Chapter 52 A Selfish Coward. ...
The next day, the midday sun shone warmly, filling the room.
A person was lying on the sofa, completely covered from head to toe.
Under the blanket, the air continued to warm under the sun. Jiang Nuanyu was awakened from her sleep by the dryness in her throat, licked her lips, and turned over.
As she moved, a corner of the blanket slipped off, revealing her head. For a moment, even through her eyelids, the sunlight still stung her brain.
She sat up, supporting her head, and opened her eyes. She saw a glass of water on the coffee table, picked it up, and gulped it down.
Still feeling a little dizzy, she lay back down, covered her head, and tried to continue sleeping.
A few seconds later, she suddenly threw off the blanket, staring at a point on the ceiling, as if trying to remember something.
A few seconds later, she hurriedly sat up, her eyes searching around her, but there was no sign of her phone.
She didn't even put on shoes, ran barefoot to the entrance, and rummaged through her bag to find her phone.
Seeing the call log from last night to Liang Qi, it's no exaggeration to say that at that moment, she felt like dying.
Ye Ji's bag was still there, but she was nowhere to be seen in the living room. Jiang Nuanyu quickly slipped on her slippers and rushed into the bedroom.
Just then, she heard the sound of water flushing from the bathroom. She quickly went over and knocked on the door: "Ye Ji!"
"You're awake?" Ye Ji's voice came through the glass door. "Wait a minute, I need to pull up my pants."
Jiang Nuanyu continued banging on the door impatiently: "Come out first! Open the door!"
The door opened, and Ye Ji looked up to see Jiang Nuanyu holding her phone, with an expression that looked like the end of the world had come.
"Uh—" Ye Ji pursed his lips, twisting his waistband back and forth as he pondered how to explain to Jiang Nuanyu what happened after she got drunk last night.
“Hmm…” she took a breath and said decisively, “It’s exactly what you think.”
Based on the call logs and fragmented memories in her mind, Jiang Nuanyu confirmed, "I...I called Liang Qi?"
Ye Ji slowly raised his eyebrows, as if to say, "That's right."
Jiang Nuanyu hesitated before speaking, "He..."
Ye Ji calmly replied, "He went to the bar and then took you home."
A flicker of despair crossed Jiang Nuanyu's face, then, unwilling to give up, she cautiously asked, "Did I... say anything... that I shouldn't have?"
Ye Ji immediately understood what she cared about most and said directly, "Tell him to wait for you to come back."
"Ye Ji!!" Jiang Nuanyu stamped her feet in frustration. "Why didn't you stop me?!"
Ye Ji sighed and said, "Let's not even talk about whether I can stop you, you drunkard." She said, "Why should I stop you? I think you should have said so a long time ago, otherwise you would have choked to death."
As she spoke, she turned to wash up, and before putting her toothbrush in her mouth, she said, "So what if I said it? See, the sky didn't fall, did it?"
"It would have been better if it had collapsed..." Jiang Nuanyu leaned against the door frame, muttering to herself with a gloomy face.
She stood helplessly at the door for a while, glanced at Ye Ji, and moved slowly to her side. She placed her phone on the sink, picked up her toothbrush, but didn't squeeze any toothpaste onto it.
She rubbed her head, clearly wanting to ask something more.
Seeing her hesitant expression in the mirror, Ye Ji, exasperated, increased the frequency of brushing her teeth.
"Then did he..." Jiang Nuanyu finally mustered the courage to ask, "What did he say?"
Ye Ji's eyes widened, and he turned to look at her in disbelief.
She spat out the foam from her mouth, turned around, and held up her toothbrush, saying, "Jiang Nuanyu, you don't expect Liang Qi to talk about this kind of thing with you when you're this drunk, do you?"
Jiang Nuanyu was taken aback by her words and blinked at her.
“He didn’t say anything,” Ye Ji said truthfully, “but that doesn’t mean his attitude was negative.”
Jiang Nuanyu's face immediately fell.
Ye Ji was immediately helpless.
This person didn't hear the second half of what she said at all.
She rubbed her forehead and said, "Okay, then let's not see what he said for now."
Upon hearing this, Jiang Nuanyu raised her eyelids, her expression blank.
Ye Ji said, "You called him when you were drunk, and he asked for your address without saying a word. You were drunk and upset, crying your eyes out. On the way back, he comforted and took care of you like a child, and I didn't see the slightest impatience in him. Before leaving, he made sure I would stay with you before he left."
She sighed and said, "Liang Qi... he probably isn't the type to meddle in other people's business, is he?"
A few tears welled up in Jiang Nuanyu's eyes, but she refused to admit it: "He... he's a very gentlemanly person, the kind who's very considerate. He's very thoughtful and considerate to everyone."
Ye Ji narrowed his eyes, glanced at her, and asked, "And what about you?"
"What about me?"
Ye Ji said, "Do you even know how much you like him?"
Jiang Nuanyu was stunned.
"Do you know how dependent you are on him when you're drunk?" Ye Ji said. "Whether you know it or not, I know it. No matter how stubborn or hypocritical you are, it's no use. I saw it with my own eyes."
"If you insist on rationalizing things about him and about you when you're sober, using your so-called 'rationality,' then I won't say any more."
Ye Ji put the toothbrush back in her mouth, turned away, and looked like she didn't want to talk to her anymore.
Jiang Nuanyu lowered her head and remained silent, seemingly wavering for a moment.
But after a while, she said, "I'm leaving right away. It doesn't matter whether it's reasonable or not. Besides, he's not the kind of person who would be in a long-distance relationship."
She chuckled to herself, "I was so drunk yesterday, what I said made no sense at all. Why should I make people wait for me?"
Upon hearing this, Ye Ji quickly brushed her teeth a few times, rinsed her mouth hastily, and looked up to ask, "Did he tell you that himself?"
Jiang Nuanyu remained silent.
Ye Ji slammed the toothbrush into the cup and said, "He didn't tell you whether he likes you or whether he's the kind of person who wouldn't do a long-distance relationship. How can you deny the former and affirm the latter? Your premise is wrong."
Jiang Nuanyu was struck by her words and remained silent.
“Since things have come to this point,” Ye Ji said, “wasn’t your flight in the early morning? If you want to know what he’s thinking, you still have an afternoon and an evening to try and find out.”
"No," Jiang Nuanyu replied resolutely.
Ye Ji frowned: "Why are you being so stubborn? Who are you being stubborn with? Him? I doubt it. You're probably being stubborn with yourself!"
Ye Ji was genuinely worried for her, and her tone became harsh. Jiang Nuanyu followed suit with a "what the hell" attitude: "I'm the kind of person who's determined to succeed. Is that okay?"
Ye Ji was even more annoyed by her words: "You're completely insane! I can't be bothered to talk to you anymore."
Jiang Nuanyu was scolded and glared at her angrily, but couldn't utter a single word in rebuttal.
"Heh, so you're just trying to run away." Ye Ji sneered, saying irritably, "You don't dare tell him you're leaving, you don't dare say goodbye, you don't dare face his answer. But what good does it do to be afraid? It doesn't."
Jiang Nuanyu's temper and grievances flared up at the same time, and she said, "Then he can come to me too. If he wants to, why can't he?"
“I didn’t tell him I was leaving, but didn’t he find out yesterday? Whether it was just drunken ramblings or not, he heard me say it yesterday. So why isn’t he contacting me today? Why isn’t he asking me?” Her eyes were slightly red, and her lips were tightly pressed together. “His lack of contact is his response to me.”
"I—" Ye Ji was so confused by her logic that he couldn't speak for a moment.
"So stop criticizing me." Jiang Nuanyu turned her face away, but said without much confidence, "Don't say that all of this is my fault."
Ye Ji was silent for a few seconds, then nodded: "If you can really convince yourself with this rhetoric, fine, I won't interfere in your affairs. But I still have to say, you are just running away."
Neither of them would give in. Jiang Nuanyu's chest heaved as she suddenly said, "Aren't you the same way with Jingyao?"
This time, Ye Ji was stunned.
Jiang Nuanyu looked at her and said, "You want him to be inseparable from you, you want him to treat you as his only one, you want your relationship to either be pure or to perish. I feel the same way."
Ye Ji looked away and remained silent.
Jiang Nuanyu stubbornly said, "I want him to like me the way I like him. If I can do it, why can't he? Why can't I? If he can't do it, I'd rather—I'd rather we stay like this. We can never see each other again."
Ye Ji remained silent, seemingly calm. After a while, she silently turned on the tap and began washing her face.
After venting her anger, Jiang Nuanyu felt regret and guilt, and in her anger, she touched a raw nerve with Ye Ji. She was heartbroken and annoyed, and frowned in self-reproach.
After washing and drying her face, Ye Ji threw the washcloth into the basket. Seeing Jiang Nuanyu still standing there, she turned to leave.
She took a step, then stopped.
The two girls stood side by side, back to back, each with something on their mind, but waiting for the other to speak first.
Finally, Ye Ji turned around, snatched the toothbrush from Jiang Nuanyu's hand, and squeezed toothpaste onto it, saying, "You're right, this isn't just your problem."
Jiang Nuanyu lowered her eyes and listened quietly.
Ye Ji shoved the toothbrush back into her hand and said, "I only really got a sense of what kind of person Liang Qi is yesterday. He's too steady, too... too secretive and airtight. Someone like that might be a formidable figure, and charming enough, but as a lover..." She shook her head and didn't finish her sentence.
Jiang Nuanyu lowered her head, silently picking at the toothbrush handle with her fingers.
Ye Ji glanced at her and said, "Liking him isn't just your business. It's not as simple as you think. In relationships, no one doesn't want equal reciprocation."
"Think it over carefully. Think about whether someone like him is right for you. Think about it... if you can't get a clear answer from him, can you accept that?"
*
In the afternoon, Ye Ji was going to the studio for an assistant interview. After having lunch with Jiang Nuanyu, he left.
Jiang Nuanyu had already packed most of her luggage, leaving only her passport, charger, and other small items.
In the afternoon, she washed and dried the clothes she had worn the day before, and then took a shower.
After everything was ready, she did a final check of what she needed to bring, turned off all the doors and windows, the underfloor heating, and the water, electricity, and gas in the house, and then pushed her luggage out the door.
She closed the door and then locked it again.
She didn't let her parents come to Beijing to see her off; after going downstairs, she hailed a taxi using her phone.
The airport fare was a big one, and a driver quickly accepted the order.
She carried a shoulder bag and dragged two large suitcases in her hands. When she encountered steps, she had to lift them one by one.
The weather in Beijing has warmed up these past two days, and there's no wind. By the time she got to the entrance of her residential compound, a thin layer of sweat had formed on her forehead.
The taxi arrived before her, and the driver had already opened the trunk to save time.
Seeing that she was carrying two large suitcases, the driver helped her lift them into the car and casually asked, "Are you going on a long trip?"
Jiang Nuanyu didn't respond. After putting her luggage away, she said thank you and sat down in the back seat.
After the Spring Festival holiday, the air quality in Beijing seems to have improved. Outside the car window, the sky after sunset left a faint orange-red hue, making the bare tree branches on both sides of the street appear softer and more vibrant.
The taxi sped along, stopping and starting along the way, before finally reaching the airport expressway. By the time we arrived, it was already getting dark, and the horizon had changed from its earlier orange-red to a dull, hazy blue.
The driver glanced at the destination on the navigation and said, "T3, huh?" He asked through the rearview mirror, "Where are you flying to? International?"
"Mm." Jiang Nuanyu turned her gaze away from the window and replied politely.
"Europe or North America?" the driver asked again.
"Paris."
"Oh, the Air China flight around 2 o'clock?" the driver said. "Then you've come early enough."
Jiang Nuanyu was surprised that the driver even knew the specific flight details when the driver continued, "But you're a young girl, it might not be safe for you to take a taxi any later, right?"
Jiang Nuanyu smiled and said, "Anyway, I didn't have anything to do, so I came a little early."
The driver glanced at her in the rearview mirror again and said, "You look about the same age as my daughter. She's doing her master's in Frankfurt, and the academic pressure is immense. She stays up late every night, and every time she calls, she complains about losing a lot of hair. Are you going there to study too?"
Jiang Nuanyu usually doesn't chat much with taxi drivers, and even if she encounters a particularly talkative one, she'll just politely exchange a few words and move on. But at this moment, she answered, "No, I'm going to work."
The driver was quite surprised, nodded and said, "You're so young, that's quite remarkable."
Jiang Nuanyu lowered her head and smiled faintly: "I wouldn't say that."
The driver sighed softly, "It's not easy for someone to go abroad alone. There's the language barrier and the cultural differences. My daughter said she can't even make friends she can talk to."
Jiang Nuanyu did not respond.
The mentor added, "I can tell you don't talk much, and you came to the airport alone. If you encounter difficulties in your work or life, you should learn to talk to others about them instead of keeping them to yourself."
“Yes,” Jiang Nuanyu replied.
“Sigh, your generation of kids are capable, and you should be strong.” Perhaps feeling that Jiang Nuanyu and his daughter had something in common, the driver, who had been quiet for most of the journey, suddenly started talking. “The food there is different from ours. Don’t just eat whatever you can find. It’s not worth ruining your health.”
Hearing these words, Jiang Nuanyu's suppressed emotions were stirred up for some reason.
She took a deep breath to suppress her emotions and gave a complicated "hmm".
As they were talking, the car had already pulled over to the side of the road. The driver turned on his hazard lights, got out of the car, and helped with the luggage.
He pointed to the nearest entrance and said, "Just go through door number 10. The Air China check-in counter is right there. Don't take a detour with your two suitcases."
A cool evening breeze brushed against her face, but Jiang Nuanyu felt a warmth in her heart. Taking the suitcase, she sincerely said, "Thank you."
"Oh, you're welcome!" The driver closed the trunk, waved, and said, "Have a safe trip."
Jiang Nuanyu smiled at him and nodded, "Thank you."
After the car drove away, she turned around and went into the departure hall.
At that time, check-in for her flight hadn't started yet. Too lazy to drag her luggage around, she simply sat down in the nearest rest area.
She stared at her phone aimlessly for a while, finding it uninteresting. She glanced at the time on the screen and saw that only ten minutes had passed.
Time seemed to pass exceptionally slowly.
She left for the airport early, not because she had nothing to do, nor because, as the driver said, she was worried about the safety of taking a taxi late at night.
She simply thought that when she took her luggage and stepped into the airport, or perhaps even earlier, when she stepped out of her home, it meant that she had already "begun to leave".
Therefore, she had no other choice.
Not far away, flight numbers kept changing on an electronic screen. She stared blankly at it, her thoughts drifting, when her phone vibrated in her bag.
It was a message from Lin Zhiwei: "Pearl, are you about to leave for the airport? Remember to eat dinner. After you land and settle in, let your parents know you've arrived safely."
Jiang Nuanyu replied with an "Okay~" emoji, then typed and sent another message: "I'll eat on time!"
Although she said that, she actually had no appetite at the moment.
After putting her phone away, she took out her laptop from her bag, checked her email as usual to make sure there were no emails that required an immediate reply, and then began browsing through the notifications she had subscribed to.
Even during the month or so she was away from her job, she didn't stop learning about industry trends. She still habitually organized her thoughts into a memo after browsing the news, so that she could refer to and use them when she returned to work.
In a push email, an article about a designer's latest fashion show caught her attention.
She watched the entire show video and the designer's interview carefully, and then searched for the book that the designer mentioned as the source of inspiration, bought the e-book, and started reading it.
And so, time finally passed, minute by minute. When she looked up again, the screen showed that check-in for her flight was now open.
Although it was late at night, the departure hall was still bustling with people. After checking her luggage and passing through security and customs smoothly, she continued reading the book she hadn't finished earlier in a coffee shop near the boarding gate.
She didn't come to her senses and put away her laptop until the other passengers on her flight started getting up to queue for boarding.
Her seat was in the middle section near the aisle, so it wouldn't obstruct other people's passage. She had planned to sleep the whole way anyway, so she closed her eyes and started to drift off as soon as she sat down.
The flight was delayed for a while, and people were talking in hushed tones in the cabin. Besides Chinese and English, Jiang Nuanyu suddenly realized that she could understand a little bit of the French that was being spoken.
She should have felt somewhat relieved, since it meant she had the most basic ability to live in France, but an inexplicable melancholy was spreading through her heart.
Leaving Beijing for Paris was a choice she wanted to make, but also a choice she didn't want to face.
Ye Ji said she was avoiding the question of whether Liang Qi actually liked her. That's true, but not entirely.
Besides this, another reason she chose to run away was that she realized that even if she could confirm Liang Qi's feelings for her, and even if she had the opportunity to gain his equal affection in the future, she would still choose to leave him and go to Paris.
This made her secretly hate herself.
Her choice made her a traitor.
She betrayed the self who wholeheartedly loved Liang Qi, betrayed her feelings for Liang Qi; she also betrayed the affection Liang Qi might have developed for her, thus betraying Liang Qi.
She couldn't forgive herself for valuing herself more than him, and she couldn't forgive herself for making the more realistic and ruthless choice between her love for Liang Qi and her career in Paris.
Perhaps her choice wasn't wrong in itself. But whenever she thought of Liang Qi, of the tenderness he showed her, of the unspoken affection he held for her that she clearly felt, a voice inside her said, "She was wrong with Liang Qi."
She's a shrewd fool who knows how to deceive herself.
As long as she doesn't confront that possible answer, she won't need to feel guilty or torn apart by the pain of leaving.
She's a selfish coward.
Escaping may be shameful, but it can be useful.
*
After takeoff, the plane gradually stabilized, the cabin lights dimmed, and the snoring of the passengers around me began.
Perhaps it was because of that cup of coffee, but even though it was past 6 a.m. in China, Jiang Nuanyu still couldn't fall asleep.
Her phone was connected to the airplane's Wi-Fi, and she was wearing headphones, randomly playing recommended songs.
After a gentle jazz piece, a woman's voice sang softly and gently:
"...
Tell me, what am I to you now,
(I want to know, what do you mean to me?)
Are we memories fading?
or something still waiting ahead,
(Belonging to the past or the future)
Should I call you my love,
or just another friend
(I cannot define our relationship)
Am I still allowed to call you,
or would you rather I never reach out again,
(Do you want me to get closer to you, or do you want to never contact me again?)
Are you the only one?
or the one I was never meant to have,
(Will you be the one I'm destined to never have?)
Will eting you be the only way I move on,
(Do I have to forget you to be okay?)
Part of me still dreams of a future for us,
(I can't help but look forward to our future)
But I'm scared it's alreadye to the end.
(But I fear it may have already ended.)
..."
The singer's voice was rich yet slightly hoarse, tinged with a subtle sadness.
From a certain lyric onwards, Jiang Nuanyu's last bit of sleepiness vanished completely.
A tingling pain shot through my chest, making my fingertips tingle and numb. The soreness in my nose swelled and swelled until it reached a peak, and then my eyelids started to burn.
She slowly opened her eyes, letting tears well up from the corners of her eyes and fall one after another.
Suddenly, the scene of her first kiss with him flashed into her mind. She couldn't help but call his name, and he looked up at her calmly.
Her heart felt like it was being twisted repeatedly by an invisible hand, the pain so intense she could hardly breathe. She ripped off her headphone cord, bent over, and in the buzzing yet silent cabin at 10,000 meters altitude, covered her mouth and wept silently.
Last night in the elevator, the hazy glance she gave him was the only time all night that she truly felt his presence through her eyes.
Actually, she knew it was him as soon as she heard his voice at the bar entrance.
She let herself take what might be the last chance to hold him and be held by him.
That was not a rational choice, nor was it something she did intentionally.
Even when her consciousness was blurred, her longing to be close to him remained clear and lucid at all times.
Liang Qi, of all things in the capital, the one I miss the most is you.
Only you.
-----------------------
A note from the author:
I initially wanted to include the lyrics directly, but I was worried about copyright infringement; leaving them out didn't feel quite right... So, I wrote my own version, but it doesn't look like lyrics, it looks more like an essay...
I'm so conflicted...
That's it...
Hmm (I've already forgiven myself)
…………
Finally, let's all say: Thank you for the nutrient solution! Grateful!
I'm grateful to everyone who left comments or quietly supported me.
To all the friends who left comments, thank you!
One last thing—see you in Paris tomorrow!
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