Chapter 26: Love, career, family, Sasa did not keep his words and actions consistent.
Li Yao added, "You even lit a fire for him at the entrance of the supermarket..."
Sasa took off a face mask and said as she did so, "Damn it, Li Yao, you really know everything."
Li Yao's voice was growing increasingly tense. "That's right, God, don't tell anyone that you're the protagonist."
Sasa was stunned for a moment, forgetting to put on the mask she was holding, and asked, "What protagonist?"
"Don't you know? Cong Shanshan doesn't want to live with Chen Ang anymore, but she doesn't want a peaceful divorce either, so she's been looking for a private detective to follow him. The private detective followed him for six months, but nothing happened. Then, two months ago, rumors suddenly started going viral: Chen Ang was cheating on her. They also said Cong Shanshan threatened Chen Ang that if he didn't give her the house, she would leak the photos. No one would be safe then."
"Are you divorced now?" Sasa asked.
"Of course they got divorced... Cong Shanshan took away a lot of things and left only a small house for Chen Ang. He did keep his job," said Li Yao.
Sasa took a deep breath, and Li Yao quickly said, "I will keep it a secret for you, but you should not meet in your hometown recently."
Sasa was a little speechless, not knowing whether to take the mask or put it down. "But we just kissed."
"You're already in your thirties, and you're still so innocent! Who would believe me if I told anyone else?"
"It's embarrassing to tell anyone!" Li Yao added.
Sasa called Chen Ang and asked him to come to Shanghai to see her. However, he said he had surgery the next day and couldn't leave. She bought a ticket back home and told Chen Ang, "Send me your address. I'll go back to see you and then come back."
The best thing about growing older is that you no longer have to drag your feet or make excuses. If you have a need, just ask directly without being polite.
Sasa asked again, "Have you eaten? Do you want some Caesar's cream cake?"
Chen Ang said yes, but my blood sugar has been unstable recently and I can’t eat too much sweets.
In the taxi on the way to Chen Ang's house, Sasa was actually a little sad; after breaking up with him, she didn't have any other relationship in her hometown, and her memory of love in this space was completely blank, so she actually cherished this moment - in the past, she had to tell a thousand and eight lies to escape from home to meet someone at night, but now she could see each other by just buying a ticket.
Sasa recalled how Chen Ang, who had just bought a car when they were dating, would often drive her to school, deliberately taking a three-block detour just to stay ten minutes longer. Sasa didn't like air conditioning, thinking it would ache her bones, so she would just open the sunroof. She would stretch out her hands and scream like a ghost from an American teen movie.
Now they are no longer young, and their cervical vertebrae are trapped by offices and hospital operating tables. I am afraid they would not be so "luxurious" as to be willing to replace love with their bodies.
-
Chen Ang was still living in the same house they had once lived in together. Sasa, upon entering, surveyed the interior and suddenly realized it wasn't as nice as she remembered. The decor looked much older. The wooden table they'd eaten at had a few more spots on it, and the sofa they'd watched projections on had two cracks. The spacious living room she remembered now felt cramped. The sofa was next to the bed, which was next to the window. Looking out, the towering fir trees that had once seemed romantic now looked like a dark, endless wasteland at night, reflecting the cramped interior and the two people who seemed familiar yet unfamiliar.
"I heard everything, so I came to see you." Sasa sat on the sofa and said to Chen Ang.
Chen Ang asked, "Are you talking about my divorce?"
Sasa nodded and said, "I also heard about the private detective."
Chen Ang said "Oh" and laughed, "I'm sorry to have embarrassed you."
Chen Ang went to the island behind the sofa to look for a cup. Sasa turned her head to look at him. "I heard that they're going to make a big fuss and even expose my photos. Are you suppressing it because you're afraid of affecting me?"
Chen Ang poured Sasa a glass of water and was a little surprised. "If I were twenty years old and wanted to trick you into falling in love, I would definitely insist it was for you, making you feel sorry for me and that you should be responsible. But now I can only say that with or without you, we will get divorced."
Sasa didn't take the glass of water. Instead, she gently touched the soft armrest of the sofa. She felt a few cracks in the fabric sofa - the marks of a kitten's scratches. She asked, "Did you raise a kitten later?"
"When I first got married, I had a stuffed animal called Shanmu. When I gave birth, it suffered from postpartum depression and later died from starvation."
Sasa turned her head and asked him with her big eyes flashing, "Do cats also suffer from postpartum depression?"
Chen Ang said, "Of course, kittens, like humans, cannot stand separation and cannot resist loneliness."
Sasa nodded and whispered, "Oh," that in the space she missed, he had experienced a lot with another person.
Sasa said, "Why don't you treat postpartum depression? Why just watch it die?"
Chen Ang sighed, "But how do we communicate with cats? Talk? We've consulted a professional veterinarian, but they haven't been able to solve the problem."
Sasa hummed and said, "Yeah, even people who can speak may not be able to communicate well, let alone different people who don't understand each other's language."
I don't know if Chen Ang heard the hidden meaning in her words, but instead he changed the subject. "Actually, I didn't expect you to come to see me."
Sasa got up from the sofa, half-lying on the island counter, stroking the water cup in her hand. "I just feel that I have done something wrong. I should come and talk to you face to face. At least I shouldn't pat my butt and pretend that I don't know."
Chen Ang said, "Of course you did nothing wrong. Marriage is a matter between two people. Divorce is fine. Since there are no children, it feels like a breakup. The only difference is that a breakup is a matter between two people, while a divorce is a matter between two families."
Chen Ang didn't look as dull as Sasa thought, he actually looked very energetic.
Chen Ang added, "Besides, we were planning to divorce before the New Year, but we've been arguing over the uneven distribution of our assets this year. She wants to sue and take away all the real estate."
Sasa went to the bathroom. There was no woman's stuff in it, but after coming out, she couldn't help but ask, "Could it be that you have a third party? Why is the other party so pressing?"
When old lovers meet, they either say nothing or there is nothing they can't talk about.
"If there was a third party involved, they could have divorced last year instead of waiting until now. She just thinks living with me is like boiling a frog in warm water."
Sasa nodded and said unkindly, "When I was with you, I also felt like a frog in boiling water."
Chen Ang recalled and said, "Ten years ago?"
Sasa nodded. "Yeah, I'm already your age when you knew me. Time flies."
"But you live in a big city, so even when you reach my age in the future, you will still be full of energy." Chen Ang had no expression on his face and described his age calmly.
Sasa leaned back on the sofa, tilting her neck to look at him. She stopped talking about divorce and said, "It's scary for you to talk about it like this when I'm not even forty."
Chen Ang asked, "Do you think I'm old?"
Sasa shook her head and said, "You look to be only in your early thirties. You are more mature than when I first met you, and your appearance has not changed much."
Chen Ang certainly doesn't look like a man in his forties, more like he's in his thirties, but ever since Sasa met him, he's always had a youthful air about him, and at that time she was fascinated by that aura.
Ten years later, Sasa realized that she grew up after meeting Chen Ang. She traveled with him in the mature world and could not come back. It is easy for people to mature overnight, but it is difficult to return to childhood innocence overnight.
Seeing her silence, Chen Ang seemed to see through her thoughts and asked tentatively: So is it really boring to be in love with me?
Sasa nodded, trying to come up with an adjective. Chen Ang held the water cup, waiting for her to speak. "You were the kind of kid back then, the one who would cross his arms and watch other kids play house coldly, another kid."
Chen Ang said, "So I'm really that boring." He then asked, "What kind of job are you doing now?"
"Reporter, I'm a reporter. I chat with people and then I edit the conversation and send it out."
Sasa thought of the past and asked Chen Ang, "Remember, it was you who told me that I was very talented in writing and asked me to submit my work to a magazine?"
She stared into Chen Ang's eyes, and Chen Ang looked at her with a look of confusion that could not be deceived. Chen Ang said politely, "I don't remember, but I am very happy that I chose a track for you."
Sasa was a little disappointed, and consoled herself, "It's normal to forget. It's been ten years. It seems that tonight we shouldn't reminisce about the days when we were in love."
Chen Ang opened the packaging of the Caesar she had bought: "I'm very busy at work and have a lot to remember. There are many things I really can't remember."
Sasa added, "I didn't expect you to answer like this. I still miss our relationship to this day. I thought you would chat with me for a few minutes even out of courtesy."
Chen Ang took a bite of cake and put it in his mouth. "Then you should look forward. Thirty is a good time. It's not good to be stuck in the past. After talking with you today, I kind of regret that I lived like an old man ten years ago."
She smiled, leaning her head against the back of the sofa, holding her phone in one hand to call a taxi, but it was too far from here and too late at night, so she couldn't get a taxi.
Sasa glanced at him, then asked in a low voice, "Can I stay at your place today? I just tried to call a Didi taxi for a long time, but couldn't get one."
The two of them were lying on the bed with their clothes on.
Sasa suddenly remembered the facial mask she had just opened in Shanghai, so she sat up, turned around and asked him, "Do you mind if I put on a facial mask on your bed? I opened one in Shanghai, it's very expensive, and I would feel bad if I didn't use it."
Chen Ang said of course he didn’t mind.
She got up and went to look for her facial mask, which was Estee Lauder's Iron Man mask. Putting it on felt like wearing a piece of hard armor.
The two of them leaned on the back of the bed and chatted. Sasa, wearing his "hard armor", took off his bracelets one by one and put them on the bedside table.
Chen Ang said, "Your jewelry is very beautiful, Van Cleef & Arpels, Cong Shanshan also likes it."
Sasa raised it up and said, "Really?"
Chen Ang hummed, "There's another reason for our divorce. The money I earn is not enough for her to spend."
Chen Ang looked very lonely when he said this.
Sasa said, "Have I ever told you that Cong Shanshan and I have met before? She was a very popular person in school and had many friends. During your wedding, my friend circle was flooded with photos of her wearing Vera Wang."
Chen Ang's expression clearly showed that he didn't know. "Really? She didn't mention it to me."
Sasa calmly smoothed the mask and essence off her face. "Of course she won't mention it. I should be just a trivial part of the school beauty's life."
Chen Ang said, "You are very beautiful now."
Sasa turned her head and looked him in the eye, then asked, "Am I as pretty as her now?"
The two looked at each other for a moment before Chen Ang's eyes moved away. She looked at his profile and found that Chen Ang had a few wrinkles, and his face was tilted a little towards the direction he was lying. Even if you are young, your age will be revealed when you lie down.
Chen Ang looked at the ceiling and continued, "Shanshan really sees herself more than anything else. She's almost forty years old, but she's still a child who wants to be in the spotlight."
Chen Ang asked again, "How did you see it?"
Sasa told Chen Ang the whole story about the mascara incident from beginning to end. Chen Ang laughed and said that it was something she could do.
Sasa asked, "Then how did you two meet?"
Chen Ang said, "One year, the boys from the hospital and the girls from the government offices had a social gathering. Everyone was singing revolutionary songs about loving the motherland, but she was the only one who went up and danced to a girl's song. I heard she was criticized later."
Sasa turned her head to look at him, he was still staring at the ceiling. "Did you pursue her later?"
"People are fascinated by that kind of vitality." Chen Ang nodded, with nostalgia in his eyes.
Sasa asked, "What about the first time we met? Do you remember?"
Chen Ang didn't even think twice. "You asked me to tie a bow around your wound."
For some reason, Sasa's eyes suddenly turned red. She suddenly thought that when she met Chen Ang, she should have been the energetic child in Chen Ang's life, but she changed later.
Back then, Chen Ang wouldn't stay up late with her, and would go to bed promptly at 11 p.m. She'd once thought that not staying up late with her meant he didn't love her, but now, she couldn't stay up late like she did when she was eighteen or nineteen. Every time she thought about those days, she felt resentful. She hated him for not being able to empathize with her when they were together, and she hated him for reminiscing too much after they broke up. This feeling held her back, preventing her from moving forward properly for the entire decade.
She turned around and lay with her back to Chen Ang. "Why haven't you had children yet?"
"I can't explain it. I just forgot about it after a while. Maybe it's because I always felt like I was a child. I always thought that having a child would make me lose my figure and age."
Sasa uttered an "oh" and didn't know what else to say. After thinking for a while, she said something polite, "If you need me in the future, you can call me."
Chen Ang hummed, "If you get a disease that can't be cured in other places when you're old, it will be troublesome for you to go to Beijing to register."
Sasa said, "Don't say that. I can't stand it."
Chen Ang turned his head to look at her narrow back. "Susu, I wish you a happy life in the future."
Sasa said, "Thank you."
Chen Ang closed his eyes and wanted to sleep.
Sasa was unwilling to give in, and said, "You know, I saw you before I had appendicitis."
Chen Ang still closed his long eyes and asked, "Are you an undercover agent? You have seen Shanshan before, and you have seen me before."
Sasa turned over and lay on the bed to look at him. "I'm asking you if you really don't remember. You loved going to 7-Eleven to buy sandwiches back then, and I would always go there to secretly watch you."
Chen Ang still didn't open his eyes. He said, "I really don't remember. Every time I went to buy a sandwich, it was because I had surgery, so it was always urgent. Besides, that was ten years ago."
Sasa murmured "oh" softly and said nothing else. Suddenly, she wanted to do something very brave, something she had not done many years ago.
Sasa suddenly turned over and straddled Chen Ang. Chen Ang opened his eyes quickly. She saw his Adam's apple move and asked, "What's wrong?"
Sasa reached out her hand and gently touched the corner of his eye. He did not hide. There were tears in Sasa's eyes. Sasa said, "You have wrinkles too."
Chen Ang hummed and said, "Be good, come down."
Sasa asked, "Are you really going to come down?"
She could sense his discomfort, and then she heard him say, "I have surgery tomorrow."
The Iron Man mask is divided into two parts, the upper and lower parts. Before tears burst out, Sasa said to him, "Close your eyes."
Sasa took off the upper part of her mask, put it on his face, gently smoothed it, and said, "Let's sleep well, no one should open their eyes, I will leave early tomorrow morning."
Chen Ang said, "Okay."
She tore off the facial mask paper on her face and cried while Chen Ang closed his eyes.
On the way here, she thought she would have a long talk with Chen Ang, but it seemed that their energy did not allow them to do so. There was no grand ceremony like on TV to announce the reunion, nor any corny scene of looking at each other with tears in their eyes. Thousands of words were carelessly brushed aside by Chen Ang, and the two of them slept through the night of reunion in such a dull manner, separated by an invisible line of light and dark.
On the bed, they only looked at each other for one second, and in that second, she really wanted to ask Chen Ang, if I want to be with you again, would you be willing?
Fortunately, they didn't do anything excessive, so she didn't ask.
She has never understood herself; she can't say what she means in love, career, and family. She thinks the underlying tone of her life is mean, hypocritical, and dull. She is too far from being a good girl, but lacks the ruthlessness to be a bad girl, so she can only get by in everything.
After waiting for the sound of Chen Ang's even breathing, Sasa took out her phone and posted a Weibo on her second account:
It seems like I have reconciled with the past, with the beautiful shoes I wore when I was fifteen, with the boy I liked when I was eighteen who made me feel so proud, with the wind that lingered around my hands through the skylight above my head when we were in love, and with the news that he was getting married when I was twenty-five.
So what else should I keep? I don’t know, but I’ll just have to move on.
It's three o'clock and there's only one read.
She actually remembered a lot of things, but didn't want to talk about them anymore.
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