29. Find it
For the next two weeks, Yi Yi's life was like being wound up tight.
At five in the morning, she went for a run. Rain or shine. Five kilometers, her pace gradually increasing from eight and a half minutes per kilometer to seven and a half minutes per kilometer. Sweat soaked through her workout clothes, her heart pounded heavily in her chest, and her lungs burned. But it was precisely this almost self-torturing physical sensation that made her truly feel that she was still "alive," still fighting against something. After the run, although her body was exhausted, her mind experienced a brief, emptied clarity.
Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She began to seriously study nutritional balance, downloading a meal planning app to calculate calories and nutrients. Breakfast was no longer just simple bread and milk, but included oats, chia seeds, berries, and high-quality protein. She also adjusted her and Zhuang Jia's lunchboxes, increasing vegetables and healthy fats while reducing refined carbohydrates.
Meanwhile, she began sending out resumes intensively. Her goals were no longer unrealistic; instead, she targeted positions that seemed to have lower barriers to entry but offered opportunities to learn new things: new media editor, content planning assistant, video copywriter… She even interviewed for a short video director position at a small MCN agency. They were somewhat interested in her past writing experience but bluntly stated, “What we need is a knack for online trends, the ability to produce results quickly, and an understanding of platform rules and traffic dynamics. You… might be a little too ‘orthodox’.”
In the other person's words, "正" was probably a euphemism for "traditional," "conservative," and "not internet-savvy enough." Yi Yi wasn't discouraged. Instead, after returning home, she began studying the copywriting techniques, editing rhythms, and topic settings of viral short videos. She registered a new account and tried writing scripts herself, creating simple videos using mobile editing software. She was clumsy, but she was learning.
She calmly showed these changes to Zhuang Jia. She no longer deliberately talked about them, nor did she hide her efforts. After a run, she would go straight to take a shower; when researching new recipes, she would make an extra portion for him to critique; when studying videos on the computer late into the night, she wouldn't deliberately turn off the lights.
Zhuang Jia's initial reaction was cautious observation, tinged with doubt and uncertainty. He watched her get up early and leave, watched her practice exercises on the fitness app on her phone, watched the increasingly "healthy" but perhaps not so delicious food on her plate, and watched the video interfaces on her computer screen that were completely unfamiliar to him.
He tried asking, "Is there any progress on that job?"
"I'm waiting for news, and I'm also learning some new things," Yi Yi replied succinctly.
What should we learn?
"Short video related content: copywriting and editing."
“Oh.” Zhuang Jia nodded, not delving any further. He knew nothing about this field, offering neither advice nor objections. But he could sense that Yi Yi’s near-dead depression of the past few days was being replaced by a quiet, continuous “busyness.” This busyness was different from the usual mundane housework; it was outward-oriented and had a clear purpose.
One evening, Yi Yi was frowning at her computer screen in her study, repeatedly revising a fifteen-second script for a voiceover, feeling it wasn't quite right. Zhuang Jia passed by with a water glass, stopped and watched for a while.
“Here,” he suddenly pointed to a line of text on the screen, “the phrase ‘ultimate experience’ seems a bit empty, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t ‘like the first time we met’ feel better?” He spoke hesitantly, after all, this wasn’t his area of expertise.
Yi Yi paused for a moment, then carefully considered the description. Indeed, "like the first time we met" was more concrete and resonated more deeply than "ultimate experience." She looked up at Zhuang Jia and nodded, "Yes, that makes sense. Thank you."
Two simple words, "Thank you." No further exchange. Zhuang Jia seemed somewhat surprised, touched his nose, and walked away.
But that night, when Yi Yi turned off her computer and returned to her bedroom, she found a glass of warm milk on her bedside table. Zhuang Jia was already asleep with his back to her.
The warmth of the milk, seeping through the glass, soothed my palm.
On Friday night, Kai Kai went to Haha's house to play. It was rare for just the two of us at home. Dinner was pan-fried salmon with asparagus, made by Yi Yi according to a new recipe. The presentation was exquisite, and the taste was light.
After dinner, Zhuang Jia didn't immediately rush to his study or pick up his phone as usual. He washed the dishes, wiped the countertop clean, went to the living room, and sat down on the single sofa next to Yi Yi. The TV was on, playing trivial news at a very low volume.
After a somewhat deliberate silence, Zhuang Jiaqing cleared his throat.
“I… talked to that private company again.” He began, his gaze not on her, but fixed on a potted plant on the coffee table.
Yi Yi looked up from the book in her hands: "Oh? How is it?"
"The terms are better than what we offered last time. The position is vice president, in charge of marketing, and the salary... has increased by forty percent." Zhuang Jia spoke slowly, as if carefully choosing his words. "However, the pressure will definitely be much greater. After all, it's a private company, and performance is very directly driven. Moreover, its industry standing is incomparable to our current company."
Yi Yi closed the book and looked at him seriously: "What do you think?"
“I…” Zhuang Jia rubbed his fingers together, a gesture that betrayed his uncertainty. “I’m a little hesitant. The pay is high, the position is good, it’s an opportunity. But the risks are also high. I don’t know much about the situation there, and the corporate culture is said to be quite… wolf-like. My current company, although the upward mobility seems smaller, is stable, the platform is good, and I can control the intensity and pace of the work.”
For once, he openly discussed his career dilemmas with her. This was no longer the perfunctory response he used to give, such as "You wouldn't understand even if I told you" or "I can handle it."
“If you only look at the immediate future, staying where you are is the safest option,” Yi Yi said slowly. “But if you look at the long term, your current platform's upward mobility is indeed nearing its end. Unless a miracle happens, like your boss suddenly getting promoted, jumping ship is a gamble on a possibility, but it could also lead to disaster.” She paused. “The key question is, do you still have that ‘want to take a chance’ drive? Or do you prefer stability and want to focus more on your family and life?”
She threw the question back at him without offering clear advice on whether or not to jump. This was his career, and he needed to figure out for himself what the kernel driver was.
Zhuang Jia fell silent. He was indeed struggling between seeking stability and being unwilling to accept his fate. In middle age, family ties, fear of unknown risks, and attachment to his current comfort zone were all pulling him in different directions. At the same time, the anxiety of falling behind his peers and the desire for a higher position and income occasionally surfaced and stung him.
"I don't know either," he finally said honestly, with a hint of weariness. "Sometimes I think, 'Let it be, it's fine as it is.' Other times I feel... stifled." He looked at Yi Yi. "What do you think? If I go there, I'll be busier, under more pressure, and probably have to travel more often for work, making it even harder to take care of my family. What... what do you think?"
This question is not just about career choices; it's more like a probe into the redistribution of family responsibilities, and whether she is willing and able to take on more when he might be "on the front lines."
Yi didn't answer immediately. She picked up her water glass and took a sip. The water was just the right temperature.
“If you really want to go, and feel it’s a better opportunity, I support you.” She put down her water glass, her tone calm. “We can adjust things at home. Kai Kai is older now, and he can be more independent in many things. I myself… am also looking for direction. I may not find a great job, but at least I won’t put all my focus and pressure on the family and on you like before.” She met his gaze. “We both need to find our own ‘core’ besides being ‘father,’ ‘mother,’ ‘husband,’ and ‘wife.’ Your career is one of your cores, and I’m looking for mine too. That way, perhaps we can both be more… relaxed, and our expectations of each other won’t be so heavy, and we won’t be so easily disappointed.”
These words, spoken calmly and steadily, were like a gentle yet firm current, washing away some of the entrenched misunderstandings between them. She wasn't spitefully saying "Do whatever you want, I don't care," nor was she professing loyalty by saying "Go ahead, I'll support you." She was stating a new possibility: two people, each finding and solidifying their own center of gravity, and then, on that foundation, rebuilding a healthier, more resilient symbiotic relationship.
Zhuang Jia stared at her, as if seeing for the first time the logic and power behind her words. The image of his wife, blurred by her identity as a "housewife" and filled with anxiety and dependence, seemed to be fading away, revealing a woman beneath who was once familiar yet seemed to have been a stranger for a long time—a woman with a clear core and her own thoughts.
After a long silence, he nodded, very softly, but very solemnly.
"Let me think about it some more," he said.
That night, they didn't discuss anything further. But something had already begun to loosen and shift in the silence. Not a fierce clash, but a slow, tentative approach.
Before going to bed, Yi Yi, as usual, swallowed the supplements prescribed by the doctor to help regulate her hormones and calcium. The pills were a bit large and got stuck in her throat, so she frowned and drank water to swallow them.
"Is the medicine... alright?" Zhuang Jia asked, her voice coming from behind.
"It's alright, just a little hard to swallow," Yi Yi said without turning around.
"Okay." Zhuang Jia responded, and after a while, added, "It'll be colder tomorrow, so wear more layers if you're going for a run."
"knew."
The conversation ended. The bedroom fell into darkness.
The sound of the wind outside the window seemed clearer than usual. Yi Yi opened her eyes, feeling the unseen changes and struggles within her body, and also feeling the clumsy, carefully expressed concern from the man beside her.
The road ahead remains unclear. Health problems, career direction, and marital repair—none of these can be easily resolved.
But at least, she was no longer passively and desperately trapped in the same place. She started running, started searching, and started talking. And the man who had always turned his back to her, or tried to "correct" her in his own way, seemed to finally stop, turn around, and try to understand the path she was on, and perhaps even consider adjusting his own direction.
Was this a turning point? Yi Yi didn't know. A turning point might not be a suddenly clear path, but rather, in the fog-shrouded wilderness, a faint but persistent glimpse of a lamp flickering in the hand of another person in the distance. Knowing that one is not alone, knowing that the direction forward can be discussed and adjusted—this in itself is the most precious light in the darkness.
The night was still long. But this time, she didn't feel so cold anymore.
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