51 Those words "I care about you" that should have been said earlier
Jin Lang's Adam's apple rolled. He picked up the wine glass, tilted his head back and took a big gulp. The black liquid slid down the wall of the glass like a winding, silent tear. The alcohol burned his throat, but miraculously diluted the strong emotions surging in his chest. When he spoke again, his voice had returned to calm. "Our family is a very traditional model where the man works outside and the woman works inside." His eyes were vague and unfocused. "My father has always been the backbone of my mother. After he got into trouble, my mother ran back and forth between home and the hospital every day, and she was... very strong." When the word "strong" came out of his lips, the corner of his mouth twitched uncontrollably. Liu Yuwei noticed that the blue veins on the side of his neck bulged, as if strangled by some invisible rope. "Even at my dad's farewell ceremony, my mom didn't cry her heart out like I'd imagined. After everything was settled, my mom calmly told me that her and my dad's fate in this life had come to an end, but we had to find a way to get on with our lives." "I thought she didn't have an emotional breakdown, that her silence and restraint meant she was fine." He returned to his senses and looked at Liu Yuwei. Their eyes met, and Liu Yuwei felt as if something was shattering in his eyes. "So after taking care of my dad's social security, bank card, household registration, and a bunch of other miscellaneous matters, I said the teacher was pressing me to submit my final project and I needed to go back to school." His fingers lingered in the small, sunken hole in the wooden table. "On the day I returned to Shanghai, she insisted on seeing me off to the station. She reassured me that I couldn't delay my graduation. Before I left, I even gave some fruit to the neighbors, hoping they'd help take care of my mom." "The next day, I grabbed my passport from school and headed straight to the airport. While waiting in line at security, I got a call from a neighbor." He paused, as if something was stuck in his throat, then spoke slowly. "My gut told me something was wrong with my mom." His voice was as light as a falling feather, yet it struck Liu Yuwei's heart hard. "When I returned to the Acropolis, my mom lay quietly in her hospital bed, exactly as my dad had been when he passed away." "There was also a critical illness notice waiting for me." He said this, and suddenly smiled, a slightly twisted smile at the corner of his mouth, as if suppressed despair danced on the edge of collapse. "The doctor said she was rushed to the hospital in time, but whether she can survive depends on her mother's willpower." "The neighbors said that my mother tried her best to maintain her composure in front of me. For her, the real grief only began after she had received everyone and even sent me off." "I was...
Jin Lang's Adam's apple rolled. He picked up the wine glass and took a big gulp. The black liquid slid down the wall of the glass like a winding and silent tear mark.
The alcohol burned his throat, but it miraculously diluted the strong emotions surging in his chest. When he spoke again, his voice had returned to calm.
"Our family is a very traditional model where the man works outside and the woman stays at home."
His gaze was vague and unfocused.
"My dad has always been my mom's rock. After he got into the accident, my mom ran back and forth between home and the hospital every day. She was incredibly strong."
When the word "strong" escaped his lips, the corner of his mouth twitched uncontrollably. Liu Yuwei noticed that the vein on the side of his neck was bulging, as if it was being strangled by some invisible rope.
"Even at my dad's farewell ceremony, my mom didn't cry as heartbreakingly as I'd imagined. After everything was settled, my mom calmly told me that her and my dad's fate in this life had come to an end, but we still had to find a way to get on with our lives."
"I thought she wasn't having an emotional breakdown, and I thought her silence and restraint meant she was okay."
He came back to his senses and looked at Liu Yuwei. Their eyes met, and Liu Yuwei felt as if something in his eyes was shattering.
"So after I finished dealing with a bunch of miscellaneous matters like my dad's social security, bank card, and household registration, I said my teacher was pressing me to submit my final project and I needed to go back to school."
His fingers moved back and forth in the small indentation on the wooden table.
"On the day I returned to Shanghai, she insisted on seeing me off to the station. She reassured me that I wouldn't miss graduation. Before I left, I gave some fruit to the neighbors, hoping they could help take care of my mom."
"The next day I got my passport from school and went straight to the airport. But while I was waiting in line at security, I received a call from my neighbor."
He paused suddenly, as if something was stuck in his throat, and then spoke slowly again.
"My intuition told me that something happened to my mother."
His voice was as light as a falling feather, but it hit Liu Yuweixin hard.
"When I returned to the Acropolis, my mother was lying quietly on the hospital bed, exactly the same as when my father passed away."
"There is also a critical illness notice waiting for me."
When he said this, he suddenly smiled, and the corners of his mouth formed a slightly twisted arc, as if the despair that had been suppressed to the extreme was dancing on the edge of collapse.
"The doctor said that she was brought in for emergency treatment in good time, but whether she can survive depends on her willpower."
"My neighbor said that my mother tried her best to maintain her composure in front of me. For her, the real grief only began after she had received everyone and even sent me off."
"I was really stunned at the time. I thought I was having a nightmare and slapped myself hard several times, scaring the doctors and relatives."
Liu Yuwei's heart suddenly contracted, and she seemed to be able to see the red palm print on his cheek.
"Everyone around me looked at me with sympathy, pulled my arms and told me not to fall down, and that I had to be strong."
"But my head is buzzing. Those voices are like the rising tide, trying to drown me!"
"I ran to the moat beside the hospital to be alone. I ran into a girl walking there with a patient. Her back looked so much like you.
His voice suddenly became soft, his eyes fell on Liu Yuwei's face, and then quickly moved away.
"I suddenly want to hear your voice," he said softly, almost inaudibly, "I want to ask if you can leave me alone."
Liu Yuwei only felt his throat tighten, and a sour emotion surged up.
"But I didn't receive your call, did you call?"
His breathing suddenly became rapid.
"I called you several times, but you kept turning off your phone."
"Then you can leave me a message!" Liu Yuwei blurted out.
"I tried!" Jin Lang's voice was broken, "but you deleted me..."
Liu Yuwei then remembered that after the breakup, she couldn't help but open the chat dialog box every day. She didn't know what she was expecting. She was angry at herself for being so useless, so she simply deleted Jin Lang and disappeared from her sight. Out of sight, out of mind. Although she regretted it later, he didn't contact her again after all. She felt that she had put too much effort into this relationship.
Everything seems like a coincidence of fate.
Jin Lang stroked the edge of his phone. On the black screen, he could still see the message he couldn't send. His voice was low and hoarse, and he spoke each word with difficulty.
"Looking at the line of text that couldn't be sent and the red exclamation mark, I realized that maybe you really fell in love with someone else."
"During those days, I felt like a drowning man, living between reality and illusion every day. I tried science, metaphysics, materialism, and idealism..."
His pupils dilated slightly, as if he had returned to that white hell filled with the smell of disinfectant.
"I don't understand why it's me, fate is so unfair!"
His voice suddenly rose, then fell back to a low pitch, and his shoulders slumped.
"But when you're in the hospital, you constantly see people recovering with a smile, and people passing away in tears. Life and death are just a matter of a split second, so I also feel that regrets in life are probably a script written in advance by God."
Jin Lang suddenly picked up the cup and drank it all in one gulp, as if he needed the alcohol to say what was next.
"I told myself that mishaps are the norm in life. If we're destined to meet again, maybe my dad and I can be father and son in our next life."
Liu Yuwei saw his eyelashes trembling slightly in the dim light. The next second, he suddenly raised his eyes and looked straight into her eyes.
"But now that I think about it, many of the choices I made back then weren't so much about considering you or worrying you, but rather about me not daring to face my own cowardice."
The band's singer left the stage for a break, leaving only the saxophonist playing a blues tune. The sad melody, wrapped in a sigh, penetrated the ear bones. Jin Lang's voice became even clearer.
"I thought those white lies and concealed emotions were a sign of maturity. I disguised those unspoken concerns and fears about the future as consideration for you."
His tone was full of self-mockery, "Self-righteous and self-touched."
"I was so afraid of losing you at that time that I pushed you away in the most wrong way."
Jin Lang's voice suddenly choked, and he took a deep breath, as if he was about to dive into the deep sea.
"Luckily, my mother finally survived, but her health was not very good during those years."
"Every time I accompany her to the hospital for a checkup, I can always picture myself at the airport looking for you..."
He tapped his temples lightly with his fingertips. "Those words that should have been said but weren't, those moments that I didn't try to save, keep reappearing here, gnawing at my sleepiness in the middle of the night."
"What about meeting again by chance, God's will, destiny? That's all just deceiving yourself. It's obviously because I didn't give you enough sense of security, and it's obviously because I didn't have the courage to fight for it."
The tail notes of the saxophone vibrated in the air. Jin Lang raised his head and looked at Liu Yuwei sincerely. He deliberately slowed down his speech, and each word seemed to be carefully considered.
"In fact, true care is never about making choices for others, but telling the truth even if it makes you nervous. It's not about passively waiting for fate to do something, but about doing your best even for a one in ten thousand chance."
Tears welled up in his eyes, his Adam's apple rolled with difficulty, and his voice seemed to be squeezed out from deep in his chest, breaking into pieces.
"Unfortunately, I wasn't honest or brave enough back then, leaving you to bear so much uncertainty alone."
He suddenly stopped and cleared his throat, as if to swallow back the sobs. He changed the subject, but his voice still trembled.
"Also, you just said that our relationship started with a game. If there wasn't Truth or Dare, should I just pretend I knew nothing?"
He chuckled and shook his head, "That's not the case, Xiaoyu."
"You once asked me when I fell in love with you, but I really can't tell you an exact moment."
The corners of his mouth unconsciously curled up into a gentle arc.
"Maybe you've lived in my heart for a long time, but I just can't tell."
"One time, I was chatting with you, and my roommate pushed the door open and asked me why I was so happy. I hadn't realized why I was so happy. But when I turned around and glanced at myself in the mirror, I was surprised to find that I was smiling so relaxed and brightly."
"Then I read a book that said we fall in love with someone because there's a gap in our hearts that needs a suitable shape to fill it. When I read that, the first person I thought of was you."
Jin Lang suddenly sat up straight, his eyes burning.
"So, even if there's no truth or dare, I'll still come to you."
"I didn't go to Jingbei just to attend the conference. I went there because I wanted to find you."
When Liu Yuwei heard this, an expression of disbelief appeared on his face, and his round black eyes reflected the other party's regret.
Jin Lang smiled bitterly, like a fallen leaf hit by autumn frost.
"I thought you knew what I meant even if I didn't say it. It seems that's not the case..."
He spoke slowly, as if asking a question, but also as if blaming himself.
"It must be very hard for you to be with me."
Liu Yuwei didn't know how to answer. Memories flooded back like a tide. She had clearly been very happy that year, and the occasional anxiety and fear of loss seemed to be almost fleeting. Back then, there was a popular saying online: "It takes a hundred years to cultivate He Yichen, and a thousand years to cultivate Li Daren." She truly felt that Jin Lang was her "good friend."
Jin Lang spoke again, pulling Liu Yuwei out of her memories.
"Actually, I came to Berlin this time because I wanted to fight for another chance with you, a chance to get to know me again, or even a chance to be together again."
"But we talked so much tonight, and I know how you used to feel about me, and I know how wrong I was before."
His eyes became unusually gentle.
"I just want to tell you now, Xiaoyu, no matter whether that person is me or not, you deserve to be taken seriously and chosen firmly."
He took a deep breath.
"I still owe you a real 'sorry' for my escape back then, and for those 'I care about you' that I should have said a long time ago."
Liu Yuwei felt like he had walked into a deserted, abandoned garden, withered and dilapidated, but among the withered and fallen weeds stood a golden sunflower, out of place, yet full of vitality.
She pursed her red lips, as if she wanted to say something, but she couldn't utter a word.
Jin Lang was afraid that she would feel embarrassed, so he added softly.
"You don't have to rush to respond. It's already very important to me that you can say these words."
Author's Note
Lazy Cat on the Cloud
author
04-24
It's late again, ahhhh! Good night, I'll get up tomorrow morning to catch bugs. The rally has begun, I hope the friends who accompany me silently will not leave, love you all
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