life experience
Xiao Yuan didn't have white clothes. He was wearing the clothes that Yin Heng wore two years ago. At that time, Yin Heng was similar in height to him now, but still a little bigger.
The sleeves hung loosely, and the hem dragged on the ground, but it was not stained by dust.
Yin Heng just saw Xiao Lanyu talking to him about something, but he didn't think much about it and didn't go over to listen. When he turned around, he only saw Xiao Yuan's departing back.
And Xiao Lanyu who was standing there in a daze.
He looked at Xiao Lanyu deeply. The cold wind penetrated his collar and made him shiver. He turned around and hurriedly caught up with Xiao Yuan.
Xiao Yuan returned to the house. The lingering sound of the wind echoed outside. Inside, there was incense, a faint scent with a hint of pine.
Soothes the mind.
The door was pushed open with a creak, and as soon as Yin Heng entered the room, he saw Xiao Yuan sitting at the desk, supporting his head with his hand, his eyes half closed.
Noticing that something was wrong with Xiao Yuan's expression, Yin Heng stepped forward and shook his hand, "Ahan, what's wrong?"
"Nothing." Xiao Yuan replied softly.
Xiao Yuan raised his other hand and stroked the corners of his eyes, "Then why are you crying?"
Xiao Yuan was stunned for a moment, and lightly touched the corners of his eyes with his fingertips, revealing a moisture that he had not noticed.
Yin Heng let Xiao Yuan lean on his waist and abdomen, and unconsciously put his hands on his shoulders, hugging him tighter.
"The wind must have blown it."
He paused and said softly, "It's too cold."
It was like a sigh, or a quiet statement in a trance.
"I'll get you a cloak."
Just as Yin Heng was about to leave, Xiao Yuan grabbed his sleeve and said in a muffled voice, "No need, this is enough."
Yin Heng hummed, letting Xiao Yuan lean against him, absorbing his warmth. His breath, through the fabric of his clothes, lingered on his waist and abdomen, each one steady and gentle. It felt like a beating on a soft heart, not heavy, yet strong enough to shake it.
Tears have already wet the whole place.
After a long time, Xiao Yuan suddenly spoke.
"Zhao Yu."
"What's wrong?" Yin Heng answered him.
"In all the years I've been here, you've let me know everything about you. I know everything about you. You didn't want to hide anything from me, so I had to be completely open with you. But from beginning to end, I never treated you the same way you treated me."
There was something wrong with Xiao Yuan today. He didn't like to talk much, and he would never say these things for no reason.
Yin Heng leaned over the table and met Xiao Yuan's gaze. He asked, "Why are you suddenly saying this? Did Elder Lingruo say something to you?"
Xiao Yuan didn't respond directly to his question, but instead asked him, "What's Elder Lingruo's name?"
Yin Heng said without thinking, "Xiao Lanyu."
Xiao Yuan chuckled, "Yes, his last name is Xiao..."
Without waiting for Yin Heng to say anything, Xiao Yuan continued, "He is the father who has never been involved in my life."
There was no emotion at all, as if he was just talking about an insignificant person.
But in his heart, this father really didn't mean much.
What happened back then was just the end of fate, no one should be blamed, he said softly, telling him about the him in his memory, the him he had never met.
The cool breeze carried the scent of pine wood, which lingered on my nose.
More than 20 years have passed.
Duan Yu'an was expelled from the sect. She settled down in the west of Shuangfeng City and earned some money by selling talismans to barely fill her stomach.
It was about two months later that she discovered she was pregnant.
She saved some money, carried the baby for ten months, and hired a midwife to deliver the baby.
Xiao Yuan was born in March, the time when all things come back to life.
Duan Yu'an held the infant in her arms, a smile on her lips. She said to herself, "The pond and garden are still the same after my return, with the lotus flowers in Taiye Lake and the willows in Weiyang Palace. Can I call you Xiao Yuan from now on?"
Xiao Yuan.
Eliminate resentment.
It is ridiculous to choose such a name just to deceive yourself and gain peace of mind.
But Duan Yu'an cared deeply for her child. Life had been tough since she was expelled from the sect, and she always prioritized her child over everything else. If there was any mistreatment, it was only one winter when the family was desperately short of food, struggling to even fill their stomachs. Little Xiaoyuan, poorly dressed, caught a cold, and it was during that time that she developed a chronic illness, which has kept her from getting cold ever since.
But Xiao Yuan never blamed her. To him, as long as he was alive, he was content.
Duan Yu'an didn't intend to let Xiao Yuan become some crappy monk. It would be nice if he bought some paper and pen to teach him to recognize some words and read some poems.
For a while, Duan Yu'an had a good income, and she took Xiao Hua to the market south of Shuangfeng City.
"Sugar men—selling sugar men—" the street vendor's penetrating shouting almost spread across half the street.
At that time, Xiao Yuan was still small, barely reaching Duan Yu'an's waistline. Duan Yu'an held his warm hand. The shouting reached them, and little Xiao Yuan's attention was drawn. He looked up and saw the various sugar figurines displayed in front of the vendor. The sweet smell filled his nose.
Duan Yu'an squeezed Xiao Xiaoyuan's hand and said, "Yuan, do you want to eat a candy man?" Xiao Xiaoyuan looked up and met her smiling eyes.
Xiao Xiaoyuan: "..."
His other free hand, which was not covered, was sweating and he was tugging at his clothes without saying a word.
Because he knew that his mother's money was hard-earned, even if he wanted it, he couldn't ask for it. He didn't want to make his mother suffer.
Duan Yu'an seemed to be able to read minds. She squatted down, rubbed the furry head, and said, "Ayuan, it's just a sugar figurine. Mother can still afford it. Let's go."
Duan Yu'an got up and bought a candy figurine in the shape of a kitten. She teased, "Why does our A-Yuan look like a kitten? She looks so much like this candy figurine."
Xiao Xiaoyuan took the candy man from her hand and bit off one of its ears.
"I'm not a kitten!" he thought to himself.
The malt sugar melted in his mouth. This was the first time Duan Ge'an bought him candy. It made up for what he lacked compared to other children.
The candy man I ate that day was so sweet that I couldn't eat it again.
And this.
Because Duan Yu'an died when he was fourteen years old, the year he went up the mountain.
Xiao Yuan was fourteen, on the winter solstice that year.
Xihe is about to fall, and the sunset glow is about to fade. Duan Yuan sits upright in front of the mirror.
She stood before him, still holding the wooden comb she had carved herself. Her hair was untied, and the teeth of the comb separated strands of black hair, mixed with a few strands of white.
I look in the mirror in the hall and see my white hair, which was black in the morning and turned white in the evening.
He has started to grow white hair in recent days. Monks live longer than ordinary people and age more slowly.
She was supposed to be like that.
She suddenly began to regret the misstep she had taken that year, which had led to her irreparable misfortune. She should have been so successful, but why did she choose to stay stuck in the mud, drifting like duckweed?
But Duan Yu'an never regretted giving birth to that child. It was her only hope for survival for more than ten years. Without this child, she would have died long ago, either from hunger or from the cold and snow.
But now she really wanted to leave him, regardless of love or hate. Because those love and hate should not involve him, nor should he be made to atone for his sins with her.
He is innocent.
How can we sigh that human beings are as insignificant as ants, and can only be lost in the world, and make our already silent throats dumb.
Only a few strands of white hair that tell of endless suffering and a withered body remain.
The next day, a female corpse was recovered from an unnamed lake west of Shuangfeng City. Her body was pale and swollen, but her expression was peaceful, as if she were merely asleep. In her hand, she clutched a damp crimson silk ribbon, refusing to let go. Mottled ink stains spread, revealing fingerprints.
Duan Yu'an went to the temple for the last time and took back the pious wishes he had written.
——May my senior brother Xiao Lanyu live in Chang'an every year.
Replace it without anyone knowing.
"I dare not hope that your heart is like mine, I only ask that we part in life and death, and do not complain."
At that time, the brilliance was so great that it was beyond our reach. How could we dare to touch the gods when we were covered in mud? We could not ask for it, and we did not dare to ask for it.
The old and faded Duan Yu'an was standing under the flamboyant tree in his heart, roaring silently and mocking the innocent girl sitting among the branches.
She had died more than ten years ago.
I am filled with worldly ties and cannot let go of everything. Where are my old friends?
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