30. Passion/Desire
You love me, don't you?
Song Qinggui only recently discovered that in her past life, she did not understand "love/desire".
This wasn't because she was a particularly "innocent" woman, but because when a person's survival is facing enormous challenges, they simply don't have time to think about things in bed.
Her first "relationship" was with Cheng Wuliang. At that time, she had recently escaped Cangcheng, had just come of age, and the financial pressure of pursuing her studies had just eased somewhat when the heavy burden of Meng Yuxing's illness quickly fell on her shoulders. She didn't understand what love was at all, and initially had no genuine feelings for Cheng Wuliang; she was only after his money.
Using Cheng Wuliang wasn't the first time she had sold her morals and dignity, but it was the first time she realized that she might spend the rest of her life living this kind of life, using her body to serve others for money. So when that kiss happened during the truth or dare game, she felt intense self-loathing and instinctively rejected intimacy.
Later, when she got together with Yan Fengqian, she had grown a lot. She used reason to force herself to become a mature woman mentally, and she knew that food and sex are human nature, so kissing became less difficult.
However, she disliked the smell of tobacco on Yan Fengqian's body and in his mouth, and was also afraid of the potential pathogens that Yan Fengqian's womanizing ways might bring.
She and Yan Fengqian had many arguments about this.
She didn't understand why a man's lust could come so easily and so intensely, and why Yan Fengqian could try to tear her clothes after any kiss that was anything but comfortable or romantic.
At first, Yan Fengqian was able to remain rational and stop in time when Song Qinggui refused, but later Song Qinggui's refusal only deepened Yan Fengqian's anger.
Song Qinggui knew that a relationship that only involves talking but not sleeping together was an unhealthy one. Yan Fengqian's demands on her were not excessive, but she really couldn't convince herself to "share a husband" with so many women.
So all she could do was try to help him sign one cooperation agreement after another with medical institutions, using economic benefits to make up for her absence in the intimate relationship.
But Song Qinggui knew that this was not a long-term solution.
In their fourth year of dating, she and Yan Fengqian finally had their most intense conflict yet.
"Song Qinggui, what are you pretending to be, this virtuous and chaste woman? I've tolerated you for so long, I've spoiled you enough!" After the kiss, Yan Fengqian said with red eyes, "If you're so unwilling to let me sleep with you, then if you're so capable, then don't be with me, and don't spend my money!"
Song Qinggui simply straightened his collar, which had been crumpled by him: "Go get a physical exam, check for HIV, syphilis, hepatitis B, and all of those. Give me the report, and I'll sleep with you."
Upon hearing this, Yan Fengqian went berserk. His eyes filled with tears as he reached out and grabbed her hair: "You think I'm dirty? Song Qinggui, what am I, Yan Fengqian, in your eyes?!"
A sharp pain shot through Song Qinggui's scalp, but his expression remained numb: "How many women have you slept with these past few years? Can you even count them yourself? I just want to protect myself. Is that too much to ask?"
Tears streamed down Yan Fengqian's face. It was the first time Song Qinggui had ever seen Yan Fengqian cry. However, the face behind those tears was not fragile; instead, it revealed a morbid ferocity: "Song Qinggui, do you think you're clean? Cleaner than me? Cleaner than those women who slept with me? Let me tell you, you're far dirtier than them. They took the money and knew what price to pay; at least they were upright. Unlike you, you act like a prostitute while pretending to be virtuous!"
After saying that, he kissed me again, or rather, it was almost a biting kiss.
Song Qinggui had a premonition that if she didn't do something soon, what would likely happen to her next was a rape.
So she struggled with all her might to break free from Yan Fengqian, grabbed the fruit knife from the coffee table, and held it to her neck.
The knife tip pierced a small patch of skin on Song Qinggui's neck, and blood congealed into beads, slowly seeping out.
Yan Fengqian was clearly taken aback by this scene and was momentarily stunned.
Song Qinggui simply gripped the knife hilt tightly, looking at Yan Fengqian with tears streaming down her face. She said, word by word, "Fengqian, go get a medical checkup. As long as all the results are fine, I'll sleep with you, however you want. You know me, I always keep my word."
Yan Fengqian was initially taken aback by Song Qinggui's extreme behavior, but upon hearing his words, he suddenly laughed, though his eyes remained red.
He picked up his suit jacket draped over the back of the chair and left dejectedly.
As he was leaving, he murmured, "Qinggui, is this even considered a relationship? Ha... How ridiculous."
Three days after the conflict, Mrs. Yan came to her with a check for two million.
...
Xue Lu was unaware that during the period of his cold war with Song Qinggui, Song Qinggui and Yan Fengqian had met once.
One early autumn weekend, Song Qinggui received a WeChat message from Yan Fengqian: "Are you free? Would it be convenient for us to meet?"
Just as Song Qinggui was about to type his refusal, Yan Fengqian sent his next message: "Don't overthink it. I just feel that we need a more dignified farewell."
Song Qinggui hesitated for a long time with his fingertip hovering over the phone screen before finally replying, "Okay."
She and Yan Fengqian arranged to meet at a coffee shop in a new commercial district. The shopping mall across the street had not yet opened, so there weren't many people around.
Song Qinggui had initially thought the meeting would be awkward, but it turned out to be not.
Yan Fengqian was in a very sunny mood that day, and he ordered her favorite hand-drip coffee.
Song Qinggui took a sip, and Yan Fengqian joked, "I really don't know what's so good about coffee, it's so bitter."
Song Qinggui smiled. Before, when she and Yan Fengqian went to a coffee shop, he only drank hot cocoa.
"Qinggui, I'm getting engaged." Yan Fengqian looked at her with a smile, a smile that carried a hint of happiness and a touch of bitterness.
At this moment, workers from the shopping mall across the street began working at height. They unfurled a huge poster, the latest promotional poster for a luxury brand, featuring the most popular female celebrity recently.
Song Qinggui looked at the alluring Xu Xiaofeng in the poster: "Is this Miss Xu?"
Yan Fengqian also looked at the poster and nodded: "Yes. She has loved me for many years. As such a big star, I can't bear to let her hopes be dashed."
Song Qinggui's lips also curved into a smile. Yan Fengqian had many women, but Xu Xiaofeng was indeed the one who loved him the most.
When she was still with Yan Fengqian, Xu Xiaofeng approached Song Qinggui after a banquet and said that Yan Fengqian seemed like a playboy, but was actually a good person, and that she should treat him well.
Song Qinggui had been harassed by Yan Fengqian's various female confidantes, but Xu Xiaofeng was the only one who was somewhat humble when facing Song Qinggui.
"You're really lucky," Song Qinggui commented honestly. "Miss Xu truly loves you, and she's a very kind woman."
Yan Fengqian's gaze softened, and he nodded in agreement: "That's why I want to treat her well. This time... I also want to try loving someone healthily and faithfully."
Song Qinggui neither agreed nor disagreed, but simply nodded slowly.
"By the way, I came here this time to give you something." Yan Fengqian took out a few sheets of paper from his bag.
Song Qinggui accepted it without understanding why.
Yan Fengqian: "After we had that argument, I went for a medical check-up the next day, and this is the report. I haven't been unfaithful since..."
Song Qinggui looked at the all-negative results, then folded them up and handed them back to Yan Fengqian: "Give them to Xiaofeng, she needs to know."
Yan Fengqian paused for a moment, then took the report.
"It's getting late," Song Qinggui said, his eyes sincere. "Fengqian, congratulations on your engagement. I hope you will be happy, truly."
Did you ever love me?
Song Qinggui took a few steps when Yan Fengqian's voice suddenly came from behind him.
She turned around, and Yan Fengqian's smile froze, his voice trembling slightly: "In the four years we were together, did you ever love me...?"
Song Qinggui didn't think for long before frankly saying, "It's more about loyalty."
Regardless of what Yan Fengqian had done, Song Qinggui always remained loyal to him.
If it weren't for Yan Fengqian, Meng Yuxing might have died long ago, and she might have dropped out of school long ago.
This is why, when faced with such a dangerous and chaotic scene, she put the fruit knife to her own neck instead of pointing it at Yan Fengqian.
Yan Fengqian's eyes reddened again: "Then do you love Xue Lu?"
Song Qinggui lowered her head, Xue Lu's cold face appearing in her mind. After thinking for a long time, she looked up at Yan Fengqian.
"like."
The answer is short and confident.
Yan Fengqian raised his head, smiled self-deprecatingly, and then looked at Song Qinggui: "Qinggui, I also wish you happiness. You must... be happy."
...
From that moment on, Song Qinggui became aware of her feelings for Xue Lu. However, she didn't know when her cold war with Xue Lu would end, nor did she believe that her feelings could sustain this marriage, which also started with money and had impure motives.
So she never expected that she and Xue Lu would become so inseparable.
These past few days, Lawyer Xue has been checking Song Qinggui's "homework." If she can't kiss him to his heart's content, he will demonstrate it again and then make her start over.
Song Qinggui even had the illusion that she hadn't done anything else after get off work these past few days, and that almost all her valid memories were of kissing Xue Lu.
What frightened her most was that she could clearly feel her desires being gradually awakened by Xue Lu.
Her previous understanding of lust was very unhealthy; she thought lust was vicious and fierce, dirty and shameful. Because that was how she had perceived lust.
However, Xue Lu made her realize that lust was not like that.
Because of Xue Lu, she discovered for the first time that just the touch of their lips and tongues could arouse all the senses in their bodies. Just one kiss could make their body and soul feel intoxicated and intoxicated.
On the other hand, Xue Lu's forbearance and restraint made Song Qinggui feel that men's desires might not be entirely vulgar.
When she and Xue Lu embraced and kissed deeply, she could feel the tension in Xue Lu's body and the rising tide of his passion. Yet, he remained gentle and restrained. Even at his most unbearable moment, he would only look at her with moist eyes and murmur in a low, hoarse voice, "Time is passing too slowly. Why isn't it my birthday yet..."
"I..." After a long kiss, Song Qinggui gasped in his arms, "I need more time to prepare..."
Song Qinggui was not lying; learning to accept and enjoy one's own desires is a lesson a woman needs to spend time studying.
"I know," Xue Lu said softly. "No rush."
...
Today was no different. After dinner, Xue Lu and Song Qinggui snuggled together on the sofa. They didn't say much to each other, but they felt that the other knew everything.
Silence is often a catalyst for ambiguity. Xue Lu couldn't help but lower his head and kiss her again. Song Qinggui began to feel the slight tremor in her body caused by pleasure.
"You've made some progress again today," Xue Lu commented.
Song Qinggui found a comfortable position and curled up in Xue Lu's arms: "Didn't you say you'd never been in a relationship before? How come you're so...adept..."
"Men are all the same. If you want to learn this, there are plenty of ways to do it. You don't have to be in a relationship."
"Adult videos?" Song Qinggui was too clever for his own good: "Then I want to watch them too."
Xue Lu chuckled: "There aren't many decent ones out there, and they're all pretty perverted. If you really want to watch them, I'll try to find a few normal ones, and we can watch them together..."
As Xue Lu spoke, his face began to flush.
Even though he was already a thirty-year-old man, this was the first time he had ever discussed such a thing with someone he liked.
"Song Qinggui," he called her name softly, "You love me, don't you?"
She had never told him she loved him, but he really needed an answer.
However, the person in his arms did not answer. He looked down and saw that she was asleep, quiet and innocent.
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