9. The Original Intention of Desire
"Do you still have desires now?" Yi asked her two friends during lunch.
“Of course,” Ding Xiaojuan answered decisively, browsing images on Land Rover’s official website on her phone. “My long-term goal is to buy a villa. Right now, what I want most is a car in the million-yuan range. Look, I’m looking at it now.”
He Miao swirled her wine glass, her eyes slightly unfocused: "My materialistic desires aren't that obvious. I just hope He Tian's company goes public soon, so I can lie back and collect money, and spend my days eating and drinking all over the world..."
Yi Yi pursed her lips and lowered her voice: "You mean... this kind of desire?"
Ding Xiaojuan immediately caught the subtlety in her tone, raised her eyebrows, and looked over with a mischievous smile: "So what kind of desire do you think it is?"
“It must be ‘that kind’!” He Miao also came over, her eyes sparkling with teasing.
"No! None of those!" Yi Yi's cheeks flushed slightly as she denied it, but it only made her seem more guilty.
"Oh, you're embarrassed now?" He Miao laughed heartily. "What's wrong with that! Isn't it said that women who have given birth are even more..."
"Stop!" Yi Yi grabbed a cushion and threw it over.
Ding Xiaojuan smiled and brushed her aside, her gaze sweeping over Yi Yi's face with the sharp incision of a lawyer examining evidence: "Your complexion looks a bit...dry lately. Is your sex life not going well?" Her question was direct, but not in an embarrassing way; instead, it conveyed the open concern of sisters.
Yi Yi's face turned even redder. She picked up her water glass and took a big gulp, then changed the subject: "Um...where are you planning to go for the Spring Festival?"
“Look, this is her!” He Miao pointed at Yi Yi and smiled at Ding Xiaojuan, “You change the subject as soon as you get to the heart of the matter.”
"Alright, alright, stop teasing her." Ding Xiaojuan knew when to stop, elegantly cutting off a small piece of steak. "Privacy, privacy. Even though we've all been there, we can't be too unrestrained. Enough is enough."
After the initial suggestion of "knowing when to stop," the topic, like a seed, quietly took root in Yi Yi's heart. That night, lying beside Zhuang Jia, listening to his even breathing, she found herself wide awake.
Do I... still have desires?
Once, I seemed to have a little desire, craving his tenderness, and indulging in the pleasure of physical intimacy. But when did all of that fade away overnight? I refuse whenever I can, and if it can last three minutes, I'll never drag it out to five. Where did the me who used to dim the lights, choose music, and have a drink to create the right atmosphere go? Where did the me who still had desires a few days before giving birth go?
Is it the exhaustion from breastfeeding every two or three hours postpartum and never getting enough sleep? Is it the feeling of being physically and mentally drained even without doing anything? Is it the anxiety and tension caused by irregular menstruation and fear of accidents? Is it the vicious cycle of him getting hurt and angry after she rejected him several times, leading to him becoming increasingly indifferent? Or is it when he is too tired to take care of himself and ignores her feelings?
In short, what I feel now is a "task," a procedure that must be completed, something that must be done, not something I want to do.
Is this kind of mental illness? Listening to what they said, it seems like I'm the only one who's abnormal? Should I see a doctor? But which doctor should I see? What should I say? What will others think of me?
"I'm not a child who hasn't grown up." She shook her head, mocking her own weakness. Lost in thought, she drifted off to sleep without realizing it. She didn't even know how Zhuang Jia, reeking of alcohol, got into bed when he returned in the middle of the night. In her sleep, she instinctively pushed away that heavy, smoky body and turned her back to him.
"So you despise me like this, huh?" Zhuang Jia, drunk, finally uttered words he would never normally say. "Then don't regret it later! The world isn't going to stop turning without you." He stubbornly tried to turn Yi Yi around, his movements laced with the arrogance of drunkenness.
Yi Yi was woken up, feeling annoyed, and instinctively kicked him: "Leave me alone! I have to get up early tomorrow."
The kick landed squarely on Zhuang Jia's stomach. He cried out in pain, "Ouch!" The sound startled Yi Yi awake.
Zhuang Jia clutched his stomach, the alcohol and pain making him blurt out, "What do you mean, 'get up early'? You don't even have a job!"
These words were like ice water poured over Yi Yi's head, instantly sobering her up and chilling her heart. "Can't you get up early if you don't have to go to work?" Her voice was calm, but it carried a coldness.
"Is it more important to do what you're supposed to do, or to get up early?"
“What is ‘what I should do’? To satisfy you? Then what am I? Was I hired by you with money?” She finally brought out the thorn in her heart.
"You're always like this, I'm not far from spending money to find someone else!" The alcohol amplified Zhuang Jia's anger and grievances.
"Then go find it." Yi Yi turned around, her voice cold and hard. "I didn't stop you." After saying that, she turned away, closed her eyes, and ignored him.
Zhuang Jia turned around angrily, the mattress creaking as he did so, muttering under his breath, "Fine, whatever! Don't blame me. I'm in the prime of my life..."
The cursing gradually subsided and was replaced by snoring.
Yi Yi, with her eyes open, stared at the blurry ceiling in the darkness until dawn broke.
Later, just as she was drifting off to sleep, the alarm clock rang. She was so sleepy, she turned it off, set a ten-minute reminder, and tried to doze off a little longer. But Zhuang Jia pressed down on her, completely forgetting the unpleasantness of the previous night, and said with a grin, "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Let's do some morning exercises..."
Seeing his enthusiastic expression, Yi Yi swallowed back the refusal that was on the tip of her tongue. A thought flashed through her mind: "If you can't resist, then try to enjoy it." She tried to convince herself with this kind of self-suggestion.
Afterwards, Zhuang Jia fell asleep contentedly. Yi Yi, however, lay there, feeling empty inside, even with a strange sense of detachment. The self that catered to him and the self that was indifferent and resistant inside seemed to have become two separate people.
Could I... really be schizophrenic? This thought startled even herself.
She quietly got up, went to the living room, poured a large glass of ice water, and gulped it down. The cold liquid slid down her esophagus, but it couldn't calm the turmoil in her heart.
Outside the window, the city is awakening, lights are going out one by one, and the first light of dawn is breaking.
She looked at her blurry reflection in the glass; her face showed weariness, confusion, and a numbness she didn't want to delve into.
The initial spark of desire may have long since been worn down and covered in dust by the daily grind of life, by the repeated, weary rejections and awkward demands. Is it still there? What should it look like? She doesn't know.
All she knew was that at that moment, she just wanted to be alone in peace.
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