, gently pushed her toward the dormitory door, and hurried away.
Yang Xiao couldn't hold back any longer and burst into tears in the dormitory.
She didn't know why she was so sad. Her heart was twisted and tears couldn't stop falling.
Was it because of Zhou Qi's silent rejection? Or was it because she gradually realized that her feelings for Zhou Qi were more than just family?
The pressure of schoolwork, the mockery of classmates, and the moral judgment weighed heavily on Yang Xiao, making her feel almost breathless. She didn't know how she would face Uncle Zhou or Zhou Qi in the future. She also didn't know what the outcome would be of her desperate study. At least, she never expected that her expectations for Zhou Qi, which exceeded those of family members, would be reciprocated.
After Zhou Qi walked out of the school gate, he did not immediately take a taxi back to the hospital.
He knew that tonight's failure would inevitably hurt Yang Xiao, but he had no choice but to refuse her request. Her eyes, too sincere and straightforward, reflected his own bright reflection. He could still deceive himself, thinking it was the lateness of the night or exhaustion that had blinded him, but the loneliness and grievance that could not be hidden in Yang Xiao's eyes when he rejected her seemed to confirm his suspicions once again.
He rushed to school tonight and left in a hurry, leaving Yang Xiao crying without resolving any of her problems. He felt a little irritated. Lately, many things had become complicated, and he was the source. After standing by the roadside to calm down for a while, he pulled out his phone, dug out the landline number for Yang Xiao's dorm room, and dialed it.
The phone rang for a long time, but no one answered.
Just before the call was about to be automatically disconnected due to no one answering, Yang Xiao's voice came from the other end: "Hello?" Her voice sounded a little tired and even a little tearful. Zhou Qi unconsciously changed his hand, holding the phone, hesitated for a few seconds and said: "I'm sorry."
Yang Xiao was such a smart child that she immediately understood the meaning behind the word "sorry". She bit her lip which was about to tremble again and replied, "It's okay."
For a long time, neither of them spoke, and no one hung up the phone.
Zhou Qi began to compromise and said to her in his usual gentle tone: "Have a good rest first. I'll come to talk to you tomorrow, okay?" "Okay." Yang Xiao agreed readily, and then hung up the phone, along with Zhou Qi's words to rest early.
That night, Yang Xiao lay awake in bed, tears rolling down her cheeks and onto her pillow. Luckily, her roommates had all gone home for the weekend, leaving her alone in the dorm, her embarrassment unnoticed. She clutched a corner of the quilt, rolled over, and faced the wall. She cried for who knows how long, until her tears seemed almost dry before she fell into a deep sleep.
The dream was another night of bizarre things.
She dreamed of flying over the city again, but this time she saw not a forest of steel but Zhou Qi. Looking down, she saw Zhou Qi holding the hand of another stranger, dressed in a crisp white suit and bow tie. Together, they crossed an archway of flowers. They laughed happily, and the crowd around them cheered.
She floated in the air, crying silently.
Seeing Zhou Qi happy, why am I so sad? I should be happy. Yang Xiao lay flat on her bed, tears still welling in the corners of her eyes, but her mouth twisted into a dry smile, as if she wasn't satisfied with herself in her dream, and she chuckled softly again.
Then she woke up and touched her slightly damp pillow. After another fruitless attempt at sleep, she got out of bed, took out her math test paper, and began to work. As the darkness faded and birdsong and light began to fill the window, Yang Xiao sighed softly and picked up a red pen to correct her answers.
She waited for Zhou Qi to call, but the phone remained silent. Yang Xiao suddenly realized that she had been particularly impatient with Zhou Qi. She had been staring at the silent phone for a long time. But she didn't dare leave the phone, even though she was already feeling a strong pang of hunger.
At this moment, the long-awaited phone finally rang.
Yang Xiao walked quickly to the phone, but deliberately lingered for a while before picking up the receiver and putting it to her ear, "Good morning, have you had breakfast? I brought dumplings and soy milk to wait for you at the school gate. I called your head teacher by the way, come out and take a day off today." Zhou Qi's words hardly gave Yang Xiao any option to refuse.
Yang Xiao said yes, quickly packed her things into her schoolbag, and after putting it on her back, she headed for the school gate. On Saturdays, City No. 1 Middle School was remarkably quiet, save for a few students playing football on the playground. Occasionally, a pigeon or two flew overhead, leaving behind a trail of cooing sounds.
As she walked, she would occasionally touch her eyelids. This morning, while washing up in the bathroom, she looked up and saw her eyes were swollen and red, looking miserable. But now, she couldn't care less. She had never had a good image in front of Zhou Qi.
The first time they met, she and Cai Xiaopang had a heated argument, and she didn't even want to recall the scene of her wet, sticky hair wrapped around her flushed face from the heated argument. Later, every time he saw her, she was always gloomy, carrying a schoolbag and wearing black-framed glasses.
Then, Yang Xiao's thoughts drifted away again.
She suddenly thought of Yue Ting and Lin Menghui. They always pretended to be strangers, arriving at the math office one after the other. Even if their eyes accidentally met during class, they would instantly look away. But she had clearly seen them walking side by side, chatting and laughing, after evening study, and even secretly holding hands under their clothes.
Yue Ting has also slowly undergone some changes. The most obvious change is her hairstyle. She had a high ponytail for a long time, but by last Sunday, it was short. Even the hairpins she used to hold loose hair in place on the sides of her ears have become more diverse, with some blue and some pink, which is very beautiful.
Along with the changes came some joking voices, such as the group of chatterboxes who couldn't even chew the "zhihuzheya" (words of wisdom), but quoted classics in a serious manner, attributing this to the "women dress up to please themselves" in the Warring States Policy.
Is this a woman dressing to please others? Yang Xiao pondered this sentence, feeling a little uncomfortable. She knew the previous line was: A gentleman will die for his confidant. Why can a "scholar" use noble and loyal ideals to create an image of himself willing to sacrifice for his confidant, while a "woman"'s changes, no matter how sincere, are interpreted as pleasing others? She couldn't understand.
Yang Xiao only felt that Yue Ting's short hair was neat, and the hairpin she wore was a bit playful. It seemed that any combination of them seemed particularly suitable for Yue Ting. The so-called "pleasing oneself" should also be to please oneself first.
Thinking of this, she suddenly felt that her red and swollen eyelids were not so embarrassing. It was a normal reaction after she cried and was sad. She didn't need to care so much about her imperfect appearance at the moment, even though she vaguely realized that the people she was going to meet were not just her family.
So what? If her sadness and grievances can't be relieved by the other person, and she even has to consider whether he thinks she looks decent before going on a date, then that's a bit too crazy.
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