desire
“I’m tired,” Pan Yue said naturally, kneeling down and putting his hands behind his head. “I’ll lie down for a bit.”
"You're that weak?" Lin Changren raised an eyebrow. Suddenly, as if realizing something, he fell silent and collapsed backward.
Zhu Shiyi: ?
Two straight men lay on the board beside her.
Pan Yue raised his eyebrows, looking relaxed and at ease.
“We lay like this before on Shang Island,” Lin Changren explained, propping his hands behind his head. He then fell silent, as if lost in the past.
The two lay there, neither speaking.
Zhu Shiyi didn't say anything either, but then raised his head and looked up at the sky.
The buildings are magnificent, the stars are indistinct, only the moon is visible.
It seems a little lonely, but it doesn't shed tears; it always shines.
*
The moonlight was hazy, and Pan Yue squinted.
A sea breeze blows by, and in a fleeting moment, at this very moment.
Memories are frozen in time at the seaside.
Memories are like a message in a bottle; they brave thorns and waves, and tonight, they are retrieved anew by the sound of the waves.
That night, Pan Yue lay on the beach. Beside him was his good friend, who had been with him every day back then.
They were always very boisterous when they were together.
But that night, just like now, we lay side by side, and no one spoke.
Perhaps it was the comfortable evening breeze, or the gentle waves; or perhaps it was the bright stars that night, or perhaps it was a sense of bewilderment within my heart.
That moment, just like this moment.
The waves penetrated deep into the cochlea, flowing along every bone in the body, striking the brain, yet transforming into flowing water, becoming part of every drop of blood.
The wind reaches the skin, refreshing and moisturizing every cell in the body.
He even felt that the hairs on his legs were trembling in the wind.
The earth carried him forward, safely and steadily.
He saw it.
The stars are twinkling, and in his heart, there is wind blowing and waves flowing.
“A person’s perception declines with age,” Pan Yue said casually, “When I was a child…”
He paused for a moment, then realized something, fell silent, and resumed his usual self.
"What happened when you were little?" Zhu Shiyi tilted her head, her eyes filled with undisguised curiosity.
Pan Yue gave a slight twitch of his lips and simply said, "I was happier when I was a child."
He's not one to share, he was just a little distracted.
“I also miss my childhood,” Lin Changren pursed his lips and continued, “I was so happy catching fish and stealing bird eggs; and I cried buckets of tears when I graduated and parted ways…”
He seemed to recall something, and suddenly curled his lips into a smile: "When the girl I liked from the next class passed by, my heart fluttered so loudly it was deafening."
...
The current is calm and still, like a gentle breeze passing through a hall.
It's like being pulled back to a certain moment, but the memory is barely there.
Zhu Shiyi doesn't remember what happened at that moment.
She only remembers one feeling—intense, powerful, and undeniable.
That moment, perhaps, was just a very small thing.
The first time I bought cotton candy, I was praised in front of everyone by my favorite teacher, and I walked home from school with a candied hawthorn in my mouth, holding my parents' hands.
It's completely unimportant to life.
But that feeling is something I've remembered for so many years.
This feeling is what "childhood" is all about.
“Sometimes I also want to go back to when I was a child,” Zhu Shiyi said, her eyebrows relaxing, “when I could be willful and reckless.”
One cannot simultaneously possess youth and the feeling of youth.
Zhu Shiyi sighed softly, "At the time, I thought it was just an ordinary thing."
Lin Changren nodded: "I can relate to that too."
“…Hmm.” Pan Yue responded softly, his brow twitching slightly, as if he were thinking about something.
All three remained silent.
...
“As we get older,” Pan Yue said abruptly, “our ability to feel things becomes weaker and our threshold for happiness becomes higher.”
"High-pitched and low-pitched, becoming less and less frequent, the flow of life is getting faster and faster."
Suddenly, Zhu Shiyi felt as if he had been choked, unable to open his mouth.
*
As usual, Lin Changren would say something like, "Hey, you fake intellectual, why are you being so pretentious?"
But he remained silent.
Pan Yue didn't understand why he was saying these things in front of strangers.
But having said that, he simply continued: "At three years old, a year is a third of life; at thirty, it's a third."
"There are 360 days in a year, but it doesn't feel like the years when I was three or five."
Pan Yue stared at the moon, the outline of its halo becoming increasingly blurred.
In his memory, the moonlight in his childhood was brighter than it is now.
*
"Alas... I wish we could buy osmanthus blossoms and share wine." Lin Changren propped himself up and sighed deeply.
“It’s nothing like the carefree days of youth.” Zhu Shiyi bent his legs and hugged his knees.
In the distance, everything was shrouded in mist.
But a soft laugh reached my ears.
Though light, it is clear and undisguised.
Zhu Shiyi snapped out of her daze, glancing at Pan Yue, whose lips were still curved in a smile.
Zhu Shiyi felt a chill run down her spine: "What are you laughing at?"
Pan Yue remained silent.
Zhu Shiyi persisted: "Are you laughing at me?"
Since the other party had already given up, she simply asked.
Pan Yue gently turned his head away.
Zhu Shiyi: ......
That ambiguous expression was absolutely blatant mockery!
“What you’re doing is,” he suddenly turned his head back, “forcing yourself to be sad for the sake of writing new words.”
Each word was spoken slowly and deliberately, like a wooden fish hammer striking her head squarely.
"I was just responding to the poem!" Zhu Shiyi retorted, suddenly feeling a warmth rising behind his ears.
She just felt that what they said made sense, and it was just her feeling; she was definitely not talking about herself!
“Youth is carefree,” Lin Changren laughed. “You are in the prime of your youth, don’t have so many worries.”
...What a wonderful youth?
Zhu Shiyi immediately deflated, and said dejectedly, "Who says young people don't have worries?"
She slowly propped her chin up: "20 years old, an age where you have no achievements and no right to be willful. You want to strive but feel like a headless fly, lazy and lacking motivation; you want to be a couch potato but don't have the confidence to lie down."
“My parents’ nagging, the success of my peers, everything was so ordinary, I never cared about it,” Zhu Shiyi frowned unconsciously. “I don’t know when it started, but suddenly, I became anxious.”
“Life seems to have remained the same, but I feel that everything has changed,” Zhu Shiyi said, lowering her eyes. “Ultimately, it’s because I’m incapable.”
“When you get older, you start to think about the future, but you don’t have the ability to change things for the time being, so it’s normal to feel anxious,” Lin Changren comforted him.
Zhu Shiyi nodded vigorously: "I really don't want to grow up."
“As people get older,” Pan Yue said calmly, “their worldview, outlook on life, and values become more complete, unlike when they are young and inexperienced, afraid of rejection and easily influenced by others.”
Zhu Shiyi moved his eyes and met Pan Yue's eyes.
"Know thyself," his eyes were like a deep trench, unfathomable, concealing turbulent waves. "Do what you want, and don't worry about others. Take action, and you won't wallow in self-pity or wallow in sorrow."
Zhu Shiyi's breath hitched: "Then what are you pursuing?"
Her voice was high-pitched and somewhat urgent, like a lost lamb driven by instinct to grasp at a straw.
Pan Yue remained silent.
...
Zhu Shiyi lowered his gaze, withdrawing his expectation.
It seems she asked too many questions.
“Pursue,” the magnetic voice suddenly resonated, “happiness.”
Pan Yue's tone was firm, without the slightest hesitation.
"Happiness?" Zhu Shiyi frowned.
Is it happiness? What is happiness?
But she was too embarrassed to ask any more questions.
"How do you define happiness?" Lin Changren, who had just fallen silent, asked, becoming the one speaking for him.
Pan Yue didn't look at Lin Changren; instead, he looked up at the sky and said naturally, "It depends on your values."
Values?
Zhu Shiyi became increasingly confused.
“Don’t beat around the bush,” Lin Changren said. “Just say it.”
"When life is good, there is happiness." Pan Yue said no more.
"What makes something good?" Lin Changren pressed.
Pan Yue glanced at Lin Changren, speaking leisurely.
"It's fine to lie here now."
Lin Changren: ......
Zhu Shiyi: ......
“So,” Zhu Shiyi cleared his throat, speaking with an air of seriousness, “lying down equals happiness!”
Discharged!
Pan Yue curled his lips.
"So, do you want to lie down and see?"
The waves crashed on the shore, mingling with the laughter of children.
The soft moonlight gently fell on his eyelashes.
Zhu Shiyi was slightly dazed.
The seed of love, in an instant, sprouts and blossoms, as if absorbing the essence of heaven and earth, to give birth to a fruit bathed in moonlight.
"But I just washed my hair yesterday." Zhu Shiyi was extremely tempted.
"Just wash it again, use your kite as a mat," Lin Changren encouraged.
"Wouldn't that be strange?" She glanced around cautiously; it seemed no one was watching them yet.
“You’re not alone,” Pan Yue urged.
Zhu Shiyi: ?
Everyone is human.
Did you just get yelled at?
...
Within two seconds of thinking, the inner turmoil vanished.
Zhu Shiyi straightened the kite cloth, adjusted his posture, shifted away from the kite pole, and fell down.
......
Cool!
The day's fatigue was cured, and Zhu Shiyi propped her head up with her knees.
Suddenly, Pan Yue stood up and grabbed his shirt.
"...See if we can use it." Pan Yue unfolded his iPad, took it out, and handed her the shirt.
Zhu Shiyi was stunned.
The next second, she remembered that she was wearing a skirt.
Although it's a long skirt, it reaches the knees, making it easy to accidentally expose oneself.
Zhu Shiyi straightened her legs silently, pretending nothing had happened, and smoothed things over: "It's okay, it's okay, no need to pad my clothes, the sand will come off with a pat, just put your head on it."
As she spoke, she quietly gathered her skirt and knelt down again.
"When will I be able to make money while lying down?" Lin Changren sighed comfortably.
"Tonight," Pan Yue replied smoothly.
Lin Changren: "Now?"
Zhu Shiyi is also looking forward to it.
Is this for real?
Pan Yue: "When I enter a dream."
Lin Changren and Zhu Shiyi: ......
"If I can't lie flat, my liver won't move," Lin Changren stretched and yawned, "I don't have enough money, and I'm not feeling well."
Changing the subject, Lin Changren said, "I understand."
"My value system is to make more money."
Pan Yue glanced at Lin Changren, remaining noncommittal.
"Does having more money equate to happiness?" Zhu Shiyi asked.
"Isn't having a lot of money a sign of happiness?" Lin Changren asked rhetorically.
Zhu Shiyi was choked.
"How much money would be considered too much?" Zhu Shiyi asked again.
Lin Changren: "......"
"I don't know," he said softly.
Zhu Shiyi recalled his father's words.
"There will never be enough money."
Money is what he cares about most.
Money is important; that's a consensus.
What about the people? Aren't family members important?
The father said, "It's important, but without money, how can we feed our loved ones?"
Zhu Shiyi had no way to refute this.
If a very wealthy person said this, she could say that she wasn't such a materialistic person.
But she comes from an ordinary family, and lives in a first-tier city.
Yuecheng Technology is a rising star, attracting countless wealthy individuals.
In comparison, her family couldn't even stand firm on their own two feet.
So much so that—
For 365 days a year, my father worked without a break.
Since her younger brother was born, Zhu Shiyi has hardly spoken to her father. At his busiest, she could only see him three times a year.
The father was busy making money, while the mother raised two children on her own, acting as both father and mother.
Whenever she goes home for vacation, Zhu Shiyi can't bear to look at her parents' aged faces. She can see the new wrinkles and gray hair on their faces, etched by the years and the wind and sand.
Zhu Shiyi felt heartbroken for her parents, yet it was precisely because of their desperate efforts that she was able to utter a single sentence—
She felt sorry for them.
...
“I’m just an ordinary person,” Lin Changren said with a self-deprecating laugh. “I have strong desires, I want everything, but I haven’t done anything well.”
“Okay, you can say it that way. From now on, I’ll say to outsiders that I designed the new style of MEETING.” Pan Yue added fuel to the fire.
“You old dog, taking advantage of someone’s misfortune,” Lin Changren said, seemingly furious. “That was my genius design.”
Zhu Shiyi chuckled.
Pan Yue was comforting Lin Changren.
He... seems to be cold on the outside but warm on the inside.
"Life is about eating, drinking, and sex, so let's be a little vulgar," Lin Chang-ren said with a quick sigh. "Being vulgar doesn't break the law, and it even means paying more taxes and making a contribution."
He already seemed to be justifying himself: "It's fun, that's all."
But Zhu Shiyi couldn't explain it away: "Desire always brings anxiety."
It's not just about material things, but also about spiritual desires.
"If you don't want it, you won't expect it, and you won't feel anxious or suffer."
If you don't care about your parents, worldly conventions, or money, you won't suffer.
Pan Yue bluntly stated, "You enjoy suffering."
Zhu Shiyi replied without hesitation: "How could that be? Nobody likes pain."
Pan Yue added, "You like to be comfortable."
Zhu Shiyi agreed this time: "No one dislikes being comfortable."
The most comfortable life is that of a salted fish who has no desires or wants.
“Actually, pain is quite comfortable,” Pan Yue’s voice was magnetic, accompanied by the sound of waves, adding a touch of flavor, “You don’t have to do anything, just stay the same.”
"It can solve the pain, but it requires thinking and change."
"The process of dealing with pain is more painful than the pain itself."
It feels like being hit in a vital acupoint.
“One cannot allow oneself to wallow in pain; that is called escapism,” Pan Yue said in a calm tone, but his words were firm and powerful: “One must be put in a desperate situation to survive.”
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